itfeelstoomuch

[itfeelstoomuch]

I left home too early.

In midst of running for being an adult.

I didn’t mourn my childhood who still sits on the balcony swing.

[itfeelstoomuch]

I ran “away” from him but not “from” him.

[itfeelstoomuch]

Now I am 1000km away from them I cry over open shoelaces not because I can’t tie them but because there’s no one to tie them for me!

[itfeelstoomuch]

Like my mother

Like my mother

Like my mother

I need to be beautiful like my mother.

She's the most beautiful woman to have ever lived. But no one knows that except me because no one else has the same wounds as her like I do which can carry the entire truth of her existence. No one else has cried when she cried, bled when she bled, died when she died.

No one else has inherited her rage.

No one else has inherited her grief.

No one else has inherited her bloodlust.

Except me

So I need to be beautiful like her too.

I'll paint my lips to hide the crimson stains of spitting my own blood.

I'll darken my eyes to hide the bruises from nights spent with mania instead of rest.

I'll pluck out every imperfection in my brow until it no longer furrows for men who do not deserve it.

I'll put kajal on my waterline so whoever makes me cry has to see me in all my horrifying anger.

I'll powder up my cheeks to hide the tears my father never dried and put lotion on the skin that holds the scars from wounds I was too young to heal.

Like my mother did.

Because I need to be beautiful like my mother.

Even if it leaves me lifeless.

She has been lifeless for most of her life too.

[itfeelstoomuch]

I hope in another life I’m easier to love

[itfeelstoomuch]

one of my playlists / letter from last summer by charlie burg / please stay by lucy dacus / high school in jakarta by niki (x2) / on earth we're briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong / facebook friends by niki / nonbeliever by lucy dacus / his car isn't yours by wendy / autumn by niki / please stay by lucy dacus / in my head by maisie peters / oceans & engines by niki / before by niki / in my head by maisie peters

[itfeelstoomuch]

EYES TALK

“In the Storm of Roses: Selected Poems ch. "Songs form an Island"”, Ingeborg Bachmann. tr by Mark Anderson; // “The Master and Margarita”, by Mikhail Bulgakov; // “The Black Art”, by Anne Sexton; // Santosh Kalwar; // “Jane Eyre”, by Charlotte Brontë; // Quote by @dumblr ; // “The Galloping Hour: French Poems. ch "I check for you in the wind"”, by Alejandra Pizarnik. tr by Patricio Ferrari and Forrest Gander; // Stephen F. Campbell; // Walt Whitman; // “The Boat in the Evening”, by Tarjei Vesaas; // “We”, by Yevgeny Zamyatin. tr Natasha Randall; // Letter to Anne Clarke, by Anne Sexton, July 3 1964; // “Memory in my Hands: The Love of Pedro Salinas. ch "The voice I owe to you"”, by Pedro Salina. tr by Ruth Katz Crispin

[itfeelstoomuch]

questions I think would be fun to be asked

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

what made you start your blog?

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

what scares you the most and why?

any reacquiring dreams?

tell a story about your childhood

would you say you’re an emotional person?

what do you consider to be romance?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

what are you doing right now?

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

name 3 things that make you happy

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

favourite thing about the day?

favourite things about the night?

are you a spiritual person?

say 3 things about someone you love

say 3 things about someone you hate

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

fave season and why?

fave colour and why?

any nicknames?

do you collect anything?

what do you do when you’re sad?

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

are you messy or organised?

how many tabs do you have open right now?

any hobbies?

any pet peeves?

do you trust easily?

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

share a secret

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

any bad habits?

(this post was stolen from @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak, since it couldn't be reblogged anymore)

[itfeelstoomuch]

Leaving home soon and this makes me so uneasy

- a haunted house with a picket fence

starecat.com(?)/ @firstfullmoon/ i know the end- phoebe bridgers/ james baldwin/ my tears ricochet/ @shhhitsfine/ 13 going on 30/ @mazzystarjpg/ @7pmsummer on instagram

[itfeelstoomuch]

I bet on losing dogs…

I bet on losing dogs because who will understand the hand that stroked you so gently today, might not even be there tomorrow.

I bet on losing dogs because who will love them enough to give them a chance to touch.

I bet on losing dogs because they are the only ones who don’t bark at me when I sit beside them with nothing to give them.

[itfeelstoomuch]

Oh to be jealous of 8 year old girl…

Jealous of the toys she plays with while not thinking what will happen if she breaks them.

Jealous of the father she has who every morning coddles her with kisses and hugs and tells her that he would buy her the world if she wanted.

Jealous of the mother she has who paints her nails and tell her how pretty she looks and never reminding her to loose all the weight she gained that one summer.

Jealous of the grand mother she has who makes her cookies and cake and tells her that she’s is so lucky to have her tiny feet running around.

Jealous of the fact that she can hold her parents fingers and tell them she loves them and hear that her parents love her more.

Jealous of the fact that if she…

It’s so sad that a 21 year old can be jealous of a 8 year old girl, perhaps she was just envious that all of the things the little girl goes through everyday was just a dream to the 21 year old even when she herself was 8 years old and still a dream when she 21 years old.

[itfeelstoomuch]

can you do a webweave on love not being enough

? // romance, catherine breillat // in the desert, stephen crane // infinite jest, david foster wallace // the unabridged journals, sylvia plath // the triumph of achilles, louise glück //

[itfeelstoomuch]

Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena // Alain de Botton, Essays in Love // Eden Robinson, "Writing Prompts for the Broken-Hearted" // Chloe Liese, Always Only You // Anne Carson and Euripides, An Oresteia // Two—Sleeping At Last // Studio Bones, SK8 the Infinity // Trista Mateer, "is it okay to say this?" // @moodylilac // D. H. Lawrence, "The Rainbow"

[itfeelstoomuch]

Emily L., Marguerite Duras // Bertrand Russell, What Desires are Politically Important? // Octavio Paz, "The House of Glances" // Mitski—Francis Forever // Chen Chen, When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities // VIVINOS and QMENG, Alien Stage (Round 6) // Bryan Fuller, Hannibal (2013) // Richard Siken, "Little Monster" // Christa Wolf, Cassandra: A Novel and Four Essays // Mitski—I Bet on Losing Dogs

[itfeelstoomuch]

Schrödinger's cat but make it emotionally immature parents.

Every morning you wake up with a big lump in your throat, you take a step on the cold hard floor and you muster the strength to get of out your room. Some eventful days your parents are happy and smiling and wish you a good morning and the lump dies down.

Some days the cold of the floor doesn’t match the coldness of your mothers silence and you are still in a state ponder; why she must be pissed and that’s how you spend the rest of day. Pondering.

Every-time you do something-anything you always look over your shoulders to see if it’s making them happy or making them not care or making them not talk to you for the coming 2 weeks.

Every-time your dad watches a sports program and the parents of the player are excited and cheerful he says out loud “Oh to have children who make you proud”.

I think Schrödinger did the experiment on the cat because you can’t fit the parents in a box.

[itfeelstoomuch]

i’ve been bed rotting in a decidedly self destructive way lately

being and nothingness, jean-paul sartre // the metamorphosis, franz kafka // i am the architect of my own destruction, juansen dizon // albert camus // as consciousness is harnessed, susan sontag // ralph waldo emerson // allen ginsberg // tennesse williams // letters to felice, franz kafka // sylvia plath

[itfeelstoomuch]

nartheflower/inanotheruniverse//sk//clarice lispector/the hour of the star//taylor swift/the archer//david foster wallace//david bowie//unknown//maya hayyas/parts of me never left that house//cowgirlrising//phoebe bridgers/waiting room