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iwasranoverbythehogwartsexp-blog · 6 years

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Ok but literally, everyone is just living the same fucking life. We all have shitty childhoods that fuck us up to varying degrees. School teaches us nothing real. We’re all just trained to be corporate monkeys, hating every second of an adult life we aren’t prepared for. We make money for dirty capitalists who are wasting their lives just as much as we are. We need to do things that simply don’t matter. No matter the context, we can’t live a life that we fully enjoy. Joy isn’t reality. A select few are chosen by the stars to become famous. This is just another curse; another illusion of happiness. We all repress something. We spend our lives just waiting for everything to go to shit again and again. Entropy is inescapable in every aspect of our lives; everything you’ve worked for will either crumble or be given up on. The one true, real thing we can experience is human connection and contact. Yet, all relationships end, all partners die. The time we can spend with others is wasted. No one communicates these truths, let alone accepts them.

I’m all alone with billions of fantastic people on this beautiful planet in a cold, brilliant space. I will never understand it. My lifespan is too short to permit any true understanding. What a cruel joke. Any god that exists is a true enemy. How could an all-powerful deity create creatures that want nothing but to hopelessly understand themselves?

So many life styles are looked down upon. People spend their chaotic existences judging how others spend theirs. Does no one realize we all want the same damn thing? There are exceptions, there always are. Some just want to hate. Some need to hate. It’s a coping mechanism to lock away dark traumas. We all experience so much pain. Some are burdened with more than others, but pain isn’t measurable. You can never tell someone that they could have it worse. Pain is pain. Some are so hurt they can’t accept anything other than it.

I’m merely fucking child and I already am petrified. I refuse lose to death, but his game is one you cannot win. I can’t end! I have nothing except this depressing existence filled with so many emotions, why must even this be stripped of me someday?

Old people make me cry. They are so close to the end. They know it. But they don’t care, they have accepted their identical fates. Will I ever comprehend this? In the end, will the repetition take me as well? I do not want to become a shell a person; a sack of memories awaiting burial. Every person before me has reached this stage, however. It is humanity’s utter fate. No matter how much we run from it and try to break free, we’re still just repeating each others terror. We are all the same in birth and then once again in death.

And then we have the gays. Why me???? I was raised to be against those who dared challenge God’s Word. It’s been many years since I believed such a thing, but the cuts have never healed. They are fresh. I am accepted, I am loved. But am I? I was not accepted when I was 12; I will never feel accepted. My only fear greater than death is being left alone with my thoughts. No matter how much I push forward and attempt moving on, I am a slave to the past. I think about how I have been hurt, when I have hurt others. It tears me apart. I’ll be fine for weeks on end, but then I take too long of a shower and my thoughts descend. Everything is my fault, everything is my parents’ fault, everything is no one’s fault; it’s just how the world works.

I do my best, but my best is doing absolutely nothing. Ignoring deadlines, homework, eating, sleeping. I care. I care deeply, but my actions say otherwise. I have no motivation. Is it because I know its pointless? Am I afraid of failure? Am I just a lazy good-for-nothing?

Will vague-posting on tumblr for no one but myself make my problems go away? Will it make me feel better about them?

I find myself so handsome. I have panic attacks about my hair. I hate how I dress, how I carry myself; more wasted potential. I just want a boyfriend but I have never had feelings for the boys that cared for me. I’m a shallow piece of shit. I have no one so I watch porn daily. I grow feelings for the fake people in videos, I discover new fetishes, I make myself more sad.

My body could just stop working and I’d be completely fucked. I’m always in pain in weird places; I’m such a hypochondriac.

Adios

#literallyMeVenting ChooChooMotherfuckers Its2amOnASchoolNight amIEdgyYet?

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