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Finally In To Has Been

Intro

November 26th, 2018, the day I was finally “in.” Ask anybody who knew me growing up, I was not your typical cookie cutter sorority girl. I went into college with the notion that I would never join a sorority in my life. My dad and I even had a discussion that I never really got along with girls growing up, I was always around the guys (jocks). But here I was, sitting in my alcohol-ridden, yet surprisingly up-kept, sorority annex house that I called home for Junior year of college - The Nut House - and I was announcing my term as President in the most formal of manners - social media. This was among the top 6 proudest moments of my life to date. Yes, you read me right, I said 6. I may or may not have an aversion to odd numbers, it’ll be easier if you don’t ask questions and, as every sorority woman will tell you - trust the process.

Chapter 1

Let’s rewind to the beginning, shall we. Rhetorical question - we shall. Remember, trust the process (and only I get to ask the questions). 

October 24th, 2015, I’m changing out of my Homecoming court dress and tiara (not crown, tiara. Coming in second is something I will never get over, but people say that’s something to talk to my therapist about… we’ll to that later). My best friend since kindergarten, Katie, and I are getting ready to visit a state college together. The one I fell in love with the first (and only) time I visited and subsequently, the one her current boyfriend was attending. It sounded like a match made in heaven. Absolute fate that Katie and I could pack up our suburban Silicon Valley lives and move three hours north to a quaint little town called Chico. Me, following my gut, and Katie, following her… heart. 

It’s pitch black in the middle of the boonies, or so I assume, I fell asleep rather quickly. We left our familiar hometown of Sunnyvale, California and were headed north. It was an easy road trip, if you’d even consider three hours a road trip, or so we thought. 

Katie and I jolt out of our deep sleep in the back seat as her father slams on the brakes and the sound of her mother yelling fills the SUV with terror. I thought this was it. My life was coming to an end and I didn’t even f*cking win Homecoming Queen. (Yes, I know this is the most ridiculous thing to have been focused on at this moment but the wound was still fresh and I did not have any cinematic reel of my life flashing before my eyes). 

Ed, Katie’s middle-aged new balance and jean short wearing father, breathes in deeply as he turns to us and says, “raccoon.” 

Raccoon. Raccoon? You almost put me into cardiac arrest over a RACCOON? I mean sure, we love a man who cares about all living things but the two living things in the back seat would have appreciated a less dramatic awakening from our peaceful slumber. Nevertheless, the raccoon lived on as did all living beings in that SUV.

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Natalie Díaz, from “exhibits from The American Water Museum”, Postcolonial Love Poem

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I miss you. I wish I could just talk with you. Just one conversation. It would make me so so happy. I wish I could just hear your voice.

@connectingwithsoul (via connectingwithsoul)

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A co-worker of mine was standing outside with me during a break from customers to share a cigarette with me, and told me about how he had lost his brother that he was close with some years ago. He told me about how they used to be in a band together with some friends, and how ever since he'd died, he hadn't played any music because he'd been too scared and anxious. I told him about how I'd lost my brother to suicide some years ago.

I went home and pulled out an old tiny wooden box my brother had given me before he'd died. I'd been using it to store guitar picks I'd collected over the years, including one guitar pick that used to be his. I haven't played the guitar since he'd died, my hands are too small to play some of the chords, so I play bass and piano instead.

I went to work the next day and gifted my brothers old guitar pick to my co-worker. I told him that it'd been sitting in a box for ten years unused, and would probably sit there for longer if I kept it there. Told him that I thought he deserved to have it, because I bet he could put it to better use than I ever would. Told him I didn't feel like it was coincidence that me and him would cross paths with each other in our lives, and that it seemed suiting that we had these similar experiences but split in two halves. That somehow, I felt like he was meant to have the guitar pick. I told him that I knew he'd not played guitar since his brother died, but that if he ever decided to play again one of these days, maybe he'd be able to honor both of our brothers by using that guitar pick.

He almost cried. He thanked me. Then he went home that night and for the first time in years he played the guitar.

I don't know what the meaning of life is or what my purpose is, but I do believe that love and human connection is one of the most important things in life. It's finding ways to tell strangers you love them and share experiences with others. I think it's all just about love.

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And when you see her, you'll be convinced that angels really do exist, and not just in fairy tales...

Random Xpressions

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i stand here and wait

for someone to notice

i’m more than the surface

you just have to focus

for the more you learn

the more you will appreciate

the better things in life

are not hard to mediate

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Such a passion could not suddenly vanish, it could only die of long starvation. Let is starve then.

Iris Murdoch, from The Book and the Brotherhood (via howifeltabouthim)

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I keep playing this over and over 🥺..

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Hey there friends! 🌇

We wish you a very warm welcome back to Wellness Wednesdays. We are deep deep into December now. So far, in fact, we now find ourselves on the longest day of the year itself. That’s it! We made it! Or, more importantly, you made it! Great work, folks.

We are making our way through the winter, one day at a time. Why not mark the occasion with a little help from the lovely people at @kokobot. They are here as ever with their unique brand well-being assistance. Their mental health experts specialize in helping people find the techniques and tools needed to take the utmost care of mental and emotional well-being

☮️ And with it, they have improved the lives of millions of people around the world. If that sounds good to you, it certainly sounds good to them—they would love to help you too! Why not start off with this fantastic mood-boosting interactive quiz? It’s the season of giving, after all, so consider it your first present of the year 🎁. We are just days from Christmas, and for those who don’t celebrate, we hope you are enjoying the festivities and beautiful winter weather.

As for Koko, it is a nonprofit that provides mental health technologies for large-scale social networks.

If you’re struggling through these longer days, why not click here to start an anonymous chat with kokobot, access further resources, or share what’s on your mind?

Don't like quizzes? Music, more your vibe? We have got just the thing you need. Enjoy a warm plate of soul food with this perfect feel-good playlist just for you.🎶

This is it, people. The longest day, and then it’s only ever brighter from here. 🌅

#holidayblueswithtumblr

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soft reminder 💜

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Drew Barrymore