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[ithinkyourehuman]

B4jing kamu, s0eharto.

I thought I have known a lot of unrequited love.

A boy who loves a girl who doesn't love him back.

A parent who loves a child who doesn't love them back.

A friend who loves a friend who doesn't love them back.

Eksil showed me another side.

A man who loves a country.. who doesn't love him back.

They studied to become a better person for their country.

But they did not reap what their patience sowed.

I can't imagine having to change your citizenship just to visit your home country.

It's as if, you needed to fake becoming another person that isn't you.. just to be accepted by your beloved.

How hurtful is that? After all those years of waiting? Surviving all on your own in a foreign place?

After you did.. nothing?

How fair is it to be silently treated like that?

Some successfully went back.. just to check in with the life they unwillingly abandoned.

Some were still threatened while they're back.

But there are those who didn't make it.

"Indonesia sejak dulu kala // Selalu dipuja-puja bangsa"

It knocks me how some ungrateful people consciously use our kindness for their own good.

There is so many things you can puja but look at you know..

"Tenagaku, bahkan pun jiwaku // Kepadamu, rela ku beri"

Afterall, this is my motherland.

"Disana, tempat lahir beta // Dibuai, dibesarkan bunda"

What would I do not living with you?

[ithinkyourehuman]

2022: In Review

It may be too early to review the year; but to heck with it, Spotify was Wrapped at the start of December and everyone’s still happy about it!

In contrast to what people expect: 2022 was definitely not 2020 too- at least for me. Here are several new points that I learnt so hard the past year:

1. Carpe diem I was a crazy hustler as a university student. I tried to achieve as much as possible, neglecting my utmost important duty as a student. I focused on a lot of extracurricular instead. Every minute matters to me. Heck, I even count how many minutes I took to climb the stairs at every uni building! Unfortunately, this raging lifestyle lasts even after college. With a lot of friendship circles I gathered through college, I revisit my friends almost every week, I attended a gig almost every month. All for the sake of not disappointing my friends and looking forward to fun surprises and moments I may be able to create with my friends. It keeps on happening until this guy came and taught me a very valuable lesson: carpe diem. You can enjoy life. You do not have to rush. That guy made me sit and talk about a lot of things in a lot of hours. Time passed by and I sit still. There was not one second that I wanted it to end. At first, I was confused. I wanted to fight the instinct! It was all angry but happy but warm but nonsense at the same time. The process was so painful that I had to visit a doctor cause I had endless gastritis for the whole month. (P.S. This guy is now on a great relationship with my friend. I’m so happy that he found someone who could cater his need. I’m also grateful that I knew now why God let him enter my life - it was all for a good reason afterall!). Before I me this guy, I thought ‘living in the moment’ means that you enjoy every activity that you create. Today, my take on ‘living in the moment’ was to enjoy the process. This past month (ever since the hurtful gojek hike xD), I’ve been taking bus going back and forth to work. The time I spend walking to the bus stop, the time I spend waiting for the bus, the time I spend at the bus, the time I spend walking home. It took me twice the time I could’ve saved if I was riding a personal vehicle/gojek, but I find joy in that. In commuting. In seeing a glimpse of other people’s life passing by. In spending time thinking about nothing while the bus slowly - but carefully - drop me to the nearest stop from home. The low fee, the convenience, and the time privilege was all worth it - public transport somehow made me feel so alive.

Which brings us to the second point. 2. (I think) I listen better now. Before I become a part of my current office, I take conversations for granted. I will talk to you if there’s a curiosity I need you to answer. Look, I empathize with you, I take notes on your life updates, but unfortunately I need to spend my time ‘wisely’ to something else more productive than just talking to a friend.

Boy.. was I wrong. Until this day, I still don’t enjoy talking very much. Especially to people who - I don’t think - genuinely cares about me (I think I have a trauma on this). But in office, you need to build connections. You need to build a sense of closeness.. and you can’t really close your eyes (ears, to be exact) because you wouldn’t know what surprises would come from your conversation partner!

My favorite part is to make them talk about themselves. It’s so good that you can continue the conversation without having you to spill part about yourselves that you’re not comfortable on. Occasionally, one or two facts about you would be necessary to create a delusion of closeness (a person with high ego who only needs to be listened to won’t need this :D) - just for the sake of it.

3. You have to feel better too. Not everyone is born cold-hearted like me. Not everyone was educated to be able to say what’s on their mind instantly. Some people can’t say what they wanted to say and it’s not their fault. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe the situation does not ‘feel like it’, maybe there’s other concerns you can’t guess.. maybe it’s you.

But you don’t need to worry. If the information it’s meant for you, it will make its way through.

Happy holidays.

