itsjustash1984 - Tumblr blog

itsjustash1984 · 6 years ago

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The number of women with Aspergers who have been taken advantage of, physically and emotionally scared, is staggering. The truth is it is darn hard to discern who in our lives are being truthful and who id taking advantage of our inability to read non-verbal cues and ugly intentions.

I fall in love easily and endlessly, am easily overwhelmed and prone to anxiety. I'm my younger years my unquenchable thirst for love and painful anxiety led to excessive drug overdoses and rape.

Older, wiser and sicker, I was swept off my feet by my prince charming; who in turn fed me to the wolfs. Claiming he loved me, leading me on with extravagance and luxury, I had been easily deceived and overwilling to feel any sort of love. He abandoned me as I suffered from heart failure due to a Hashimotos complication.

Knowing I was on the verge of death, seeking the company and comfort of my charming companion, discovered him with another woman. I was cast away suddenly and with out explication. My darkest hour had grown darker, I contemplated suicide.

Taking full advantage of my broken life, heart and body, his good friend claimed me as his own. This was the beginning of a two year relationship, one anyone could see, was disturbingly abusive. An intense companionship wrapped in lies enveloped in a never ceasing nightmare.

His drug use, drinking and blackouts I excused out of compassion from my distant past of abuse. I didn't want to give up on him as I wouldn't want to be given up on if I was sick.

At its worst, I was violently assaulted while pregnant, thrown to the ground on my stomach and strangled until I pissed myself. He was arrested, but due to lack of witnesses and his clever lies, was released a week later.

I carried my dead baby in my stomach for 3 weeks before the miscarriage began. I was holding over in an artist hostel in Reno when the contraction's became to much for me to bear. I was taken by ambulance to the ER, where I proceeded to bleed out and give dead birth on my own. It was shift change in the ER.

I laid bleeding in a pool of my own blood, weeping. I remember the blood growing cold and uncomfortable to lay in, and I had to attended to the blood myself, finding a stack of absorbent padding in the ER rooms cupboards. After 5 hours it was all over. I was discharged and walked home to my hostel room alone.

I did my best to hold it together and started a new job house cleaning that I already had scheduled. I fell deathly ill, with no means of caring for myself and my aspergers leaving isolated, I fell back into the hands of my abuser. Who in turn, took the opportunity to trap me for months.

I was on the verge of death. I was completely immobilized, and fading fast. He proceeded to feed me methamphetamines, with no improvement. I could not move, I could not move or stay awake. I was really about to die, not even this street strength stimulant could help me wake up.

He proceeded to feed me the drug, refusing to let me leave and violently aggressive with any expression resistance or disobedience. I was kept in this way I. His RV for several months. I was provided with a bucket for a toilet and a 5 gallon jug and a storage tub to bathe in.

Anything I did, everything I did, ended in punishment. Still too sick to defend myself, or leave, or take care of myself, I took to reading to pass the time. Not able to leave as he kept my car keys, all my email accounts, social media accounts, bank accounts strictly monitored - just looking at my phone was reason for punishment.

I had never been a meth user, I was always greatly opposed to it because of my mother's great down fall with meth use. After being fed the drug over sometime I grew physically dependent, making leaving harder and harder.

As a strange blessing, I suppose, I had always struggled with dyslexia and illiteracy. The seclusion from the world and the punishment of phone use, I turned to books. Children's books, at first, before I knew it I was studying constitutional law.

Eventually he became jealous of the books too. Violent temper tantrums if I would have sex. Violent temper tantrums if I was forced to have sex and didn't look like I was enjoying it.

I had to become disconnected.

I had not only lost the baby, I had been separated from my little girl, had everything I every worked for and everyone I ever knew ripped from me. Just typing it makes me tearful. For my own self preservation I had to forget about anything I ever cared about or who I was - or I would kill myself to escape the endless pain.

One day, i was contacted by my daughters school, who was in her fathers care. They were reporting child abuse and neglect to CPS, he had moved a new girlfriend in and her boys. One of her kids, 8yo had been caught selling drugs at school, the older boy had blown himself up and hadn't been taken for medical care in over a week, my daughter hadn't had shoes for sometime and had been increasingly disturbed sense the boys moved in.

