izzysdiary003

[izzysdiary003]

[izzysdiary003]

hey! i haven’t been here in a while. it’s late may.

funny how things change and don’t change, i just read my old entries.

i have found trinity term tough. there have been good things, sure! swimming and sun and chatting and stuff.

but ultimately i have worked too hard, been super anxious, not done enough with friends, not expanded horizons. still self-hating, still insecure in friendships even if they’re going well. i’ve not felt very good all term. i am tired and i don’t feel like i’ve given myself space to work on myself or give enough to the people around me

i am trying! i got prescribed antidepressants or birth control to regulate my mood from the doctor last week. going with birth control because it seems less extreme. also, i need to help myself. even if i take antidepressants, i won’t be happy with bad habits.

i can work on this. seeing em tomorrow. confused by tabsi. desperately waiting for summer.

next week should be good though! less work, gonna see friends, getting my tattoo :))) i can do this. i’ve been feeling better lately, it’s just late right now.

also, i am proud of one thing. i’m reading my old entries and i feel like my relationship with food has improved a lot. still not perfect, but there’s been so much progress from my calorie counting fear phase. i am proud of myself !!!

[izzysdiary003]

Period log 24/05/24

it’s crazy. i started my period today and suddenly i’m not stressed about work.

i feel happy. i feel relieved.

i am not panicking even though the essay is due tomorrow. it’s not that deep! when previously i was crying/having rlly bad anxiety feelings like heart beating, dread feeling.

it’s literally like a huge weight off my shoulders.

i’m looking forward to tomorrow.

this is a new and great feeling. i didn’t realise quite how good it felt until now because for the past week and more i have dreaded the next day and just felt so hopeless. i felt like there was no getting out and i just had to trudge through each day.

basically now i am out of it i realise how good i feel when normal, comparatively!

for the first time in 2 weeks i feel optimistic about the next few weeks of term and can plan as if i’m going to want to socialise and have fun. i didn’t feel like i could do that before.

[izzysdiary003]

NYE 1:57

so blessed to have the life i lead and the friends i have. this is going to be a good year. i love being alive. obviously it will have its ups and downs but i have the power to make it a good one.

in tom’s spare room, where me and lika talked about the camels. i actually forgot that our first kiss was here downstairs , drunk, before she threw up, and our second in this room.

so much has changed since then. and i’m happy about it. change is ok.

i’m worth a lot. i’m an interesting, clever, pretty person who deserves love and, more importantly, friendship.

this year i need to push myself out of my comfort zone in terms of seeing friends and working efficiently (smarter not harder!), saying yes to the family, being considerate, sacrificing me time for time with others.

but i also need to be kind to myself. this entails a lot- sleeping, building self esteem and self love, better habits for my body and mind. i can do it! i can make a proper resolutions list tomorrow, but this is a kind and good start.

izzy, i love you. you are 19 and this is the year you will turn 20. i hope it will be a good one for you. and bless my loved ones. let it be happy and fortunate for all of us.

[izzysdiary003]

writing this in london, staying in cinta’s lovely flat. went to the ivy asia for din w family- AMAZING. had plum sake (the taste took me right back to japan) and tofu schezuan stir fry w shiitake mushrooms and cucumber sesame peanut salad and kimchi rice and ate daddy’s kimchi pork dumpling and mama’s popcorn shrimp. AMAZING

had cute itsu date w daddy and saw terrible napoleon film- cinematic but substanceless.

hannah pissing me off. on the train back from edinburgh today she told me she got w ela last night (as i feared would happen) and i found out she’s met up w rosa- who knows if they’re shagging. i have no claim to her but it makes me feel like shit. then she had the audacity to say i should find someone to be with, i said i needed someone emotionally healthy and available and THEN she said ‘don’t i fot those categories’. like you KNOW i like you but she doesn’t want a relationship and i told her as much. then she said she DOES have time for a relationship (despite ending things w me claiming otherwise) if it’s a man. literally enraging.

full of boiling questions. do you actually like me or just like that i like you. but i fear i know the answer. for my dignity i should end things bc i cant deal with the jealousy im not even justified in feeling. but i don’t want to end the flirting/possibility of sleeping w her…

how did my standards get here ??? watched nativity w the fam and mr maddens and jennifer just made me want a cute gf at xmas who is not toxic 😭😭😭

thinking how blessed and lucky i am though. amazing food, xmas with loving family. gna have scrummy breakfast and go shopping tomorrow !!! i love my life :) i need to not let the stupid hannah stuff get me down. i’m sure she doesn’t even realise i’m losing sleep over her.

[izzysdiary003]

[izzysdiary003]

Thinking a lot about h. Good memories from the night, slight heartache about the situation. I want something dependable. But i also want her body under mine. Remembering the sex has me so horny, but everything romantic has me a little sad. Fortunately the two seem mutually exclusive - i vascillate.

