itsdetective

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

I am aware of that, Hailey... You've already pointed out how you felt about me leaving, that I broke your trust for abandoning you, and how my undercover case went a lot longer and way more complicated and dangerous than expected. We have already laid all of that out on the table, and I admitted that I was wrong and apologized for it. I can't change the past, Hales. What's done is done and I'm sorry that I hurt you and that you felt like I abandoned you. Leaving you wasn't my intention... I just needed some time out of Chicago to figure things out career wise. I didn't like who I was becoming here... Crossing boundaries, breaking rules, and compromising my own integrity. I was becoming like Voight and it scared the hell out of me, so I left. It's no excuse but it's the truth and I'm sorry for my part in all of this. [Still feeling as though it was hypocritical for Hailey to act this way given how deeply she got into her own undercover cases. I figured if anyone would understand the bind I got myself into, it was Hailey, but judging by the fact that she kept beating the same arguments over my head, apparently I was full on villain. At least I knew where things stood between us] Water it is. [I said with a smile as I handed her the styrofoam cup with water in it before a chuckle followed] I could probably arrange sneaking some food in here for you... If I did agree to this tricky and rule-breaking task, what are you hungry for? [Mirroring her humor with my own attempt to crack a joke]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

I get it. I came here when I heard you got hurt. Adam called... Then Kim too, and by then, I was already on a plane headed back here. [I confessed. My way of conveying to her how important she was to me] That said though, I didn't show up here with expectations about us. I know I screwed up. I get that more than you may realize, so I'm not naive enough to think that everything will just be okay between us since I returned. This isn't a movie, so I know real life is more complicated than that. Meaning that, unlike a movie premise, I am real enough to know my return doesn't mean things are miraculously fixed and it's water under the bridge. [I further explained before adding] I know better than that, but I mean what I said, I'm back. I have no plans of leaving again. [I aired out casually and matter of factly. My way of both expressing that the ball was in her court, but also that I was open to see what may come between us. Bottom line, I was here to do the work... I was ready to fight to win her back] Can I get you anything? Water, maybe? [Recalling whenever I woke up in a hospital bed, I was always thirsty. With that thought in mind, I was already on my feet and pouring some bottled water into the Styrofoam cup beside her hospital bed, then placed a straw in it, so she would have water available once she was ready for it]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

Of course I'm back here because you got shot. I love you, so naturally when I heard you were in a hospital bed recovering from a gunshot wound, I dropped everything and took the first flight out. Yes, I am sorry that it took you getting shot for me to put my perspectives in the right order, and nobody is angrier at me for that than I am at myself, but my point is, I came back for you because I love you. Do I expect you to forgive me? No. Am I naive enough to think that you and I will be okay and pick up where we left off before I left? No. I know I screwed up. I'm not here with any motives or expectations. I'm here now because I love you. Simple as that. [I quietly confessed as I ultimately took a seat on the edge of her hospital bed. I wasn't an idiot. I knew our marriage was more than likely over... I broke the trust between us when I left, and that's on me. Regardless of that though, I never stopped loving Hailey, which is why I came home the moment I got word of her injury] I'm here, Hales... For good. I already told my CO that I'm not going back. I don't expect that information to matter or count for anything, but I thought you should know.

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

Right... [I said as I trailed off. What more was I going to say here and now? I was here. I had apologized. I explained my reasons for being away for so long, yet I dropped everything with my career and the case to come home to her the second I got word that she had been shot. None of it mattered though. The thing that Hailey seems to forget though is how deeply she goes in when she's on undercover cases though. Just like me, she loses all sense of reason and reality. I can still recall how close I had come to losing her when she lost herself when she went back under as "Kelly" in order to finally bring down the dirt ball who killed her previous partner and love interest. My point is, it's easy to completely lose yourself in a case, which Hailey knew more than most, so if anyone should be able to understand where I was coming from here in my reasoning, it was her. But no, leave it to Hailey to come off as so devoted to me that no matter what the circumstances, she'd find a way to reach out to me... Doubtful given what I witnessed first hand from her a few years back] So you're saying if Booth had never been caught and arrested, and you got the chance to go undercover as "Kelly" again in order to finally bring him down for what he did to your ex-partner and love, there's no chance you'd lose who you are and end up so deep in the case and your undercover identity that you wouldn't lose any sense of reality or reason? I mean, aren't you the one who had lectured me before when you were "Kelly" that you have to go all in or you risk getting killed? Hailey, I love you, but I vividly remember you losing yourself in that case... To the point that it almost cost you your career all in an effort to bring Booth to justice. My point in bringing that us is, you don't know how deeply you'll go in, or what you're willing to do until you're knee-deep in cases like that. [I shook my head. I wasn't going to dance around this same argument with Hailey. Especially when I wasn't buying her "perfect wife" response now. Not when I had already seen how deeply Hailey loses herself when she goes undercover]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