[ithinkyourehuman]

On my journey of self-discovery #2: Human

Doctor Who helped me realize another thing I love most: human.

Human, with its inexplicable, ridiculous emotions (and ego) that drives them.

I love them because I can't seem to find pattern on them.

Everyone's life is just so unique- with their respective nature, nurture, and choices they make.

The inexistence of pattern is what makes it beautiful. Otherwise, I suppose it would be boring.

I believe human will continue to surprise me.

[ithinkyourehuman]

On my journey of self-discovery #1: Pattern

I'm starting this series because of quarter-life crisis;

I think it's finally time for me to get to know myself better.

Most times, I would like to be undefined, unexpected;

people's expectations on me might become a burden- I wish not to have them.

But today, I wish I could learn myself more. What things am I interested at?

I like patterns.

How do you figure patterns out?

1. Strip things down (this is also what I like to do!)

2. Put it in a probability model

3. Keep things that makes sense

4. Discover conditions (including exclusions).

See? I just figured out a pattern by myself.

What's more, I just realized this whole blog is just me blurting out theories (patterns) for me (or others) to crosscheck with a more universal and widely-accepted theories out there.

Maybe that's also why I find programming fun.. it's all about the pattern. Especially on programming, finding one feels like solving a puzzle- yikes!

Let's figure out more patterns in this world~

[ithinkyourehuman]

On women’s right to have kids

The nature of procreation is rooted so innately in all of us. It’s within our biological interest to preserve the future of our species.   Generally speaking, most people would want to have kids. Who doesn’t? Their bubbly, joyful laughter, their thought-provoking questions, their small, hopeful eyes, and isn’t being a parent, witnessing one’s intellect on things that seems small to us, growing day by day, is the best thing ever? I said it once and I’ll say it again: I believe having a kid is selfish. A kid never chose to be born, but can you promise a kid the future they deserve? Will you mold them the way you want it to - or theirs? Do you want a kid or do you want your legacy to live on? Do you just need someone to look after you when you’re no longer able to? Indeed. I believe having a kid is great, if their parents will be responsible, if their parents will provide for them, physically and mentally. I believe not having a kid is great, if you can’t bear to teach your kid how shitty world can be. A certain influencer just expressed her interest in not having one. It gets viral- in the world where such choice is considered taboo. I’m not surprised;  my parents won’t like it either. You know what else don’t surprise me? I see a lot of people responding to it negatively - specifically, males - Including my close friend. Today, the cost of having a kid is not only on the idea of procreation itself. In the world where we’re encouraged to dream, having a kid also means you’re balancing them both. In the world where working 9-5-5 is a dream, they may not receive the amount of love they deserve. Not to mention, can your sanity  carry another soul other than you? Human, with the nature they’re blessed with, we’ll choose their own means to survive and live their hellish days in this old, deteriorating world. You can’t impose your own standard to the other. We just need to find our role, know our place, and live our best.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Enabled

We need to know that we can control ourselves. It gives you so much power on being a human.

You can have your purpose.

You can have your destiny - any way you want it.

Becoming an anonymous gives you that sense of being enabled. You're able to do something, worry-free. They can't track it back to you, but you know it's you. You did it.

Becoming a housewive enables you to explore whatever it is out there without having too much concern (this one depends- perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side).

Maybe we just like playing pretend and becoming a bigger version of ourselves.

Maybe that's what they called 'confidence', driven so much by your God-knows-how-big ego.

Having choices is a form of enabling.

Talking to your boss, you must propose choices, and allowing them to choose whichever knowing those choices have been tailored to fit your capability.

Talking to your customer, you must propose choices, giving them a sense of fake enabling that will boost their confidence and comfort with you.

Most importantly? Enable yourself. Know that you can, and you may.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Penjual Mimpi

Dulu aku pernah bertanya

mengapa kita terobsesi dengan fiksi?

Katanya karena kita suka berlari

dari hidup saat ini.

Maka hadirlah: penjual mimpi.

What do dreamsellers dream about?

Apakah penjual mimpi

pernah bermimpi

bekerja di dunia mimpi?

[ithinkyourehuman]

No.

I loved copywriting. Creating contents, finding the catchy words, and seeing the market's response.

After doing it intensively back on my college's summer holiday, I quit (for quite some time).

I was burnt out. I no longer have the 'creative energy' required to do it. I was so fed up.

Then I landed my first job in marketing. Didn't do a lot of it... but it didn't drive me.

Until I got this job that I've never imagined before- to study.

I was struggling. Didn't know how exactly to 'study', spent my whole life playing.

Then they told me to design again. Felt so good, I remember why I liked it! I know I wasn't good but I didn't care- I FEEL good.

