jcmk - Tumblr blog

[jcmk]

Things I wish would go away

Me mostly. To brazen.. like I'm tired I say it a lot. It's so true like it never gets better.

I feel like the universe is teaching me a lesson.

I've been sick, on and off for a couple months. It feel like it's never ending. I worked for 3 weeks sick, they didn't care. They still don't, I spend my Christmas in bed sick with a fever. Which is unusual for me. But don't tell my store manager that.. my temp was not "considered a fever" I never realized they give out MDs to middle management.

I had to borrow money to go to the doctor. Did I need a covid test? Possibly, did I kinda use it to my advantage, yes. Am I beating myself up relentlessly for it?!?! Ohhh you better believe it.

They don't care about me, they just care about money and store hours and all that BS. I just wanna feel normal for a little bit. (Spolier: that will never happen)

I spent 4 years at a dead in job, I was assistant manager. It got me nowhere. You know people stop me just to tell me how the place went to shit. I have insider pull I should go back to fix it. Haha never, I'm tired of selling my soul to these corporations who when I told them I didn't feel well told me to simply get to work. I worked sick, behind a mask so they can make money. But I have a good thing here I shouldn't fuck it up.

Im dying inside but atleast I have a relatively decent job. With decently shitty pay.

The universe man

My dog is dying, I was too worried about me. It had to show me. Now what!?! I paid a $110 for nothing I discussed my blood pressure medicine, asked about reflux. Did I mention the episode I had yesterday where I begged someone anyone to just make it stop? Or I told my daughter I didn't want to be her mother anymore. Did I tell her I often want to run away ? No because that's scary, that's things people will judge me. They will know I'm not ok. I can't burden other people.

I put all my stuff in trash bags, begged my daughter's father to find her a new mother. I cried, I want to give up. It seems so peaceful. Life shouldn't be this hard, the intrusive thoughts shouldn't be this loud. I should not be this broken.

I just want my brain to hush, I want to be sick and that be ok. I want to take a day off for myself because I've been sick and I need rest without me convincing myself it's all fake. I'm not sick enough, I'm not I'm fine this is just me faking again ... I'm overthinking it's not that bad who care you can't keep your eyes open, or walk much, I wasted that money, I missed a day of work, I put everything on the line. For a day of rest after being sick. I'm a horrible mother, I'm a horrible person. I should of just went to work. I should have just pushed thru..

Why is my value in how much money I make and how I can continue to keep my family afloat.

I just want someone else to be the raft for awhile. I want someone else to take control let me rest.

[jcmk]

I feel like I keep myself in a box.

A well placed, out of the way box. I try to be giddy, or peppy but then the response is not what I anticipate. So I adjust, I go back to being in my box. It's well defined you know what it is. It's unnoticeable. Sometimes I want to be noticed. Then people do, I quickly realize why I stay in my box.

Recently, someone noticed me.. haha noticed the fat girl. They made a snide comment. It hurt, it shouldn't hurt anymore. It reminded me, I am seen, I am judged. I had forgotten it's been so long.

I just don't like me, I hate how quiet I am, how much I apologize, how much I hide.

People are always shocked when I cuss, that I drink. That I have a tattoo or a nose ring.

I know how to hide, I know how to adjust and be who people want me to be. I don't like crude shows, I don't think cursing has a place at work. Some of my ideals are old fashioned.

I noticed lately I talk to much, but it's not even about me half the time. It's about those around me. I'm not interesting enough for stories about me. Do others talk about me? I hope its decent if they do.

I'm dying for a connection. I feel like I am lost I miss falling in love. I want to relearn someone. I want to explore someone's being, their soul.

I used to think myself deep. Now I'm, I don't know just here. I hardly read anything other than porn honestly.

What is wrong with me! Why do I have to prove my existence is worth something??

I just want to feel something again. I feel so numb I want someone to show genuine interest in who I really am.

Whoever the fuck that person is..

I wanna destroy the box, I want to feel comfortable in myself, in my existence.

[jcmk]

Sometimes it's just the tiredness that gets to you.

The feeling of utter hopelessness. The bone deep, numbing tiredness. It keeps you up at night. It makes you relive everything.

It reminds you, that you're not enough.

It taunts you, making you wonder have you ever been enough?

It tells you, you will never be enough.

I sit here tonight rehearsing a conversation I'll never have the courage to have. I want to, but I'm too fearful of what the outcome will be.

Is this normal, I hope not I hope my mind is not the "normal" if it is. I'm so sorry.

But on the other end, how fucked up am I?

I don't think its "normal" as a child to question if there is something mentally wrong with you. To wonder why you just seem so different.