[I had already tried to explain to Hailey why I had stayed away for as long as I did, but she didn't seem to believe my explanation, yet here she was asking me again... My brows furrowed slightly. Not really sure what more I could say on the subject, but maybe the reason Hailey was asking again was because now she was trying to open her mind to understand the reason for my lengthy absence from her] Believe it or not, I didn't plan to stay away for as long as I did... Initially I left because I needed to. I was starting to unravel... I was making decisions I would have never made, questioning my own integrity and common sense, and I was worried about how far it would take me. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. [All information Hailey knew since I had tried to explain all of this to her before I left Chicago. Given that none of that was new information to her, I continued] I only planned to be gone for a few months though... Clear my head and find myself again before I'd return to Chicago with you. Then they got in a bind and needed someone to go undercover. Without putting much thought into it, I agreed to fill the part. Sure, I knew what I was signing myself up for, but maybe my arrogance got the best of me because I never thought it would take that long to solve that case. The case took a turn and I realized I was knee deep with a mob on this undercover case. The sort of mob that if I blew my cover and they figured out who I was, they wouldn't hesitate to retaliate on you, Will, and everyone else that I care about too. I know you're angry with me, and I don't blame you for that... If you hate me and lost all trust in me, I get that too, but Hailey, I couldn't run the risk of anything happening to you. If me keeping my distance and ghosting you kept you safe from them, then I could come to terms with that. [I explained before trying to find another angle for Hailey to understand where I was coming from] You know better than most the risk that goes into undercover work... If the situation was reversed, and it meant you distancing yourself from me in order to protect me, you'd do the same, right? [I know Hailey was upset with me... She felt betrayed, but if it meant protecting her, I'd make the same decision to distance myself from her every single time. I will always do what I could to keep Hailey safe; even if that meant my own heart breaking from losing her, as a result]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

[I knew Hailey was angry with me. Truth was, she had every right to be. I left. Yes, I had assured myself that my reasons for leaving Chicago were justified. I needed to leave Chicago because I was starting to spiral out of control. I needed to get my head in the right head space, both for my own sake and for the sake of my marriage to Hailey too. Right or wrong, I didn't regret my reasons for leaving Chicago. To me, they were justified and warranted. As were my reasons to keeping her in the dark when I went undercover. In spite of the angry speech she was giving me now about true love and wedding vows, I knew in my gut that if the situation was reversed, Hailey would have ghosted me too, as a means of protecting me. No matter what, we'd always look out for the safety of the other; even if it ripped us up inside to have to separate ourselves from them. Either way, Hailey had seemingly gone through hell, not only during my absence, but also in her recent case too, which landed her here in the hospital, so arguing with her wouldn't make any of this better. I assumed arguing with her and tossing the word "hypocrisy" out there would just make matters worse, so I kept my mouth shut. Figuring I'd let Hailey unleash any array of anger and hurt she felt toward me now. I meant what I said though, if she wanted me to leave, I would. Grant it, I'd only leave her hospital room though. I'd still camp outside of her room to ensure she was safe. A thought I'd keep to myself though. Fortunately for me, that back up plan no longer seemed necessary when I heard Hailey give me permission to stay. At that, I gave a nod of response and remained in the seat adjacent from her hospital bed] Okay, then I'll stay. [I added in assuring response before my lips parted to speak up again] I know you're angry with me, Hailey, and you have every right to be. My motives and intentions aside though, my heart has never faltered from you. [I confessed honestly. Putting my feelings out there wasn't really my thing, but I owed her that confession at the very least. She needed to know that, regardless of my behavior, choices, and disappearance, I never stopped loving her, and I never would]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

