iwasaneagle

[iwasaneagle]

I let my shameful moments define me. It has been there, constant, beneath my shroud of complacency

I beat away the impending erosion, whirling through my mind until it is swollen

But nothing has rotted, it remains the same

Through regeneration like God’s own creation

Bear down on me until I surrender and sit in its wake unmoving and tender

[iwasaneagle]

i haven’t used this blog in years. this may not make sense i don’t really want to re-read. it’s just a stream of consciousness. i am fucked.

I am still hurt. I am still bitter. I was left alone at a time when I needed people the most. Something so mediocre, delusive and childish managed to turn my closest friends, people I considered smart, forward-thinking people, into people that no longer wanted to speak to me or be associated with me in order to please someone else. People made up lies. Nobody thought about my feelings. And my silence only made people think I was guilty. Did nobody stop to think that I didn’t retaliate because I couldn’t stand to think about the situation for more than a second, because it made me feel physically sick? Because I hated to think that people spoke about me behind my back? Because I couldn’t process my emotions because everything was shrouded with anxiety?

I thought everyone else was right – why? Because how could something be false if it was continuously validated by other people, by strangers?

I wanted to die. I tried to die. I didn’t die.

I have dragged myself through the past year and I have absolutely no idea how. I’ve been on auto pilot. I can’t remember shit from the past year. I haven’t done anything impressive, I haven’t done anything that would make anyone remotely proud of me. I have just existed.

You know what? I fucked up my A-Levels two years ago because I planned on being dead before I even finished college. I’ve never told anyone that. I’ve never even written that down. Shit.

I don’t want my friends to feel unimportant. I don’t want them to feel like I’m pining for other people. I know you’re there but I feel so fucking lonely; I don’t want people to know what goes on inside my head because it scares the shit out of me.

I’ve been at home for almost four months. I have put on over 14lbs. I have done nothing but eat and write and be a burden to my family. I don’t feel like I can offer anything else to the world so I don’t. I am so fucking lonely and there is no way out of this.

But on the bright side, I’ve lived up to what everyone always knew I would. I exist to make you all feel better about yourselves. You ever feel ugly? Look at Carolann. You ever feel fat? Look at Carolann. You ever feel useless or lonely? Look at Carolann. She’ll make you feel better about all your problems. That’s why people liked her in the first place, right?

Fuck you. Fuck me.

[iwasaneagle]

Ana Kraš

[iwasaneagle]

[iwasaneagle]

"Waking up begins with saying am and now. For the past eight months waking up has actually hurt.The cold realization that I am still here slowly sets in. I was never terribly fond of waking up.

I was never one to jump out of bed and greet the day with a smile like Jim was. I used to want to punch him sometimes in the morning he was so happy. I always used to tell him that only fools greet the day with a smile, that only fools could possibly escape the simple truth that now isn’t simply now: it’s a cold reminder. One day later than yesterday, one year later than last year and that sooner or later it will come. He used to laugh at me and then give me a kiss on the cheek.

It takes time in the morning for me to become George, time to adjust to what is expected of George and how he is to behave. By the time I have dressed and put the final layer of polish on the now slightly stiff but quite perfect George I know fully what part I’m supposed to play. Looking in the mirror staring back at me isn’t so much a face as the expression of a predicament.

“Just get through the goddamn day.”

A bit melodramatic I guess.  But then again my heart has been broken. I feel as If I am sinking, drowning, can’t breathe.

- Colin Firth as George Falconer, A Single Man (screenplay)

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Lakes and Reservoirs, 2012

“Color photographs that are soaked in the specific lake or reservoir water that they represent.”

by Matthew Brandt 

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Jessica Stam shot by Catherine Servel for W Korea February 2011

[iwasaneagle]

Coco Rocha by Sofia Sanchez & Mauro Mongiello, Numero #94 June/July 2008

[iwasaneagle]

Amanda Norgaard for 2nd Day A/W 2011 Campaign