itsabisnail-blog

[itsabisnail-blog]

how to be a friend

(the following is a lot of word vomit of things that have happened recently and that I need to get out in writing--furthermore, despite the title of this, it will not be a how to, that’s just a catchy title--seriously though if you are looking for advice this ain’t it, I’m not even sure any of this makes sense but I had to put it out there somewhere.  hopefully there will be a follow up to this but who knows??)

I recently found out that my best friend is suicidal.  She voluntarily admitted herself into an inpatient psychiatric hospital for students.  This all occured under a week ago, but I have been aware of her battles with depression and anxiety since last spring when my suitemate and I found out she was self harming.  I think though that I knew about her struggle with mental health before that.  Her coping mechanisms with stress were/are to completely be silent and avoid interaction with anyone.  On days that she would decide to not talk, if I spoke to her, she would respond in the lowest volume she possibly could.  In the fall, I could clearly see how much and anxiety she had.  It wasn’t until spring when we started to get really busy because of our athletic season that I saw much worse.  That sounds too dramatic, it wasn’t like a switch.  At first it happened gradually, she would be crazy and funny one night--procrastinating work and talking about how she didn’t want to do it and joking about dropping out of school.  Then everyday was a day she didn’t want to talk.  It was never like in movies or shows, how they portray people who wouldn’t get out of bed.  It was like she would put off all her work until she physically couldn’t finish it then go to a library until 2 am to work.  She put off so much work that she had to sacrifice nights with the team or fun things we would do on the weekends sometimes.  During this time, our teammates would come up to me asking if she was okay or telling me that I should tell her to go to bed or make her come back from the library as if I had that much power over her.  

It was part way into season that I notcied some cuts on her arm and I asked her about them.  She lied and I let her get away with it even though I didn’t believe it.  I think I didn’t want her to not trust me and hide more stuff.  A few days later, a teammate came up to me and said she needed to talk to me about my friend.  She had noticed the cuts as well.  At this time, my friend had been seeing a therapist through the school for a while and so I emailed her, still thoroughly unsure of what to do.  Cut to a week later when it all came out that she had been self harming through a series of events that I can’t get into.

It led to a lot of honesty between me and her.  She told us everything that had happened--or what I thought was everything but definitely wasn’t because now that I know more, I know that she is a master of hiding.  

From then though, she seemed more open with us (us being me and my suitemate at the time--we were and still are extremely close).  So now that we have the background slightly laid out, we can flash forward to present day.  Less than a week ago she informed my old suitemate and I that she was being admitted to a hospital for her safety.  This led me to assume she was suicidal (a correct assumption).  I was hysterical.  I’m not really sure how I was supposed to react, but maybe I was being too crazy and too upset, I don’t know.  My suitemate got a bit annoyed with me, but maybe there just is no good way to respond to that.  We didn’t find out anything more that night, but I was sad and wanted to cry all day and skipped one of my classes to run through the events that had led up to this decision.  

1. She hadn’t been acting like she had last semester.  She seemed happier more consistently.  But she was just hiding it better I guess.  I’m not sure if I should have seen through it, but I guess I was under the impression that this was an improvement from last year and we were on the right track. 2. She had just started on antidepressants.  3.  She had to switch to a new therapist.  4. Her parents, who she doesn’t have the most open relationship with, had just been in town for a weekend.

The next day I was exhausted from giving my energy to thinking about her constantly and wonderinf if I had some part to play in all of it thinking about my interactions with her and the conversations we’d had before.  I wanted everything to stop moving, everyone to stop going about their lives, assignments to stop being assigned to I could collect myself.  So that I could have a day where I didn’t have to think or breathe or move and I could cry and lay in bed and try to figure out what the fuck happened.

I say all this like it happened so long ago.  This all literally happened this week.  I didn’t know how I felt when it happened then and I don’t know how I feel now five days later.  This week has felt like it is YEARS long.  Since Monday I have talked to her several times over the phone and visited her once.  While I have some clarity over the situation now, I am still confused.  I recognize that I am fortunate enough to not have to go through what she is going through.  I don’t know what it means to be severly depressed or have crippling anxiety or want to kill myself.  I am learning about a lot of this as it occurs.  And I know that me trying to figure out or pinpoint exactly what caused this is futile.  It’s hard to just accept that this occured without some singular thing triggering it but I know that mental health is not exact or some one size fits all type thing.

Now I said this wouldn’t be a how to and it’s not because I feel like I may be the least qualified to offer advice on this subject.  I’m still learning, I am still dealing with all of this.  I don’t have any advice.  I know that I am trying to be supportive and understand what she is going through it a way that is not pushy to her.  I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.  She is one of the funniest people I know and we are even funnier together.  I am trying to educate myself while not putting her in the position that she needs to educate me.  And I am trying to be understanding and empathetic despite my own personal ability to relate to the severity of what she is going through.  I am still struggling with how I come in and if I will ever be able to see that she is going through a depressive episode and how I tell someone about that.  There is so much I don’t know and so much I am confused about and I want to be there for her the best I can.  

There is no conclusive end to this story and no tragic or happy ending either.  This will be constant and something she always deals with and for as long as I know her I hope I can be someone who is there for her in some capacity.  Who knows what will happen the rest of this school year?  Who knows what will happen next year?  I guess, all I can do is show her that I’m here.  Just show up.  Or something like that.