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[jasonhwang-blog1]

AESTHETICS "Living is not a walk in the park."

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ huan ]

          her shoulder raise sharply at the slap, and she’s popped his hand before he can pull it too far way. what a PUNK. ‘ are you going to go on a rant about justice and morals now? ’ truthfully, she doesn’t feel the slightest bit bad about the comment. huan has no reason to believe it isn’t true, and not once has she claimed to CARE how jason feels. ‘ i’m a doctor  — ’ exaggeration much? ‘ not a mechanic; don’t let my ability to fix leaky pipes fool you. ’ a baseball bat is barbaric and she almost doesn’t expect it out of him, but hey, she can’t say barbaric is bad. letting jason go it alone might be beneficial, it’s less of putting her ass at risk, but .. well, she doesn’t want him to die ALONE. something that beautiful needs an audience. it’s thinking like that that motivates her to get out of the car, to actually be within a foot of him and be happy about it. ‘ you must be dumb or suicidal to think that you could do this alone. ’

She was damn quick. And he was too slow to stop himself from letting out an ‘ow!’ when she caught his hand. “This is not me ranting. This is me calling you out on your lack of human sensibility!” Getting into arguments driven by emotions was never Jason’s thing. It was the apocalypse. Of course humanity is rare these days. A lot has happened. Whatever happened, it was enough to change a person. But he couldn’t just sit there and listen to someone whose life wasn’t currently in danger get so insensitive about his friends’ life. “Dumb? Maybe. But not suicidal. I think you know why.” He argued in his defense, thinking that at least he still had something to lose. A trip to the Atlas Theatre is scheduled next week. He is not dying before he could even make that trip.

“Stay in the truck---” His sentence was cut when he heard yells behind him. Turning to the direction of the commotion, he saw his two friends running from a corner and calling his name. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they were running from. True enough, a herb of walkers appeared from the building they turned a corner from. “씨발,” he muttered under his breath and backed up till he was beside Huan. His fingers now clutched tighter around the handle of his bat. He would’ve gone back for his gun in the truck, but he had terrible aim. He might end up shooting his comrades. “We might need more ammo, Huan. They’re in the truck hurry hurry they’re going to fucking die.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ ingrid ]

Now that the kill was over, the adrenaline that was pumping in her veins started to dull. It was like a sugar high, she could physically feel the confidence inside her dwindling now that it was finally over. Strangely enough, she didn’t like the crash. She didn’t like becoming that shell of a girl again, that wilting flower she was before she decided to learn how to be like others, like a survivor. It wasn’t the kill that was the exciting part, it was that she did it. She did it all by herself! There was no one there to hold her hand, no one to do the hard part for her, no one to save the princess but the princess herself. For the first time, she felt like an adult. She had always been rather mature for her age (compared to other high school students, at least) but this… this was the first time in a year and a half that she felt power.

She felt power over killing something. That thought immediately caused the smile on her face to fall. When the adrenaline left, when the sudden confidence faded, she was left with guilt. She killed something, she killed something that used to be a human — or technically was still a human, depending on who you asked (she wasn’t sure what her own thoughts on it were). Oh how disgusting she was to be proud of herself, proud to destroy something. Her shoulders hunched in on themselves, guilt heavy.

But then the stranger said hi back, but then the stranger complimented her work, but then the stranger made a joke. It was enough to put the smile back on her face, though the guilt still remained heavy on her shoulders. She was turning shy again and that was sort of infuriating, but there wasn’t much she could do about that, only push that irritation away and hope confidence could come back without rotten blood needing to be spilled by her hand.

Ingrid laughed lightly, politely. She self-consciously started to rub on the skin of her face, trying to get off specks of blood that landed once she put the knife into the zombie. “Um, not really, no.” She answered his joke with honesty, shaking her head briefly. “Did… did I really do okay?” Ingrid asked, hopeful, almost child-like. (So much for being an adult.)

Back in the days, Jason was a fan of pick-up lines. Unfortunately, he didn’t always have the opportunity to use them on anyone. He’s always raced to it by a friend. Either that or his friendliness gets the better of him and introduces himself the polite way. Forgetting the whole smooth talking agenda. But, when he finally grabs the chance to smooth-talk someone, he gets results that aren’t bad but aren’t really what he asked for. Apparently, his personality makes him a better friend than a hookup. Because of that, he developed a habit of using pick-up lines in the harmless way, and not as a reflection of interest. Just like today.