Then it got too much then I feel burnt out again. Much like a writer's block.

Quite the same as how much that I like dancing and playing music. I didn't care how bad I was, how long does it take for me to master a song (crappily).. but I do it again. But I can't do it too much.

That's when I realize: I need them for my way to take a break; to escape.

Tell me what's the difference between a hobby and a passion- or perhaps this time- a blister?

[ithinkyourehuman]

Purpose

I have come to think that human have two purpose in life: to learn and to teach.

We are selfish in that way- we want to have children so we could continue our legacy in earth. Growing up, we don’t have much left to learn. What we’re learning is how to teach someone else what we’ve learnt. And the perfect audience is our own child. Joe Gardner in Soul (2020) found that 22 fits better in the world than he is- there’s still so much left to learn for 22, and not him. He’s achieved what he thought is his purpose- unless he realized that’s just a goal. What happened after you’ve achieved your goal? 

[ithinkyourehuman]

The Righteous Mind - Jonathan Haidt

[ithinkyourehuman]

Online interaction

I hated it.

Offline interaction takes sooo much energy already. I know how it feels like to talk with someone not excited to see you- I make sure I put forth my energy when I'm interacting with others.

But I barely have any offline interaction now. I need to work out how my online interaction could be as heartwarming.

I'm trying. And thank you for letting me.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Dongeng Cinta: Ceuk Aing (2020)

Cinta tidak pernah menjanjikan kebahagiaan. Yang menjanjikan kebahagiaan itu kesedihan.

Mencari yang kita cari justru dengan tidak mencarinya. Tuhan hanya kau temui ketika kau sedang tidak mencarinya.

Berbuat baik.

Racuni sungai, rusak ladang, negara akan bangkit, selama bahasanya masih ada (orang Jawa sudah mati).

Sejoli itu cita-citanya bukan bersatu tapi berdua.

*setelah menyebutkan banyak cerita yg ada Hanoman* Hanoman masih ada karena pengarangnya lupa membunuhnya.

Kenapa cinta tidak dikenali lagi? Pedang yang terhunus tetap pedang. Cinta yang terhunus menjadi benci.

Senyumlah senyum kehidupan (hidup hanya menunda kekalahan).

Ketika aku mencium kamu, yang aku cium adalah harapanku utk kamu (aku mencium diriku sendiri).

[ithinkyourehuman]

Weak spot

We are free to choose what we want to share on our social media.

Whether its to embrace our vulnerability, or not showing it at all. I think thats why the memes on loneliness is a popular topic, because everybodys been through it.

But nothing makes it wrong to share what you feel. When a person does share it, then to help may not always be the case.

Everybody has a weak spot they allow to be seen to a select number of people. Appreciate that trust.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Emotions are learned.

My senior in theatre class taught me that you have to know your emotions. You have to know how you feel so you can react accordingly -and only then we can talk about the proper response.

Dear human, it's okay to feel, it's only natural to be afraid of what you don't know. Embrace.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Ask the right questions

Listening is a good skill. Trainable. Gets you places. But to ask the right questions? Undescribable! It takes luck, wit, and sincerity. (not sure if you can practice this)

It’s amazing how the right questions can remind the power people might’ve forgotten.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Be

There’s this colleague at work who preferred to be called “Koko” than “Sir”. So let’s do him a favor. He’s a middle-aged man. One of the smartest at work. Known as the first person to obtain a very well-known certificate that he became famous. He always found a good excuse to avoid bragging his kindness. He’s like a robot. He acts like he doesn’t care but he does. He dislikes crowds. He slid out of social events smoothly and nobody asks. He organizes his emails and its files, so much that he also regularly deletes unimportant emails. To hell with all the flowery words- he kept it concise and straight to the point; quite unlike the rest of the people in this country (and in this sector). On friendly days, he would lazily reply with “Haha”, “Hihi”, or cute stickers. But he replies. He sends his family out of the country so he can ensure a proper education for his child. He visits his family twice a year. I can only imagine his longing all year round. I never knew it was possible.  But he still does. The answer lays in your existence. It was never about what or how, it’s about who. Of you always wanting to be there for each other. Of you showing how you’re eager. Of you keeping your oaths true, cos love is much more bigger than just you. To all long-distancers out there, may God always bless you, your relationship, and your family, too.

[ithinkyourehuman]

Coping with ourselves

We mock ourselves not because we hate that certain aspect of our life.

Perhaps because we're embarassed and we can't escape it, perhaps it makes us feel unique, perhaps we know it's a good joke to help embrace the moment, or perhaps love always comes with a little grain of hate.

Love and hate is complementary, you are who you are until you are not.