iwrotemyeyesout - Tumblr blog

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I don't think I remember feeling sad or mad or even lonely. To be quite honest, I don't remember feeling anything at all the day that you left. I haven't written (written well, I should say. But then again, how does one write well?) My mind is rusty and foggy and I can't string words as well as I used to.  Four years later, we sat in a room that was new.  I have a lot in my chest, and I'm not sure if you feel the same. Perhaps your chest is empty when you think about me, but my chest is overflowing. It is a cave full of unsaid things, tears, and memories.  I have dreamt about you every month since the day that you left. Once or twice a month, without fail, I dreamt.  There was no big revelation, no big scenes, no big epiphanies. They were simply just dreams about you. They were so unbelievably normal that I can't remember anything about those dreams other than two constant things; One, is that I dreamt about you and two is that in my dreams, you came back into my life somehow.  I used to wake up with a smile on my face after those dreams. But then, I would succumb back into reality: These dreams were merely the effect of missing you. "There's no meaning to it." I told myself that over and over again. I wholeheartedly believed that there was nothing more to it other than the fact that they were just dreams. Then one day you agreed to meet. Somehow the stars aligned in my universe and something good happened. A wish came true, I did something right and the cosmos planned to shower me with a million shooting stars so I could make a wish. And with a million shooting stars, I wished so hard to see you again. Four long years. Yes, I've kept track (and yes it's a bit sad) You stood by the door in the cold, looking unsure. I smiled at the dog and I smiled and kept smiling because I didn't know what the heck else to do. I diverged into holding and hugging the dog instead because I wanted to hug you for a whole minute but I didn't. Or couldn't. Or my cowardly instincts just didn't allow me to move, I didn't know what was allowed or appropriate. But I hugged your dad instead. "It's been a while", he said. Yes it has been. I was talking before I knew it and I kept asking myself; Am I talking too much? To be honest, I had this strange feeling that I wanted to cry at the same time as I was talking but that would have been strange in your eyes.  I looked and you haven't changed really. Aside from the new glasses and clothes that I didn't recognize, you looked the same and I was relieved. I guess I was scared that I wouldn't recognize you at all. I didn't have a lot of expectations. I built it in my head that way before we met up because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I've broken my own heart this way too many times before and I wasn't going to do the same dance with you. I fear that I won't be able to recover if I ended up tripping and falling because I climbed too high. The worst thing you can say to me is goodbye, again. Or nothing at all.  But, that's the worst thing and I told myself that over and over again just to help with my nervous heart as I walked to your front door. I think at this point, I'm really rambling but after last night, I am excited and hopeful. Two things I told my heart not to be. But I am both those things and I can't deny it. Now, I'm trying to bring the excitement down. Most of all, I'm just trying not to cry because that's all I want to do: Cry. I guess it's because my heart still aches after all these years from losing you. Seeing you after all this time was like quenching a thirst I didn't even know I had.  I feel like I'm still waiting at home, with my doors open, just waiting for you to come back into my life somehow. I don't know what the universe has planned for you and me (if there is even a you and me) but I can wait. For some strange reason, I have the patience, and I can wait. I have waited all these years and it seemed so stupid last night, but I was comfortable in your home. I'm not sure if you felt the same, honestly, probably the opposite: like a stranger was sitting at your couch, eating your food and using your things uninvited. I still ask myself what made you want to meet with me after all this time? A change of heart? It's not forgiveness because I know you forgave me for my wrongs a long time ago. I'm still not sure.  Our conversations were awkward but also comfortable at the same time. I'm not sure how you feel.  I talked and kept talking because I just wanted to share everything about me, about my life, in hopes that perhaps you'd like to be a part of it. Now that I think about it, I hope you don't think that it's because I like to brag or show off. God no.  It's more desperation, but I don't know if that's actually worst.  Anyways, I went to sleep dreamless last night.  I'm not sure if that remotely means anything at all. Maybe I was expecting to dream about you again.  I went home and was comfortable and it irks me to say this but my heart has hope. I'm a bit scared, I'll have to be honest and surprisingly I'm okay with being scared as I end this note here. The worst thing that could happen is: Last night would be the only time I'll ever really see you again. (Although, I'll have to say that the universe would then be truly cruel, and a tease that way) And I have to be okay with that reality if this whole thing decides to go that way. In the end, it's your call if you did want to open a new page with me and start writing again. If not, at least I can say that our last interaction ended on wonderful note; We would have caught up with each other's lives one last time, genuinely acted like old friends, and bonded over your new life. I'm sure I have a lot more to say, but for now I'll end it here.  Last night was truly a pleasure to be invited into your home and back into your life - even if it was just for moment, a quick glimpse. I'm still waiting for the day we can be friends again but until then, I'll be patient, I'll wait. If a flower is to bloom again after the storm, I have to wait for its roots to re-establish themselves in the dirt. I have to wait for the plant to heal, restore, and re-start before it can bloom again.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

