itsaheavenleeworld

[itsaheavenleeworld]

A lot of people are infatuated with my story. I think it's because I've seen and been through things that a lot of people struggle to understand and they're curious about.

All I know is I'm not the same person I was. A lot of people are struggling to accept that. To understand that. While your lives moved on, I came to a complete stand still. But during that time, I thought about how I ended up there. I never want to go back.

They say you have to want recovery for yourself, but I don't want it. I just don't want to put my family and friends through it again. And I won't, I promise you that.

It was H E L L watching my loved ones wonder what they could of done different, where they went wrong, how it ended up like this. My actions in no way reflect how I was raised.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

[itsaheavenleeworld]

I don't know what's going on with me lately. Well I do, but I refuse to accept it. I'm over worked, stressed out, sleep deprived, and overwhelmed.

If I only had to deal with work or only had to deal with drug court, it wouldn't be so bad. But handling both at the same time is damn near impossible. Then throw moving in and trying to manage taking care of an entire house all by myself...it's a lot. I don't want to say it's too much because I know I'm capable of handling it and I honestly wouldn't trade what I have for anything, but it's definitely an adjustment.

My life is moving at full speed. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. The things I used to know better than the back of my hand I'm messing up and forgetting. Then I get down on myself because I know I'm better than that.

I've always been super competitive with myself. Always trying to do better. It's made me successful, but also brought me to rock bottom. When I wasn't good enough I self medicated.

I'm just having a hard time balancing everything. I need a day off from life.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

This week is kicking my ass.

I've waited so long for this and it's the exact opoosite of what I ever dreamed of. If it could go wrong, it has. I just want to give up. How much am I supposed to take? I can only hold it together for so long.

No one is there for me like they claim to be. Everyone leaves. Everyone. I can't lie, it breaks my heart. I'm so lonely.

People tell me they're proud of me. But I'm not proud of myself. In fact, I disappoint myself more and more with each passing day. I really fucking hate myself. On the bright side, now that I live alone I can cry as loud as I want to and partake in reckless and destructive behavior.

No one cares as much as they say they do. Because if they did I wouldn't be here, writing this, praying to God asking for either the will to live or for Him to just take my life.

I just really fucking hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me.

Recovery isn't all sunshine and rainbows. You start to remember stuff. You can't self medicate when there's a problem. You have to prove your worth every fucking day. So many people want me to die. So many people want me to hurt or want to hurt me. So many people want to see me fail. I want one day, just one fucking day, please, I'm begging, just one day where I'm not harassed. Where I can be normal. Where I can do simple tasks like get gas, go shopping, fucking go to work and do my job without being harassed.

I'm giving up. I have no more fight left in me.

And no one gives a fuck.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

Today I weighed myself for the first time since November.

I've always had problems with food. I remember being as young as 6 years old and not wanting to wear shorts because I thought my thighs were too big. I remember being in the 3rd grade and thinking my stomach was too big. I remember when I was 9 and comparing myself to the other girls wondering why I wasn't as small as them.

When I was a teenager I was frequently criticized about my weight. I remember at 14 I posted on MySpace (RIP) that I was a size 3 and someone said, "I'm a size 3 and you're significantly bigger than I am." That comment haunted me for a while. I remember being 15 and googling ways to induce vomiting. I remember having a food journal where I wrote down my weight, what I ate, and my total calories. Some days it would say things like "5 mini wheats, 7 grapes, 5 glasses of water." I set goal weights and gave myself unrealistic time frames to reach my weight. When I didn't reach my goal I punished myself.

I was 16 the first time I went a whole day without food. I remember being so proud of myself.

I remember going to the gym 5 times a week using the excuse that the treadmills had TV and since I didn't have cable at home it was my only way to watch Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. That was true, I did enjoy that. But I would push myself to burn twice as many calories as I ate that day.

No one knew the demons I was facing.

I allowed myself to eat 500 calories a day. I remember being so hungry that I would 'binge' (which was me eating 2 slices of pizza) followed by trying to make myself throw up. If I couldn't puke I cried and self harmed. I remember throwing up until I saw blood.

