iwishyoukilledme

[iwishyoukilledme]

I just wish that I had someone who genuinely loved me.

Someone who calls -me- when I'm away, just to say that he misses me.

Someone who buys -me- a little thing when he's at the store because he knows I love it.

Someone who hugs me so tight that he lift me up just because he's so happy I'm home after I've been away.

Someone who loves to spend time with me and talk to me.

Someone who puts his phone down when he's at home so he's truly there.

Someone who doesn't think that all I say is not interesting, lies or exaggerated.

Someone who asks "Do you need me to give advice or just listen?"

Someone who actually knows the names of my few friends.

Someone who actually cares enough about me to actually look up what my diagnoses is.

Someone who actually, really loved me.

[iwishyoukilledme]

I wake up... And then I wake up again, and again, and again.... It's been years, my son is so beautiful and so fucking perfect...

But I don't want to wake up.

I know I'm still a fucking burden.

"I'll marry you, ASAP!" NO, you fucking won't! Because you know that deep inside you don't like me.

You've told me so, so many times. I know all the words... You're not the first one to tell me.

I'm unlovable. I know.

No one will ever love me, truly.

Because no one will ever really care enough for me to care.

The demons never leave. They won't fucking leave me alone!

I'll never ever be me again.

They put that demonic shit inside me and after that I'll never be me again.

They did this to me... They fucking did this.

They ruined me. Forever and ever.

[iwishyoukilledme]

No... It's not better... I just have more shit to keep me occupied. Like, a kid.

Fuck, I really hope that he's not like me. He doesn't deserve it like I do

[iwishyoukilledme]

När man längtar hem. Men hemmet man har är inte -hemma-...

Mitt hemma är borta....

Jag längtar hem 💔

[iwishyoukilledme]

My heart hurts...

...again

[iwishyoukilledme]

It's true. Love is a lie. It always has been and always will. There is no one who really cares about you, not even yourself. No one will ever be truly loved, appreciated and cared for. Don't fall for it, it's all fake. Your own body is poisoning you so you have sex and get a kid or ten. Don't believe the lie, it'll pass like everything else. It's just chemicals.

[iwishyoukilledme]

It's painful to remember

When you see an old picture or remember an old conversation... It brings back memories along with pain.. .and anxiety...

Just a few more hours... I can do this.

[iwishyoukilledme]

I truly hate me..

[iwishyoukilledme]

I hate it...

I hate this page. Mainly because I know that the people I love really need to read it, and I know that they won't love me the same afterwards... They will judge....

I...hate.... Me.....

[iwishyoukilledme]

So... I've started going to therapy

It's a group therapy treatment against self-harm.

I don't like it. We talk about feelings and shit. I do my best not to feel my feelings. I don't want to feel my fucking feelings.

I don't like this pain inside. I'm not used to these feelings anymore.

Fuck, I hope it ends soon..

[iwishyoukilledme]

You basically told me to fuck off but stay put.

And that hurts... it hurts and I can't tell you because you don't want to know.

[iwishyoukilledme]

I don't fucking care anymore. Do whatever the fuck you want man, just stop fucking me over. I've had enough of your shit. If you want to keep fucking now and then, fine. I don't have anyone better to fuck. You don't want me close? Fine, I'm fucking tired of trying. I'm not going to chase you anymore dude. If you stay or leave, it doesn't matter. I'm just tired. I give up.

[iwishyoukilledme]

I'm getting pretty fucking tired of it...

It, unfortunately, was my birthday again September 21st... half the family didn't remember (and I fucking live in the same apartment as them) and nobody wants to celebrate it.

My sisters birthday is the 25th. Tomorrow we'll celebrate hers.

Next year she turns 40. They're already planning ahead.

I'm 30 next year. Nobody is fucking planning shit...

I hate my fucking family.

I hate my former (now non existing) fucking friends.

Not "dislike", not "am really angry at" - hate.

This has been going on year after year after year.

I'm realy fucking tired of being forgotten.

I really, truly, with my whole heart and all I know, wish that I would have died this spring.

[iwishyoukilledme]

February 28th, a few days before this years attempt number 2...

Har du?

Har du någonsin haft känslan av att det är dags att försvinna?

Känslan av tomhet, ensamhet och att vara helt övergiven av de du borde haft som stöd i allt är överväldigande. Det gör så ont.

Det är sen länge tid för mig. Jag för ingenting gott med mig. Jag förstör allt jag rör vid och krossar allt som är bra. Jag gör alla illa. Jag vill så väl, jag vill att alla ska vara glada och må bra. Men jag förstör det. De gör rätt i att hålla sig undan mig.

Jag vill bara att det ska ta slut. Min själ är borta. Mitt hjärta är krossat. Jag vet inte vem jag är. Ingenting kvar. Tomt. Bara smärta och ett fint skal.

Snälla, snälla låt det ta slut

[iwishyoukilledme]

After my first attempt this year, February 6th...

What did I do wrong?

What was it I did wrong? Why did it not work? Why must I still be here, there is no fucking reason for me to be here. I make no difference I don’t make people happy I’m not good at anything useful I don’t have a goal I don’t have dreams to fulfill I am a burden I just want to leave. I really, really want to leave.

Why did it not work? What’s the fucking point?

[iwishyoukilledme]

March 2nd of this year I posted this picture. I had cried alone for almost a week straight and a friend got me out for coffee. I pulled myself of the floor, put on makeup, did my hair and I wore my new, beautiful rabbit fur vest. Coffee turned into dinner which turned into beer. We had fun. I genuinely laughed and enjoyed myself, because I had my plan to end it that night. I failed. I vomited and passed out.

The next day I got help to go to the hospital and the 24/7 mental care department and I stayed there for a while.

I don’t like this picture because I see myself fail. Again and again and again. I hate it but I can’t delete it.

People say that they are happy that I failed, but I know that they lie. If they really cared they’d talk to me. Not ignore me.

I’m not happy that I failed. Not at all. I wish I could do it again and do it right.

I’m alone and scared and I don’t want this anymore. I want out. I don’t wanna play no more.

Life for me is like one of the scariest roller coasters. It stopped being fun long ago and now I just want to get out. But someone else is controlling it and I can’t stop it. I can only hold on and wait for it to slow down enough so I can jump of.

[iwishyoukilledme]

I'm scared...

I'm so fucking scared and nobody helps me. I tell my mum that I'm scared and how I feel, she says "Jaha..." and moves on. I freak out and gets a panic attack, she says "Time for bed. G'night!" I ask her, Why the fuck won't you listen to me?! I'm scared and I feel so fucking alone! Why won't you help me??!! She says, "tell me how" ... Tell me how. That's a really fucked up thing to say. If I knew how, don't you think that I'd fucking do it myself?! If I fucking knew how, don't you think that I'd tell you?! IF I FUCKING KNEW HOW I COULD MAKE THIS PAIN STOP, DON'T YOU FUCKING THINK THAT I WOULD'NT BE THIS FUCKING SCARED?!?!!?! DO YOU SERIOUSLY THING THAT I DO THIS JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!! So, I don't talk to her about that anymore. She doesn't need to know. She don't want to know. I wish I could kill myself. But I can't. I don't have the possibility. Or pills.