By: Nastasia | nastasia.life

[iwrotemyeyesout]

You do not get to tell me what’s real for me and what’s not This one last time you ran away from me, I told myself; “don’t you dare chase after a person who doesn’t want you at all.” So I didn’t. And I’m happy I didn’t sit outside your window so you could shut me out again and again, and again because I’m sick of running after something that never wanted me at all. I am over it, And don’t tell me I’m not Because you don’t know me anymore– you don’t get to have that privelege at all anymore because you chose for it to be that way. don’t get me wrong, I miss the good times, I will never get over the good times only a fool wouldn’t bask in nostalgia But I’m over it– I’m over you throwing me to the curb, Honestly, I knew in my heart even when you were still holding my hands, you didn’t love me anymore. I was more of a chore and it’s fine. We both fucked this relationship in our own ways, why don’t we admit that? I was sick and tired of being treated like shit; I cheated. You were sick and tired of being treated like shit; You finally left. So sue me, for coming here, If it bothered you that much, make it private, delete it! The reason why I came here in the first place was because I couldn’t believe that that morning you were Kissing me goodbye, telling me you loved me Then, you left. Like that, without a word– Why? What was said? Why did you make that decision in the end? What pushed you? And God, just something out of your mouth. So don’t blame me for moving on, I was fucking forced to You left a bitter taste in my mouth, And if only you could have said something else, I would have been able to close the book With peace. Instead the last page was ripped out, like my heart. Don’t tell me I didn’t hurt, in fact I’m still hurting. You broke my heart too. So if you’re wondering why, That’s why, I was here. I had to believe that at some point it was good. Or that maybe you left me a goodbye here. But instead you left me with pointed fingers, bitter about the fact that I met someone else. He’s here for the good and the bad, and it is none of your business but I’m glad we had an argument. First fight already? Yes! Of course, that’s how relationships work. Why? Did you go into your new relationship thinking you wouldn’t argue at all? Fuck, well, I’m sorry to say that you haven’t really grown up at all like you claim to be. You don’t get to gage when it’s normal to have the first fight. And you definitely don’t get to speak about my relationship with Shaun at all, why? Because you’re not apart of my life anymore. Remember? You took yourself out of it. You decided you wanted it to be this way. If you had said the truth; That it’s not going to work then I would have never questioned it, hey at least we tried right? No hard feelings. But you unceremoniously left me hanging! Do you know how much that hurts? It hurt when I hurt you, I’m sure. And the pain we both feel? Tremendous Different pains for both ends but; Tremendous. But in the end, it was horrible I had to muster a smile because I had to. And when I felt like my knees were giving up on me, I bit my tongue and continued on. Because I had no choice. But if you really are so curious, You know what we fought about? We fought about him walking out. I am stubborn and I refused to label what Shaun and I had, “we’re seeing each other”, I would say. He wants me to be his girlfriend, But I am scared to give someone the opportunity to stay because they might do the opposite instead, And leave. One night, he snapped, he asked why I was always so suspicious of him leaving, And then I told him. I told him about you and me And how I’m scared if I ever fuck up or get into a serious argument with him he would leave me too. Just like the way you left me. We fought, and fuck it was glorious He knows the bad I’ve done but above all He saw the good that I was even after the bad. Cam honestly, you chose it to be this way. But don’t tell me what I feel right now isn’t real, because like I said; you don’t get a say anymore. Please, don’t tell Faith about me– or whatever you want to name her. Sell the ring, throw it, give it to your girlfriend, fucking burn it– I don’t care Just don’t give it to her. I don’t deserve to know her and she certainly doesn’t deserve to ever know about me. I don’t deserve her because I fucked this relationship up. She doesn’t deserve me; because from what you’ve decided, she obviously deserves better. You wanted me completely out of your life. Then follow through with it. Don’t speak about me to her. She shouldn’t even know about me. She should only ever know me as, “dad’s ex”. But I must applaud you, you still make me laugh. Please, don’t flatter yourself. I’m not trying to recreate what we had. Why would I ever want to do that? Please, I’m trying to replace what we had– with something better. Thats the point. I want to replace you. And actually be genuinely happy about it. Not just replace you because I have to make you jealous or I'm trying to fill this deep void in my heart. No. Why would I replace that void with something fake? I have no time nor the energy. I’m replacing you with what is actually good for me. Shaun is actually good for me. Shaun is good to me. this has nothing to do with you You wanted it this way, and I want to give you what you want one last time.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