Except his pick-up line was taken literally. Maybe that wasn’t a good introduction. But hey, at least she laughed a little. “Not just okay. You did great. I saw it snap its jaws at you when you did that.” He mimicked her stabbing move and chuckled. She looked.. young. Well, maybe not much younger than he was. He’s only 22. But she looked too young to be out here on her own. Now that the situation has slowed down, possible scenarios played in the back of his mind. What if she was a bait and her backup are hiding in the woods, ready to ambush him? What if she’s only playing the innocent card and would hit him in the head soon as he started to trust her? What if she’s actually a psycho? None of those seemed to match her demeanor now, though. So Jason kept his cool. Maybe he’ll push the judging aside for later.

“Although I advise that you don’t let it come so close to you, next time. You’ll need a different weapon. Something with a wider range. Yeah?” He smiled, keeping his distance. Respecting the distance. “You lost, miss?”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ huan ]

          ‘ my fellas are BUSY. ’ huan has no way of knowing that, but she simply assumes so; there was no end to work these days. she doesn’t hate jason, per se, but he doesn’t make her feel great about herself. maybe that’s because she hasn’t felt the urge to shoot him in the head for awhile. the more he talks though, the more she thinks that’s going to change. good. ‘ chances are your friends became lunch. doesn’t take that long to find gas. ’ pessimism or realism? she can’t tell. ‘ it’d be easier to find some ourselves and drive to the station, ’ huan sighs, although she can’t say it’s from being upset; it’s more frustration. ‘ but i don’t know, you’re sort of a WUSS. lord knows i don’t want to carry your ass around out there. ’

Just when he had started warming up to her, she had to drop the bomb about the possibility of his friends’ death. He made an effort leaning forward just to smack her upside the head. “Do not call my friends lunch! We are risking our life to deliver food to your camp.” He frowned, now frustrated as well. Maybe not as frustrated than she was, but he was close. “The fuel tank leaked. If you know how to patch it up, I suggest you do it now while I think of a solution without leaving them behind. I refuse to believe they’re dead.” Grabbing his baseball bat, he hopped out of the truck and spoke in an authoritative tone with a conscious effort. “You don’t want the wuss to save the day alone, do you?”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ xander ]

     Xander grinned, “Thank god you’re alive, Jason!”

     “I actually did the same thing, except I came with my adoptive sister, Amara. She’s out hunting since she knows how to use a bow and arrow.”

"I know, man! I mean, these past year had been so tough I didn’t know what to expect---I didn’t know if I should hope that I’ll ever see a family again. Seeing you here, all in one piece, wow. You’re all in one piece, right?” He laughed then swung his bat over his shoulder as he started towards the entrance to peek outside. “Amara? This means she’s my sister too then, huh?”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

INTROSPECTION Atlantis by Seafret

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ kaeun ]

minutes blurred into hours, into months, and into years with an aching pace—lethargic, with little hitches. perhaps, the young woman was alone in feeling that way. unlike the survivors around her—all tough and strong in surprising ways—kaeun chose to hide the behind legs of capable hunters or in shadows as they fought, if she ventured outside of safety. how was she to expect an exciting life if she spent hers as a delicate wallflower?  she wondered if those in hwaseong were living as slow and languid as they used to when she was a child—they were less likely to mind it.

born in the summer, her mother insisted that kaeun was meant to shine like light off glass—it would be painful not to look at something as marvelous as her. when the thought of her career collided with memories of her mother and her love, she believed that god had woven her into the sky with stars because it was how she was meant to live: bright, burning, ripe for the fall. the racing beats of her heart and blur of the crowd as she skated was what she was made for—everything happened at a pace much faster than regular people live their lives. 

so when her life came to a screeching halt, the impact hit the olympian harder than it hit others. it had turned her into a crushed paper swan—smoothed out and crafted with care, the wrinkles from being crushed were something that could not be erased. the glory of the swan was unattainable after tarnish—as was the pace she had lived her life at, a dizzying two hundred miles per hour that not many were capable of. though as she stared at him with fingers shielding her from the sun, twenty five miles per hour didn’t seem so bad—in fact, it seemed idyllic. 

teeth nipping at the corner of her lips, the teenager tried her hand at downplaying her eagerness—when he called out to her in korean, the efforts were in vain. a smile brightened her soft features before she tilted her head for a respectful bow, “ ah—thank you very much… ” the syllables less stilted than english, even as she uttered out her gratitude with the most formal phrasing in their language. the simple pleasure of sharing her mother tongue with someone left her anticipating his responses to her—to her, they would all sound like welcome home. “ o-oppa? ” the word was tentative and stammered, but she had managed to gather enough courage to venture. 

