itsadarkdarkplace - Tumblr blog

[itsadarkdarkplace]

For real though. Like you can’t actually like me and be nice to me lol

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I made a tinder account because shelby said if i hyper focus on missing Max I'll never move on (paraphrasing) but I'm really not interested in anyone else like I didnt wanna date anyone before him and I don't really wanna be talking to anyone else

It feels inappropriate to miss him but everything else feels inappropriate too

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I started spending all my time with you

[itsadarkdarkplace]

Yes, I agree we are completely rushed but I also feel like this came out nowhere, I didn’t expect anything and neither did you.  I think we should have spoken more about where this was going and established a label even if it wasn’t official titles. I’ve never been one to establish boundaries or space and I always dive right into things and get stuck with people I don’t want to be with which is something I’ve sworn to change. I said had you not been leaving I wouldn’t have spent consecutive days with you the way we did because that’s a boundary I need to set for own growth. I think that the distance is a way to make us go slow if we decide to do the long-distance. The distance was the best part of my last relationship because it forced me to have my own life which obviously I was loosing running to you for everything I wanted to do because I want to spend my time with you. I’ve been a girlfriend more in the last 10 years than I haven’t. I naturally slip into that role when I’m comfortable and I was really excited to be that with you. In hindsight, I can see I came on really strong which is my bad but I’m not apologizing for just something I need to be aware of and tone down.

Are you struggling to adjust to being in PB without being with her? Because I can’t imagine how hard that is. Every relationship I’ve been freed from felt so good to leave behind. My don friend split with his girlfriend of 3 years last summer and it was so hard for him to be in North bay he dropped out and went to college in his hometown instead of finishing at Nipissing. So from knowing that I can sympathize but not empathize. One of the things I was wary about was that you’re fresh out of a relationship because despite what you said you felt and only being a couple of months that shit fucks you up and I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a year. I understand needing the time to fully let those things heal up and close over. I like to support you to the best of my ability if you’ll let me in.

I understand being in communication like you spent years with her which is why I get so bitter about Ryan dropping our friendship because he got a new gf. I’m the type to make long term relationships so for me knowing you dated Erica for years it makes sense to me that you still care about her and would speak to her in the future. I wouldn’t understand not talking to her because I think if she reached out and you guys started talking again that would be part of the closure or whatever. I’ve been friends with most of my exs after breakups and all of them shouldn’t have been relationships but flings.

Do you want to take a step back and continue seeing each other or just friends? I do want to continue seeing each other, even if the only label we give it is that we’re seeing each other and no one else but taking it slow because liking you is something I’m sure of and I don’t want to rush into something just to realize I’m making the same mistake I’ve made every other time. As long as you’re willing to be open and honest and communicate thoughts/feelings and whatnot with me consistently I’m interested in continuing.

[itsadarkdarkplace]

Yes, I agree we are completely rushed but I also feel like this came out nowhere, I didn't expect anything and neither did you.  I think we should have spoken more about where this was going and established a label even if it wasn’t official titles. I've never been one to establish boundaries or space and I always dive right into things and get stuck with people I don’t want to be with which is something I've sworn to change. I said had you not been leaving I wouldn’t have spent consecutive days with you the way we did because that’s a boundary I need to set for own growth. I think that the distance is a way to make us go slow if we decide to do the long-distance. The distance was the best part of my last relationship because it forced me to have my own life which obviously I was loosing running to you for everything I wanted to do because I want to spend my time with you. I've been a girlfriend more in the last 10 years than I haven’t. I naturally slip into that role when I'm comfortable and I was really excited to be that with you. In hindsight, I can see I came on really strong which is my bad but I'm not apologizing for just something I need to be aware of and tone down.

Are you struggling to adjust to being in PB without being with her? Because I can't imagine how hard that is. Every relationship I've been freed from felt so good to leave behind. My don friend split with his girlfriend of 3 years last summer and it was so hard for him to be in North bay he dropped out and went to college in his hometown instead of finishing at Nipissing. So from knowing that I can sympathize but not empathize. One of the things I was wary about was that you're fresh out of a relationship because despite what you said you felt and only being a couple of months that shit fucks you up and I've never been in a relationship longer than a year. I understand needing the time to fully let those things heal up and close over. I like to support you to the best of my ability if you'll let me in.