Yesterday, I decided to go somewhere I shouldn’t be. The result? I ended up with pity. Pity for you. You do not get to call me anything. When I met you, I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. But you left me. I fucked up. Yes. I don’t ever and will never deny that�� but you left. You walked out. So no, you do not get to call me out for anything anymore. You were too big of a fucking coward to even back up the decision that you made. You couldn’t even utter a single fucking word out of your pathetic mouth. Look back at the last conversation we’ve ever had, and you tell me. Who fought one last time? Me. You let go of me. So please, wallow out of yourself pity and realize that you fucked up too. Don’t make this all about me, and ask yourself why I was so quick to move on. Because you gave me no other reason but to. And guess what? I’m glued back together now But I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke. I am truly happy, so don’t drag me down in your depression. If you think regret is something I feel? I’m sorry to tell you that I feel relief! This new guy and I fought last night, Over something so miniscule, I was ready for him to walk out– he didn’t And that was eye opening. Here was a man who knew how to treat me like his partner, not a child he was going to leave crying in The other room because he couldn’t take the bullshit. He fought it out with me. Something you’ve never done. I can tell; he is here for the good and the ugly. You were only here for the good. Here was a man, and you’re just a boy. And I’m too good for that. Don’t play the blame game when it Comes to cutting me out. You were first to delete me were you not? Let me remind you how that day ended First, you let me walk out. You left me on read, nothing new to me. And when I said I think you’ve changed your Mind, you didn’t deny it. And that’s fine, But you weren’t man enough to actually say it. For crying out loud, I said it for you. Then, you deleted me. I took that as my cue. I was so sick So fucking sick of this bullshit game you played. So I cut you out first! I wanted nothing to do with your pathetic childish games anymore. I have never, ever deleted you until now. You always have though, so why are you Speaking from your own asshole and calling me out for something you did all the time? When I took you out of my life. I truly meant it. That’s why I did it. You found yourself a new girl And I hope she makes you happy, truly. But don’t call me out for finding myself Bliss He treats me like gold Speaks to me like I’m human. The other day, we stayed in a sushi restaurant For two hours. Talking. The waitress took our plates away, But I was still talking, we were getting to know Each other. I watched for him to look at the time Or his watch or his fidgeting for his wallet– You know? My cue to shut up. He never did– in fact I had to apologize For rambling too long. He only smiled and asked me to keep going. Maybe it was attention I lacked from you. And when you did give me attention, it was a chore. That was the difference. He liked it when I talked about work, he liked the fact that I had passion and drive for what I do. We were driving in the rain yesterday, And I watched the pitter patter of the raindrops as we drove over the bridge– It matched the echo of my heartbeat. “Shaun– I just got a promotion.” He was so happy! Genuinely. Not a shitty ass congratulations– genuinely. I told him it meant I had to work Long, ungodly, inhumane hours. Work would consume me. He smiled, found it attractive that I had drive. His words? “I want you to be successful. I don’t care, I’m always going to be home waiting for you. You have the key.” And that was when I saw the contrast. You two were night and day. He wakes me up with a kiss, He sneaks behind me in the morning when I’m putting my face on, Coffee Then when I walk out? Breakfast “Shaun stop taking care of me.” He refuses. “Shaun stop paying for everything, I mean it” He refuses. Reads me well, and most importantly When I cried in public once because I was so taken By what he said to me. He called me strong. Something you’ve always Brought me down for. He is puzzled, because I am overwhelmed by how he treats me. “Who were you dating before me?” I’m not even doing much.“ That’s why, I feel bliss, relief and lots and lots of love. From him, my friends and family. My heart is full cameron, because I’m free. You consumed my heart, not in a good way. You consumed me with; "Is he going to delete me? ” “I’m scared to go into this conversation because he is going to get angry and walk out.” “Don’t say too much, he’s going to hang up.” “His words don’t mean shit. He is making promises when he is happy.” You consumed me with that. And when you walked out, it was a blessing in disguise, because the hole you left in my heart? I filled it with love from people who loved me–freely. You're right though, i did throw away a lottery ticket. For five dollars -- kind of like a, "you've gambled most of your money playing this game, here is five dollars back." I threw that away, instead I went into the next booth in the casino and found replaced you with a winning ticket that won me gold. So, no. I’m not sad. I feel pure bliss.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

