itsjustmya

[itsjustmya]

he who does not he edoes not he who does not

[itsjustmya]

this is cringe

11/14/21

I can not tell you how many times I have listened to that song today. I never listen to it, so what made me suddenly start? Maybe the situation I'm in, I don't even know anymore. Today I went to Grand Island with my family as a nice outing. In my quick picks on youtube music, this song I am familiar with yet not something I listen to was on there. I guess I have a connection to it in some way, but It's not something I would casually decide to listen to. it's not a bad song, please understand. It's a beautiful song with a nice meaning behind it.

I went to a Japanese restaurant today. The food was horrid, but something happened to me that never happened to me before. I felt strange in my body. I kept twitching, like the ones you get when you're cold. Mine was constant though, and I didn't understand. My mom and my sister decided to switch plates to eat the other's food and while they were switching plates, time went so slow and I could hear every noise that was being made. I felt so fucking weird and it was just too much. After that though I felt fine and it never happened to me again. Why?

I've been so exhausted and stress for the past weeks and it finally took a toll on me. I broke down and I didn't go to school last Friday. I felt so sick and so out of it that I couldn't bare to be in public. I did pick up some fast food and while I went through the drive through, the lady handing me my food said, "You skipping school?", I replied with, "I wish". She laughed and thought I was just messing around, but I was just telling the truth. I wish it were as simple as a teenager who just doesn't feel like going to school, not because they feel horrible mentally and physically, but because they are bored. I wish it were.

It's Sunday. Tomorrow I face the day and the dreadful school I never want to enter. I don't even feel horribly depressed I guess. I don't know what the feeling is exactly, but it's not depression.

I don't know

I want to be okay

and I know I will be

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

[itsjustmya]

11/14/21

I can not tell you how many times I have listened to that song today. I never listen to it, so what made me suddenly start? Maybe the situation I'm in, I don't even know anymore. Today I went to Grand Island with my family as a nice outing. In my quick picks on youtube music, this song I am familiar with yet not something I listen to was on there. I guess I have a connection to it in some way, but It's not something I would casually decide to listen to. it's not a bad song, please understand. It's a beautiful song with a nice meaning behind it.

I went to a Japanese restaurant today. The food was horrid, but something happened to me that never happened to me before. I felt strange in my body. I kept twitching, like the ones you get when you're cold. Mine was constant though, and I didn't understand. My mom and my sister decided to switch plates to eat the other's food and while they were switching plates, time went so slow and I could hear every noise that was being made. I felt so fucking weird and it was just too much. After that though I felt fine and it never happened to me again. Why?

I've been so exhausted and stress for the past weeks and it finally took a toll on me. I broke down and I didn't go to school last Friday. I felt so sick and so out of it that I couldn't bare to be in public. I did pick up some fast food and while I went through the drive through, the lady handing me my food said, "You skipping school?", I replied with, "I wish". She laughed and thought I was just messing around, but I was just telling the truth. I wish it were as simple as a teenager who just doesn't feel like going to school, not because they feel horrible mentally and physically, but because they are bored. I wish it were.

It's Sunday. Tomorrow I face the day and the dreadful school I never want to enter. I don't even feel horribly depressed I guess. I don't know what the feeling is exactly, but it's not depression.

I don't know

I want to be okay

and I know I will be

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

[itsjustmya]

I woke up from that horrible night with my head pounding and a feeling of emptiness. I roll out of bed and I walk over to my huge mirror and stare at the girl I can barely recognize anymore. Eyes so puffy I could barely keep my eyes open. Mascara stained under my eyes making me look like an edgy 2009's teenager. And a girl who can not go one day without feeling sick physically or emotionally. Hell, sometimes my body has a field day and makes me experience both of those feelings. I was really hoping the next blog I type would be something hopeful, but here I am typing a sob story. Nothing is technically wrong with me. I'm not in an emotionally abusive relationship anymore, so why can't feel a sense of contentedness? I guess that's the beauty of being a 16 year old, hormonal, teenage girl.

I started school a little over a week ago. Senior year!! Time to reflect back to all the wonderful memories I experienced with my classmates and wipe a tear from my eye knowing I'm going to miss it oh so much. I would do that if I had a literal connection with any of my fellow seniors, but I really don't. In a little under 9 months, I'll be walking across a stage looking like I'm singing for a choir and receiving a piece of paper that shows I've endured 12 years of school and can finally move on with my life. I don't know, I'm not even that emotional about the whole thing.

