ithinkimsick2 - Tumblr blog

[ithinkimsick2]

uhh so im not sure how i feel now in relation to how i felt 2mo ago because i can't really remember even with the text posts. nowadays i think im just scared a lot. scared to think. im scared of difficult things. scared of people. and well it's kinda bad since difficult things and people are part of life. ive always been a bit scared of confrontation. im just very sensitive and scared of everything. dunno what much to do with myself. i guess too much time makes me think a lot.

[ithinkimsick2]

well...... time heals all, huh? im sleepy as hell but... i think things are better. funny how that works. i mostly forget about this page when im feeling more than mediocre, so i guess the long break means something. i mean, i still don't have many people to talk to but.... i think things are looking up. is this how normal people feel? not breaking down over a single task? i have like 4 tasks and i still feel like ... it will be okay. how odd

[ithinkimsick2]

I'm going to die or something. everything is too much. theres too many people. i can't deal with all of them. my brain can't do it. im anxious because im waiting for people to respond and I'm scared about what they will say or if they will say anything. help help help. no one will help me. ill die and everything will be okay. theres too many things and i can't do them all. im slipping for sure. I've been ignoring my feelings for 3 whole fucking months because of one whole person. and it's not your fucking fault its my fucking fault. i can't fucking go on but you don't deserve for me to be like this to you. for me to cut you out for no reason even though you basically cut me out but you have your reasons and i don't. and I'd get it if you never wanted to talk to me again. like id get that, i understand that, if you told me to fuck right off i would. i can accept if we'll never talk again. im okay with that but i wish i knew. i can't keep holding you where I'm holding you in my head. if i keep ignoring my feelings I'll explode. so what if i got attached really quick. its not love, I'm unhealthy

[ithinkimsick2]

yes i keep forgetting abt this blog idk

so like uhhhhh i think i tried to do too many people at once.?? like um definitely had a breakdown yesterday an shit and like still not ok but like bit more ok methinks. shit is really hard and like it makes me think it's not worth it. like life ain't worth it yknow like i won't be able to do it. and things will be bad. maybe i have really high standards or whatever, dunno. for myself mostly. like perfectionism, that's what i got. definitely i can't do many people. i could do like one person but i don't have that person yet so, that sucks. stressed cause im behind on shit cause my brain won't let me work. no one really wants to help me, i think, if it inconveniences them. i mean, that sucks but i guess it's how it is. i don't even like, miss him that much anymore. i think it'd just be awkward if we spoke again. not that i don't still want it to happen. i wonder if like, he just doesn't want to be friends anymore. if this was just like, some short lived little thing. or if im like, putting too much weight on it. i get that. im learning to accept things like that, that they're temporary. i think it taught me a lot, though, I'm still learning. i dunno. my friends are pretty important to me i guess.

feels like everything is too difficult. like im tired but i gotta keep going still cause there ain't no other choice. that's all.

[ithinkimsick2]

uhhhh i keep forgetting about this

i miss someone so i keep trying to reach out and grasp for other people but instead i keep thinking of the someone and wish it were them so then i feel bad. dunno really what to do now. no one's them.

[ithinkimsick2]

i really can feel jxyj

the Anxiety creeping up on me. i hate noises. there are some awful noises. and and. and i worry about people and i worry that im a bad person. and im scared of telling people cause i don't want them to feel bad but that's presumptuous of me that they'd even feel bad at all. sometimes iim gonna have s fucking heart attack. anyways. sometimes uh sometimes i ugh im gonna die and i don't know why. sometimes i feel a little bit alone. i mean it's alright, i tell that to myself. i. im damn tired as hell but i don't want to sleep. i don't want to perform i don't want to act. i want to bask in sometimes presence. i can't put forth the effort right now. i can't deal with uhhh expectations now. i want to have someone but also don't, right now. like im tired. but also alone. and unfortunately alive. i think i hate myself a lot of the time. im really tired and i can't talk but i wish i had someone. i feel stupid and pathetic most of the time. i wish i wasnt stupid and i didn't feel the way i do. i wish i could reach out to people but im scared im scared as hell and im scared of myself cause i hate myself and other people will hate me too if i show them. and i hate most other people and i want to find my person. and i might fail, i might be failing and falling into a fucking ditch or something. something that would leave me alone. all these people that i have to talk to to keep up appearances or something, im tired of it and the people i want to talk to won't. i don't want to be alone but i feel lonely even when im with people, like i cant really connect with any of them at all. i think i could but i don't like any of them. they're tiring to me. i feel like.... like maybe i attach too easily when someone meets my standard. i can't open up to people, they expect me to be a certain way.

[ithinkimsick2]

blegh

[ithinkimsick2]

"don't know what i mean to you and can't confront what you mean to me" is such a raw line, i think. im so literary. literature kid

[ithinkimsick2]

why am i having a crisis the day before my fucking exam. blonde hair blue eyed boy be out of my mind!!! i am banishing u. goodbye

[ithinkimsick2]

ok see the thing is with being really vague when i type on here is i read back and have no idea what i was talking about. what i was thinking. i mean like when im in a mental breakdown or whatever i guess i don't really want to explain things but that has this effect i guess. like, a glass room with another glass room in it??? what does it mean????

