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I want to die. I would do anything for life to return to how it was before. I don't feel like I can handle this for the rest of my life. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've never felt sadder than I do right now.
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I hope it’s not a self filling prohiciey thing I’ve brought opun myself but like 85% of my fears and concerns have turned out to be completely true. I’m going to talk to Lindsey around the 11th (lol) and I’m feeling much more optimistic that I’ll be understood this time. These last two weeks I’ve felt extra suicidal and distant from people. I really miss my old friends and how loved I used to feel.
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I know that I shouldn’t worry to much about how to ultimately fix things and just focus on things that (although they wouldn’t fix my problems) would make them better, I feel very overwhelmed and emotionally distraught feeling very confident that I’m ultimately not going to get to a point where I’m okay.
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I need to remember to not try to fix everything right away. Focus on what I can do right now and make time to think about and plan for future things. Right now I’m going to try to focus on health and learning to draw along with learning to not procrastinate any more.
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I want to die. My face just keeps getting worse and worse and there’s virtually no hope of me coming to terms with it. I wish people believed in a right to have a body you like and not that everyone should just accept what they have. I feel like I have no control over my mind and that I can’t explain it to anyone. I would give anything right now for this to stop.
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Video
Zombieland Saga S2 OP
“Taiga yo Tomo ni Naitekure” by Franchouchou
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I had a very interesting discussion about theater and film the other day. My parents and I were talking about Little Shop of Horrors and, specifically, about the ending of the musical versus the ending of the (1986) movie. In the musical, the story ends with the main characters getting eaten by the plant and everybody dying. The movie was originally going to end the same way, but audience reactions were so negative that they were forced to shoot a happy ending where the plant is destroyed and the main characters survive. Frank Oz, who directed the movie, later said something I think is very interesting:
I learned a lesson: in a stage play, you kill the leads and they come out for a bow — in a movie, they don’t come out for a bow, they’re dead. They’re gone and so the audience lost the people they loved, as opposed to the theater audience where they knew the two people who played Audrey and Seymour were still alive. They loved those people, and they hated us for it.
That’s a real gem of a thought in and of itself, a really interesting consequence of the fact that theater is alive in a way that film isn’t. A stage play always ends with a tangible reminder that it’s all just fiction, just a performance, and this serves to gently return the audience to the real world. Movies don’t have that, which really changes the way you’re affected by the story’s conclusion. Neat!
But here’s what’s really cool: I asked my dad (who is a dramaturge) what he had to say about it, and he pointed out that there is actually an equivalent technique in film: the blooper reel. When a movie plays bloopers while the credits are rolling, it’s accomplishing the exact same thing: it reminds you that the characters are actually just played by actors, who are alive and well and probably having a lot of fun, even if the fictional characters suffered. How cool is that!?
Now I’m really fascinated by the possibility of using bloopers to lessen the impact of a tragic ending in a tragicomedy…
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