jaeclerc

[jaeclerc]

My gym motivation is to build a hockey butt

[jaeclerc]

Are they on a date or at work?

[jaeclerc]

US$100 for a gallon of huckleberries you might as well just fucking rob me at gunpoint dude

[jaeclerc]

someone pointed out that the second gif is basically will's pov of the moment in the first gif, and now I'm just thinking about that...!

[jaeclerc]

Coloured a photo study from a while back

[jaeclerc]

From my will: No funeral. Instead host a debate between some of the guys i know for ownership of my stuff, sowing hatred and distrust between them. as a bit

[jaeclerc]

words from merry Christmas, please don’t call by bleachers!

[jaeclerc]

Excerpt from White Ferrari ; WillMack ; WIP

Macklin looked over his glass to across the bar and wished he had not. In an instant, his joyful mood withered away until all he was left with was a deep pit in his stomach. His lips instinctively turned down as he quickly looked back at the beer in his glass. He was twenty-two and still unable to escape how seeing the first boy he ever loved affected him.

Four years removed, a whole college degree in hand, and a vast future in front of him. Yet, seeing Will made him go back to that day, the day when his whole world crumbled. If he closed his eyes he could still hear the thunder, the way it was so silent in between the deep claps as Will stared at him, disbelief in his eyes and an angry tremble to his body. The sound, image, smell, and feeling of that moment was permanently etched behind his eyelids. He could never escape it. He isn’t sure he ever wants to. That was his karma.

“Mack?” Will’s voice had matured, and Macklin’s mind wandered. What had he been doing in these past few years? What new scars does he have? In between 18 and 22, Will’s voice had matured, he had grown into his body a lot more, and he was a whole new man. It made the pit grow further until it felt like all his organs were falling in.

“Oh, hey!” Macklin replied, a smile on his face as Will looked at him, coming closer so they were side by side at the bar. He did everything he could to avoid actually looking at him, afraid that looking at Will would reveal his emotions. Will had a bright smile on his face when Macklin had the balls to look at him. The last time he had really spoken to him had been that day, and the conflicting images made his head dizzy.

“How are you, Big?” Will asked, using Mack’s childhood nickname. The one he had given him when Macklin had moved to Boston. It made his heart hurt, in the way that only Will could. “What’re you up to? Your mom told my mom that you graduated in May.”

“Yeah! I’ve just been here with Dad, training under him.” Will’s smile flinched at that and Macklin should’ve known better. He was out of practice with skirting around his relationship with his father. Everyone at college just thought it was cool that his dad was the medical director for the Celtics. They never had the personal insight into his relationship with him.

“What have you been up to?” He added on. Will’s body closed up instantly and it pinged in the back of Macklin’s head.

“Just,” Will paused and the sirens in Macklin’s head got louder. “Here for a bachelor party.”

Macklin hummed, taking a sip of his beer. He wasn’t dumb, he could piece it together. “Congratulations. How long have you been with them?”

Will looked surprised, like he thought he was vague enough. Maybe if it had been someone else, someone who had not known him since childhood, he would have been. But, he was speaking to Macklin. Macklin knew him, even after years apart. He had been there when Will’s tells were just being developed.

“Three and a half years.” It was quiet, whispered into his drink like he didn’t want Macklin to hear. Macklin didn’t want to hear, but he did anyway. He didn’t know why he was surprised. They’d been no contact for four years. Rather, it seemed, Macklin had been no contact with Will.

Macklin just smiled at Will, but Will did not smile back. He stared into his drink, like he could find what he was looking for in there. He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. Will cleared his throat and tried again.

“I-“ Macklin couldn’t stand to look at him any longer, so he dropped the fake smile and looked away, staring ahead as he waited for Will to gather whatever he was trying to say “I’m happy. I have a dream job here in Boston. My fiancée, Logan, she’s at Harvard law.”

“That’s great, Kibs. Happy for you.” It sounded hallow and dropped between like a stone, awkward and heavy.

“Macklin.” Will sighed “It’s been four years.”

“I know. It’s crazy how fast time goes by.” Macklin tried to brush off what he knew Will was attempting to say.

