jayayypea4

[jayayypea4]

It has been a while

Tumblr, it has been a while. At first, the reason was because I FINALLY was doing better. I found my real friends; I found ways to stay happy; I was bringing my grades up; I was on the right path. Granted, there was still fear and hurt regarding those groups of people, especially with the cohort I was going to be spending the most of my time with, but I decided to have zero expectations and see what happened.

Sure enough, with the start of second year, there was that “fakeness” in the air. I only asked questions that I genuinely meant. If I asked, “how was your summer?” I meant it. I wanted to know. When asked the same question, those people were disengaged and could not pay attention to my answer. The path was already set to be a repeat of last year. Knowing that, I set my expecatations low.

Things happened, I continued to be treated like shit, home life with my tyrant of a roommate caused me to retreat in my shell. Thankfully, I did not hit that depressive state like I did last year. I had my true friends by my side, despite being thousands of miles away. The hardest part, thus far, had not been the way I was being treated. It was being so far away from my med school support system that I could not enjoy the same quality time with them like last year.

This pattern repeated. I further kept to myself, trying to focus on school. Overall, my grades were doing much better. That is, until I failed a course. The height of the roommate issues took a toll, and I did not do my best. Thankfully, I was able to successfully remediate, but that that meant losing all of my treasured winter break.

Then I got extremely sick. I had not been that sick since middle school. My body took it hard, and I was out for 3 weeks. Being “out” still meant I had to take exams, remediate, go to clinic, work on a group project, so basically the daily grind with the extra spoonful of body shakes, feeling like shit, extreme fatigue, and desperately wanting my mom. Thankfully, I survived. 

Despite surviving, the loom of boards started to hit. I am not the best test taker. I need all the time I can get to study. I was falling behind where I wanted to be, and I was falling behind with school. One of my best friends has something terrible happen, and I did not expect the extreme rage that would fester inside of me. I started the downward spiral. Then cue the tyrant causing more issues at home. I had reached my breaking point. Roommate is a psycho. The stress she feels of boards is being taken out on me. She deems me a horrible person who is trying to make her life miserable when that could not be the furthest from the truth.

I have been whittled to the smallest portion of myself. I have not been doing my daily tasks. I have not been eating because I do not want to go the kitchen since she studies right here. I have not been listening to my beloved music. I have not been living life. I have done EVERYTHING to accommodate her, yet I am the villain. She is crazy. My life is miserable. She said some terrible and DELUSIONAL things, quite frankly. Which brings me back to here. I need an outlet again for the good, the bad, the ugly. 

Hello again. You really have been missed. I have not been taking care of my mental health. I cannot let others control my well being. I need to be my best self to become the best doctor because, in the end, I will come out on top. I have a bigger heart. I have more compassion. I try to understand someone’s point of view before making judgments. I do not mistreat people simply because they are not following my ideals. I know this now. Journaling, by taking pen to paper, has helped. I’m hoping this will help me too.

I process things in chunks. Somethings are easier to write, others to type. This chronicle is my crazy journey. I do not want the negativity in my mind. If I can get it out digitally, then it is out of my mind, then it will turn to positvity. I will make more of a concious effor to doccument that at well because the world does not need more negativity. However, that does not mean I will sugar coat things. I will always keep it honest and true in the rawest form. No filter. My true thoughts and feelings.

See you soon.

[jayayypea4]

Friendship

Today was the first day I saw a lot of people after Spring Break. These people used to be my friends. I can wholeheartedly say used to because they made it very clear today that they do not care about me. They awkwardly hung around, staring at me, but stood there silently not saying a word. 

There was a fun event today, and these “friends” crashed my pictures to document fake moments of happiness with me. They chased after me as if nothing is wrong, but at a moment’s notice, they would walk away. They formed their little groups, making it very obvious to me I did not belong.

See, here is the thing. If I was your true friend, you would not make me feel like shit. When I was vulnerable and honest with you, you would have listened and tried to make me feel better. When I asked you to hang out, you would make that a priority. 

Listen, I get it. We all have a bunch of different friends. We like to hang out with some people over others. Sometimes you slack. I know this. Don’t you DARE tell me that I am not trying. I am the one that is pulling back. No. Absolutely not. I made the effort, countless times. Me “pulling back” was because you no longer made time for me, like I tried to make time for you. “Pulling back” was just me realizing, you don’t know me and you certainly do not care for me the same way I care for you.

When I call you my friend, I am extremely loyal. I would drop what I am doing and coming rushing over if you needed me. I am not fake. I tell you the truth. I am your number one supporter. 

I have a very kind heart. This kindness can easily be taken advantage of. I know that, and I have experienced it over and over again. So, when I call you my friend, my true friend, it means a lot. I chose tto put effort in our relationship; in fact, I wanted to. When you shit on it, it hurts. I’ll forgive you, but how many times is too much? Well, I cannot give you an exact number, but when I am done, I am done. I don’t have time to put up with your bullshit because frankly, I do not care.