I had just had it. I had to do something or he would keep me their like this forever. I became a destructive force. Screaming and fighting now every time I was violated, never letting any of his abuse slide if I could help it. I got away long enough to see my daughter, who was extremely distressed when I reached her.

Things escalated. I wanted to leave and all my belongings, my jeep my travel trailer and everything I needed to move on was being held hostage. Everyday he would promise me to get my things back. This went on for months. One day I thrashed the RV, piling every last thing onto the floor and demanded my keys.

He wouldn't let me leave, and when he did he insisted on coming with me and refused to exit the car. So I left anyways. He was an abusive monster, half way to my storage in in Sacramento I couldn't take it anymore. He refused to stop, he refused to let me go, he refused to get out of my car.

He eventually ditched me in Sacramento with out even shoes on my feet mid summer. I ended up in the ER and then a crisis residential home. He came to 'pick me up', I had had a miraculous recovery and he claimed he was sober too ready to start anew.

As we left Sacramento we stopped by his elderly mother's house, and he became violent again. I left without notice or hesitation. It wasn't until I reached Lovelock Nevada that I realized he had taken the debit card from my wallet, sim cards from my phones, and all emergency gear out of my car.

I ran out of gas, walked endlessly through the desert while surrounded by wildfire on three sides. Then, as a lone woman, with out of country licence plates, alone in the Nevada desert... I was targeted by a human trafficking ring. I was taken to the hospital for exposure - however the doctors refused to treat me for exposure, held me down and injected me with drugs.

When I awoke 15 hours had passed with me out cold, my purse had been ransacked, and I was transfered to Carson City. I was now over 100 miles away from my car, no phone no money, and was being forced drugs and held against my will - again.

I had access to a phone, I called the Canadian Consulate, Indian Affairs and left a messege for the Whitehouse. The Canadian Consulate advocated my immediate release. However, I was released into Carson City with out a prayer in the world.

I he fires continued. As I was exposed to the elements I faded in and out of trances where I achieved communication with ancestors. It became a matter of life and death, me still running from human trafficking, suffering and nearly during from exposure, and scattered days of divine intervention and revelation.

This went on for weeks. Eventually my abuser came to 'rescue' me, only finding me with no means or plan of getting out of Carson.

These were the most terrifying moments of my life. I had excons gas lighting me and threatening to kill me if I didn't get inline with the sex trade, working on behalf of the sheriff, aka 'under sheriff'. Them my ex arrives like a black night, scolding me.

At this point I was on the verge of death once more. I has lost control of my bowls and bladder and was shitting and pissing into a diaper at this point. My feet and legs hands and eyes had become swollen, I could barley walk and was utilizing a walker.

Now as I retreated to a riverbed for safety walking for hours,he followed behind me. I swear his eyes lit up green with little whisps of green smoke like antenna rising from them. I shuffled along in my walker, holding onto life by threads. He followed near behind me uttering horrible horrible things.

"Bitch, I'll take off you fucking jaw so you'll never speak again, never say another fucking word again!" Of all the things to fear in the desert, the most dangerous thing was this guy, tormenting me and deadly. Once again I was at his mercy, nearly dead with no one to turn to.

Telling me it was for my own protection, that he did these things out of love, he dragged me around. Ditching me in Reno, them reuniting and ditching me Modesto, where I continued to face human trafficking threats from an organization I came to know as "The Clampers."

I eventually made it back to San Jose. So thankful for relief and familiar faces, I was given a month in a bed that allowed me to elevate my damaged feet and kegs, and get my health back.

He kept his composure for a while because we were staying with friends and always surrounded by company. Then he flipped one day, "you and your stunts you fucking crazy bitch."

This time I called him out, I front of sane company. Friends began to witness his abuse. He had convinced them I was insane, all sorts of untrue things. After a month of knowing me, they knew better.

They did what no one else would: voiced their concerns consistently, stuck up for me, helped me create distance when he was dangerous - as he would often kick me out, then proceed to follow me then get violent with me when he had me secluded.

I continued to fight, demanding my belongings back everyday.

October came, I had lost the baby in February, I was rested and well. It became clear to me I was never getting my Jeep back, he was never going to return my clothing or my alter boxes.

The only thing I was able to recover was grandmother's beads. I was fortunete to contract an old friend, who didn't hesitate to buy me a bus ticket back to my hometown and give me a place to stay and such.

