itsjoshquill

[itsjoshquill]

This is a friendly reminder, for any transmasc people out there that may need to hear it, that being a guy is not all about being rude about women and hating your partner. Being a kind and decent guy does not make you less of a man.

"But jacob," I hear you saying, "that's completely ridiculous, nobody thinks like that."

I had to be reminded of this fact myself today. I still struggle a lot with dysphoria when I feel like my actions or mannerisms are too close to a woman's. I understand that it's a social construct and all that, but for a bit of background, here are some of the things I heard/was told growing up:

Men need prompting to do things

Men cannot complete a task to a woman's standards without support or intervention

A guy needs more patting on the back for doing something in order to feel like they are contributing enough

Men can't follow instructions properly the first time of asking

The list goes on, to similar effect, but I'll be here all night if I try to list them all. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. There are men (cis and trans alike) who are horrible, toxic and lazy people but it's not purely because they are men. Women can be - and somdtimes are - like that too.

My friend reminded me today that being aware of people around me doesn't make me less of a man. So I'm here to say it louder in case other people need to hear it.

Putting equal effort into a relationship does not make you less of a man

Caring about people does not make you less of a man

You are not less of a man just because you make dinner, or look after children, or contribute to housework

Not being an aggressive and abusive scumbag is a GOOD THING, and does not make you an unconvincing dude

Cis people, if you have stumbled upon this, for the love of all that is good and holy DO NOT tell the transmasc people in your life that they don't/aren't going to pass as a 'convincing man' on the basis that they are polite, considerate beings that want to be helpful. It's incredibly insulting and you have no idea the damage it can cause - and you're just wrong. We need more decent and respectful people in the world, not less.

[itsjoshquill]

Things I've learned about Mens Restrooms

Though I've been out as transmasc to my family/social circle for a little over a year, I didn't feel safe enough to start using the men's bathroom while in public until I went back to college a couple weeks ago. So, for my fellow transmascs, here is a list of things I didn't know before and only recently learned about this uncharted territory:

Literally no one cares if you use a stall instead of a urinal. In fact, in the 3 weeks since school started, I have only seen the urinals being used once (1) - but I've found at least one other stall occupied about 50% of the time.

There is a distressingly small ratio of sinks to available toilets/urinals in the men's room compared to the women's. This fact haunts me deeply. Why do so many people with penises think that they don't need to wash their hands after peeing, and which came first: the reluctance to wash their hands, or the small amount of available sinks? The world may never know.

On that note, people who have penises and use the men's room: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD DEAR, WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS, THATS SO GROSS

This may just be my university, I need a larger sample size to confirm, but men's rooms are so fucking dark???? Why is it so dark??? What are you afraid of seeing if you turn on more than two lights???? A penis???? My guy, I have news for you about what a restroom is for

I went to set my phone on the stall trashcan lid at one point out of habit and had a moment of pure confusion when it wasn't there before i remembered that most cis men have no reason to have a trashcan in the toilet stall and got really irritated on behalf of any transmascs who may use the men's room but still need those trashcans

If you walk in and out like you're meant to be there, no one will bother you. I almost ran headlong into a dudebro while exiting the mens room in the library today and he never questioned my right to have been using that restroom - we both said sorry and continued on our way. It's about the confidence. If YOU don't act nervous/confused/whatever you may actually be feeling, then they won't question you. Fake it till you make it, lads!

Anyways that's just my observations from the past couple weeks, set out into the world for my fellow trans and nb people who are more used to women's restrooms. Feel free to add your own relevant advice if you think i missed something! Or if you can confirm or refute the idea that men's rooms are poorly lit compared to women's!

AND PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS GOOD GRIEF

[itsjoshquill]

Trans guy’s guide to barbershops

Hi, I'm Jacob and I am trans. This month, it will be five years since I started socially transitioning and to celebrate, I thought I would talk about something I wish I'd had help with when I was younger. Haircuts. Specifically, the barbers.

It can be a really intimidating experience the first time you go, so I'm going to cover a few points that I think are useful.

Choosing a barbershop

How to prepare

The haircut

Extra tips

Choosing a barbershop

I don’t know about other places, but in England you can walk down pretty much any high street and find at least two barbershops. Putting my nearest town into google maps gets about twenty results in total, so you might be unsure where to start. This is totally ok! Take some time to think about your options. Maybe consider how close it is to where you live, the cost and whether they have student discounts, and what other people think about it. Most places have reviews online or if you have friends or relatives you can ask, that can help too. For me at least, my first couple of cuts were at a local place and then I changed and started going somewhere in town. Deciding you don’t like the vibes is also fine! The most important thing is that you feel safe and happy. 

How to prepare

Even if you pass super well, going to a barbers can be scary. My mum always drilled into me that a barber will only cut a man’s hair and the first time I went I was terrified that I wouldn’t pass and they wouldn’t serve me. In the end, it was fine. For me, it was worth it when I had a properly masc looking haircut at the end of it. Think about what you want your haircut to look like - finding pictures or asking your mates what they get is a great starting point. (Just avoid the 2000s Bieber cut at all costs, please/hj). Finding a youtube video or article that explains clipper cuts and fades is also a good idea. If you can walk into a barbers and tell them at least vaguely what you want, you’ll feel a lot more confident and the whole process is a lot easier. 

The haircut

I’m going to walk you through what happens at a standard haircut for me. I go to a little place in town, usually during the week. You don’t have to make an appointment, you can just walk in and you might have to wait a few minutes if it’s busy but there is a waiting area with magazines and there’s music playing too so it isn’t boring. When you sit down for the haircut, you’ll be asked what you’d like as they put the cape on. I normally ask for a number three (3) back and sides with a bit off the top. That means most of my hair is about 10mm long so it’s short and spiky like a hedgehog, but I have more hair on the top to style if I want. Then you pretty much just wait. Depending on where you go, the person cutting your hair might want to make conversation with you. It’s not normally that bad, just things like ‘doing anything nice this weekend?’ or ‘any plans for the bank holiday?’ and so on. Then at the end, you have a new haircut. My haircut is £15 and once I’ve paid I can leave. In England it is standard for barbershops to take cash, sometimes cash only, which is super cool for trans people who get deadnamed by their bankcards. 

Extra tips

And I will leave you now with some final tips. If the place you’re going takes cash, work out roughly how much you’ll need to pay (in the UK it’s usually less than £20 for a standard dry cut with discounts for students) and try and have it exactly - especially if you are the first customer of the morning because they might not have change. For my friends out there who bind, I don’t recommend it for your haircut. I know you’re reading this and thinking I’m mad, and I understand your feelings but trust me. The main reason for this is simply trying to get all the tiny bits of hair out afterwards. Unless you remove every single hair by hand, they will stay there and be really uncomfortable. Also, if you’re nervous about people seeing the straps, the barber might move your shirt around to brush the bits of hair off your neck at the end and they will probably see it. I personally haven’t had anyone comment on it but it could happen. You might be better off with a sports bra that has shoulder straps further from your neck. Finally, if you live somewhere cold, bring a hat. You might not need it on the way there but once they’ve cut half your hair off you are going to feel it. 

Most importantly, stay safe. If you want to take a friend/sibling/supportive parent, by all means do it. Having a haircut should be a gender affirming experience and make you feel happy. Experiment and have fun with your expression. You’re going to look so cool and handsome at the end of it.

Peace out,

Jacob