I understand being in communication like you spent years with her which is why I get so bitter about Ryan dropping our friendship because he got a new gf. I'm the type to make long term relationships so for me knowing you dated Erica for years it makes sense to me that you still care about her and would speak to her in the future. I wouldn’t understand not talking to her because I think if she reached out and you guys started talking again that would be part of the closure or whatever. I've been friends with most of my exs after breakups and all of them shouldn’t have been relationships but flings.

Do you want to take a step back and continue seeing each other or just friends? I do want to continue seeing each other, even if the only label we give it is that we're seeing each other and no one else but taking it slow because liking you is something I'm sure of and I don’t want to rush into something just to realize I'm making the same mistake I've made every other time. As long as you're willing to be open and honest and communicate thoughts/feelings and whatnot with me consistently I'm interested in continuing.

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I guess I should draft something to start motivating myself to confront him

Hey so this weeks been really hard for me with not talking and stuff so I just want to start i guess by asking if you're still interested in me and making the long distance work? I tried to respectfully give you space because you gave me warning that you were going to be busy busy but receiving the complete opposite of what I was used to from you was an excruciating shock. I've been really bothered by the change in behavior/communication and I've been doing my best to let you settle in, be with your friends and deal with orientation week but being ignored/left on read and getting dry af responses doesn't work for me 😔 I know you said you and your ex almost broke up last year because of how busy you were from orientation but like you post stuff and are on your phone which is frustrating because I'm hearing next to nothing from you and can't even get even a short conversation. You know that I'm clingy but I don't have to text all day everyday although I do need little reassurances throughout the day or at least a few times a week. I feel foolish for having to draft this message but I'm seriously so lost on where I stand with you 😔 if this is done let me know so I can stop getting in my head and bouncing back and forth about everything. I know we didn't establish what we were before you left other than being a "thing" but I like you and im very confused right now. Even when you were home and we weren't hanging out I was second guessing shit but I was getting enough reassurance about it being real and not me just being into you and exaggerating everything:/

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I can’t help but overthink and feel insecure. I know Max (Rivas) reassured me we were a thing before he left for school and also that he would be super busy for the first two weeks or whatever but I feel so left in the dark. I feel foolish for posting a picture of us together even though I did it because I was on a cloud nine after our day together. It’s embarrassing if I’m being honest. I am so positive about us when we are together but once I’m apart from him I second guess everything. 

I’ve been getting basically nothing in terms of contact over the distance which makes me question more and wonder if I did something and if we’re still a “thing”. eSpEcIaLlY since i keep getting left on fUCKing read all the time. Shelby keeps suggesting just giving the space and letting it be but i want answers and reassurance. like i assume hes moved on because I barely get enough response to keep our snap streak alive. I dont get texts back and i am bLeSsEd with a single snap every day. In hindsight I couldve asked what to expect because what i had was nothing like this and now im sitting here once again ready for tears over a man who I was thinking of fucking. thank the Lord I didnt have sex with him because this would be a thousand times worse every second.

I wouldnt stop myself from spending time with him just ask the right questions so i could better prepare myself for basically being dropped because THIS FUCKING SUCKS and I keep having to talk myself out of moving on. I keep telling myself to let things be but I dont even want attention at this point I just want to know if were still a thing or if im correct with everything im beating myself up over. I was gonna ask today but after being ignored for 3 hrs the message is pretty damn fucking clear. BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW. 

men aint shit and im really upset with myself for letting him in and allowing myself to get played. i kinda just wanna bawl my eyes out and move on. I cant even say i miss him because im drowning in my own warped thoughts and feelings. i feel bad talking about it again and again because its literally been like 6 days and we were only a thing for 12 but holy i am so fucked up in the moment over this boy, idk what to do

i hate that i told anyone but im also glad because I wouldnt be able to talk about it otherwise.

[itsadarkdarkplace]

Since I wrote this I've never felt more free. I am not all confused when we talk and I don't feel compelled to reach out.