Its been 3 weeks. I've returned to working at my former executive pace and tomorrow will be receiving my first paycheck. I am planning on seeing my little for the first time in 6 months this weekend.

This ending and new beginning is giving me an Erie reminder of that old book "Go Ask Alice." Who dies mysteriously after ending her journaling on a positive note.

Women with Aspergers have a difficult time decerning the intentions of others. We get taken advantage of, physically and emotionally abused and can't tell when someone is expressing true remorse or losing. We are isolated socially and lack normal healthy support systems and often targeted for sex trafficking.

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itsjustash1984 · 6 years ago

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Its time we talk about what happened at Modesto Jr College.

I enrolled into Modesto Jr his fall to pursue its exclusive irrigation and water studies program. No one has questioned why or what happened, but I abruptly dropped my classed after 2 week of school.

So what really happened. Well, first of of all I discovered this was less of a irrigation studies program and more like product placemet. Irrigation manufacturers sponsored the program if they focused exclusively on promoting the products - pumps etc.

If that wasn't enough to drop the program, I immediately learned the true nature of our irrigation reality In California.

As an amateur historian/archeologist raised in L.A., I was aware of the dark history behind L.A.'s water cartel. In brief, the Mulholland family developed the grand idea of selling desert property in Southern California cheep to business developers and investors. He then developed the Los Angeles Aqueduct to move massive amounts of water to Southern California allowing the desert landscape to develop into an agricultural gold mine. This single movement of water allowed L.A., Orange Country and Inland Empire to develop into the thriving metropolis it is today. They let nothing get in the way of this development.

The cartel was known to lie, cheat, steal, bribe and even murder to obtain the massive stretch of land the aqueduct runs through (across 233 miles).

What I wasn't aware of, and the most disturbing knowledge I obtained in my short time at Modesto Jr,, was the repercussions we are now facing from this massive diversion of water.

As L.A. and surrounding counties continue to maintain green lawns and fill swimming pools, long ago developing massive sprawls of neighborhoods over agricultural land, we have exhausted our states groundwater.

Once considered an endless resource Southern California has depleted over 850,000,000,000 acre feet of ground water in a few short generations. Now, we have not only exhausted this seemingly endless water resources but we are now only experiencing the major geological effects of this bankruptcy.

In short; we are sinking. As our ground water was tapped out the land that sits on top it has begun to sink. Not only that, but water that once naturally flowed overland was diverted and the land it nourished became dry, barren and has begun to literally blow away.

Even if we reduced or even abruptly stopped this disastrous irrigation system, its too late. The land has begun to sink permanently altering the capacity of massive ground water resources.

Inadvertently, with aquifer capacity dramatically reduced, rain water that would of once naturally seeped into the aquifer has/will have no place to go. So not only is the land sinking but is becoming over saturated. With nowhere for water to go, the earth above the underground reservoirs becomes over saturated, massive floods are beginning to occur on land that has been parched and altered with the diversion of water.

Coupled with California's tectonic boundary, the Pacific Plate and American Plate, (better known as the San Andreas Fault) groundwater bankruptcy, land sinking and over saturation is a recipe for cataclysmic disaster.

The implications being, major and regular occurring earthquakes can potentially send our already sinking land (over saturated and under saturated earth) directly into the Pacific Ocean.

Our government is widely aware of this threat to California, and is already implementing massive exodus plans. The state of Arizona is making preparation to receive 400,000 people in the even of a catastrophic earthquake in Southern California. Many corporate manufacturers have already begun to move their businesses else where.

If that wasn't bad enough, ground water in America's 'Bread Bowl' has gone bankrupt as well. The ground won't sink into the ocean as it will in California, but we will see the return of a major dust bowl event, whose than before.

California seams to be hopeful we can still do something about it and in 2014 started on The Sustainable Ground Water Act (SGMA) with a focus on high and medium priority basins.

So, after learning of the impending state of disaster due to our reckless water abuse - why would Modesto Jr College found a new irrigation studies program that teaches these obviously out dated and extremely harmful irrigation techniques?

Well, the curriculum wasn't designed to address an unmet need for formal irrigation education, as it boasts. It was developed by local community farmers and ranchers specifically so their privileged college age children could earn an easy A and breeze through obtaining their Jr College degree and move onto a more accredited colleges with minimal efforts.

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