itsmejhayarr

[itsmejhayarr]

Every now and then, I look at the stars.

Trying to find a shooting star 💫

And the only thing I’d ever wish upon it

Is just to hold your hand once again 🥲

Because holding your hand is an art

The 10-star hotel of my heart

[itsmejhayarr]

I think, I lost the sense of my own feeling

Is it devastating or awe inspiring?

I’m still not sure if it’s amazing

But I can endlessly do everything

Be it work or a mere walking

Be it climbing, jumping or coding

Choosing to do just everything

Is it just a mechanism of coping

A distraction to not feel something

[itsmejhayarr]

Love is such an amazing thing. No matter what the mood is, be it inspiring or devastating, they both bring out the best in me.

And even though these are exactly two different feelings, I can both use these feelings to my advantage.

Though when would this feelings last? For one might eventually run out. Either these feelings that drives me or the me that was driven by this feelings.

[itsmejhayarr]

Up to these days I still look at the night sky

And I still ask a lot of never ending what and why

The answers won't be there no how hard I try

Ah how I wish all these thoughts would just fly

[itsmejhayarr]

There are still nights where I still can’t sleep after pushing myself beyond my limits. When all that’s left is to sleep, the tears still found its way.

[itsmejhayarr]

This picture says a lot, about how I'm so tired, I wish I could still talk to her like before, I miss how she always finds the right words to cheer me up.

[itsmejhayarr]

This blog has been long overdue but I would like to write it anyway. This is my only time to process my feelings about this matter. Days, weeks and months have passed but I've never had the chance to sort out my thoughts or even mourn about losing the greatest love of my life. Maybe for some, the "the greatest love" would be an exaggeration because this person and I were never really a couple. Some may argue, that I've never lost that person because there was never a "we" and it was just me and her.

Now that I have a breathing space

I still don't understand why all the good days ended that way. When all I've wanted that one time is to be with the person dearest to me. Everything shattered in dominoes, and piece by piece, I felt that everything was falling apart. The feelings I felt that one time still resonates, when she told me that I don't need her and I just wanted to be with her, I wanted to defend myself and argue that time but it felt like no words could get through her.

The need for someone special to you to be with you on times like everything around you is falling apart. I know that feeling but, I know the feelings are not mutual. I can never explain those feelings to someone who's not in the same state as mine. She's not at fault, I think the expectation dragged her away from.

[itsmejhayarr]

There are times when the world is so freaking noisy

I hear a bang as my world crashes on the beat of a melody

Hiding in the darkness while writing this sob story

I can feel the beat of my heart drenched in agony

Sometimes I love this feeling of pain I feel inside of me

Cause it's the only genuine feeling thing I have with me

For the joy and the laughter most people see

Is just a facade that screams "someone please save me"

[itsmejhayarr]

Acknowledge

Accept

Address

[itsmejhayarr]

Don’t control it, roll with it. What flows, flows, what crashes crashes, it is what it is.

[itsmejhayarr]

Rude Questions

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately since someone special to me kinda pointed out that she doesn't want me asking about the details of her day so much. You see this girl, I've been trying to win this girl's heart for over a year now.

It all started when I was at her house and she went home around 2:00 AM in the morning and I asked her where she got the "box" that is in her hand. She answered that it is from a friend and she went straight to her bed after I asked.

All sorts of thoughts came into my mind just because of that. Like who is she with during that time of the day that she even received a gift? The most logical explanation to me that time was maybe she had dinner with a suitor who gave her that gift. It's not wrong in her part since I'm also just a suitor but the pain I feel that time is real and I don't feel good. I've tried to convince myself that maybe it's just a friend and I'd calm down for a bit but my mind keeps racing the question over and over again so I decided to message her about it.

"Hey, may I ask who are you with last night? It's okay if you don't want to answer but I need you to know that I'm really overthinking about it." All that is in my mind during that time is I want answers and maybe she'd help me end the pain I'm feeling at that time. But I didn't receive a proper message and I think she got annoyed by the series of questions that came after that.

I've been thinking about my actions since then. Was it really wrong? The way I reacted and asked that questions directly to her? Was it rude because I'm just a suitor?

Along the way, thinking and pondering about it for a long time. I realized that I'm looking at everything from my perspective. It's wrong to think that she's acting that way because I'm just a suitor. Looking at things from a different perspective. She has her own point of views and she might have felt that I am doubting her. Yes, maybe we don't have a relationship but at that time I'm making her feel that she is "wrong" and she makes me "overthink'. It's like I'm trying to "guilt" trip her to get some answers to my questions and it was really selfish of me. It took me some time to figure out those things and I realized that I'm so focused on my feelings all the time.

The lesson is simple, before asking any question. I need to consider what the other person would feel. To me, I might be asking a simple question but to the other person it might sound offending.

And that's my realization for the day.

[itsmejhayarr]

You can't always control your first thought but you can always control the second one.

[itsmejhayarr]

"Trust the process."

~ Tita Maceh

[itsmejhayarr]

"Weakness is not something to brag about"

~ Solo Leveling

[itsmejhayarr]

"Take the time you need to process things bago magbitaw ng salita, magdecide ng gagawin at magfeed sa sarili ng negative thoughts."

~ Joyce

[itsmejhayarr]

“Focus on what to do and not how you feel."

~ Amy Morin

[itsmejhayarr]

“Unahin mo self mo, pahinga ka muna”

~ CZ