iwasntbornforthisworld

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

Lifting iron can build muscle as well as character and confidence. It’s not always about muscle growth. Somethings it’s just about growth mentally and spiritually.

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

Update: my dog and the gym saved me. I found out my fiancé was cheating on me. We worked through it and got married. We are in a good place. Still alot of work to do, but my priority is my health. Me loving myself.

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

[iwasntbornforthisworld]

Today I felt like killing myself. The saddest part is I have a family, a fiance, a dog, friends, a good career, and a supportive team of coworkers. But yet I still felt like killing myself. Like I didn't matter. Because in reality, yeah, my mom would cry and maybe just maybe my dad or fiance would shed a tear, but they'd get over it. My significance in this world, my stamp if you will on this life of mine, is about 0000.01%. I don't really matter. And the reality of that had taken its toll. When I talk in a group, I get talked over. People change the subject, move on. They don't care to hear me talk. I can't command a room. My presence isn't significant. My ex husband just let me walk away, no fight at all. And my fiancé would just sleep with one of the girls he keeps around on Snapchat. The rest of the world would say oh so sad she was so beautiful we never saw this coming blah blah blah and they would make me sound so wonderful and yet they all wouldn't give me the time of day when I'm alive. We are all busy, trying to figure out this life we now live in but it's so fucked up for us peope who truly are depressed, suffering. And the world just tells us to pick up our feet and drive forward. It makes us crumble inside. Want to give up even more. You scream for help, cry every night and yet no one can help you because life has become too distracting, demanding, and now it's up to you and only you to keep yourself alive. It makes me resentful. It makes me want to cut off the world. If I truly am to just work on myself then so be it, I'll disappear. And I'll come back strong and healthy, but at what cost? I'll be selfish, cold, detached, and not as empathic as I was before. But will it keep me alive? Whays more important? Morphing into the people I hate to stay alive?

To top it all off, I'm fat. I'm bloated, obese, disgusting. I'm breaking out. My skin is discolored. I'm tired with bags under my eyes. My hygiene sucks. My mood swings are awful. My overall health is shit. I can't save money to save my life since I think the minor things I keep buying will save me. Whatever Tik Tok suggests I buy. Social media is depressing. How do I build a life list them where I'm at mentally? Comparison is a bitch. It really is. It sucks the life out of you...literally. I can't sleep. My anxiety is through the roof. I constantly think my fiancé is cheating on me and I'm just an idiot who hasn't caught him yet. And yet he gives me no reason to actually believe that. My family is busy with their hobbies or jobs. I guess I'm busy with my job too. But my life is unfulfilled. Almost pointless really. Idk how people do it. The getting up at 4 am, working out, eating healthy, getting your water in, getting your vitamins in, working, walking you dog, having date nights, hanging out swith friends, traveling, going to events, getting 8 hours of sleep, shopping, running errands, self care. How? Oh and also maintaining your overall physuc3ka health like *cough* regular and constant bowel movements so you don't look 6 months pregnant on top of everything else that is awful with my life.

God, shoot me.