[I knew Hailey was angry with me now, and she had every right to be. I did leave, and I did ghost her. Mind you, ghosting her hadn't been part of my plan, but it happened when I went deep undercover on the case. I naively thought Hailey, of all people, would understand how undercover cases could work, since she's been neck deep on undercover cases too... The fact that it requires you to sever all ties and communication with the people you love as a means of protecting them. She clearly didn't understand though. In fact, it was crystal clear that she was angry with me... Leading me to wonder if I had completely lost her] No, it doesn't make it right. Ghosting you was wrong. It was also the last thing I wanted to do, but it happened. I got deep undercover on the case, and I was afraid if anyone found out who I was, they would come after you in retaliation, so yes, I ghosted you. I cut off all ties. It was stupid and you have every right to be angry with me, Hailey. But yes, when I heard you were hurt, none of the work stuff mattered. I just wanted and needed to get home to you. Right or wrong, it's the truth. [I quietly shared as I leaned forward slightly in the hospital room chair adjacent to her hospital bed] Look, if you want me to go, I can. I just came because I needed to know you were okay. I understand if you don't want me to here though. I know I screwed up, Hailey. [I meant that too. I'd hate the idea of her sending me away, but if she chose to, I'd understand. I deserved her anger and resentment. I knew I had screwed up, but still, there wasn't any way I could have changed that. I went undercover and if it meant putting Hailey in danger just to keep an open line of communication, I'd choose to cut her off every time. Right or wrong, I'd always do anything I could to protect her; even if that meant her resenting me as a result. I loved Hailey... She was and remains my life, but I had to wonder if this was the end of for us. I guess time would tell on that]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

[I don't know exactly how long I was camped out at Haley's hospital bedside when I closed my eyes to rest for a bit. A slow smirk pulling at the corners of my lips though when I heard her sarcastic tone as she eluded to me being a ghost. Okay, so I deserved that. Not out of choice, of course, but I did ghost her when I was working that undercover case. Of all people, I hoped Haley would understand where I was coming from once I was able to explain the reason for my disappearance. She knew how our line of work went; especially when we were undercover on a dangerous case] That's fair. [I aired out with a lingering smirk as my eyes opened and I leaned a bit closer to her hospital bed] You have every right to be angry at me. I had no plans to be gone for as long as I was. I was put on an undercover case that took a turn for the worst and went a lot longer than any of us thought it would. [I explained. Not that any sort of explanation would matter here and now since I had failed Haley, but it was the truth nonetheless] Then I heard about you getting hurt, and all I could think about was getting back home here to you. [I added. Again, I knew Haley was angry, which she had every right to be, but it was the truth. If Haley told me to leave, I would respect her and do as she asked, but either way, I was home here now for one reason: Haley]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.

[itsdetective]

@offiercearmor

[I had never intended to permanently part ways with Hailey when I left Chicago for Bolivia. My plan had been to clear my head for a few months since I felt like I had lost myself in Chicago. I was compromising who I was, crossing lines, and risking my job and integrity, all in the name of protecting Hank Voight. I felt like I was starting to unravel... To lose my mind, so I decided I needed to leave Chicago for the time being... To find my bearings again, and then once I did, I would return to Chicago for her. For the majority of my life, my world had been pack with unpredictability and revolving doors of people coming into my life and ultimately leaving again. I didn't have what you could call "constants" in my life. Even Will had left Chicago for several years for college and then his practice in New York. The job was my constant. I put my all into my work, so when I started to compromise my own standards and morals in a sense of loyalty to a man who didn't deserve it, I knew I needed to make a change. Walking away from the life I was building with Hailey was my one regret in taking the job in Bolivia. Hailey and I hadn't been married long, and we were just starting to find our footing as a married couple... Then the Roy murder and cover up happened, and it felt like our marriage was tainted with a sense of dishonesty. Hailey had kept all of that from me. Of course Voight knew, but she kept me in the dark. Eventually I figured out what they were hiding, and I don't know... It changed me, you could say. After all of the Roy stuff was behind us, I convinced myself that Hailey and I would be okay, but deep down, the strain from all the lies and secrets was still there. Ultimately, I left with the promise of keeping in touch. A promise that, in my defense, I intended to keep because my heart would forever belong to Hailey... My promise ultimately broken though when I ended up deep undercover with the Bolivian mob. While on that case, I was forced to walk away indefinitely from my personal life. For several months I couldn't have conversation with anyone back home; especially Hailey. I knew the risk that would come to the people I loved if the Bolivian mob figured out who I really was, so I had no choice but to walk away from all of them. Bottom line, I couldn't risk it...