No, you are not dead to me. No, I do not wish harm onto you. I simply, just don’t care. I just let you be. I don’t go out of my way like I used to. If I see you, fine, whatever. I won’t really talk to you unless I have to, but at the same time, I am not going to ignore you.

I am not a bad person. I am just tired of getting hurt, especially by those I am...or was extremely close to. I am just finished. You have no place in my life anymore. You are just a placeholder. A thing that comes and goes. You are not a forever moment in my life if you treat me this way. Reality hurts. Maybe that is why you act like a complete asshole because you do not realize your actions have consequences. Mine for stepping away, continued pain from seeing your face and regret for wasting my time on you. You, clearly, are not my forever friends.

[jayayypea4]

Memories

This week, and I know it is only Tuesday, has been rough on the motivation front. There is so much stress with the upcoming final and the pressure is on to do well. What threw me for a curveball is this week’s topic. There is a major focus on dialysis, through multiple lectures of various disciplines. I was not expecting for the flood of memories to coming rushing back to me. It reminded me of my grandmother and the suffering she had at the end of her life. 

It has been over a decade since she passed away, but the pain felt fresh. Something about learning about the clinical side of everything and the difficulty and strain that is put on the body during kidney failure made me realize how much she was actually suffering. She survived from a young age to her late 80s with just one kidney. That one kidney started to give out and she needed dialysis. I was really young when she began dialysis, so I did not really understand what she was going through. I barely understood why she eventually needed to be put in the nursing home, but now, over 10 years later, I finally understand.

I also understand the burden it put on my mom and my uncle. I can imagine the guilt they felt, but ultimately it is what needed to be done to provide the best care for her on a limited budget. The two families with the youngest children had to front the cost while worrying about saving for their children’s future, and in my mom’s case feeding an additional two mouths in the household. With everything that is going on between me and my only sibling, I can finally understand the frustration my mom and uncle felt towards their siblings for not helping, afterall this is their mother too. Their children are much older, and some assistance would be much appreciated, not to mention, their mother would love to seem them and her other grandchildren.

My family, not just my parents, have done a lot for me to get me to where I am today. I guess this one topic brought back a lot of memories, good and bad. Unfortunately, with the nature of this particular memory a lot of resentment, sadness, and clarity came to surface. The timing could not have been worse, but clearly that is life.

Life does not take a pause when you are in medical school. In fact, it has made me more reflective than ever, which is saying a lot since I have always been a person who likes to reflect on life. With this reflection has also come a new onslaught of emotional waves that I do not know how to handle because I have always been the stable rock for everyone family and friends. Now, I do not know how to handle myself, express myself, or understand everything I am feeling.

Plus side of getting it all out there on the interweb, I feel slightly free. I am processing everything now. I am not exactly bottling everything up, yet I do not feel like I am burdening anyone. I do not have to feel like I am disappointing my loved ones because I am beginning to be honest with myself. I might not be honest with everyone face to face, but hey, baby steps.

[jayayypea4]

Today’s wise words as I am struggling to study.

[jayayypea4]

The Stress

The stress of medical school is something, I have realized, I could have never expected. Yes, it is stressful, but I never could fathom it would be this stressful. The most amazing part, is I have not even realized how stressful it has been because I am constantly adjusting, justifying, and changing my routine. The reality of how much stressful school is just hit me last week, when I found my first AND second gray hairs. Today, I found two more. Usually with stress, my eczema flares up, and surprisingly, that has been well managed. This stress is something I never could have seen coming. Sure school is hard, but I never realized the emotional toll it would take on top of the physical.

On the flip side, it is kind of amazing and beautiful how the human body adjusts to these conditions and manifests the signs of the chronic torment on the body. Mentally, I have paid not attention to the amount of stress because it was something I knew I would be facing. The reality of the situation is, I never could have predicted the stress levels to be this high and for my body to change so drastically in less than one year of medical school. The changes my body saw during college for undergrad were much slower. These gradual changes were barely noticeable since they were so minute. 

Medical school is a whole other beast. ...plain and simple. The struggle is real. That firehose analogy is more than accurate. Do I see myself doing something else, though? No, not really. This is what I have to keep reminding myself. Work through these negative aspects. Be strong. As a woman of color, prove to the world that you are more than capable of being a doctor. If anything, my loving and nurturing nature is what will help me connect with my patients. I know it. I hope I never lose sight of this. If I do, hopefully I will find my way back to here: the reminder of my journey. While lately it has been of the difficult things, there is some positive aspects of school. Maybe this is the turning point I have been waiting for.

[jayayypea4]

Stuck

It has been some time since I last posted. There have been some positive changes: 1) I am slowly accepting some of the changes in my medical school journey, allowing me to move on, and overall find some happiness. 2) I am surrounding myself with those I know are my true lifelong friends. 3) I am being very honest with myself.