I've tried to hide it, I try to play the perfectly "normal" person. It's slipping. I think I just don't want to be that person anymore. I want to feel "normal". But what if I can't cope with the loss of the narrative in my head. It's been there so long now. Would it be like Jarvis dying or more like Jarvis becoming The Vision?

Too many questions, too many memories, too many everything. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is forgetting things to give me a break. Or maybe It's just dying.

I dream of just existing somewhere like I just want to sit and be. Like a book on a shelf or a mushroom growing in a forest. I just want to be simple. Broken down to basic things. I don't want to worry about bills, money, jobs I hate. Whether or not I'm breaking my daughter. If she has learning difficulties, is that my fault? Did I not do enough. Should I have her tested? I can't even get myself tested.

It's just a big ball of endless worrying thoughts. Open ended queries. Memories that should be forgotten. Embarrassing moments live over and over again.

Till it all explodes..

Then will there be peace

Will there be quiet?

[jcmk]

Tired

How is this my life, how can people live so long with the constant thoughts, emotions. Im tired, I'm not even thirty.

I have always felt like I'm just not cut out for life.

Why is it so hard for me?

[jcmk]

Ever just crave feelings?

Like I want to feel powerful, sexy, desired. I want to feel wanted.

I feel like I'm just drowning in hopelessness, in numbness.

I'm screaming out to feel something. I felt confident for a day. Now I'm suffering for it. Sometimes I feel like there is more than one personality in my head, she is begging to come out. She's begging to help. I just want to be someone else for awhile. I need to be craved, I need to feel love again. I want passion and desire.

How do you find those things?

[jcmk]

I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I just feel like just letting the darkness take me.

I stay online all day, or I read, today I painted. It keep the darkness at bay.

It's starting to not be effective. The thoughts are intrusive, dark and nagging. They are never happy. Fucking books. I love them but I get addicted fast then I struggle with reality after them. I only like romance, it's a double edge because then I get worked up. I want sex, then I realize my life sucks. I'll never be loved or wanted like the women in my books. I'll never have a person be so obsessed with me. My partner doesn't seem to like having sex often. I want it more than him.

So currently I'm going crazy. The darkness is creeping in. I want to feel something, I want to have sex and feel loved for like 5 minutes. I can't even please myself I feel gross about it.

I just want to feel wild for awhile. I feel so tamed and trapped. I loathe it.

I feel like I'm pacing my cage... trying to figure out how to get out.

How can I wreck havoc.

I just want to feel free, I want to feel powerful.

[jcmk]

I have a guilty pleasure. I love romance novels. Honestly I'm addicted to words and sexy scenes turn me on the most.

I get hyperfixated on books.

Then I crash, then reality is horrible.

Then I sit here wishing I was loved like those men love their women. I want to be wanted like that.

Maybe it my lack of sex life. I just want to feel powerful. I want to feel ravished, I need to feel wild. I feel so tame so trapped. I hate it..

I day dream of asking for a lover outside of my relationship. I mean how can I survive for the rest of my life off a vibrator?!?! If I use it too much it makes me feel dirty. I feel gross and lost. I've asked about a girl but he wants to share. I just want to shamelessly lose myself into someone without sharing. I'm selfish. Plus I know what will happen. I won't be wanted anymore someone else will fill my place. Then what?

I just want to feel like a queen. Like I make someone hot, making someone burn for me. Not like the fat trash I feel every time my partner rejects me. I feel like my heart has shattered beyond compare over his rejection. It always amazes me I still feel the heartache each time. I feel like by now I should he numb. I always feel hopefull things will change. Begging for intimacy is a whole different pain.

I hate feeling like this, what have I become?!?! I can't even flirt or say outrageous things to him without feeling horrible. Without feeling gross.. I'm 28.. I've been with this man for 9 years.

Being rejected kills your soul. I miss the person I use to be. I want her back. I miss the sunshine and laughter. I miss the compassion and fucking joy I once felt.

Hope is a curse. Hope twists you up inside. Hope makes you think things may get better, that things will change. They never do. I am just a mass of darkness in side. Some days I wish it would just consume me.

[jcmk]

Does anyone else feel the atmosphere of a place? Like you can walk in and feel how your day is going to be.

I once worked at Wendy's it was busy but I could feel the rush I knew when it stopped it was like a race horse in my head. A weird melody then it would stop I knew the chaotic energy would mellow out.

I can also feel when people change, I feel them withdraw, I feel them move away.

Maybe it's just reading body language and voice cues. I feel like I'm crazy at times. How can you feel people like that?

I've always adjusted myself to what others wanted or I felt like they wanted.

Today my daughter has been chaotic, it's been hot In my house. I've been overwhelmed. She won't sleep.. she won't settle I can feel it. I can feel the house is still awake and unsettled. So I can't relax it affects me her chaotic moods keep me on edge.

