janeygermia

[janeygermia]

starry-eyed storyteller

During 45-minute jeepney rides from Iloilo City to Guimbal, I used to sit on his lap and ask for a story. On Friday afternoons, as much as his eyelids tell him to take a nap, he would comply and fight back the exhaustion to enthusiastically narrate how things and places came to be. He could easily sway me into believing he was a radio drama actor with his range of voice and even as the dusk sets in, I could discern the expressions in his face -- a myriad of emotions that would suspend my disbelief and leave me starry-eyed.

Alamat ng pinya, ng kasoy, ng mangga, ng Manila, ng ampalaya, ng Pilipinas, ng lahat ng bagay sa ilalim araw at ng buwan. (pati ng araw at buwan na rin.) Some he would recall from memory, some he would entirely make up. Like the one about mahogany, where Spaniards were supposedly asking for the name of the tree but the Filipinos were talking about a foul smell. “Baho, gani!” was what the soldiers misheard and out of their sheer stupidity and miscommunication, they named the tree 'mahogany.'

There would be re-runs and I would cut him off, saying I heard that story already. Then came such time that I was able to make up origin stories of my own and shared them to my siblings, who eventually replaced my place in his lap.

I couldn’t remember the last time I asked him to pull off a Lola Basyang, but since then, I found comfort in weaving words, stitching phrases, and sewing paragraphs. I found enthusiasm in radio dramas and theatrical performances. He no longer told me origin stories but he devoted time as my declamation coach when we couldn’t afford a trainer for my contests.

I owe him my life in prose and in poetry and I will never get tired of writing anecdotes for the person who taught me how to strike a balance between getting lost in fantasy with anchoring my feet to reality; in the same way that folklore and legends are a world of their own, but still reflect the nuances in society.

Thank you for making me believe that some new beginnings come from silly accidents, tragic events, brave pursuits of justice and even the scars of losing people we love. You will always be my favorite story, Papa.

[janeygermia]

swooning over the moon 🌕 (at Bonifacio Global City "Fort BGC" - Taguig City)

[janeygermia]

I'm sorry if all I can afford to be right now is your 12:49 am drunk text. But know that this messy alphabet soup of bottled-up feelings is all yours, only yours.

[janeygermia]

Forget 'world-class' festival. To me, Dinagyang only meant drunkenly watching fireworks and staying until the wee hours of morning with my high school batchmates at Jollibee Infante. Then life happened and now I'm watching fireworks in another sky.

[janeygermia]

just another birthday playlist to help me convince that I earned and deserve my age

[janeygermia]

liham sa ikadalawampu’t dalawa

13 Enero 2018

Dalawampu't dalawang beses ka nang umikot sa araw, hindi ka pa rin tiyak sa puwang mo sa mundo.

Minsan nandun ka sa pula ng takipsilim, isang nag-aalimpuyong na damdamin. Minsan, nasa ulap na nagbabadyang bumuhos ngunit pinipiling matunaw palayo.

Minsan, sakay ka ng daluyong -- tangay-tangay ng hangin at hila-hila ng buwan. Ngunit madalas, nandun ka sa bulalakaw na nakikinig sa laksa-laksang hiling at hinaing. At sa'yong pagbulusok sa kawalan, dala mo ang bigat ng mga puso, liban na lamang nung sa iyo.

Marahil wari mo'y buhangin ka lang na nag-aabang sa halik ng alon sa dalampasigan. Ngunit nakakaligtaan mo bang ipinanganak ka sa bukang-liwayway at hinele ka ng hanging amihan? Pinalaki ka sa pagitan ng pagbabalik-tanaw at bagong simula. At hindi man tiyak sa ngayon ang puwang mo, manalig ka na ang sangkapiraso mo, kahit papaano, ay kakarampot nang hiwaga sa mabangis na mundo.

[janeygermia]

looking at you, staring at me; telling myself that I ain’t fallin’

[janeygermia]

Iduyan mo 'ko sa'yong mga kamay at matutulog akong may pananalig na bukas ay magigising ako sa bukang-liwayway ng 'yong mga mata.

[janeygermia]

HNY

2016 was a beautiful portrait, a hard-fought sablay. Yet it was stained with tallies of death, cuss words of threat -- of war, of a little bit of faith. Somehow, it was the usual 1:59am story of your bruised heart over vodka or mojito (or both). It tasted so bitter, so good and when it came to pass, you wondered why some things are difficult to say sober.