Watched 4/5 episodes of its a sin today. Heartbreaking. Lovely colin.

Did some work, washed hair, lay about. Throat hurts again. I was thinking earlier that compared to end of uni (bad food stuff, thoughts of sh etc) im doing really well. Maybe the holiday rest is working even tho ive not rested enough. Case in point - its 138 rn.

[izzysdiary003]

h’s last night.

npg (or npc as she said) fun but friends vibes, greggs and walking around - nice we can walk for hours and not run out of things to say. i don’t even remember what we spoke about on way back via archway.

i love the neighbourhood. oh to live there eventually. small world that she’s so close to where we lived.

stopped by her mums house for her to get me her suetonius (gift from olivia to her originally 💀), i met jordan peterson the huge cat. nice house.

the apartment was cute, small, dad vibes. i liked the balcony. her dad was interesting to meet (unofficially)- hulkingly tall new zealander who came home drunk and offered to make us breakfast

someone gifted him biltong at his work xmas party. i like the way he talks to h.

she made her bbq sauce quesadilla thing, i had toast. headache due to dehydration but lay on sofa spooning/always lying on one another.

watched bridget jones 2 (classic) and then 2 eps of crown- princess margaret’s death made me CRY. was wondering if we would get intimate but decided to let her make the moves. i liked that i was comfortable to let the night take its course.

uquizzes and pinterest stalking in bed. blue moon cup which she got me full of water. snapping lucy and giggling. cuddling. just as we started to get bored i did a quiz where i said i liked her nose. it’s asymmetric, she said. i got close to look and we started to kiss.

fuck she is hot. it’s not often that i can get turned on just lying next to someone imagining what we could do to each other. i’m so glad she likes grinding making out like i do. the skin against skin, needy movements.

when i’d come and we were gna do more, just as i was taking her shirt off, dad arrived home earlier than expected

lots of for fucks sakes etc. funny but irritating.

cuddling and more chatting. time wasting.

then we got again eventually. i really enjoyed it; sex w her isn’t stressful. her fingers on my clit didnt feel amazing, a bit jabby, but fuck were they good inside me. lips on neck, lips on her tits.

my favourite memory is her hands sliding into my pants and her giving a little gasp. she told me how wet i was. i’m not surprised. i fingered her too, rough and intense. we were so tangled up in each other that sometimes i couldn’t get the right angle but it was so good it didn’t matter. at one point we were fingering one another at the same time.

we had to try not to be loud, and sometimes she had to cover my mouth even. she choked me while i touched her. i love to look in her eyes while we’re making out, while we’re fucking each other. the occasional glance at her face while we adjust our stupid hair.

we stopped eventually bc it was loud and her dad was around. she said later that she wished her dad hadn’t shown up tho- nice to know she wanted more.

naked cuddling as per. she has the most gorgeous body i’ve ever seen and i love to hold her. i love her holding me.

funny mix of coupley and casual. this girl made sure if we saw each other again it wasn’t romantic (applause for good communication) but imagine lying in bed w her as the big spoon and feeling her randomly reach in to plant little kisses on my back, my shoulders, top of my head.

she said that she would have made out w me when she came to visit at somerville. me too, i realised. and at rag ball she said- tho i wouldn’t have then, i was genuinely angry, unless she initiated.

we spent some time going over old ground, talking abt how things went between us etc.

but it was all easy, playful even. i said, and i think it’s true, that im so much more relaxed about her now.

as we finally got to bed, 330isj after much delay, she kept breaking sleepy silence with little comments or giggles to herself which i asked about. i didn’t want her to stop talking. a couple of typical hannah things - like oh you want to do this every so often to get rid of your touch starved-ness etc. a little annoying but i don’t even mind really. i felt very content, and tho the not romantic clarification stung a tiny bit i just really enjoyed the moment of lying together.

nights sleep was broken but nice, as it is when you’re topless and cuddling. woke up exhausted w time to kill so spent an hour in bed watching reels, then had toast and took off.

kissed before leaving, but what struck me was the massive tight hug i got. i hope not too aggressively friendzoney? i got the ‘see you at uni’ line. but truly the evening was amazing. if we can do sth like that every once in a while i’d be happy. friends w bens would suit me, even if i walked away feeling more for her than i’m supposed to.

cute texting this pm- come back, i miss you in my bed, my personal heater etc. it makes me feel nice. i’m sad it’s over. Even if, as emmy said, i cant give her all my trust.

[izzysdiary003]

Great day today ngl. Embraced my laziness and watched final cunk on earth (possibly best tied with religion) and 4 episodes of the squid game show - hypocritical but its so good…

Did my work (worried about my pace with the petronius) and saw chicago at stahl! Cringe at first but i was massively impressed by emy and the girl playing velma - 4th form and a proper star. So much drama!