“No, Big. It’s been four years. You are mad at me, and it’s been four years.” Will tried again. Macklin couldn’t even look at him as he scraped out an empty laugh.

“No, Will. I’m not mad at you. It’s been four years. All four I have spent knowing I’m in the wrong for what happened.” He couldn’t even say what he had done, what had happened. “Look, I’m happy for you. You’re doing well, that’s great. You’re about to get married and I know that’s your dream. The big wedding, the 3 kids, the picket fence, you’re about to have it all and I’m happy to see that.”

“But?” Will prompted. Macklin hates that he knows there’s a but, even if he tried to mask it. The perils of growing up side by side, attached at the hip and also of being in a three year relationship for some of the most formative years of their lives.

“But nothing. What’s done is done. We all experiment as a teen, I get it.” Will’s eyes grew soft and sad when Macklin dared to look at him. He didn’t want that pity.

“Big,” Will mumbled softly, low and slow like he was trying to find what words to say to crush Macklin “It wasn’t an experiment. I loved you. You were my first love and that ended but that doesn’t mean you weren’t the first in everything for me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like guys. Obviously, I like guys, I was with you for three years.”

Macklin snorted, shaking his head. “No, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to hash this out, I don’t want you to reassure me that what we had was real. I know it was real, Will. It’s not real anymore, though and I have spent-“ He paused, trying to gather himself so he doesn’t spill all of his secrets.

“Macklin, please.” Will says softly, almost begging. That is all.

“Please, what?” The beer was stale when Macklin takes a sip and he wants to throw up. But he needs something to fill the space so he doesn’t end up telling Will everything.

“Please just talk to me about what is happening. I manage to catch you for the first time in four years and I update you about my life and you look at me like I stabbed your Mom and then brush it off as if I can’t see the anger in your face. Why are you angry at me? Why haven’t you spoken to me in four years when I reached out so many times that I looked insane? I had to ask your Mom about you because you weren’t responding.” Will was waving his hands around and gesturing, making it obvious that they were arguing. Macklin could see the curious stares around them.

“Why does it matter? You’re going to get married. I’m just your ex. I cheated on you, if you don’t remember. You went to college and I freaked and cheated. And, then we broke up when I told you and that’s what you do when you breakup, especially when one of you cheats. You don’t talk, you forget you ever met, and you move on. Yet, I can’t seem to move on. So, here we are, four years after we broke up and I’m still stuck on you and you got with someone six months after we broke up. And you’re getting married.” Macklin knew he couldn’t even blame Will for moving on so soon.

If he had been in Will’s place, he would’ve gotten with the first person who offered and rubbed it in Will’s face for eternity. But, Will was better than him. Will was always better than him.

Macklin couldn’t even look at Will, his throat working over and over, trying to clear away the thick layer of embarrassment and years of built up yearning that he had just admitted to. He slapped a bill on the counter, unsure of the value and swung around to get to out of there quickly. Boston was big enough that if he tried hard enough, he could avoid Will. He’d been doing it for four years, he could do it for a few more months.

[jaeclerc]

The arrogance of Hockey Canada about their own skills and their own superiority cannot be overstated

[jaeclerc]

this team is so silly i can't with them

[jaeclerc]

i'll never get over the casual homophobia of the tri city kiss cam always panning over to the away bench at some point 😭

[jaeclerc]

thinking a lot abt those gay baby sharks

[jaeclerc]

tyler toffoli: ok 😒but why am i the outsider pov

[jaeclerc]

punk emily perkins playing nintendo ds at her desk job you are so real to me

[jaeclerc]

a body count not as in homicide nor as in sexuality but as in the trail of people from my childhood and adolescence i should’ve been a better friend to and taken better care of but i was too busy being caught up in my own heartache to recognize their own and therefore our relationship tapered off in an extremely unsatisfying way that continuously manifests itself as a thrumming sense of grief in my chest. anyway which restaurant chains have the best free pre-meal bread?

[jaeclerc]

they both reach for the gun

[jaeclerc]

if you've never engaged with a creative art on a regular basis you need to understand that it requires concerted effort to get into "the groove" to make something and every second that it takes to get into that groove causes physical pain, but the only thing worse than doing it is not doing it.