I feel so bland right now and I really wish I can explain why. I mean maybe my parents screaming at me and me knowing they don't like me as much as my sister, or the fact said sister is three hours away and she was the only one who could feel the exact same way about my parents and would keep me company, or maybe I'm just complaining and I should suck it up and be fine. There's no reason I should let this affect me, but I really just want to feel emotional right now. I'm really sorry. Maybe it's not fair to you, or maybe you think you can't make me happy. I think I just need to let these emotions affect me for a bit so I can move on from them. I can't suppress them nor can I ignore them anymore. I keep telling people who ask me if it's different now that my sister doesn't live with me anymore that nothing has changed, but it has. I miss her, even if some people don't like the things she says or does, but we've been so close for so long and I just miss her. I know she's not gone forever and I can still talk to her, but it just hurts a little.

I hate the feeling I get and knowing you have to deal with it. All of the bad thoughts of you getting sick of it, or getting bored of me and moving to someone who isn't sad, or something absurd floods my mind and make me feel like shit even more. I know I shouldn't have these thoughts and yet my mind still thinks them. I know I'll be okay, but for now, I really just have to have these feelings and let them go away on their own.

I just hate the feeling of being so distant from my parents now. I just want to be enough for them I don't want them to be disappointed in me. The thought of moving in with my grandparents for my senior year crosses my mind now more than it probably should, but I just can't help it. I hate this house and I loathe coming to it after school or work.

I think I need another talk with her.

[itsjustmya]

All, for nothing at all

Every time I have a mug of coffee, I instantly regret it. Take an anxiety-filled teenage girl and shove caffeine in her system and you get fucking hell. My hands are shaky, my heart is pumping, and I'm experiencing high levels of anxiety. Why do I keep drinking it? Why do I endure this feeling every time just to feel slightly more awake, I'll never know.

You know, I don't know why I do a lot of things. I look back at this past year and a half, and I just realize how much I've lost. All those sleepless nights of trying and trying to please, and I never got anything in return. I'm not one to say I deserve things, but I mean come on, the least you could have done was not deny what you did to me. All of that for nothing.

Put down that god damn mug, Mya and go do something instead of sitting in your house typing on this damn computer. Yesterday marked a week I've been out of school and been in summer mode. I've probably taken more naps in this week than I have for the whole 2021. I've had some great days and nights don't get me wrong. Summer so far has been amazing and a lot better than the school year, but I feel like I'm missing out on something except I can't put my finger on it.

I finish my last sip of my coffee and stare at the bottom of the empty mug. A little bit of sugar was still remaining from when I supposedly didn't mix it enough. You know, that can be a damn metaphor for my life. I try to make this thing that affects my life (or sugar in my coffee in this instance) and make it go away. Make it blend in to my life as if it's nothing anymore, but it still lingers in the end. No matter what, I really can't pretend that nothing happened. I have to accept the fact that I haven't really made that thing go away. It's still in the bottom of my mug. That'll probably not make any sense to anyone but me.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired. I am so tired in every possible way you can think of. Maybe I'm just caffeinated, but I wanted to write a blog with no actually plan of what to write. This is far by my worst fucking blog and this is only my third one!!

There really isn't any direction this blog is going I just really felt like typing something up. "69° F Cloudy", my computer mocks me for yet another day. I'm convinced it's been this weather for at least four days in a row. It's like signifying that I've been doing the same damn thing for the past four days, as if I've been reliving the same day over and over. I really need to get out of this dreadful house, don't I?

I should probably stop drinking caffeine.

I should probably share my feelings more.

And I should probably stop worrying about how you feel about me.

[itsjustmya]

May 15

You know that feeling you get when you know you are having one of the best times of your life, but you know it's suddenly going to vanish from your eyes in seconds? It's like when you reach the top of a rollercoaster and you know that feeling you are going to get when you rush down that slope. It's like all the organs in your body are floating and you feel as if you are on a cloud. I never experienced that feeling with you ever. I used to look in the mirror and just stare at myself for long periods of time, not even recognizing the girl I see before me. You somehow altered myself from a girl I used to know, into a mundane, watered-down version of myself. How can a person wake up in the morning and not have any sort of loathe for themselves for destroying someone's mental health? Being on the brink of some sort of anxiety attack, I would just sit there and look at myself. All those degrading sentences and words you used to tell me were circling around my body as if they're parasites waiting to attach themselves on to me. It's been a month and your trail of degradation is still lingering behind me. I just want to feel like myself again.