It took me a while to write this but that was because I didn’t want it to be pathetic. I thought for a while about what I should write about. Your eyes maybe? Your laugh? Your smile? I thought for a long time and I realized that I have written about those a dozen of times. You’re probably sick and tired of hearing it. This isn’t a normal poem, but that’s exactly it. My love for you isn’t normal. I was in the kitchen, thinking about the last couple months and it hasn’t been easy. I was constantly scared and constantly paranoid that you’d leave because things got hard or too complicated. I stopped for a moment and prayed to a God I hoped at the moment existed. I wanted this so bad, I begged and begged. I asked in prayer that whatever life may throw at us, we both realize that love alone, is enough to get us through anything. We need each other, and as cheesy as it may sound… We complete each other in ways no one else can. If a God existed, I know he put us together for a reason. Life is going to get rough but I want us to remember that our love for each other is as endless as the ocean, but even with the sea, it comes with waves that can drown almost anything. But we are not most anythings, we are extraordinary together… And with the light of remembering things, this is a list of my 18 favourite memories for our 18th month. Follow this link http://547days.tumblr.com/post/133906211620/1-remember-when-we-first-started-dating-you-came

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I keep gathering the broken glass that shattered around me. My mother noticed the ghost in my eyes but while she watched me lose myself, I watched myself lose you. Stepping on its sharpness and coldness, I swallowed every sharp bullet you threw; your pull at departing and sometimes annoyance and the lack of everything that used to be there. My heart is starting to collect dust and the galaxy I used to look at is now missing the burning and shining and intoxicating image of the Perseids that’s burned the atmosphere of the Earth, And I sat cold and alone on top of a roof missing its warmth and light.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I'm not a math equation you decide to skip because I'm too hard to solve. I'm worth more than that.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

Spider-Man vs. Ant-Man in the upcoming Captain America: Civil War.