I glorified eating disorders. I looked up 'thinspiration' what felt like 100 times a day.

How did no one know my secret?

I got called fat on a regular basis. I remember stealing laxatives and weight loss pills. "Never call a girl fat because you never know how far she will go to be the opposite."

I remember when I was in active addiction I had never loved my body more. Being able to count my ribs, having collar bones that stuck out so far you could see them from space, having a thigh gap...it all made me so happy.

In fact, I remember the first time I discovered my thigh gap. I worked at Maurices and I was in the back room where we had a full body mirror on the bathroom door. I put my feet together and my thighs did not touch. Oh my God, the joy I felt. It was like I won the lottery.

Losing weight gave me a high that no amount of drugs could ever offer.

My addiction was fueled by my weight loss. I chased that next high, not from drugs, but from getting smaller and smaller. I was thrilled when I was wearing the smallest size Maurices carried and even that was too big on me.

People told me I was too skinny. That I looked unhealthy. To me, that was a compliment. Being called 'healthy' was an insult.

My highest weight was 165 pounds. I wore a size 9 or 10. I never hated myself more.

My lowest weight in my adult life was 115. I wore a size 0. I never loved myself more.

I thought I looked good. I would run my fingers over my hip bones and feel so proud. I would go days without eating and felt accomplished. I ate only to keep myself alive.

I just weighed myself for the first time since I've been sober. I weigh 136 pounds. I've gained 16 pounds in 74 days. That's 4.63 pounds a day. Holy shit. I took a deep breath before I stepped on the scale expecting to see 140 or higher. I was relieved when I saw 136, but quickly felt disappointed and upset.

My weight has been an issue for nearly 2 decades now. My thigh gap closed right before Christmas. My jeans are starting to get tighter. In October my smallest jeans were getting to be super baggy on me and I didn't like how that looked, but I loved how I looked in leggings or yoga pants.

I still have the desire to be that thin again. But I know that without being in active addiction it may not be possible. Honestly that's what made me relapse before. And it's scary to think that it might make me relapse again. I don't want to relapse, but I don't want to be fat.

I have put my body in starvation mode so many times and for such long periods, I'm sure I've fucked up my metabolism.

I don't want to set restrictions on my eating as far as saying, "okay, no sweets, only x amount of calories a day, etc." But I have to admit I'm looking forward to living on my own and buying my own food. Because I know I'll only have healthy food which will help me lose weight. I feel like living on my own will help me relapse into my eating disorder.

And that terrifies and excites me at the same time.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

“After awhile you could get used to anything.”

— Albert Camus

[itsaheavenleeworld]

I've been feeling so uninspired lately. I want to write but I don't want to ramble on about nonsense that doesn't even matter.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

One of the most satisfying feelings in life is one day realizing that something that used to hurt in the past (either physically or emotionally) doesn’t hurt anymore.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

it’s so disturbing to think back and realize the stuff you allowed people to do to you simply because you didn’t respect yourself enough to not let it happen

[itsaheavenleeworld]

the most irritating moments of my life is morning alarm

[itsaheavenleeworld]

I love people who teach me something new. Expand my mind. Talk to me about the universe. Share your dreams with me. Take me on a mental trip.

[itsaheavenleeworld]

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[itsaheavenleeworld]

My mind is all over the place so this post is everywhere. Good luck following along.

People brag about never being sober as if it's something to be proud of. I can't lie, I used to think I was cool because I was fucked up for 6 months straight.

But Monday became Tuesday and one second I was making a toast for the new year and the next it was Easter. Before I knew it Halloween was here again and I just stared in a mirror asking myself how I let it get this bad. All the things I did, the people who came in and out of my life, the adventures I went on...it was the best of times and the worst of times.

Any addict will tell you, regardless of their drug of choice, that the come down is the worst part. They're desperate to get their next fix, usually not even comphrending the fact that they have a problem or how much their life has spun out of control. If you have the audacity to bring it to their attention, they rage. Because they're addicted to a substance that takes the pain away. That makes them not care about what they're doing. They think they have it under control and that they are doing so good for themselves. Ask them when was the last time they spent a day with their extended family? When was the last time they got a paycheck or a w2? When was the last time they were in a car and didn't have anxiety about getting pulled over?