I want to ride down that rollercoaster just one more time.

Today, (May 15) marks one week since my sister graduated from high school. I don't usually compare my competence to hers, but I've finally realized how pathetic my three years of high school have been. I've done absolutely nothing compared to my sister. She was the FFA president, the Art Club co-president, she won many scholarships dealing with agriculture, there are so many people that support and love her, and she's on the National Honor Society. She was so dedicated to FFA and Art Club and I couldn't even remember what my officer role in FBLA was. How more pathetic can I sound? It's 1 A.M. and I'm listening to "Love My Way" by The Psychedelic Furs, and I'm typing how much better my older sister is. I mean, who the hell around here has scholarships for a pitiful girl who wants to major in chemistry? I can't fathom how much I've wasted my high school experience. Especially my sophomore and junior years. Why the hell am I even sulking about this? I'm at fault for all of this. Maybe I can relate this back to you, but that would be giving you too much credit, wouldn't it?

I guess I really can't put all of the blame on you, can I? Sometimes I still don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Why do you still have to haunt me? Why did I endure all of that for so long and the only thing I got out of it was an eating disorder, insecurities, and the ability to think anyone can't really have intimate feelings towards me. I really shouldn't be talking about you, but I guess this agonizing blog kind of helps get all of this out.

I really hope one day you realize how much you've saved me from letting him take over my thoughts. You really are amazing. Thank you.

[itsjustmya]

April 5

I sit here in this uncomfortable chair, typing on this computer for no reason. I’ve typed up this blog so many damn times, and I’ve hated every single one of them. I don’t write, I don’t journal, so why am I writing a Tumblr blog? I guess I felt inspired, or maybe I just want a place to type up all of my bottled up emotions. 

These past few months have felt like a fever dream. My house is now filled with random condiments from school, I have a Joseph Stalin bottle in my room with an artificial flower in it, and the person who gifted me all of these items is the person I’m attending my first prom with. 

I’ve always pictured myself as the quiet person who doesn’t really put herself out there into the crowd. Sure, my classmates love the absurd jokes I make or the innuendos I whisper, but that doesn’t mean I’m some outgoing individual who loves attention. I regret a lot of things I’ve missed out on this year due to my obsession over working.

Freshman year, I decided to become an actress for my school’s drama team. It was one of the best choices I’ve made. My parents, their friends, my old friends would always bother me by saying I should start acting when I get to be a freshman. I joined to discover the fact the play we would be doing that year, was fucking racist. That’s besides the point though. What I really loved was standing on that stage, the lights flashing right into my eyes, blinding myself from the audience. In the beginning, I was extremely shy and couldn’t even act in front of my fellow actors and actresses. When I finally warmed up to them, I would receive compliments, I would share laughs with them. It would be one of the best experiences of my life. From late nights reciting and perfecting my lines to early mornings of having to push aside my tiredness and act to my greatest potential. It was all worth it in the end, because that’s when I discovered my love for being on that stage.

I could’ve had that feeling this year, and yet I couldn’t because I have two jobs that take up my time and hard work. “Well why couldn’t you just tell them you have drama?”. Because you buffoon, one of my jobs rely on me solely to work. What do I get in return? I get paid minimum wage for standing and having to endure all the annoying, old people. Next year is what gives me hope though. Next year, I’m forcing myself to go back into drama and show everyone my full potential. 

Do you know what has been affecting me the most this past year? You couldn’t really care? Well, I’ll say it anyways. I have a problem with my happiness. I never put my happiness first, because I want to make others happy. I never focus on my mental health or anything dealing with me in general. It pisses me off that I do this. Why can’t I just do what makes me happy? Why can’t I hang out with the people I want? Why does it matter If I talk to them? I’m happy when I do all of this so why does it have to affect you? How come every time I start talking to someone and becoming better friends with them, you always find ways to make me not talk to them. You make me push them away because you either don’t like them or you think they have a fucking crush on me. I’m my own person. I am independent and I don’t want you controlling who I talk to or hang out with. And yet, I still think I’m the worst fucking person in the world for wanting to talk to someone. I’m walking on god damn eggshells all the damn time just to make you happy and suppress my feelings. 

One day, I’ll stand up for myself and my happiness.