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I have stood back and watched you shine and grow this last year and when I look at you, my heart is like the galaxy, expanding infinitely with admiration at the stars in your eyes. You fight to not lose yourself everyday and I think that's the greatest battle ever fought and it is an honour to call you my best friend. When you think you're not enough, remember that I don't need perfection from you. No one should ever expect you to drain all the brightness from your own eyes to just to light their dark world. You are more than enough for me when I realized that you were the wishing star that showered the dark sky the night you called me yours.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I made it through the galaxies to find the lights of the entire universe has faded and what I saw on Earth was false. It faded just like the sparkle in the light of day, funny because it just begun. The words that were shoved deep down my stomach, was never hear of again.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

Pride

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I don't know what my problem is. I'm literally mentally fucked up, it's been more than a year and I'm still so messed up. I can't keep doing this. Sometimes I think what I'm missing is fucking closure. I didn't get to say what I wanted to say, and I didn't mourn the way my heart needed to mourn, and most of all I didn't cry like they way I needed to have cried the night I wrote that poem for him. I was an object of convenience and I hate feeling bad for myself over this because I know I am better than him and his crooked smile, and the knit eyebrows that used to examine my body like it was a piece of meat on a table laid out for him. That's what I was. That's all I was to him. I let him in me in so many ways more than one but he was like a vault with a code stashed away somewhere else. I remember walking down a long road with my best friend once, and almost crying as I told her about what I wrote the night before. I was so hopeless and tired and most of all drained. He drained everything from me and I have been trying to fill whatever else he took from me before. He stole what was important from me like a thief in the night. He stole me and my soul and the pictures I look at tonight has me written all over his page. I see my fucking self and he looks so goddamn proud. I want it all back. He doesn't even realize that after a year, he still hurts me when it's brought up. When I want nothing to do with him, he shows up reminding me of the mess I was on the floor the night he spent getting high with Alexis. I was a crumpled up, used mess on his bedroom floor and I couldn't even help my pathetic fucking self because he had me in chains.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I never knew that being this sad could make my whole entire body physically hurt

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I am here struggling to fight for your love. You sometimes sit there with a faraway look on your face and I start to wonder whether or not I should withdraw my weapons or to keep fighting. These four walls, the same one we made love in is now ripping me apart, piece by piece. A certain poison has been buried so deep inside my skin that it has began to work its way into the pores of my bones. Explosions happen because it gets contained when deemed too dangerous to examine and solve. Has it been too much that asking for your attention and time has become an inscription to be done in your agenda? Has getting to know each other on days we sit around in your car too much? My voice has gotten too loud, and my actions are now perceived as attacks and my love for you became suffocating. I'm going to fall so hard as  look at the bottom of the cliff with thorns and jagged rocks. We both went mad and I grasp onto your hands for support but my late night requests to see your face, the early morning calls, and my questions about your time has become a source of your exhaustion. I was only fighting for the old you that seemed to want to know everything about me and my day and if my favourite colour has changed. Now, ask yourself this... Has it changed? A stress was the last thing I wanted to be. It has been my goal from the beginning that I would be the thing you would come to when you were stressed. I never wanted to be the stress. I think it became hard for you to be around me when I couldn't push hard enough on the brakes. I went past the stop sign once more, and tonight, I'm exposed again. How was I so naive to think that going faster than I ever did before would help me dodge accidents? How was I so naive to not know the mere and simple fact of slowing down has saved lives? How could I be so fucking naive? For the second time in my nineteen years of life on God's green earth, I'm going to apologize; Baby I'm sorry I was going too fast. I seem to scare everyone I ever love.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