She seems to only settle for her daddy, and melatonin. She sleeps everywhere else without it why can't she at home. Does she feel that I haven't settled so she must be up. I can tell she is not sleepy she doesn't have the sleepy energy just pure awake and alert.

Maybe im just so emotionally tired I'm reading into simple things.

Idk

All I know is I need peace and stillness.

[jcmk]

Who is Kendra...

I miss the feeling of falling in love. I miss getting to know someone. The giddy feeling when they texted you out of the blue. Or the anticipation of a good morning text. I miss talking to different people and learning about them. I miss the mystery of it.

I miss the attention the most.

I always talked to guy online. I always felt like guys would talk to me fall in love with the real person behind the screen not just my body. Which for majority of men is not ideal.

The funny thing is, I think I miss the lies the most. I know I use to be addicted to lies the thrill of them. The tangled web of stories. I miss making myself into the person I really wanted to be. I could change it up anytime I wanted to. I could be whoever.

That's addicting.

I enjoyed being whoever the men wanted I would just adapt.

It's been detrimental to my actual identity.

I still don't know who I really am.. if the things I like are just for me or what I think people want.

I just want to be authentic to myself but I know I have this picture of who I'm suppose to be.. I try hard to mimic what is expected.

I'll explain..

I feel like my family and people have an image of me they are use to.

It's the kind loving Kendra. Always there with a kind word, slow to anger. Very quiet, very conservative. People would get so confused if they hear me cuss. Let me say. I don't think cuss words have a place at your job. It just feels unprofessional and distasteful to me. I am human I do get upset, mad, fed up so they slip.

I got a poorly done tattoo from a friend's dad I cried for days. I regretted it.. I felt cheap and felt like people would judge me. Most people dont see it I often forget it's on my arm. It can be fixed..

I feel like there is more than one person in my brain. Gemini jokes aside.

There is the quiet meek person then the screaming wild child too...

Sometimes I wish the wild child would have been more prevalent.

I just want to be different, I need to figure out who Kendra really is. Instead of trying to follow fictitious unreal guidelines, I think people have of me.

[jcmk]

Brain dump:

Why is it always late at night when you feel inspired, moved, or even pushed towards changing your life? Why is it at this time when the silence is deafening?

It's tiring.. I'm crying because I have put off cleaning, now I have to scramble to clean in my really hot house so the repair people can come fix my air. Why do the floors always need to be vacuumed? Why is there always clothes, litter boxes, dishes? Why can't things just stay clean? Why can't I have someone who wants to help me or a child that picks up after herself without being screamed at?

I recently had a birthday, I hate my birthday. It's a yearly reminder my life is going no where. I'm another year farther away from any dreams I ever had..dreams are pointless anyways. Most of the time I try to be optimistic or more I pretend. Other people need the optimistic Kendra. Those are the good days. Those are days I can sleep.

Our air is busted only cool air is my bedroom. I hate it I try to sit outside but watching TV in our room knowing it's too hot to do that in the living room. It throws me off.. now I can't sleep. I have the urge to not be in my bedroom. Hell I don't want to be in this house. It never feels clean. It feels pointless to clean it's never going to appease the ideal I have in my mind. I often envision picking it up and shaking everything out. Only keeping the furniture.

I need something new.. I got a new job I thought it would help. It has a little. I bought bras which are needed but I keep buying them why?? I have two ordered so I bought two more.. even tho I know they probably won't fit?!?! What is wrong with me. I ordered a book to do sugar cookies.. because hey they are cute I want to do them. I'll buy all the stuff.. I'll do them maybe once. Same with the paint I bought I never painted. The perler beads I've shoved away. Or maybe the IPad I bought to draw more then never did.

Because why? I already know I'm not going to be good at these things.. so why try? So why do I buy it? I somehow convince myself I can do it I will be great. Then when I'm not perfect at it the first try... I give up. Where does that mentality come from?

Can I cut myself off so I can reboot? Maybe I don't have the latest software update or I have a bug..

My life feels so stagnant.. I got a new job 3 weeks in the new has worn off. The glamor is gone. Why am I like this... then I go ok Kendra. If this isn't it... what is? I don't have a clue. Can I be a professional depressed person? Can I just lay in bed... I fear that the most, if I do that I think I will just give up completely.

I often feel like I'm drowning but no one can see me. To them I'm just swimming peacefully even when I'm screaming for help..

What do you do when you are just not ok?

The cat was lost for days, we presumed she ran away. I felt like she wouldn't go outside she is so skiddish everyday we would check all the rooms and call her. It's been almost a week.. she never meowed or anything. We found her tonight in the same room we looked in 10 other times.

