itsreallyjustme

[itsreallyjustme]

Almost two years in. Last year was a mess. Things have been quite intense lately. I don't quite know what's happening. I'm still very in love with him.

u had to write bc you can't actually believe what's happening

when i see a gap here, i know i just had the best or the worst days of my life.

This time they were amazing

I'm finally talking to someone romantically

I mean, it was perfect.

He did it perfectly.

He is perfect. i think

I have this small problem where i think i'm the main character, so when we first interacted (he seek me out) I said to my friend "if he's doing it with that intention, he is going for the win"

We met like a year ago at an event, he is the friend of a friend, but we didn't start talking until like a month ago. And I've admired his gameplay from the very start:

he searched for mutual interest to strike a fulfilling conversation,

he then arranged for me to be in a group chat about said interest to ensure the continuity of the interaction,

he gave it time before trying to talk to me privately again,

he continued to only talk to me with time lapses in between, so I got used to his presence without it being forced (they were always followups of the group chat's subjects),

he responded an Instagram story about a project I was preparing and seemed really interested in it,

he waited for me to keep the conversation flowing without letting it drop but without forcing it,

he then made the "I've got a perfect sticker" to move to WhatsApp,

and the rest was amazing too.

While we talked, he filled the silence with memes and random reels so we ended up talking every day

Somehow he created a safe comfortable space in which I felt completely at peace and it got me sharing stuff about myself I don't normally do so easily (and to a stranger nonetheless)

By the time he said anything about a date I was at complete ease and felt I could tell him everything. And that was a whole event by itself:

We were talking about how honesty is always the best policy and how we both like to go head first with the truth and have ugly and awkward conversations instead of going with the flow when he said "I wanted to ask you out on a date, but I don't know if that's cool"

now, chances are, im the only one who's going to read this, but I'm going to say it anyway

Normally this is the part when i -very apologetically- say I'm not interested in that and try to maintain the friendship as long as I can until the other person, defeated, ghosts me.

But like i said: i'd been playing with the idea since the very beginning, I absolutely admired the process and how it played out, I felt completely comfortable talking to him and frankly didn't want to stop;

and something very influential: i've been talking myself into a relationship since the beginning of the year, and since we started talking i started picturing a possible relationship with him, so it really wasn't completely out of the blue;

I surprised both of us by saying i wanted that too

he told me that: that he was ready for me to say no

long story short, we discussed it, like all of it. How a date would play out, what we needed to happen before that, how a relationship would work out, and his past.

He told me that was a deal breaker for him, he needed me to know the ugly truths and then decide if I wanted his presence in my life, it was amazing (tho a bit overwhelming)

Now, you know yourself, darling. You know exactly what fears were creeping into your mind at the prospect of dating (I still can't believe it) a 23year-old male.

So you talked about it.

Not all of it, though you clearly said there were more thing you wanted to discuss with him before that first date.

But you discussed your past experiences, your inexperience, your fears and your boundaries, and made clear that while you accepted his and wanted to continue forward now you knew them, you understand if he didn't,

I mean, what could you possibly offer him when physical affection was going to be out of the table for at least a while?

He didn't -want to halt thing that is

He accepted you, messy and problematic as you showed yourself and validated and reassured you about every single issue you presented, showing a kind of support you hadn't dared to hope for.

It was a wholesome morning

You keep those long deep conversations, music recommendations and random musings, with the now new addition of endearments when saying hello and goodbye -it was dreamlike

You started to notice a pattern though -he acted exactly like your main character's romantic interest. Had you unknowingly manifested him?

You didn't care a lot, you were actually happy. You are actually happy. He's making you very happy.

time got in the way, though you were actually glad about it, you knew chances were you wouldn't last past a first date, and didn't want to lose his presence in your life.

You were preparing for it, dreading that given moment when he would kiss you and you would run away.

Spoiler: it didn't happen.