With all of that said, it is still tough. I find it very hard to find the motivation I need to actually study. I know in order to do better, I need to put in the time, but I cannot for some reason. Every time I have tried, I just pass out. With this increased amount of sleep, I am unsure if I am fatigued or if there is something else my body is trying to tell me. I am confused, and I do not know what to do. I need to be awake to put in the time I need to do better. I know that, but why is my body not listening? This is still the tough part. 

I am happy that there is some slight improvement, but there are so many other aspects that continue to persist that are so frustrating. Some things are out of my control, and while I have accepted that, I still have not found a way to come to terms with the outcome. It is extremely annoying.

Another big frustration of mine, while I tend to be brutally honest (well, I should say I only express the thoughts within social limits), I have found it difficult to be honest with the faculty about my struggle with motivation. There is so much outside of school that continues to affect me, but I seemed to have learned how to put that in a little box and deal with it in little amounts. I have not yet learned how to motivate myself to put quality time into my studies. I can passively do it, but I am just wasting my time. This is something I know I have to “fix” internally, but part of me feels if I am honest with this, maybe the faculty will have an idea with what I am facing. This wall is the toughest to bring down. It is what is hindering me the most. I am sure there is a deeper problem rooted in this struggle, but I have not found the source yet, and thus, I remain stuck.

[jayayypea4]

[jayayypea4]

Wise words, Madea. Shout out to my girl for showing me this when I really needed it. I can always count on you, Boo Boo. You’re the roots (:

[jayayypea4]

The Struggle: An Honest Confession Filled with Grammatical Errors

No one said medical school would be easy, but I never knew it would be this hard. I had always been a good student, putting in the hard work, dedication, and time until something changed in college. I lost my motivation. I felt lost. This career path I wanted for myself, one filled with life-long learning, was it for me? I could barely keep up with school, and my grades started slipping. I don’t test well. Taking the MCAT the first, second, and third time proved that. It was hard not to give up, truly. Even more so because everyone was rooting for me and believed in me, that is, everyone but me. I got my shit together eventually because I had a new spark: osteopathy. The philosophy matched what I believed medicine should be. Rejuvenated, I managed to salvage my grades and still get a semi decent GPA. Don’t let me double major and minor fool you. College was not easy. Going into medical school, I was extremely excited. This is what I have been waiting for since I was 4. This is the information I wanted to learn. School kicked into high gear, and that firehose analogy became a real thing. Beginning of the year, I was doing fine, probably because I had such a solid foundation from Undergrad. Then came our first system. It was tough, but I was managing. Then, life hit me hard. I thought medical school, especially the one I ultimately chose to attend, required a certain type of person. An intelligent, kind, independent, nurturing person, to be exact. This quickly proved to be wrong as I was torn down. I was attacked and verbally abused. It broke what little self-esteem I had. Thankfully, school is insane, and I has quickly made friends I could rely on. At that time, little did I know, that this would begin my gradual downfall. My grades started to fall, not because I was not putting in the effort, but because I quickly realized I needed to put in even more work. Just when I was finding my groove, more life happened. The emotional toll school would have is something I could never predict. This emotional whirlwind caused by my classmates, by friends, the country, and the world, slowly got to me. I started to feel so helpless. Here I was, in my own little world, trying to study to become an amazing doctor. I could easily disconnect from everything around me, but when I would take a break, went on the internet, I was reminded of everything happening around me. My heart began to hurt. This hurt would follow me, slowly bringing me down more and more. More life continued to happen, and I continued to be beat down by it, as well as my poor test scores. Fast forward to now, 7 months in, and I am more lost than ever. I know I want to be a doctor. There is nothing else in the world I can picture myself as, but if I am barely surviving, how can I make it in the real world? My patient encounters always go well. I know I have the people skills. I know I can put my sorrows aside and put others first, but now I am freaking out. What if I cannot retain all the information I need to pass my exams? It seems like I am headed down that path. I don’t want to think negatively, but I am also a realist. I can only do so much with my people skills and my manipulative technique without the basic knowledge. I know a lot of this stuff is just the nitty gritty, and it is not all used in the “real world,” but that does not change the fact that I need to know it to get my license in the first place. Every fiber in my body wants me to snap out of it, and find the motivation I need to study hard. I know, ultimately, I am capable of learning this information, or I would not even be here. It has simply and truthfully been hard to do just that. Even time I find the motivation and put in the work, I am shot down with another poor performance. I cannot even fathom what I will do if I cannot be a doctor. I know I should not think this way, but it is also important to be completely honest with my feelings. So, I have decided to write them down. Maybe this is the first step of ackowledgment I need. Maybe I can finally have some closure over some of the “life” that has negatively impacted me. Maybe, this can be the turning point for me. A new me. A motivated, happy, testing well, proving to the world I AM supposed to be here me. (And a me that learns to let go of some of the little things like all the grammatical errors in this post, after all raw, true, emotion from the heart means much more to me than a perfectly composed letter to myself)