God, reflecting on my past makes me sick. I became the person I promised I would never be.

It didn't happen overnight. One day it was a Thursday in April and before I knew it I was staring at myself in the mirror on Thanksgiving asking myself when it got so bad. When did I let myself go? Where did I go wrong? What can I do to get a grasp on reality.

One day I was a 20 year old ready to conquer the world. I could have been anything I wanted. At that point the worst trouble I had ever been in was getting detention for not doing my homework in 6th grade. I was supposed to move to California. I was supposed to have my star on the Walk of Fame. I could have owned my own empire, been the CEO of a multi billion dollar organization, or even ran for president of the United States. The world was in the palm of my hands.

I blinked and suddenly I was 23, convicted of two misdemeanors (one is expunged off my record), two felonies, and facing life in prison for my third, fourth, and fifth felonies.

How. Did. I. Let. It. Get. So. Bad?

I still don't have any reasonable answer to that question. How? When? Why? Where? What did I do?

I was 20 when I stopped going to college, 21 when my drinking was so out of control even being on probation for a DUI couldn't save me, 22 when my past caught up to me, 23 when I relapsed, and 24 when I weighed my options and knew that it was time to get sober once and for all.

I tried doing it all on my own. I painted this glamorous picture for everyone to see what a fairytale I made my life seem to be. I thrived on the envy of others. I needed to feel important, I needed people to know how much I could handle so gracefully. I demanded attention everywhere I went (okay, sometimes I still do that 💁). I required those around me to focus only on my positive qualities, and God forbid you have the nerve to speak ill of me, I'd make you regret that day for as long as you should live.

Eventually I started to break and crumble and eventually shatter. I couldn't keep up this image any longer. The lies, the deception, the things I stole whether it be materialistic or your time or memories...it weighed on me so heavily and I was so fucking depressed every damn day.

Anyways, back to my main point... I'm all over the place right now, my apologies.

If you think that being under the influence is the way to go, more power to you. I can preach to you all damn day, but I've been in your shoes and I know you won't listen. I sure as hell didn't. But I can guarantee you that you won't be happy. I promise you that you will feel defeated, worthless, pathetic, lonely and miserable. It may not be today, tomorrow, or even this year. But if you continue to live the lifestyle of 'live fast, die young' you will get no where and only achieve brief moments of false happiness. Do not misunderstand what I am saying, I do NOT wish any of that on even my worst enemies. But 10 out of 10 addicts, regardless if your addiction is drugs or alcohol, get to that point. It's the most gut wrenching, soul crushing thing you could possibly imagine.

There is a way to avoid it though.

Be smart, like I once was, get educated. Nothing is sexier to me than a man who has a large vocabulary. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone give you limits about what you can and can not accomplish. Don't think that you can fuck around and not get caught up. It took me seven years to realize that "having a little fun" became a full blown addiction that stole everything from me. My addictions cost me my freedom, my career, my health, my happiness, my education, literally hundreds of thousands of dollars, I've lost precious time with the ones I love the most, my self respect, my ambition, my drive, my hope, and at times...almost my life. I have almost died as a result of my addictive behavior multiple times, whether it was from a suicide attempt to my heart failing.

Something greater than myself saved my life though and because of that I owe everything to my higher power, my Lord.

I pray every day that someone takes my messages to heart. I pray that God delivers more and more people from the never ending cycle.

Alcoholics Anonymous said it best...our addictions are cunning, baffling, and powerful.

With all that being said, while you're bragging about never being sober and treating your body like garbage, I'm gonna be over here, living a life full of joy, happiness, knowledge, excitement, love, opportunity, support, and peace. Anyone can have what I have, you just have to want it. Because I guarantee once you get a taste of the good life, you'll never want to go back. People ask me if I miss it, and honestly? I think about drinking from time to time. And immediately after I think about it I feel nauseous. I nearly throw up when I hear the word meth. That lifestyle disgusts me and I want no part of it.

Thank u, next.