itstrappedqueen-blog

[itstrappedqueen-blog]

Getting things done.. I hope it's not yet too late to start again

Farah

[itstrappedqueen-blog]

Sometimes the puzzle pieces just don't fit.

This article struck me like 1000000000000x times. Ouch! :(

[itstrappedqueen-blog]

Something is wrong with me

I ruined my life because of one guy. I love him so much that until now, for almost two years, I still long for him to come back. I know this is stupid, but I can’t help it. I just can’t move on. For almost two years that I’ve been single, I felt like I am fooling myself that I am okay when I am really not. This is just so unfair. He is now in a happy relationship and I am like standing still on the spot where he left me.

I know there’s got to be more to life. I always wanted to see how beautiful life is but I don’t know how to find it. Even if I tried so hard to forgive and forget, I still can’t find myself any better. Because of our break up, I admit that I lost focus on my studies. I feel so useless and worthless because I should’ve graduated from college a year ago. Now, I am still studying and still depending on my parents. What it really breaks my heart is to see my parents doing everything for me to have a better life and here I am wasting every effort they make. I don’t intend to do that to them, I’ve always wanted to help myself up. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I really want to change and I don’t know where to start –I am completely lost. I want him to be totally erased from my mind. If only I could turn back time.

Maybe there’s only one thing I am proud of myself and that is as I age, I noticed how more mature I become. Looking back when I was younger, I enjoyed life like there was no tomorrow and I never cared whatever they say about me. Now that I am older, I realized that there’s always a time for everything. I also realized that not for the rest of my life my parents will be there to support me. Life is short as they say and that makes me think that I have wasted a lot of precious time. A time supposed to be for my parents to show how much I love them and how thankful I am for giving me their unending support and love.

If only I have chosen a different path, I should’ve been helping my parents raising my younger brother and sister now. If only I made the right choice, I should be holding a degree and making the most of my life now. If only our roads didn’t cross, I am now who I am supposed to be. I don’t blame him for my now-ruined-life. He is just a big factor that affected me so much and I know this will always boil down to me. It is me. That is why I regret every action I made before and why I feel useless and worthless right now.

Honestly, I made this blog so I can express how I feel because I actually do not have friends whom I can talk to about this. I told them everything before and they are so fed up of me because I’ve been telling the same old shit all the time. I know that because I myself am also fed up of myself. I don’t want them to also get stuck like I am and I even promised them that I will not talk about my ex-boyfriend anymore. So I’ve been keeping this inside, all the time. I don’t want them to see me cry, I don’t want them to see me helpless, I don’t want them to see me down. In our group of friendship, I am the one they see as the happiest because I am a very jolly person. Even with my new friends, they love hanging out with me because I make them smile and laugh every time. They didn’t know that I am deeply wounded inside.

On a brighter side, I can say that maybe I made this choice because it’s really destined that I face this kind of problem. There is always a reason for everything, and everything happens for a reason. Maybe this problem I am going through is something that will make a stronger, bolder and a successful individual someday. Maybe this life is given to me because God is preparing me for something in the near future. Maybe…