itsurgirlpublicdiary - Tumblr blog

itsurgirlpublicdiary · 2 years ago

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And it might never be the right time and that’s the hardest part of it.

July 21, 2022

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 3 years ago

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Timeline

Sunday, January 16

Sunday, January 23

Sunday, February 27

Wednesday, March 30

Sunday, April 10

May N/A

June N/A

July moving to Stanford

#sleeplessnights

Friday, July 1, 2022 at 11:17 PM

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 3 years ago

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When water runs dry… again.

The moment you��re feeling sad but you can’t cry. But then as you’re typing you find yourself crying again.

Lately I’ve been thinking... Life wasn’t all that bad when VW and I weren’t on speaking terms. Since he came back into my life I’ve been more confused than ever. Sometimes I feel like we should just go back to being strangers.

I had my first of many Friday’s off today so he suggested we should meet up when he gets off his shift, but he might have to do a double since he volunteered to do OT. He texted me this morning that he’ll be doing OT and suggested we can meet another time. We just ended up texting and he told me today that he’s seeing this new girl more frequently. I joked and said “don't go ditching our friendship again once you really start dating the girl hahaha” but really though, my heart was shattered into a million pieces... again. I quickly changed the topic and asked him to go to K1 speed since I had laps still. Luckily he agreed. Just trying to start up a convo and I sent him a screenshot of his IG profile around 8:30 PM and asked if that was him. He quickly responded yes. I requested him, however he hasn’t responded to my request. It’s now 3:57 AM the next day..

Now here I am. I think I wouldn’t have so much sleepless nights if he didn’t came back into my life.

I think I’ll have to cut ties soon. I’m not sure how much longer can my heart take this. I’m a step closer to just wanting to go back to how it was. Strangers. That option doesn’t sound so bad after all.

Saturday, March 19, 2022 3:59 AM

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 3 years ago

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Saturday, February 5, 2022

Sleepless nights.

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 6 years ago

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Dream or Nightmare?

I had a dream last night and woke up crying on my way to work.

I dreamt that VW was at my party and he asked me to sneak away for a little. We walked to my room and talked. He asked “did you like me in college?” And I was so shock by this and couldn’t answer. Then he goes “remember when I borrowed your laptop, I accidentally opened a saved AIM conversation we had years ago.. why did you save it?” Back in the days when (AIM still existed) I saved convo’s that meant something to me. Then I go, “of course I liked you back in college, who wouldn’t.” We went on about all the incident that occurred during college, and the endless amount of time we hung out. Later his girlfriend came into the room and joined our chat (it’s weird because she doesn’t even like me, but in the dreams we were all friends, odd). Anywho, later she got a page and had to go into work. So VW and I continued talking. And he asked me “why didn’t you express it in the passed?” and I asked him “would it have changed anything, did you like me doing college too?” And he answered “No.” My heart dropped. Although it was only a dream, but my heart dropped. From what I remember in the dream he looked confused, he looked as if he never thought of us, but the thought of us being an “us” wasn’t a bad idea for him.. Later his girlfriend came back into my room and started crying because of work, and he left to comfort her.. And thats how we left off in my dreams. I’m not sure if it was a dream or a nightmare?

I’m a little confused as to why I’m dreaming about him again. I’m at lost this time around, since it’s been soooo long. I am speechless.

Denice Envall once said, “my lips have touched more bottles than lovers and I'm half a shot away from psychotic.” This quote is relevant, I am really close to going insane.

Honestly, I don’t care with other people say. I don’t care if they say I’ll get into a career i love, find someone, start a family.. I don’t care for all that. All I want is for someone who can reach beyond the surface of my numbing heart and discover I am worth to love. All I want is someone who wants me back. Is that too much to ask for?

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 6 years ago

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One of Those Days

On my way to work the song “say it” by voices of theory came on. I couldn’t help, but tied that song to him and thought about all the things I should of said. And all the things I would’ve said...

“you know that I want to say it you know that I need to say it you know that I’d love to say it”

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 6 years ago

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UNCERTAINTY

I haven’t spoken to my best friend, JC, for almost 2 months.

The last time we spoke on the phone he made a comment and said, “if MH knew I was talking to you she would go ape shit.” I was really hurt from that comment so I hung up abruptly. And that was the last of it.

Yesterday, he called and apologized. I felt so relieved that he had called because if he haven’t done so, I’d definitely wouldn't have. I’ve been going through a lot this past 2 months. He’s usually someone I would call and get advice from. It’s different talking to my girlfriends about my boy problems, because girls think differently than guys. It’s always good to get a guys prospective on relationships, trust. So we talked for almost an hour yesterday, but something about the conversation still made me feel unsure about our friendship.

He told me they planned on moving in together during the summer, so where does that leave our friendship? If she already doesn’t like me.. how is he ever going to talk to me? Of course he reassure me that nothing will come between our friendship, and that his girl will eventually have to learn that we are best friends who's been there for each other through thick and thin. I want to give him the benefit of a doubt, but I just can't. With what happened between VW and I.. I don't know. I don't have much hope.

Still, I cant shake this uncertainty. But only time will tell right ?

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 6 years ago

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FIRST CHOICE

Family, friends, significant other. Just once, I want to be somebody else’s first choice.

Lately, I've been feeling like I’m everyone’s “option.” To start off, I’m the oldest of 5 siblings and I find it really hard to connect with them. My younger siblings tend to always pick the sister after me, CN, they hardly come to me. Majority of the time when they do come to me it’s because the sister after me tells them no, so they would come to me after, back to me being second resort.

Friends, somehow I am an option too. My best friend, JC, choosing to not affiliate himself with me because his girlfriend doesn't like it. And of course there is time where he would call to check up, but only to later find out that he needs my advice because he’s in argument with his girlfriend.

Significant other, I am always an option whenever there is another girl that is involved. DM picking P?, DW picking RK, VW picking L?, HT picking JN, and JT picking LL.

I’m always an option. Never a first choice.

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itsurgirlpublicdiary · 6 years ago

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Alone Time VS Loneliness

Often people mistaken ‘alone time’ and ‘loneliness’ as the same thing, rest assure there aren't the same thing.

Every so often, it’s nice to have ‘alone time.’ If you’re having alone time, that doesn't necessary mean it’s to be ‘lonely.’ It simply means you’re mind is at a state of solitude, blocking out all the disturbance caused by the society. It means choosing to maintain that mind stillness. Regardless, it simply means getting out of the brain for the time being to find piece.

Loneliness on the other hand is a feeling, a discomforting feeling. You feel unwanted. You feel unloved. You feel rejected. You feel neglected. Loneliness is something you cannot control, whereas ‘alone time” is an option.

CURRENT MOOD: LONELY.

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