The days rolled into weeks and the weeks rolled into months... A year passing before the case was finally solved. It got bloody and left its fair share of battle wounds; physically, mentally, and emotionally, but what mattered was it was over. The mob was behind bars, and I was ready for my next case. Or at least that was the plan until I dug out my personal phone from my box of personal items I had kept in a secured facility and I read Hailey's text message] Shot? What the hell? [I had felt ashamed of myself for going radio silence on Hailey for so long. To the point that, to be honest, I didn't know if I should return to Chicago now that this case was over, or if it would be best for her if we just cut ties completely. Then I saw her text and I didn't think twice before taking the next flight out of Bolivia; on route back to Chicago. For all I knew, Hailey hated me and would tell me to leave, but honestly, that was a risk I was willing to take. Hours passing before I found myself back in Chicago; hailing a cab straight to the hospital. During the long flight I had already got a hold of Hailey's hospital room number, so once I finally arrived, I went straight to her hospital room. The second I reached the door though, I couldn't bring myself to step inside. A year had gone by and I hadn't communicated with Hailey at all. Grant it, that decision was out of my hands because of the case, but still, I didn't even know if I should be here now. Her eyes were closed at this point, so I ultimately mustered up the courage to enter her hospital room, and then silently take a seat in the chair adjacent to her hospital bed; figuring I'd let her rest for as long as she needed to. Besides, for all I knew, when she awoke and saw me, she might tell me to leave, so for now, I just wanted to bask in the fact that I was finally in the same room as the woman I love again. The last year had been pure hell for me, so for however long it lasted, I just wanted and needed to be near her]

Desired to rebuild.

@itsdetective

Accountability, being able to hold the courage for growth. Hailey Upton had never felt one ounce of real care, of love until she found herself in Chicago, from the family vibe in the unit, to falling in love, the father figure she felt from Voight, at times it was unconventional, it was insane. Hailey felt herself get trapped more times than not. But at the end of the day Hank was a constant; he didn’t toss her away after promises were made. And perhaps it was that betrayal, that drive that made Hailey stick by his side. When she knew he was wrong, knew he made mistakes; that could shed to light in time. 

But each time Hailey thought he had those redeeming qualities she felt stupid. But why? Why did Hailey constantly go to bat for Hank? He was her boss, he overranged her; but he cared about her; or he wore that mask well. This las year was pain after pain; love lost, the love she fought for gone. And she had to wonder why did it end? What could she have done differently to make Jay stay? He said those last final words, “ You’re the love of my life Hailey” And he was hers, one last kiss, a promise to come home turned over to a set of divorce papers that laid aimlessly across the small table in her living room in the now shoe box apartment she lived in. Where did it go wrong? Was it when we said I do? Was it me following Voight into the dark without knowing consequences? Was it the dark path I jumped into? Hailey had the swum of questions layered within her head. 

A year had changed her heart; her sense of morals. Hailey was a fighter; she believed in the good, despite all the hardships that were staked against her. Jay was her home and he was gone. He left to Bolivia and never looked back. Calls every month turned into non-existent. Did she miss him? Yes everyday, but he didn’t miss her enough to come home to her. She suppose the reason she ended up here was due to lack of sleep, or the due of overthinking her own mind. Her heart; about a divorce she never wanted; he signed the papers; but she didn’t. She couldn’t each time the blonde picked up a pen to sign her name; she felt shaky, she felt on edge and she’d drop the pen. The driven inside of her; those broken pieces he healed now felt torn apart all over again. 

But hailey was okay; she lived another day, in a hospital bed, the gun shot wound that rested on her lower stomach, she felt numb when she felt her fingers over her battle wound. The case; that had us running for a time of life; deaths in toe. Our unit on edge; the hints so far from clear. A deal that could’ve gone bad for me. I was willing to risk it all to save Hank Voight despite all the roadblocks, the man he was. Was it insanity? Maybe; but again he stayed; he didn’t leave me behind. And perhaps it was that desperate connection of the only father I’ve ever had. Hands tied behind him, shaken in my boots, I knew I could’ve died, but I couldn’t walk away; even if every ounce in my being was telling me to. The shots ran out in my ears in repeat, leaning into darkness when I felt my eyes heavy in that tiny room, the killer was down, all I remembered were the sounds of Adam and Atwater their voices, touches that felt vague. And now I was sat up in the four walls room. 

Head fussy from the pain killers; from the lack of blood that was now coming back to my brain. Was it the injury? Or my own sanity again? But Hailey only wanted one person to walk through those doors, one person to be the sanity to check on her. Maybe that’s why the blonde found herself scrolling through the old messages; to him; her once husband, the man that looked at her with love, that accepted her flaws, and in a moment of weakness Hailey found her defenses rolling down as fingers pressed a set of keys to send a message; to him as if he’d notice. 

[ Jay} text. 

“ It’s been some time, I know you closed the door on us, on our future here. And maybe it was no one’s fault. But I miss you. I was shot, and the only person I want to check on me is you, how crazy is that? Stay safe out there.” It screamed pathetic in my mind, yet here Hailey was being the one to want to lean on him; even as she pressed send; she knew it was for her own mind, he never answered; so there was no way in hell he’d actually show back up into her orbit. With a huff off bare lips she tilted her head to the doorway allowing her tired eyes to shut. Tomorrow she’d be released, and she’d feel cold all over again.