You saw it so much earlier than you had expected, and he had asked you if he could hug you when you did, it was an exciting gathering with your mutual friends (though most of them were only his friends). You didn't get or try to get any alone time, enjoying the company and entertainment the gathering itself provided. Still, he didn't keep his distance either, standing or sitting close to you and letting his hands linger on your shoulders or your back when he could make it look casual. (He also won a chocolate bar in a game and gave you a piece ! i mean, couple-stuff xd)

Contrary to popular belief (the pop being your past self), you were elated at that and didn't feel at all uncomfortable, but content in his ministrations, it was nice to feel cared for, even if you were still dreading the link's inevitable end once you meet alone for the first time.

You thought you had more time, you weren't going to be in the same city for 2 weeks and wouldn't be able to meet for another week after that, and you already knew 600km did wonder for difficult relationships (see: your father-daughter bond)

Life does like to play with your plans though, and his leaving got delayed, which prompted him to ask you out the very next night, again surprising even yourself, you agreed and no more than 30 min later he picked you up (saying he didn't want to miss out on the walking part)

You spent almost 8 hours together.

It was ... ... ... beautiful

You were able to gather the courage and ask him again if he was ok with the fact that you weren't ready to kiss him yet, and his answer would still make you swoon over it if he hadn't made other more swoon-able statements since.

To number some:

"I like interacting with you, and I'm not about to give that up because I can't kiss you"

"I'm so happy just because I can hold your hand"

I want you to know I want to kiss you right now, but I know that would make you uncomfortable, so I'm ok with not doing it, because I want you to be comfortable with me"

and i could go on.

Cold made us leave things at that and i took him home, he doesn't drive and I do and i couldn't on good conscience let him walk home in the freezing cold.

When saying goodbye, he asked me if what had just happened was a date, I think is better with direct speech, so here I go:

"Do you want to count this as a date? cause I know you said there were more things we needed to talk about before you could feel like you could go out with me, and I respect that-"

"I want it to be a date"

"Great," some time passed in which we only smile before he started fussing again, "Do you want to have another one someday?"

i mean, can he be any cuter??!

He left the next morning, and we planned to see each other at the latest on his birthday. We also decided that prior to that we needed to tell our mutual friends about it, so we could hold hands (!) at his party.

He did it the very same morning.

All cute as all that was, it wasn't the best (this have been a couple of very intense days)

After some deliberation and because it was prompted by some of his own confessions, I finally told him I was ace, and his answer (!!!!!!): "I suspected it", was more than I could have hope for. He suspected it and didn't broke things up, he said he was ok with that knowing it could be a permanent thing, he,,,, he tore down all my insecurities with a 12-letter phrase.

I went on explaining myself and how i really didn't know if all that was completely out of the table or not, but that I wasn't keen on rushing myself to find out.

He fucking told me he was fucking OK with that.

That "Everyone has their own time", "I don't want you to feel pressured in any way", "I just wanna walk alongside you", "And, if you want, to hold your hand"

he ended me.

I had already decided, but i confirmed there and then that were he to break my heart, I would never regret giving him a chance, because I never thought I would meet someone that would so openly accept that part of me

I feel so happy and safe right now.

Before everything that happened, i had told my friend that talking to him was like therapy and I stand by that, never had I ever had so many important healthy conversations, and never had I ever been able to talk about so many things as I can with him.

I also made him promise me to tell me when I start bothering him or when he starts feeling annoyed at me, and I promised him to trust that he will instead of pushing him away because I thought he had, which I think it's the healthiest thing ever.

I feel like i'm seeing the world with pink-coloured glasses, but for the first time ever, I'm letting myself do that, and I'm trusting he's not going to make me regret it. I told him already, that he's now got the power to hurt me, and I feel that it shows lots of growth on my part, or at least that -for the first time ever- I'm allowing myself to be happy.

[itsreallyjustme]

I found it.

So. I can't tell anyone irl but I'm fucking frustrated. I used to listen to a specific audio on a specific app to get it done by myself. But I haven't needed it for a couple of months and now I can't find it and I've tried others but they all irk me some way or another and the ones that seem promising hit me with a 'daddy' somewhere in there and I can't w that.

