jaadandsonette

[jaadandsonette]

[jaadandsonette]

[jaadandsonette]

[jaadandsonette]

Dear Diary,

I was initially intending to write to you every day that I spent away on holiday, but eventually I just decided to savour the moments I had there and to disconnect a bit from everything else that I usually keep on my radar.  I am so glad that I did. However, I do want to write about my time away, so that I can keep my experiences close forever. 

Portugal was beautiful. I had fun exploring Lisbon, Sintra, Cais Cais and all the pretty places and sights that was on offer, but in truth I was counting down the minutes that I would see him. When he eventually arrived in Lisbon I could hardly believe that I would have to wait a few days to be with him, but he found a way to be with me as soon as he could. When we ventured out to our planned time in Porto, it wasn't the undoubtedly beautiful city that left me breathless... It was him. Every moment we spent together felt like I was being gently put back together in ways I didn’t even realize I needed.

He fills me with a kind of joy I’ve rarely known... Steady, deep and sometimes even overwhelming. Being with him calms the noise in my head and anchors me. He makes me genuinely happy, in a way that feels so effortless and real.  It’s not just the words or the laughter or arguing about directions and being silly wrestling... it’s the way he sees me. All of me. Even the parts I usually push down and keep hidden away. And instead of looking past them or running away, he leans in. This connection still feels like a gift I don’t quite know I deserve.

This time has showed me just how good we are together, how right it feels. It wasn’t just the big moments, but the small, quiet ones. The way he held my hand and touched my hair, the way we moved through days as if we’d been doing it forever, and it has left me wanting more. 

Forever with him just doesn’t feel like enough time. I want more lazy mornings, more evenings, more doing boring couple things like grocery shopping and binge-watching shows on the couch and more days in between. I want more of the way he makes me feel so completely at home. I know that he will probably gently chide me for wanting that, with his always uber realistic outlooks, and his brilliant logical mind, that sometimes frustrates the hell out of me, and in truth, I don't know if he would even want the same. 

But I love him. Who knows if I will ruin everything by daydreaming about more... I don't want an upheaval of his life right now... No pressure, no demands, just a whisper to myself that maybe, just maybe, love is sometimes worth the risk.

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have him in my life, but I know I’m profoundly grateful that he’s here.

[jaadandsonette]

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=VgKDvjCCSqQ&si=90OELmIW3GroQVat

[jaadandsonette]

[jaadandsonette]

PERSPECTIVE It has taken me a few days processing what you did and said and wrote here... In a page called Jaad and Sonette. Our journey... I've read it what feels like a million times and every time it still makes me feel raw and makes tears jump to my eyes. I guess I am writing this partly for you (you know most I'm sure) but partly also for me to reflect on the journey that brought me here. After this I'll only post memes forever. Lolol I was born with the competitive nature I have today (yes I know lol). It's been a blessing and a curse... It's always been about being the best, doing the most, leading the pack, being switched on and beyond that, achieving that myself without needing anyone else to get where I want to go. I've achieved almost every goal I've set for myself and to anyone else I am the perfect example of a self made success story. The price of that has always been personal relationships, which has taken the backseat to every goal. Sex was never a problem and was a welcome release from the intensity of everything else, nor was making friends. But I kept them at best superficial and never more than skin deep whilst being a rock for those closest to me. Some of that comes from my internal view on how feelings weaken you but some of it also from a place of fear, if I have to be completely honest. It is this narrow view that kept me in my hopeless marriage for a long time in spite of the risk to my personal safety and mental well-being. I treated that relationship and others like everything else in my life... I needed to do the best, love the hardest, throw everything in to make it work. I refused to admit the failure that it was but in the process broke a part of me and closed my heart even further to the world, never to be hurt or used again. After it all ended I felt like there was nothing left. Having given so much to everyone and everything else for so long I was simply empty. Whilst I healed, you know the unhealthy habits I threw into but it brought me to Discord. And then you happened. You frustrated me at first. It's not an unusual emotion as many people frustrate me. But at the back of the frustration was intrigue at finding a worthy opponent (lol), respect for the person I saw you to be and a chemistry that I could not deny. Loving you was a slow awakening for me... It crept up on me whilst I was distracted by the fun we were having. I don't think I would have allowed it otherwise. But before I could realize it I was lost in you. So utterly and completely that I eventually just had to admit it to myself but even harder, admit it to you. Sometimes I feel so surprised by what we have found here. I blink my eyes and realize how you have challenged me to lean into aspects of myself that I have closed down and forgotten. Your brilliant mind brings out my competition in the best possible way, making me thirst for the knowledge instead of another empty win and makes me so proud of who and what you are instead of wanting to show up a competitor. You, my love, have shown me the strength that can be found in feeling feelings and the fact that comes with matching sexual desires, wants and needs is both exhilarating and exciting. This, what I am, what you are, what we are, what we are to be... has become my own cosmological horizon. XX

[jaadandsonette]

Everywhere

Can you hear me calling Out your name? You know that I'm falling And I don't know what to say I'll speak a little louder I'll even shout You know that I'm proud And I can't get the words out

Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere (Wanna be with you everywhere)

Something's happening Happening to me My friends say I'm acting peculiarly Come on, baby We better make a start You better make it soon Before you break my heart

Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere (Wanna be with you everywhere)

Can you hear me calling Out your name? You know that I'm falling And I don't know what to say Come along, baby We better make a start You better make it soon Before you break my heart

Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere Oh, I I want to be with you everywhere (Wanna be with you everywhere)

[jaadandsonette]

For you x

So, I’m going to be completely honest here and say that this section wasn’t written until later because there are just certain things I need to preface.

Why am I writing this? It started as something just to be a token of my appreciation, something that grew into a deeper love. The thing is during that time, while things didn’t change, we underwent profound experiences. Irrelevant it is whether they were positive or negative, the reason being that it provides a veritable breadth of insight. Insight into who we are both individually and collectively as well as the people around us. This journey, these experiences brought me here to revaluate who I am and to discern exactly what we are. Who you are. It turned out to be one of the most valuable journeys of both my life, and future self.

I’ve never thought I was anything special, in fact I grew up knowing that. I did grow up with privilege and I didn’t suffer any truly traumatic events, I haven’t felt pain as others have. Physically I’m not in a higher percentile whether it be looks, height or fitness. Academically I did well but I was never the best student. Creatively I never really found my calling in art, music or performance-based entertainment. I was never down on myself because of it, I accepted the reality of who I am and what I can do to better my chances at success and a heathy social life.

The only stand out has always been relationships, where I didn’t have an issue finding someone. This was a lot easier when I didn’t really know what, or who I was looking for. I’ve never been here; I’ve never felt this. There was a time where I understood artists having a muse, but I didn’t think I’d ever experience it myself.

 I think I did okay.  I did okay because the one thing I have is my words, and while they might not be as impactful as what has historically been seen as a declaration of love, that’s because that’s not what this is. This is what I’m best at. A collection of experiences, told through words and numbers under different mediums. For us.

[jaadandsonette]

Cheeky word cloud, maybe i laugh a bit too much LMAO <3

(I don't think Gif is a word)

[jaadandsonette]

For everything you said, ditto x

[jaadandsonette]

Look at us, uptick for lunch break then can't wait to unload once work ends ;)

[jaadandsonette]

Incredibly lucky my love x

[jaadandsonette]

Pretty even when it comes to how much we talk though, always a back and forth and seemingly endless <3

[jaadandsonette]

The fire to my water <3

[jaadandsonette]

Whatsapp Chat

All our msgs on whatspp, I get it you write more words than me LOL

But through it all, I love you.

I hope you enjoyed my nerdy page for us x