[izzysdiary003]

Went and explored oundle library today, underwhelming but a nice community space. Work interrupted by screaming stampeding children.

Binge watched cunk on earth, very entertaining. Also organised some work stuff and social stuff! Go me!

Meant to sleep early but H is about… she asked me to sleep over at hers… <3

[izzysdiary003]

i am concerned!

modern capitalist society exploiting people’s pain:

squid game reality show

https://www.vox.com/culture/2023/12/1/23983677/netflix-squid-game-challenge-review-reality-show-spoilers

mr beast

https://www.abc.net.au/religion/mrbeast-and-the-problem-of-philanthropy-as-spectacle/101998574

[izzysdiary003]

as predicted i am bored and sluggish sat at home. wtf am i doing !!!!!!! i feel like shit !!!!!

should have done latin today but i WILL start tmr. tonight: bath and cold comfort, sleep by 11:20.

up at 9 tmr, have made brekkie, crack on with greek and latin. shall we say 1.5hr greek in morn, 2hrs latin afternoon? or maybe just crack straight on

then for rest of day should do sth fun.

[izzysdiary003]

Been speaking with h all night. It’s 2am. Insecurities. Flirting. Exes. Bras. Boredom and excitement. Sleeping naked. Joking or not joking?

[izzysdiary003]

Talking to h again. Shes bad news but shes so entertaining. I would meet her in london and kiss her and let her fuck the shit out of me. Ive missed late night convos with a girl (and just on the night where i made a lesbian pinterest board…)

She does in fact want to meet me at the nat port gallery. What meaning should i take from this?

[izzysdiary003]

Drove really well to tesco today! Proud that i can drive after a 9 week break from it. Headache all the time (even iller now i’ve stopped doing stuff and am home?). L still thinks liking dan and phil is embarassing and posted about it. I think that is more embarassing for her. I feel bad for people who are too worried about what’s cringe to enjoy themselves. With exceptions (kkg) i am so reluctant to shit on stuff which used to make me so excited…. I love the past me that loved stuff like mcr so much. Passion is one of the greatest things a person can have.

However i am still desperate to be as cool/interesting/perceived as her. Obsession and jealousy lingers. She posts about her notes app, i look through my own to see what is post-worthy. I feel the need to read and do cool stuff solely when i see others do it. This is bad!

I cannot let the rot set in this holiday! I am gna read and sleep early tn, get up earlier tomorrow and do things. Start couch to 5k, eat nice food, start my greek and latin. I could even find a new spot to do it.

I should really get in touch with people too. People are all we’ve got.

I love that i’m rewatching the hunger games with my family. Catching fire last night. This resurgence is the best thing to happen this year in pop culture…

I love those corecore videos where someone smashes a plate and then there are these vague liminal videos that reaffirm life as interesting and emotional and fast paced. I think right now is a very limited way to live - at home in a small town, dark at 4pm, tired and ill. I need a richer internal world for sure or i’ll get devastatingly bored not running through fields or living under city lights.

I got a video talking about the bad side effects of anorexia today. Hair loss. Always cold. Loss of bowel control. How awful that all is. Yes i want to be a little skinnier but do i really? Its so not something i can let myself romanticise. I see girls w a little meat on their bones and i think they’re so gorgeous. That could be me.

I really need to learn to eat healthy ish and exercise but not be consumed with guilt. I definitely gain a feeling of control from calorie checking stuff. This is okay for now but could be bad. Let’s work on it! If i gained weight, would that really be so terrible? Would people value me less? I fucking hope not and i know they wouldn’t. I want to be strong.

I dont know why i care about L so much in the way that i measure up my life to hers to assume my successes and failures. Who fucking cares if she is skinnier than me. It’s not a competition! Imagine if she knew that i even thought about that…

My friends tell me that i am funny and interesting. It’s true. I need to get that into my head and work on my self confidence so severely. Low self esteem is legit at the core of every problem i have.

Not liking yourself is stressful (what did i say? Did i embarrass myself? I’ve made them hate me forever!). It’s lonely. It’s time-consuming (what do i eat next? And next? And next?). It makes you a narcissist!

I also need to stop watching porn. Bad habit which will only get worse! It’s when i admit these things that i realise this diary must be just for me. I feel like im writing with an audience in mind until i say unglamorous stuff like this. But u do what u gotta do for the God of Self-Improvement.

I’ll say this to myself. I love you! You have got this! You are worthy! You are trying!

[izzysdiary003]

I need a girlfriend to talk to at night who will tell me what to do and tell me to go to bed. I miss the feeling of being told to do something by someone who is supporting me

[izzysdiary003]

Nb the goal of this diary is partially to get rid of my late night thoughts in general so i can sort out my sleep schedule - hoping it will help with the bored numb night procrastination cycle