[itsreallyjustme]

We've been dating for more than a year. I'm still as excited and in love w him as that very first day. Things have happened, I'm so very happy

u had to write bc you can't actually believe what's happening

when i see a gap here, i know i just had the best or the worst days of my life.

This time they were amazing

I'm finally talking to someone romantically

I mean, it was perfect.

He did it perfectly.

He is perfect. i think

I have this small problem where i think i'm the main character, so when we first interacted (he seek me out) I said to my friend "if he's doing it with that intention, he is going for the win"

We met like a year ago at an event, he is the friend of a friend, but we didn't start talking until like a month ago. And I've admired his gameplay from the very start:

he searched for mutual interest to strike a fulfilling conversation,

he then arranged for me to be in a group chat about said interest to ensure the continuity of the interaction,

he gave it time before trying to talk to me privately again,

he continued to only talk to me with time lapses in between, so I got used to his presence without it being forced (they were always followups of the group chat's subjects),

he responded an Instagram story about a project I was preparing and seemed really interested in it,

he waited for me to keep the conversation flowing without letting it drop but without forcing it,

he then made the "I've got a perfect sticker" to move to WhatsApp,

and the rest was amazing too.

While we talked, he filled the silence with memes and random reels so we ended up talking every day

Somehow he created a safe comfortable space in which I felt completely at peace and it got me sharing stuff about myself I don't normally do so easily (and to a stranger nonetheless)

By the time he said anything about a date I was at complete ease and felt I could tell him everything. And that was a whole event by itself:

We were talking about how honesty is always the best policy and how we both like to go head first with the truth and have ugly and awkward conversations instead of going with the flow when he said "I wanted to ask you out on a date, but I don't know if that's cool"

now, chances are, im the only one who's going to read this, but I'm going to say it anyway

Normally this is the part when i -very apologetically- say I'm not interested in that and try to maintain the friendship as long as I can until the other person, defeated, ghosts me.

But like i said: i'd been playing with the idea since the very beginning, I absolutely admired the process and how it played out, I felt completely comfortable talking to him and frankly didn't want to stop;

and something very influential: i've been talking myself into a relationship since the beginning of the year, and since we started talking i started picturing a possible relationship with him, so it really wasn't completely out of the blue;

I surprised both of us by saying i wanted that too

he told me that: that he was ready for me to say no

long story short, we discussed it, like all of it. How a date would play out, what we needed to happen before that, how a relationship would work out, and his past.

He told me that was a deal breaker for him, he needed me to know the ugly truths and then decide if I wanted his presence in my life, it was amazing (tho a bit overwhelming)

Now, you know yourself, darling. You know exactly what fears were creeping into your mind at the prospect of dating (I still can't believe it) a 23year-old male.

So you talked about it.

Not all of it, though you clearly said there were more thing you wanted to discuss with him before that first date.

But you discussed your past experiences, your inexperience, your fears and your boundaries, and made clear that while you accepted his and wanted to continue forward now you knew them, you understand if he didn't,

I mean, what could you possibly offer him when physical affection was going to be out of the table for at least a while?

He didn't -want to halt thing that is

He accepted you, messy and problematic as you showed yourself and validated and reassured you about every single issue you presented, showing a kind of support you hadn't dared to hope for.

It was a wholesome morning

You keep those long deep conversations, music recommendations and random musings, with the now new addition of endearments when saying hello and goodbye -it was dreamlike

You started to notice a pattern though -he acted exactly like your main character's romantic interest. Had you unknowingly manifested him?

You didn't care a lot, you were actually happy. You are actually happy. He's making you very happy.

time got in the way, though you were actually glad about it, you knew chances were you wouldn't last past a first date, and didn't want to lose his presence in your life.

You were preparing for it, dreading that given moment when he would kiss you and you would run away.

Spoiler: it didn't happen.

