itunfortunatelyblikethat

[itunfortunatelyblikethat]

I have to get it off my chest.

I deeply, intensely regret having children. My life is undendingly overwhelming and I've completely lost myself. I just feel no enjoyment in my life anymore. I'm always tired, always grumpy, and constantly having to deal with SOMEONE screaming. The house is disgusting, and the guy I live with makes it even more disgusting. He's a slob and can't even turn lights off behind him. He has a dog which he never bathes that licks furniture that leaves stains, and he smells really bad and makes everything else smell bad, and we'd recently talked about how much I really don't want and could NOT handle another kid, then he went ahead and got a puppy. We discussed that too beforehand and I said no. I couldn't handle more stress. Basically a furry baby that *I* would be spending the majority of the time with since he works more days than me. But he did anyways. That felt shitty and I felt completely disregarded and I had to pretend to be okay with it to anyone who cooed "awwwhhhh she's so cute. How do you like her???" Ugh. If only you knew the circumstances...

I just generally hate my entire life and I long so so soooooo deeply to enjoy it again, but I truly can't see that happening any time soon. It won't. Not for yeeeeaaaars, if ever. I thought maybe it was a lack of purpose in life or something and I started school again just to do something with my life but that is not it. School has just added extra stress.

I wake up every day literally dreading the day. I wake up exhausted no matter how long I sleep. My whole body aches the whole day and I can't enjoy whatever I'm doing, I want to go home when I go out because I'm so tired and achey, there's nothing enjoyable about feeling that way. I go to sleep dreading waking up. Rinse and repeat...

I have a literal phobia of death and I've been having increasing panic attacks about it lately and I think it's because I'm aware that, to me, I am throwing away the time I have alive. Life is short and I feel like I'm completely wasting mine. I feel like I've already died and now I'm slowly floating through life until I finally am laid to rest. I had my kids young back when I was wildly impulsive and I didn't have them on purpose and I can't tell you how much I regret it. I need to say it. The truth of it weighs heavily on my chest.

I want to be hiking mountains, splashing in the lakes and creeks and watching sunsets on hillsides. I want to see the world. Swim in the seas. Laugh, have fun, and explore while I'm young, while I'm still able to enjoy it. I want to wake up to something other than screaming. I want to stretch and get my coffee and sit on the porch and breathe in the fresh morning air in silence and solitude. I want to do something I enjoy during my day. I want to be able to whimsically go out and meet up with friends at the drop of a hat if I want to. I want to get drunk and be able to sleep in the next day if needed. I want to sit on top of a hill until 4am with a friend, having deep talks and not worry about having to get up early the next day. I don't want to constantly clean up after 2 children, a disgusting pig of a guy, and a puppy. I just don't want kids. Don't want this marriage. Don't want this life. I want to run the fuck away. FAR away. I want to restart my life. Sometimes I even want to kill myself to escape. I feel like I am living in my own kind of hell. I am so unhappy. It's not PPD either, my kids are 5 and 3. I already had regular ol' depression but this feels deeper. I feel so trapped and so lonely and so overwhelmed and even with therapy it's not going away. I don't want to live this way

I'm drowning