I want to go away.. I want my own life. I want a different life. I'm so bored in this one.. I often think of just leaving I'm tired of being so needed, But fuck what would I do? I don't even like to order my own food or drive half the time. I often wonder if it would make me be more independent.

Most days I wish my logical brain would hush. I wish I could just have some pills, get high and sit in the quiet, without any thoughts. I've been there once it was amazing.. I liked it too much. I knew I couldn't do it again. I get the appeal of drugs, of alcohol of chasing a high, of just being numb for awhile. I just want the thoughts to shut up. I just want my brain to be quiet for awhile.

What do you do when you are just not happy anymore?

I'm tired of buying things trying to chase any kind of happiness, saving money doesn't work. Then I worry someone will steal my money. Food doesn't bring me job anymore I wish I could just not eat.

I'm ready for a new life.. how do you start over???

[jcmk]

Its one of those night when you stay up later than usual. Everything complies, you are so tired and you just get emotional.

Watching tiktok way too much, seeing everyone worried about their weight or seeing these people do something about it. Taking control of their lives and bodies.

I feel like I don't know how to be anything else.

I am Fat, morbidly obese to be exact. I have gained so much since I had my daughter. Its not healthy anymore.

Everytime I tell myself to do better. I have so much doubt. I feel like I will be judged. I will but I fear being judged for wanting to lose weight, I fear people will think I'm doing it to be skinny. I'm not I just need to be healthy.

I worry about skin, is it better to be heavy than have lose skin?

I worry the most about being seen, as a fat girl no one notices me. That is what I need, I need to be invisible.

I feel like there is some trauma, I have blocked out. Some day I wish I knew what it was.. what happened when I was a kid?

My mom thinks I was molested or worse.. but I don't remember I just know its petrifiying to me when I think about being noticed by men.

I like my hidden life, I have a man who understand.. most day I want to kill him but he loves me for me.

How do I detangle my worth from my weight?

How do I figure out what trauma I have hidden, so I can feel comfortable with myself. I want to be healthy. I have a 5 y/o I need to be here for her. I need to make sure she has a healthy relationship with herself and with food.

Always so many questions

Never enough answers.

[jcmk]

I use to love the rain, I always felt like it symbolized rebirth. It meant things were cleansed, they become new. A refresh of the world.

Now it just makes me sad.

I use to enjoy rainy days. Days the only sound was rain on the metal roof, the smell of wet earth was my comfort. I can remember a cozy blanket, a book and well placed afternoon nap..

It's like the older you get the more dull things feel. Like after 25 things just dim. Nothing is the same...

Where is the childhood wishes of dancing in the rain? I always wanted to be kissed in the rain. What a romantic notion to be so lost in someone you forget the freezing raining, the rain that is running in your eye and soaking your clothes. Those things are so annoying on a normal day, but love can make all those annoying things better, right?

Now rain just feels like tears. Searing hot, because you feel like you heart has broken for the last time. This time I didn't think it would hurt. All the recent fights didn't hurt. Not even a dull ache. just plain numbness. I mean how many times can you have the same fight, the same questions... and no answers..

Maybe he finally gave up, answers, closure mean nothing to him. He can't even give me that. I've been begging for months for some explanation.. something, an acknowledgement that he is responsible for this pain and hurting.

Why do I have to question my worth?!?! I'm tired of wondering what I did wrong, why am I so repulsive. I try to be understanding but the silence says more than anything right now.

Why is the internet better than the real thing? Why are naked women on screens better than willing women? A women you have shared everything with for years. Why are women who know nothing of you, more important?!?!

What would you do if your daughter came to you, explaining how her boyfriend made her feel. You would be angry you would threathen him, make her come home. "Leave him" you would say, "you deserve better". "Dont question your worth he just doesn't see what he has."

Why can't I leave when you are doing the same thing to me?!?! Why the double standard?

Why can't you just tell me how you feel?!?!

How the fuck do you now know?!?!

Why does it not tear you up inside like me..

Why did you fall in love with me?

Why didn't you let me run years ago when I questioned everything. Why are you doing this to me?

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day....

[jcmk]

[jcmk]

This is why I am here. I just want to figure out who I really am under the socital expectations, the constant fear of rejected, the family pressure. I want to stop being what everyone wants me to be, because believe me that is not working any more.

Can I shed the bitter exterior I have created to become the authentic me? Really I'm tired of being a lemon when I was meant to be something sweeter. Maybe a dragonfruit? They sweet in their own way, and very mysterious.

This page will probably be my brain dump. A free outlet to write out all my feelings without someone saying they aren't valid.

Let's do this.