You saw it so much earlier than you had expected, and he had asked you if he could hug you when you did, it was an exciting gathering with your mutual friends (though most of them were only his friends). You didn't get or try to get any alone time, enjoying the company and entertainment the gathering itself provided. Still, he didn't keep his distance either, standing or sitting close to you and letting his hands linger on your shoulders or your back when he could make it look casual. (He also won a chocolate bar in a game and gave you a piece ! i mean, couple-stuff xd)

Contrary to popular belief (the pop being your past self), you were elated at that and didn't feel at all uncomfortable, but content in his ministrations, it was nice to feel cared for, even if you were still dreading the link's inevitable end once you meet alone for the first time.

You thought you had more time, you weren't going to be in the same city for 2 weeks and wouldn't be able to meet for another week after that, and you already knew 600km did wonder for difficult relationships (see: your father-daughter bond)

Life does like to play with your plans though, and his leaving got delayed, which prompted him to ask you out the very next night, again surprising even yourself, you agreed and no more than 30 min later he picked you up (saying he didn't want to miss out on the walking part)

You spent almost 8 hours together.

It was ... ... ... beautiful

You were able to gather the courage and ask him again if he was ok with the fact that you weren't ready to kiss him yet, and his answer would still make you swoon over it if he hadn't made other more swoon-able statements since.

To number some:

"I like interacting with you, and I'm not about to give that up because I can't kiss you"

"I'm so happy just because I can hold your hand"

I want you to know I want to kiss you right now, but I know that would make you uncomfortable, so I'm ok with not doing it, because I want you to be comfortable with me"

and i could go on.

Cold made us leave things at that and i took him home, he doesn't drive and I do and i couldn't on good conscience let him walk home in the freezing cold.

When saying goodbye, he asked me if what had just happened was a date, I think is better with direct speech, so here I go:

"Do you want to count this as a date? cause I know you said there were more things we needed to talk about before you could feel like you could go out with me, and I respect that-"

"I want it to be a date"

"Great," some time passed in which we only smile before he started fussing again, "Do you want to have another one someday?"

i mean, can he be any cuter??!

He left the next morning, and we planned to see each other at the latest on his birthday. We also decided that prior to that we needed to tell our mutual friends about it, so we could hold hands (!) at his party.

He did it the very same morning.

All cute as all that was, it wasn't the best (this have been a couple of very intense days)

After some deliberation and because it was prompted by some of his own confessions, I finally told him I was ace, and his answer (!!!!!!): "I suspected it", was more than I could have hope for. He suspected it and didn't broke things up, he said he was ok with that knowing it could be a permanent thing, he,,,, he tore down all my insecurities with a 12-letter phrase.

I went on explaining myself and how i really didn't know if all that was completely out of the table or not, but that I wasn't keen on rushing myself to find out.

He fucking told me he was fucking OK with that.

That "Everyone has their own time", "I don't want you to feel pressured in any way", "I just wanna walk alongside you", "And, if you want, to hold your hand"

he ended me.

I had already decided, but i confirmed there and then that were he to break my heart, I would never regret giving him a chance, because I never thought I would meet someone that would so openly accept that part of me

I feel so happy and safe right now.

Before everything that happened, i had told my friend that talking to him was like therapy and I stand by that, never had I ever had so many important healthy conversations, and never had I ever been able to talk about so many things as I can with him.

I also made him promise me to tell me when I start bothering him or when he starts feeling annoyed at me, and I promised him to trust that he will instead of pushing him away because I thought he had, which I think it's the healthiest thing ever.

I feel like i'm seeing the world with pink-coloured glasses, but for the first time ever, I'm letting myself do that, and I'm trusting he's not going to make me regret it. I told him already, that he's now got the power to hurt me, and I feel that it shows lots of growth on my part, or at least that -for the first time ever- I'm allowing myself to be happy.

[itsreallyjustme]

if he founds this acc im gonna -

[itsreallyjustme]

I love people who teach me something new. Expand my mind. Talk to me about the universe. Share your dreams with me. Take me on a mental trip.

[itsreallyjustme]

So. I can't tell anyone irl but I'm fucking frustrated. I used to listen to a specific audio on a specific app to get it done by myself. But I haven't needed it for a couple of months and now I can't find it and I've tried others but they all irk me some way or another and the ones that seem promising hit me with a 'daddy' somewhere in there and I can't w that.