It did sound a lot like pained chuckles and Ang Bandang Shirley's Siberia on loop. "Yup, you will be okay somehow," you constantly remind yourself until you get burnout.

It was that one question about your holiday plans, when you suddenly realized you have to have one.

It was the fulfilling lone trip to the grocery. It was a potpourri of muffled sobs, pangs of regret, could-have-been's and almost's.

It tasted a lot like the glorious Ministop chicken, Jollibee chicken and all sorts of fried chicken and somehow you were tired of it but sometimes you wanted more.

You read it like all the wars and good night's compressed in 140 characters. Good lord, it sucked. But you have to admit, you just can't get enough.

Exhausting. But if anything, it taught you that you were capable of feeling.

[janeygermia]

"If there was a chance that we could be lovers, I'd write you a book of handwritten letters and burn them all up to the end just to start over again"

[janeygermia]

bilang

segundo, oras, minuto,

linggo, araw, buwan:

matagal.

naghintay ‘yun saglit.

nagsimulang maglakad.

yung isang hakbang naging dalawa

tatlo, apat, lima

di mo na nabilang pa

hindi mo ba siya nais makasabay?

di gumagalaw ang mga bibig mo

pilit nangusap ang mga mata.

mabagal.

sumagi marahil sa isipan nun.

at hindi mo namalayang malayo na pala,

abot-tanaw na lang.

abot-tanaw

at ikaw,

ikaw na lang.

‘yung mabagal para sa kanya?

natututo ka pa lang. nag-aaral. naghahandang sumugal.

nagbubukas ng loob. naniniyak. naninigurado.

nagmamatyag.

naghahandang sumugal.

at hindi mo yun kasalanan. hindi rin niya kamalian.

siguro hindi lang magkatulad ang inyong mga mundo.

minsan, baka matutunan rin niyang simutin ang panahon

tumigil, mag-ikot, magdahan-dahan.

magliwaliw. tumigil.

pagmasdan ang ngiti, ang kislap, ang kindat

baka mapagod rin sa pagmamadali ang mga paa.

at sa pagbibilang ng segundo, araw’t buwan.

at ikaw, makakaya mo na ring maglakad, tumakbo, lumipad

sumayaw. sumabay. umindak. umindayog

matutong sulitin ang bawat panahon

mabuhay na parang walang bukas

sisimutin na rin ang bawat segundo, araw’t buwan

balang araw, harinawa

magkakatagpo ang inyong mga mundo’t

magkakasabay kayo.

hawak niyo man o hindi ang mga kamay ng isa’t isa

sa mga panahong ‘yon

tiyak na siya sa sarili niya,

at ikaw, sa iyo. 

12 Disyembre 2016

[janeygermia]

[janeygermia]

[janeygermia]

20/20*

(2 months overdue)

The day I turned 20 was the same day I was officially enrolled for my last semester in college – the grueling, critical, hectic five months which I have excessively envisioned in my head for months.  

It was a day made up of The 1.5-hour travel to the university made bearable by Ang Bandang Shirley songs and “Happy Birthday” greetings popping out from time to time. The 811th priority number in the Cash Office while client number 647 paid. The words ‘Graduating? YES’ in my enrollment form, looking hot and asking me to “Come and get me”. The 1.5-hour travel to the city while I skimp what’s left of my phone battery as I savored Rico Blanco’s voice in my ears and pretended yet again that my life is a music video. The excessive heat, the incessant urge to drink softdrinks, the exhausting to and fro’s, the happiness in being alone.

The ‘normalities’ and abnormalities of life was what I got for my birthday. No gifts, no surprises, no eating out, no frills and no exaggerations. It was exactly what I wanted and I was pleased that I did not have to deal with the awkwardness of seeing ‘twenty’ rubbing itself in my face.

Because the day I turned 20 was also the day when I was enrolled for another take on life.

Like 1.5 hour travels to the moon and back, like being the 8,111th while the 647th took its turn, like ‘Yes’ not being the answer to everything, like another 1.5-hour travel while listening to yourself, like life… being strangely a music video.

(So cheers for this kind of birthday! A bite of scary and sweet rolled into one pan de sal. Hello second semester, hello life.)

*20/20 by Pupil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcB3Ooibn6k)

[janeygermia]

well I guess it’s quite difficult when you’ve already been the standard of all the conversations I had (and will be having) it’s kinda screwed up it begins with me wanting to try and risk again and ends with me exhausted -- disappointed that things didn't play the way they used to when I first talked to you September 2015

[janeygermia]

Plastik.