[itsadarkdarkplace]

All alone I watch you watch her She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen How is it you never notice That you are slowly killing me

[itsadarkdarkplace]

[itsadarkdarkplace]

More people are concerned with why women stay in abusive relationships than why men are abusing women

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I’m tired of associating myself with people who make me question my importance

[itsadarkdarkplace]

There are so many things on my mind that I’ve been thinking about laying in bed instead of sleeping. It started with the silent fear of such a pointless existence. It baffles part of me that I exist so simply while others are restless and bored during this quarantine. Then I think about all the scary aspects of life that genuinely make me wonder what is the point in being alive? We all joke about being dead inside but I going through the motions of everyday life as a hollow shell, is that really how we all feel? It makes me wonder how far I am to disassociating. Is that why I’ve blacked out so much of my life? I almost remember nothing of my childhood except a few things here and there. For a while I had no recollection of my sister existing but now, I can picture her room in our first house in Barrie but I don’t have any real memory of her. Is my hippocampus faulty? Or is my amygdala deciding my experiences are either emotionally shallow or far too arousing? I’ve been relatively numb for as long as I can remember, which I guess isn’t saying much. Maybe that’s why it bothered me so much when Terry told me I lacked empathy during Behind Closed Doors. It took me this long to realize he was talking about in the scenario he was ‘guiding’ me with but somehow, I applied it to my entire life. I’ve had conversations with a friend about whether or not I had sociopathic traits because it feels that way but then my actions counter act those thoughts and I’m left wondering if that’s just how I learned to behave. Terry is a shitty counsellor from what I’ve heard anyway. I wish real therapy wasn’t expensive. I’d love to work my shit out and manage some ACTUAL personal growth and find validation for how I feel. I’d love to decode and retrain myself away from the daddy issues, the abandonment/commitment issues and stop fucking up my life. Am I suffering from chronic stress from carrying so much weight on my own? Yes, I know my friends are here to support me…. If only I could open up about shit and actually make a lasting emotional connection. How do people do such things? I obviously have people I trust and can express things to, from behind a screen, but how do girls go to sleepovers and bond? I am really good at maintaining friendships and checking in when needed even if I fail to appropriately support those in need. I accept that I’m still learning and that ill be learning the rest of my life but sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve done enough and the reassuring myself I’ve done my best doesn’t change anything. I just have to brush it off and move on. In a one on one session with Kody, he pointed out that I’m the supporter at home and I think it applies to the rest of my life too. I actively chose to not let people see messier sides to me when I can which I think hinders my ability to bond with others. Fuck I need an assessment. I can’t even express the way I feel as being lost because how can you be lost on your way to no destination? I’m so numb or in control that I can’t even express proper emotion when I need to. My ‘best friend’ telling me she was pregnant -oh cool. Her miscarriage- oh no. Like when ever I need to deal with a situation, I have to consult the group chat because I don’t have the responses to conduct the interaction. Its like how NPC can only say the same six things or whatever in a video game.

Is it possible to spend as much as I have on a university education and feel less intelligent? I feel like college was such a better educational experience where I actually absorbed the content I was exposed to. Lectures (except for some of Renee’s and Andrews) feel like I’m staring into nothingness. Even if I take notes, I couldn’t tell you what we talked about in class that day without looking up the information. I never write anything so my academic writing skills have gone to shit and my ability to collect my thought to write something is diminishing. My recall memory for psych info is basically non existent, ask me anything I probably don’t know. Unless you want to know stupid random shit like rats can’t throw up. Part of me regrets taking biopsych because it was a challenging class which ruined all other classes for me. Stats with Peter should be illegal. Psychopathology wasn’t worth waking up for, also supposed to be a bird class and yet I can’t get more than a 67 with steven to save my gpa like excuse me? Psych disorders in children was a reflection of psychopath but like in depth shit about children dry and boring but yes, a bird course. Superheroes lacked structure and therefore was a class discussion for Renee to hear our opinions on her thoughts. Honestly this class had so much potential but it lacked content. I gained the slightest bit out of this course. And Fire was a fucking mess since day one so we wont even go there. Just asking Renee for a 90 I’m not sure I deserve. Nothing compares to learning about the function of the brain and actually having interest in studying the content. I would like to point out I didn’t study for the 2nd psych disorders midterm other than looking over the review 3 (?) times and did quite well. Summer semester is probably going to be shit but at least osap updated and isn’t overpaying me by $17,000 because that was a little scary despite knowing why the overpayment was there. Can’t wait to pay 600/month to pay back that bad boy. What the fuck am I going to do with my degree?

[itsadarkdarkplace]

Pandemic 2020

[itsadarkdarkplace]

rooted

by Denny Bitte

[itsadarkdarkplace]

[itsadarkdarkplace]

I feel like every time I put out you forget how to love me