[itsreallyjustme]

i just learn this term and OMG THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL MOST OF THE TIME AND IVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO PUT IT INTO WORDS FUCK

me: ok how am i feeling. i'm going to look into my brain and figure out how i'm fe--

alexithymia brain: static

me: what?

alexithymia brain: you feel the way radio static sounds

me: well that's extremely fucking unhelpful

alexithymia brain: it's the best i can give you

[itsreallyjustme]

Be careful what you ask for dad,

Happy ace week!

[itsreallyjustme]

yall ever wanted to hug a boy so bad that you just *hugs air*

[itsreallyjustme]

Mis nuevos 10 mandamientos

No podes ser perfecta siempre y en todo, tenes que mandarte algunas cagadas.

s

Que estas esperando? Terminar ____? mira que no va por ahí.

s

s

s

s

s

s

s

lista en proceso de creación, solo una pequeña listita de cosas a seguir que reemplace la que considero obsoleta

[itsreallyjustme]

Hi there!

You may be wondering why i'm writing this. You may be wonderling why i'm writing this at 2am on a saturday night, not a drop of alcohol in my blood. You may be wondering if this is really going to be in letter-format. And if you are me (honestly, who else would read this tho), you may be thinking "shit, here we go again". But don't worry, it's a new subject this time, a more "age-appropiate" now.

Let's start then.

I'm not really sure myself why I'm writing this, it certainly hadn't been planned, nor do I know for sure where this is going, but a lot of things have been happening lately and I'm about to combust unless I tell someone about it. (Hi, someone!)

I've been kissing him. We've been kissing. Passionately, for the past few weeks. I've been staying over at his house at least once a week in that period and discovered the wonders of cuddling on a cold night.

I've also discovered how colder your bed feels afterwards.

I must admit I've avoided thinking about the situation logically. Because if I do, I'll go back to the "I shouldn't".

But let's start from the beginning.

When we started this whole ordeal I told him I wanted to go slow -very slow-, and since then and after some conversations (one of which the one I told him of my asexuality) I told him I wasn't ok with kissing.

Time went by (not rly) and we were cuddling in bed watching a bad movie on his phone. He was kissing my face affectionately and a thought struck me, "I could very easily move my head and start kissing him". I ended up doing it, and after a bit of hesitation on his part, a full-on heated make-out sesh was in session.

When we settled he asked me how I was, and with uncertainty in his voice wondered, urgh, direct speech is better:

"So," he started after a while, my head still on his shoulder, his eyes facing up, "I'm going to ask you something because it's something we gotta discuss and I don't know if you are going to gather the strength to start that particular conversation. You told me you weren't ok with kissing. So I wanna know how are you? are you comfortable? should I walk you to the bus stop? Do you wanna stop? Did I mess it up?"

I told him I was ok and comfortable and that I didn't want to leave and that was that. We kissed again a lot that night, and ever since.

In the same breath I told him that even though I was feeling comfortable with what was happening, it wouldn't go further than that, probably never. And he told me he knew that. (No, it's not that kind of story, no TW here)

In another occasion he asked me what was going on in my mind when I decided I actually wanted to kiss him, or what made me change my mind. At that moment, I couldn't explain it. But yesterday I could.

Thing is, I needed to give him a little background for it to make sense, cause the short answer is that i did it because i wanted to, but it's more than that.

For a few days prior to that first kiss, i've been saying that i was no longer thinking, and people couldn't believe me (as someone who overthinks everything)

In this occasion, it was true. And it started because of a number of things that I should also write so time and my bad memory won't ally to erase it.

But anyhow, related to this topic, i just remember having the fleeting thought of "I want to kiss him" during the day, and when night fell, and i found myself thinking about related and unrelated things i brought it forth.

"Why did you say you want it? You don't want to kiss him."

"Why don't you want to kiss him?"

"Because you shouldn't"

"Yeah, fuck that"

I'll elaborate.

