ithinkitwasrukia

[ithinkitwasrukia]

STEFANIE

În 5 ani, o să termin facultatea, voi fii inginer. Voi prinde o ofertă de muncă în Franța și voi sta într-un apartament în Versailles.

La parterul blocului va fi o florărie de unde aș cumpăra mereu câte o plantă, să mențină viața în locuința asta prăfuită.

O să fie și un balcon, mare, cu ferestre verticale, numai bun pentru ați așeza chevalet-ul.

Am avea destul loc pentru artă, pentru poeziile mele scrise pentru tine înșirate pe pereți...

Ar fi loc pentru dimineți târzii și nopți albe,loc pentru un pătuț fix în dormitorul de lângă living...

Loc pentru "te iubesc" și "să ai grijă de tine"...

Ar fi locul perfect pentru tine Panseluța mea frumoasă.

Ai putea să faci facultatea aici și să ne deschidem florăria noastră, să mă auzi dimineața cum îți cânt în timp ce îți fac cafeaua.

Am putea avea totul așa cum ți-ai dorit când erai doar o fetișcană...

Am putea avea tot.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

NIGHTMARES

It’s everywhere. I can feel her laughing behind my back at every mistake I make. I know she’s just waiting for me to fall again, hoping I’ll mess up.

She’s always in my head, I hear her comments with everything I say.

I can’t stand her, I let her stay there, I kept a piece of her.

Because of that, all that’s left are nightmares, because it was too hard to let her go, and now I’ll always have to remember why I should’ve done it.

How is it, my love, that all I can remember now are your words full of hate?

[ithinkitwasrukia]

CAN YOU ?

Drunk swiping on a dating app . On a Tuesday night after a few glasses of wine , looking for someone.

I'm looking for you, my love. I don't know if i will find you here , or in a messy coffee shop, or bump into you on the street like in those movies. All i know is that i will find you someday.

But I'm warning you , I'm just a mask , a hollow husk . At some point , bellow the beard , the buzzcut, and the bruised knuckles, lives a boy.

A fucked up and scared little boy, who tries to be "cool" like the kids he has seen in TV shows. He doesn't know where he is , or why his daddy took all his toys away. All he knows is that he has to play by the rules now and be a grown man , and that scares him. It scares him so much that he hides inside me , only a glimpse of him showing when he sees something beautiful, like when a bee flies by and lands on him, or the sun is shining in his face . Otherwise he is scared as fuck of people and pleads me to look scary so he wouldn't get hurt.

I hope , my love , that you can accept him , like you accept me . I will love you , only if you can love him.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

WHAT IS IT?

The need to let everything out , to let the pressure escape one way or another, this is what i always wanted to do trough this.

I was always scared that people will judge me, so i never did it as often as i wanted to. It was an intimate thing , and i always kepy it low-key.

I was never brave enough to admit it , " Yes , i did this myself, and i am not afraid that people will see it."

I saw it on other people since i was young. I found it an art. How could something so painful be so beautiful?

I need to do it right, i was never satisfied with what i've done . I need more . Often . Deeper.

And this time, i will do it right. As much as i want , everywhere i want and i won't give a shit if someone sees it. It's my art.

Now... i dont know if I'm talking about poetry or cutting myself.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Stray

I often associate myself with a stray cat.

A stray who is on their 9th life and refuses to domesticate , I'd rather chose death. Why settle down? Why finding someone to grow old with? I'd rather die in a ditch with a smile , if i can still do any mimic. I won't stop, if my disease catches up with me i won't be sad. I chose this.

I won't stop living because my aunt decided to pass this down to me, fuck screlosys and every doctor that tells me to stay safe.

My name is Rukia and i will never stop being this.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

April

It never felt so lonely. Back then i used to call it seasonal depression, now i think it's something more deep. It seems like the cold makes us colder too.

Some of us get togheter, little happy couples that enjoy the holidays togheter and peel tangerines for one another. Some fly to the warm countries , but how can you not enjoy this darkness that falls upon the whole world?

I'm waiting for April and her warmth , and i am wondering, what color will her eyes be this time? Is she warm enough to melt my aching heart and mend my soul? And most importantly, what will i do until then?

I guess I'll write a lot of poems about death and girls I never truly loved.

I never understood who i am, nevertheless , who am i until April comes around.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Olive

Now that I think about it, she knew what was coming, she knew she was going to leave, and I wouldn't see her again.

She distanced herself from me suddenly, like a rainstorm that comes out of nowhere, just when you're enjoying the sun.

I try to convince myself that she did it to protect me, so I wouldn't suffer as much as she probably did. I always wondered what I did wrong, and that confused me even more, because we were us, and we had always been that way, we had the same past, and wherever we ended up, we were meant to go through it together. There's just a little more to endure, one last year in which I've truly been alone.

I've lost people before, people I cared about deeply, but she was the dearest to me, a kind of redemption for all that had happened.

I hope that one day I'll understand you.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

The day the wine runs out

At the end of the day, Christmas is just a day when we waste food, call each other as if we haven't acted like jerks all year long.

It's that day when the wine runs out. The day when I think about what it would be like to open the door and see you, with snow in your hair and the same smile as before.

To welcome you into the house where, the last time you left, I didn’t hold you tight enough to my chest, the house where you would slam the door when we argued and burst into tears when the window shattered. You were scared I’d be upset, but I never was, just like I wasn't when my heart shattered the day we said goodbye.

Now, today, it’s just the day when the wine runs out.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

IT'S OKAY

As if that word could calm everything, you tell yourself "it's okay" when you feel a flood of tears forming under your eyes.

It's okay when you scratch your skin, hoping that this will stop the agitation, the noise in your head, the fear.

It's okay, it's the last glass, the last bottle, the last smoke, the last night like this.

Starting tomorrow, I'm clean, you try to convince yourself because there's no one else to convince, no one will believe it's the last time you go out with the bottle of vodka, or that it's the last pack of cigarettes you'll smoke in one night, no one believes you and it's OKAY.

After all, why would they? You've reached an addiction and people have gotten used to the fact that you're dependent, so it's okay,

you can do whatever you want.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Slut of the Sluts

You always told me that. You're a slut, i hope you don't cheat on me.

I mean i always got along better with girls, always knew what to say. It was a hard time making friends when i was young since i didn't like soccer and i was scared to punch or swear. I just tried to stand and be present in groups , without being part of them. Who knows what's wrong with me, i certainly not?

When you said it , it made me feel dirty and guilty. Like okay? Then ditch me .

Last night was different , she told me i was a hoe, and i laughed. She didn't take it so serious.

For her i was just a slut , a pretty one to specify .

And we kissed.