jacobkrin

[jacobkrin]

i just want to have consistent good self-esteem but noooo

my brain keeps deciding otherwise, even now

i have no clue why it happens, but it does, and i wish it'd happen less

i get that being happy all of the time's an impossibility, but man i wish it'd happen to me more, like i was around 10 years ago, i remember being happier then but that all changed in year 9 or 10, i kept having panic attacks outta nowhere then

or at least fear, maybe they were panic attacks? those have stopped now either way

i have no idea if i have depression or not but sometimes i sure as hell feel like i do

i was playing a game of mafia recently and got disguised as which happens every so often, and someone could tell i was disguised because i have low self-esteem, and i've gotta agree

sure, i can TRY to like myself more, but there's no way it'd be at a point where i'm narcissistic as these feelings would just come back to knock me down

i did end up confessing to someone that i had feelings for them a few days ago though, so i guess i got a bit of confidence? well, at least enough to confess to someone. sure, the feelings weren't mutual and i don't blame anyone for that, and i didn't feel hurt for too long bc i appreciate our friendship

but a few days after that it made me think about myself being single for my entire life and all

ngl, at times it feels like it's gonna continue to be that way, and i'd say that it's one of my biggest fears, being alone for the rest of my life

sure, i doubt that it'll stay that way forever, but a huge part of me disagrees and thinks that i'll never be in a relationship for the rest of my life

sure, i KNOW that i should just focus on myself and go about with my life until someone comes along, but the despair i'm feeling about that doesn't help much, especially as it doesn't motivate me to do some stuff in my day-to-day life, and i really wanna do more stuff again

i've had people say stuff like i'm a catch and that i'm a great person and that some people are surprised i'm not dating anyone yet, and while they were probably being serious about it part of me feels like they were all saying it just to be polite. idk. i mean, i'd hope it's true but i can't tell

i want self-esteem but it doesn't come out of nowhere. talking to people does make me feel happier and distracts me from these feelings at least, so that's better than nothing

but i definitely can't talk to people or have people talk to me all the time, there'll be times like now where i'm not talking to anyone because of the time

i guess it'll always be a part of me that i just have to accept, and i've tried to but a huge part of me doesn't want these feelings bc of how painful they are

writing this does make me feel somewhat better at least. maybe sleeping'll make me feel better as well? i hope it does, otherwise there'll be problems when i wake up

[jacobkrin]

In Super Smash Bros. Melee, computer-controlled Bowser’s AI has an oversight whereby he will use his Fire Breath attack, which hits the ground, in front of destructible platforms and then continue walking without being aware that the attack made the platforms impossible to walk on, dying in the process.

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[jacobkrin]

hi lol

[jacobkrin]

can't wait for the new year :)

[jacobkrin]

just beat the portal advanced maps, feeling good :)

[jacobkrin]

it got cancelled but that's fine, at least i didn't get ghosted, plus i was much more forward than i usually am :)

unless i get ghosted or something i'm meant to have a date on wednesday, i'm excited :)

[jacobkrin]

unless i get ghosted or something i'm meant to have a date on wednesday, i'm excited :)

[jacobkrin]

i've recovered myself, all's good again 😁

Feel like I could be on top of the world if I wanted to right now

[jacobkrin]

the loneliness hurts at times

i dunno how much longer i can hold on for, but i have to try

i could give up, but that'd be forfeiting everything, and i think that'd be worse

[jacobkrin]

oh god there's so many games i wanna play but new content's being released for games i already play, it's like i have no time

*spots work*

well...

[jacobkrin]

boy do i love boredom

i love having no idea about what to do for the day, it's just great isn't it

[jacobkrin]

[jacobkrin]

still using my blog as a little vent spot into the void at times B)

this is one of those times

i keep using dating apps even though for the most part they're a detriment towards my mental health, i know in the long run they're a terrible idea but bloody hell, i keep coming back literally every day only to get nearly no matches

and before anyone asks, no i don't think i'm entitled to matching with anyone, everyone has their own preferences and interests that allow them to choose who they wanna swipe right on

i said i get nearly no matches as yeah, i do get matches from time to time. but most of them end with me being ghosted or unmatched out of nowhere. it ends up making me feel terrible and that i did something wrong. sure, SOME of the unmatches are probably because of problems with me, but if there's no reason why then i can't work on those problems

i really wanna stop using dating apps, but i'm also single still, (hi to the 0 people that are interested lol) so i'll still keep trying to match with and talk to people, but maaaaan does it suck trying

i'm still aiming to work on myself first and foremost, but with thoughts like these it makes it much harder and just impedes my progress

i'm trying to improve myself so i have these thoughts less, but because of the thoughts i find it hard to improve myself

sure the friends that i've mentioned this to say stuff like it's no big deal and that i'll eventually find someone, but having gotten zero (0) dates or relationships at all in my life, i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that's true

in one of my earlier posts i mentioned that when i have these thoughts stuff like "you're going to die alone" comes back to me

one possibility i just considered is that maybe i just need attention? it's much easier for me to try and get attention than to try using dating apps or getting into a relationship, since i've got people i can talk to every day. but sometimes it feels like i have to initiate stuff, and the thought of me being the only person to do that out of everyone i know terrifies me

i can make friends, but keeping them on the other hand? well, i dunno

anyway even though i just said it isn't good for my self-esteem i think i'm gonna continue using dating apps and stuff. who knows, maybe it'll help improve my confidence somehow?

[jacobkrin]

*post gets 1 like and reblog*

me: i'm finally popular, no way!

[jacobkrin]

i keep having to wait an hour at the train station because the train i want's either full or late

[jacobkrin]

Afternoon by the river, early 2000s

[jacobkrin]

guess who just applied for a job 😎

not guaranteed that i'll be accepted but i still did it!