Growing up, i followed a specific set of rules that I like to call: ALRE's 10 commandments (ALRE being my father's initials)

The first one goes something like: "It's not about what you want or you don't want to do, but about what you can/can't do, and what you must/mustn't do"

Needless to say (or maybe not), most of these commandments are things that i'm now realising are hurting me more than what they help, so I'm trying to unlearn them.

When I found myself making a totally heart-related decision based on what I should do (and that's what people expect me to do) and not what i want to do, i stopped myself and wonder: "would i like to kiss him?" I decided to let myself sleep on it.

That week prior to our encounter, I met and talked with a few friends. One told me we should just make out and be over it, the other told me if I felt safe with him, and trusted he would not take advantage of me, I should let myself explore new things and get new experiences. All under the premise, and maybe because of it, that we are just friends because that's the only logical outcome of our situation that doesn't involve pain on my part (more on that topic in another post)

So when the time came, my mind just went, "it would be really easy to do it, would he want to? I guess so. Do I want to? Maybe. Should I? Idk. Why not? Idk. Ok, let's try to kiss him now he's kissing the corner of my mouth. Ok, I did it, he stopped moving. Ok there it is again, let's match his rhythm. Ok, he's moving inwards to my mouth. Ok, that was his lip. he stopped. Oh, no he didn't. Ok, we're kissing now. Ok, that's his tongue. Ok, let's match his energy and see what happens. Ok, let go, but don't move, let's not give him other ideas, also be ready to move quickly if you are uncomfortable, he's bigger than you but you can easily escape if you slide a bit to the right and push him upwards with your hands and arms. Omg, he gasped. He actually gasped. Omg, his hands are on your back, are we still comfortable? yes. ok. This actually feels nice I can see what the fuss was about. So apparently it was just that particular kiss that was awful and not the general experience. Oh ok, we stopped. But our lips are millimetres apart, I'm breathing in his breath, this is actually hot (kinda iykwim). Omg, breathing like this is amazing. I feel so in sync, wut?. Omg, we're kissing again, it's faster this time, huh. His hands are still in a safe zone, no need to push him off yet. I don't think i'm being too provocative, am I? I'm not really moving under my neck and my hands are exclusively touching his head and neck. No, I think I'm ok. Ok, back to breathing together, I could get used to that. Omg, he called me beautiful immadie. Oh, these are the little after pecks everyone is so obsessed about (and now I can see why). wtf it was amazing. I expected it to be worse. Omg, dumbass, open ur eyes or you're going to look like a 13yo that's never been kissed before (don't lie to yourself, you are one at heart) Omg he looks so cute,"

In the name of being brutally honest and descriptive. Once we talked about how it wouldn't go further (thus ridding me of that possible guilt if he got other ideas -cause he knew), I started really matching his energy. And I've got three memories to share

memnum1: Me on top of him, I retract and tell him "te estas sacando las ganas, no? (roughly that means something like: you waited so long for this moment, you are making it last/you are taking everything it has to offer excitedly, maybe in case it won't happen again)", and he told me: "can you blame me?" i couldn't say anything but "not really"

memnum2: "I really wanted to kiss you," he said

"I really wanted to kiss you too," I answered

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but I couldn't before"

memnum3: "I'm really surprised by you, I wasn't expecting you to be like this (eager) given that you told me you didn't want to do it"

and a plus one: "you know when was that I wanted to kiss you the most? when you were wearing that red lipstick, i just wanted to grab your face and" start pecking all over the place, which surprised me, tbh, I was after such revelation I would have expected a deep kiss, but it felt cuter that way.

-

no more on that note. It was an amazing time, mainly because we alternated between kissing, having important conversations and just laughing and talking about little stupid things, so it was fun, safe, comfortable and carefree, all of which allowed me to look forward to the next encounter.

Now that I mention it. After the first kiss, we were just there breathing, the film forgotten and paused after the phone fell to the bed and lock itself, just lying there in silence, when I -being me- said, "I don't want to ruin the mood, but I really want to see how the film ends," and he laughed and said he was thinking the same thing.

-

I've already decided then that I was going to use him take advantage of this opportunity to gain experience in a field I've never really wanted to allowed myself (felt safe allowing myself) to experiment in.