There was always something about men and greatness. Or their desire to greatness, at the very least. This kind of pursuit surrounded Jason as he grew up; back when his name was still Jeon Young-min. It surrounded him, but he never became a part of it. ‘He’ll be ready to take on my position soon as he turns 18,’ his grandfather used to tell his colleagues and partners, in hopes that this would bring the young boy a sense of importance and a wave of self-esteem on his pursuit to greatness. But he knew this wasn’t the path he wanted. He didn’t want to be a part of a body the people call corrupted and entitled. Jason didn’t want to help a people by ruling. He wanted to help by actually helping. He wanted to be a doctor.

But with the outbreak and all, he didn’t get to graduate from his pre-med. With the outbreak and all, his priorities took a turn and there was no point to his ambition anymore. He knew too little to try and pursue the answer to the widespread virus. The only skills he had now were his overall communication skills, his exceptional baseball bat swings, a bit of what he learned from pre-med, and a few songs on the piano. He knew too little. He knew too little to be called great. Maybe it was misplaced, given the situation. But looking at Kaeun, he felt a pang of envy. At least she achieved greatness at such a young age. At least once in her life, she was of great significance.

Well she still is, Jason thought, smiling as he watched her try to downplay the eagerness that was obviously in the wind brushing in their distance now. He remembers seeing her in the news (everywhere, actually) where they kept repeating a video of her winning piece. The grace in her movement, the light in her face, the pride that soar in the household when she was crowned victor.. all of that resurfaced in Jason’s chest. And in that moment, the envy was no more. In that moment, all that mattered was the fact that she was smiling at him, and that she had called him ‘oppa.’

Oppa. Right. How could he have forgotten his manners? He did a bow, let his head hang low for three seconds as apology for not greeting her properly the korean way, and looked back up at her. “Kaeun-yah. I can call you Kaeun, right?” He asked, still speaking in korean. “I have a few questions like how’d you get here but I’m afraid I might overwhelm you and you’re still catching your breath and this is like meeting a celebrity. I mean, of course I’m meeting a celebrity. And now I’m rambling in-front of her. I’m making a blunder out of myself in-front of her. ....And I should stop.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ huan ]

she’s made a bad habit of finishing people’s sentences  — or that’s how it would come off to anyone else anyway. huan considers it an easy way of conversation, and really, she seems to be the only one these days who wants to talk. everyone else has a stick eight miles up their ass. regardless, he’s spoke again before she could throw her own banter his way, and it almost bums her out. it’s almost enough to stop her from talking again. ALMOST. ‘ do you think they’re coming back? ’ huan isn’t so sure. she may come off without concern for the state of the world, but it registered long ago just how dangerous things were. turns out, danger just went hand in hand with freedom; she can’t be too upset. ‘ i’m not going to be happy if they don’t, ’ a statement, one huan expects any person with ears to acknowledge and care about. ‘ supplies have to get there one way or another and i’m not into manual labor. ’

It wasn’t comfortable in the backseat. There wasn’t enough leg room for him. And if he lied down, he was too tall for the width of the truck. So he rested his back against the door instead while his legs were propped and stretched across his seat. When Huan spoke, he found himself smiling as he looked up at her. He wanted to say, ‘ahh, you do care’ but decided against it, thinking it was better if that was addressed without a hint of teasing in the tone. “I hope so,” he answered. Looked down at his calloused fingers. “I’m not into manual labor. Maybe we can just tell your fellas to do the manual labor themselves. But...” his voice turned soft. Clouded with worry. "Do you? And do you think we should go?”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ jeremiah ]

“Why do you want to work on people? Are you some sort of brain expert?” Remy asked, quirking a brow at the other man as he tugged off the head of a now dead human, holding it up by the hair. “I don’t think she’s gonna help you that much.”

