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12/3/19 To My Inner Child

Dear Jill,

You have grown up with absent parents. You have grown up feeling alone and misguided.

You have grown up with death, loss, and malnutrition.

You were raised on the ideals of perfectionism, scarcity, and distrust.

You were raised to become something superficial, an extension of your parents’ failed dreams and purest ambitions.

You were raised to hate your body. To reject your sexuality. To idolize self sacrifice.

You were raised to only care about yourself. You were raised to be hard on yourself.

You have survived trauma, after trauma, after trauma.

You have battled generational anxiety and debt.

And yet, here you stand. Raising yourself in your own vision.

Here, you face paralyzing anxiety over the “right choices.”

Here, you face impending judgement of your family, parents, and peers.

Here, you face the morality of choosing your own path.

It’s going to be hard.

You’re going to be learning things that no one in your vicinity or lineage has learned.

You’re going to struggle.

You’re going to question your ability.

That’s okay.

And that’s okay.

Right now you feel triggered because facing things you may fail at,make you feel like you might be a failure.

That’s not true at all.

You’re incredibly strong for seeking a different path and facing your issues head on. You’re strong. You are so, so, so loved. You are capable.

No one can take that away from you.

I will take care of you.

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I used to really enjoy men seeing me the way he sees me.

“... you were wifey. Smart, cute, independent. That’s why I’m nervous.”

Now it seems juvenile. Or maybe I’m just feeling detached at the moment.

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I want so badly to be understood

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I give up on it.

I give up on romance.

Romantic love isn’t real.

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boys are so stupid

do I even want to entertain or do I just not know what to do with my time

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absolutely obsessed with the romanticism of having a locket with a picture of your beloved tucked inside

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me: *pushes ppl away before they have a chance to hurt me*

me: damb why is everyone ignoring me

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Scenario I keep imagining, hoping for in my head:

- Derian realizes all the habits he neglects that contribute to self care are extremely necessary to being in a successful relationship, making himself happy, etc & actively tries to take care of himself

- He gets fits and his sex drive is up again and I’m wildly attracted to him again

- he realizes that he wants me and wants a relationship and is willing to put the work in every day to make that happen

- he performs some grand romantic gesture before my birthday

- we both achieve our money goals and everything else falls into place

- we end up together, happy, one day living in my old house because it has 3 bed rooms and 2 parking spaces and enough room for entertaining people (this part I think I only imagine because I really want Danny to be okay when his parents leave)

But this will not happen, and hoping for it will only lead me to disappointment. I will be single on my birthday. I will most likely cry on my birthday. Boys take a long time to figure out that I was right in the end. Danny is not my responsibility and I should focus on myself.

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I just want some fucking consistency and stability

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all I feel is loss

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Anne Frank | The Diary of a Young Girl | 1947

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Prints of this poem available here. 

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The mughal emperor Jahangir struck coins with the 12 signs of the zodiac

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why can’t I ever find anyone that consistently, passionately chooses me like I do for them?

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12/19/18

Do people like me for me? or do they just like how I make them feel?

Do my interests matter? Am I at fault because I’m so private?

I am so tired of predicting what everyone else needs.

I wish someone would emotionally take care of me.