I think that after that, and one conversation in which I learnt quite a bunch of things that made me realise (huh, I could write what I wanted here because it sounded wrong, let's move on)

-

Things started progressing after that. I saw him again in a public setting and he asked me if I was ok with PDA at which I said I didn't know

ok, i'll finish this at a later date.

[itsreallyjustme]

Vivo mi vida en las redes sociales. Es la mejor manera que encontré para contar y no contar nada sobre mi vida. Comparto de más para que crean que lo saben todo y entonces lo importante, eso que en verdad pasa, ni lo imaginan.

Hoy me encuentro donde muchas otras veces ya me encontré. Momentos pasados entre lágrimas amargas y baldosas frías, al compás de una canilla goteante. Estoy sentada donde ya me había sentado, haciendo lo que ya habia hecho, pero sintiéndome peor de lo que nunca me había sentido.

Porque aunque el escenario era conocido, el contexto era diferente. Antes, cuando acaba la escena todo volvía a la normalidad, y ahora tengo un contrarreloj que hace tic tac tic tac.

Tic tac tic tac tic tac, nunca va a terminar. En dos horas me voy y no puedo parar de llorar.

Debería estar disfrutando con mi familia, porque sé que irme me va a lastimar, pero al mismo tiempo solo quiero escapar.

Quiero salir de acá.

Quiero twittear algo, lo que sea, cualquier cosa, porque quizás después me llegue un like y me haga sentir mejor. Quiero subir una historia, de lo que sea, porque dsp puedo ver quién la vio. Quiero mandar un snap, solo a ellos tres, pero quizás me respondan. Como me pueden responder la historia o el tweet. Y no quiero hablar, no quiero pensar, no quiero escribir.

Solo quiero llorar y dormir, por siempre dormir

16/05/2022

[itsreallyjustme]

si me lo pongo a pensar tiene sentido. Ella lo pasaba mal porque el padre la presionaba para hacer las cosas perfectamente, y yo la pasaba mal porque necesitaba hacer las cosas perfectamente. el resto disfrutaba los toques

[itsreallyjustme]

and what are we now?

a pair of friends, who hug more than ten times a day; two individuals in love, restricted by moral chords; all-night conversations, that I should not have memorised; moments spent together, that means more to me than life; a message carefully crafted, I can't seem to send; and a conversation yet to have, that I won't ever bring up myself to start.

[itsreallyjustme]

a perfectly-crafted text, i can't bring myself to send

[itsreallyjustme]

me dice preciosa

me dice preciosa, hace no demasiado tiempo nunca hubiera pensado que una persona me pudiera a decir preciosa, mucho menos sentirlo,

ahora sí creo que soy preciosa, o al menos bonita, o linda; pero él me dice preciosa, nunca antes me habían dicho preciosa, y eso me parece marravilloso

todavía no sé si le creo ¿el cree que soy preciosa? puede que nunca vaya a saberlo

pero me dice preciosa

[itsreallyjustme]

"what0s happening?" i wish i knew but i dont. i feel like crying, or screaming, or jumping up and down. Or maybe falling asleep. I want someone to hug me tight, I wanna breathe. I feel so loaded, I just wanna dream, just because maybe then I would feel ok.

I'm leaving tomorrow, wait- it' already today.

I'm leaving in a few hours, but i only want to stay.

Studying abroad it's difficult, but not being away. It's the leaving that hunts me, and makes me want to stay

I came back for some weeks, and i needed it so fvcking bad, I'm leaving in a few hour, I only want to cry.

maybe then i'll release pent-up tension, and feel a little better. You get used to your people and then leave them without blinking,

I just got used to the normalcy, the being able to go to the store and buy something to eat at night, and long conversations with my sister, that I treasure above all.

I'll also miss my mama, even tho we only fight, and most of all my cat, who doesn't know its not her fault.

And what to say of my father, with whom I never got on well.

600km did wonders for us, but i miss him nonetheless

I'm coming back in 4 weeks, it's not so much of a goodbye,

but every cold night i'll miss them, and that's why I wanna cry