“I’m not--well, I used to study to be a brain expert. But that wasn’t the point. By ‘saved some for others to work on’ I meant for others to kill. I doubt you’re the only one in this area who takes fun out of killing---” he closed his eyes as the other man held a detached head by the hair. “Now, man, that’s just too much. That’s too game of thrones. Even for ya.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ marissa ]

     Marissa laughed before slowly climbing into the truck, “I’m Marissa, by the way. I’m guessing you’d feel more comfortable with knowing my name.”

Jason held out his hand to help pull her up into the truck. “And I’m Jason. Very pleased to meet you, Marissa.” He introduced himself before handing her his bottle of water then reaching for a few food from the backseat. “Your lot should be traveling and hunting in groups, you know.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ xander ]

     Xander grinned at Jason, happy to see that the boy was alive. “I know, it’s really weird, but great! How’d you get here anyway; it must have taken days!?”

“Man it took me a month to get here. Traveled with friends from my college, lost them along the way, and I basically hijacked any car I found functional.” He laughed and gave his brother a hug. “And you? How’d you get here? How in the world?”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ isabella ]

“No I just walk around town a lot, more than I should but I mean it’s sort of my job as well. Not really but I like to find stuff and then trade them around with other camps, plus it’s a good distraction from everything” Isabella said, she had learn from her past mistake from getting lost and decided to learn the town as good as one could learn it, it’s not like she was busy doing anything else so learning the streets and paths was as good as it got. She shook her head and smiled “Thankfully no I’m not lost, just searching for unique things which these days might get quite rare since almost everything is well taken”

“And you do it by yourself? Alone? Huh.” He conceded, letting that information sink into him. “What other campsites have you been? ‘Cause I trade too, for a whole group of survivors. Actually, I lead it. We travel and drive through town ---why am I explaining myself?” He chuckled then shrugged his sentence off. “Anyway, yeah it is a good distraction.” Smiling politely, he went silent for a little while before saying, “As thank you for helping me not take that route, I’ll help you with these unique stuff. Then once I’m reunited with my group, I can spare you some of my share of our goods.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[ schuyler ]

She didn’t pause to pick up the matches. It was only a moment later that she lowered them back to the ground and stood up. “What do you want for them?” She asked curiously as she tilted her head. Nothing came for free even before the whole world went to hell, but even more so now when supplies tended to be hard to come by. “I’m not sure of anything at the moment. I have somewhere safe though if that’s what you’re getting at. I just don’t want to be there right now.”

“No, I wasn’t--” he began to explain himself. That he wasn’t doing it to get something in return. He wanted to explain that that was just it. Help. Him helping. Sighing, his shoulders slumped and looked at her as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I travel and hunt with a group. I’m sorry I stepped into your safe zone. But please, take the matches.” He lifted his hands to surrender before walking backwards, back into the woods, seeking to leave her alone. As he should’ve done earlier.

[jasonhwang-blog1]

[jasonhwang-blog1]

❚❚ ► Songs for the Dead

• medicine by daughter • people help the people by birdy • black flies by ben howard • oh momma by justin nozuka • for blue skies by strays don’t sleep • i’m still here by johnny rzeznik • boston by augustana • airplanes by local natives •

[jasonhwang-blog1]

rough touch

19. Your muse grabs my muse’s wrists.

( @jasonhwang. )

Hands shaking with an almost aggressive fervor, the tall blonde tried her best to focus on the other man’s voice. Inhale. Exhale. Easy as counting from one to two. She couldn’t hear much as to what he was saying, but it didn’t matter as much as the fact that he was simply there,alive. No monsters were to be found, and while blood from her most recent encounter only moments ago still covered the woman from head to toe, Jason was making quick work of wiping it away before dropping his hands to wrap around her wrists. Maybe it was a bit too rough, and maybe she flinched at even the softest of touches because of what it resurfaced, but his eyes spoke nothing but silent affirmations of safety. A tiny sigh broke her silence, the tears slowing from less of a flood and more of an occasional drop.

Finally his words broke through, steady and confident as ever. You’re going to be okay. She repeated his words over and over again like a silent prayer. You’re going to be okay. Each time felt like a tiny shove in the right direction. Muscles relaxing and breathing coming back to a steady rhythm, the blonde’s dainty hands pulled out of his grasp before gently resting them on top of his. “Thank you. I didn’t think nobody cared ‘bout me enough t’ risk their life or nothin’.”

[jasonhwang-blog1]