I experienced drowning once, physically your body is contorting in so many ways desperately trying to save itself. You flail your arms, you kick your feet, you gasp for air in the mere second your head bops up from the water and the rest of the world. But, in between all the chaos, you only have one thing in your mind: Am I going to die?  I get so fucking caught up sometimes, I feel like the cliche of death when things aren't right. I feel the metaphor of drowning and not being able to breathe. So what do you do when you feel the disintegration? the boy you are so in-love with, you begin to question because the late night face time turn into a routine of not speaking at all and you find you cannot expect anymore or ask for more and so you wish for it to be like that first dinner from last summer, when you first meet his eyes again after a month of being away.  You turn another corner, and try again but even your mom can't help you because she's asleep half the time. You can tell she's smiling with gritted teeth as she battles her own head. Sometimes you want to curl up in bed with her when an old nightmare comes to revisit you but you can't.  Instead, you sleep with that nightmare at the foot of your bed. You thought you outgrew him and the old memories and then you ask yourself how someone could be so cruel, taking a part of you just like that. Something pulls you deeper in the water and you hold your breath some more. You sometimes curse yourself for the vivid memory you have and the way you pin yourself against words like a pendant on a dress. You replay what he said this afternoon when he told you he would do it to impress his friends. You swore to yourself, you would never use the saliva from your mouth to spit on the ground cursing his name, so why wouldn't it be the same for him? Your head chants: "Is what we have really worth that much?"  You claw your nails on the ground asking questions, only to find that you've dug yourself a grave after drowning in curiosity.  Maybe some things are better left unanswered.

kp

what drowning feels like

[iwrotemyeyesout]

There's no form on drug in any counter nor aisle that can take away your tiredness and frustration but I hope I can be that other form of medicine to cure your headaches and hurt. I can be too much and too little at the same time but I promise you that my love for you will never come short. If you let me, I can take all your pain away. If you let me, I can give you rest. On nights where you've found that your feet has been plastered on the ground like a tree is planted on the dirt, think of afternoons like today; where the time stretched and you could close your eyes and forget the heat and let the grass tickle the roots of your head. My hands are always going to be there to hold you even when you've found them cut up, bruised and blistered from a day that lasted like a decade. And always remember that even when you feel so alone walking home at night from eight hours of yelling and you just want to slip into a bed and cry, I'll be missing you. Most importantly, don't forget that those early morning drives that make you want to claw your head out, look at the passenger seat beside you and remember the late evenings we'd spend at the lookouts near your house just to watch that same mountain in all of its glory. Don't let your fight die, yell at yourself on the inside and say: "If it's enough, then it's enough. You're not any less just because you have to say no. You're more than that." And that's what you are. You're more. You're more than the long hours that you work or the early mornings that you spend on the highway or the tired aching feet and blistered up hands. You're more. You're my star, and my hero.

kp

[iwrotemyeyesout]

There aren't any words to describe how it must feel to hear an excruciating past be brought back to life when you thought you've buried it. I cannot offer anything to make the anger, pain, jealousy--or whatever it may be-- go away. But, I can be there to repaint your walls again after they've been stripped down by people making you feel so vulnerable against words. I realized that I can no longer apologize for whatever hurts you because it is something I can't control. It's me and everything good about me but also the darkness that comes with me. Or you can walk away. But I'm hoping you never have to choose the latter because no girl will ever, ever care about you as much as I do. I may not be polished in every place but I will love you to the moon and back and back again a million times. Even if I can no longer run, I'll always find away to get to you even if I have to crawl, because for the first time in months since the sun came back, I noticed how your eyes glimmer against the sunlight when it hits it in the right spot. It's like the colour of the earth and trees that race up to the sky to try and kiss the sun just like you tried to kiss me when I pulled away. I was able to kill my past and bury it for good. I listened to your friend talk about the love of his life tonight, as he fumbled for the alcohol in his hands. He said her name like poetry and described her like a lyric and serenaded her with love from far away. And as I watched him in his mess, I realized that he was right when having someone you care so much for say she loves you back, is best present in the world. Imagine a drought on a land that hasn't been kissed by rains in months... When it finally rains, the ground tries to soak up as much water as it can because it needs it so much it can't help but let it through. Whatever my past was is nothing compared to what I have now. I hope someday, you'll bury it too and blink at the darkness like a cat at the edge of an unlit room without fear.

kp