[ithinkimsick2]

[ithinkimsick2]

this may be extremely inarticulate.

i am feeling just very overwhelmed. there is just a whole lot. a lot kf things. hapennging. i doubt my morality, my humanity. people make me doubt it and i wonder if theyre right. i could be a really bad person but i dont want to be and ik tired of people. o dont really ficking know. i mean, thats not the worst or the kost important of whats up right now but its really an additionally layerbi dont need right jow. befor i wanst sure if i actually het panic attacks cayse i wasnt sure whaf really they are and jf what i had would count but ik pretty my ore convined as time goes on. i am awfuk feelibg awfuk and im going to run out of time and everything i did wikl be gor jothing. abd i will haveto do everything all over again. or i will jst rot and fie. i kight die. i wanted to die. they could pop ny head eopne. im tired as hell. real fucking tured of ghis and i think ill fail. how do i. how di i reach out to othervpeiple and jot be an annoying nuisance. how do

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i thijk i wouldnt be able to firgive myself if something happebed to someone i care bout. like even if its not my fault. like i dont rwally care if its my fault. it doesnt matywr to me. i would go to jncredible lenghts to help. i think the way people act in their day to day may show how they would act jn this sort of situation.

a glass room with ankther glass room inside. thats a tjighht.

fucj

[ithinkimsick2]

been very socially overwhelmed recently. i cant talk with friends as well and i get stuck in certain situations when im not sure what to do. i know progress isn't linear, but this still doesnt feel good.

[ithinkimsick2]

i can't wait for better things to happen, sometimes.

[ithinkimsick2]

i wonder, if people think of me, sometimes? i wonder, what is in store for the future? i hope that i can be happy and have things i want. i hope that i can experience some things i want to experience. i also want everyone around me to be okay.

[ithinkimsick2]

phew! i made it a whole ermmm 11 days. yknow, i only come here when i have things bad enough to say that i'd feel bad if my friends knew and honestly, that threshold is not super high. well today.. i think today kinda sucked. was really on edge and low social battery. and i still tried to socialise anyways because i like to pretend everything is ok. my thoughts were running very fast. and i.. i don't know. yeah i don't fucking know. everything is really a mess but i don't have time to clean it up.

also, i wish my shitty dad would stop trying to play happy family as if any of this will make up for my shitty childhood and shitty now and all the fucking problems he gives me. i don't want a fucking family vacation, in fact, i wish you knew how to say sorry, like, ever. wish you ever kept your promises and wish you knew how to change and wish you'd leave me alone. wish you'd feel bad for the fact that i can't even sit down with my family for a dinner without feeling mounting dread because i can only associate everyone together with things going wrong. i can't eat one of my favourite meals because it tastes of shouting matches and tension. i can't stand the sound of people walking outside my door because im used to people bursting in to yell at any moment. im afraid to do things because half the time ill be reprimanded and the other half no one will even notice. i can't talk to my own siblings because i don't know how and im afraid of being wrong because they always made fun of me and you never did anything. i can't focus on anything and i can't sleep but im still tired and my bones ache and hurt and my eyes are wet and for what? im scared to make noise or draw attention to myself and i feel like everyone is always scrutinising me.

... my friend, i miss you! even though we haven't known each other long, even though we have been through many different experiences, and sometimes i am not sure what to say, i find that i enjoy conversation with you, and there is much to talk about. i don't know why, sometimes its hard to admit things so i admit them here instead. even though i would probably have no problem saying this to you. im really not very experienced with human connection, but im figuring it out as i go. i don't need to know everything, right? i can go with my gut feeling. im not sure what the future holds but i hope it is good things for you, and me, and the people around us.

this has been nice to get out, even though i got quite frustrated in the middle, i think it's good to get those feelings out. often, as said before, i deny myself the opportunity to feel my negative emotions, like im denying them. but, i must acknowledge that sometimes, we must feel them still. the full range of human emotions, right? am i not here on earth to feel them all?

[ithinkimsick2]

aarnrrhhg i really hate it here and i hate me right now. i t

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i really cant reslly fihure out whyv. i know ots ok not to be ok, well i twll myself fhat logically and usualy im good at fhat, defeating feelibgs with logjc but its really a bjt of a studggle right now. theres m wellbtherees like a lgot of things i to do. and. and. i dont know. i wish evrgything was okay. ibthink that no one should hsve to deal eith me. i.. i can be happy somefimes and i xobt wabt people to see me when ik sad. even though i wiah ivcould fix other peoples sadness bht i dont know how. im not tored, im sctually got a lot of energy. i still feel pathetic. i srill worry. i sfill overthink. still nothing nakes sense. i think life is sorta ubfair like that. i cam lnly sy theese things where no ine will see it bht j actually cling into the hope fhat someone will. i think its reallt nice tobconnect to other people, i doscovered this recdntly but its also a very bif risk. and like, its scary abd skmetimes if hurtz. i xont find mysdlf eorthy somgitimes. it ceels like kagbe in spiralking. mymyup