itfeelssowrong

[itfeelssowrong]

i sit here, in a dark palace i sit here, can’t see a thing everything’s hazy, everything’s fuzzy everything’s gone, every thing is gone

blind, blinded think i’m crying - can’t tell can’t see the tears - nobody does, nobody will it’s like nothing ever happened

and truth is, it happened all at once

- - -

idk, i’m nervous, don’t know what i want, don’t know what i need, don’t know what to feel - i do know i don’t want to cry around, i don’t want to feel weak - i don’t want to let people know how weak i am BUT at the same time i do cause maybe someone can help?? this will work itself out or something right? i think so - just a couple more months i think, i guess, i wonder, i dream

lmao that’s a lie, i don’t really dream of the future. i just have nightmares of the past

gn

[itfeelssowrong]

Hello, it’s been a while. So many years have gone by and everything is still pretty much the same. Except now I quit trying to do a lot of shit. Every weekend goes by and I just drink a lot and listen to my thumping music, jumping around in my room, partly because I don’t know anyone who enjoys it.

Or anyone who enjoys me. It’s more about the mix of those two. Not just about music, but the whole way of thinking. I can’t even speak english properly anymore, which is very annoying. A result of many wrong decisions over the last few decades of existence haha

Haha, i guess. Haha. Ha Ha. It was going downhill, it’s gone downhill. It’s like those dreams where you never stop falling. It’s okay.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up.

[itfeelssowrong]

Why the hell am I having nightmares that feel so goddamn real *right* as I finally fall asleep??

Second time it happens, same kind of nightmare, waking up sweaty.

It feels so real. The touch.

In another time, it was a perfect dream.

[itfeelssowrong]

I’m okay now. Pretty good. It’s the small things. Or, rather, the things you think won’t do anything at all are the ones that most help. Just people trying to help. People who actually understand what I feel and what I think. In this case, it was my dad. I’m growing to be a lot of him. And of my mom as well. I like to think I’m getting the best of both but I’m pretty sure that I got the inherent sadness from knowing how much better off I could be from them. It’s a brilliant family. We have all the best qualities and also the worst defects. We need focus. We’ll have it. This is gonna work and in no fucking time we’re all gonna have a better and most importantly happy life.

Back to me, I had a fucking bad dream of sorts, focusing on what’s long gone. Not good, but it’s just a nightmare. Also yeah, I do miss having someone romantically. MAYBE that’s not what I *need* but I do still miss it. I miss affection and touch and understanding and a good ear. Ah well. It’ll come through work I guess. I strive to be a good, honest, sincere and overall nice person AND I do have a personality SOOOOO that all equates to a pretty good social life...??!? Ah well, I’m working on that as well. There’s opportunities everywhere. Can’t dismiss everyone.

Also, college is actually going fucking good! It’s end of November, I’m pretty much doing everything I have to do to finally finish this fucking thing so I can go places and travel and be awesome! Yayyy

[itfeelssowrong]

02:16

It's late Saturday night, I'm home alone, I don't feel like playing guitar, I'm a mess.

No goals worth pursuing. No real goals at least. Fighting to get more money to buy more things so I feel even more unsatisfied with life isn't my cup of tea.

I'm sure it'll all get better rather soon and I'll laugh, once again, at all the shit I post on here.

Onwards to happiness, where ever that might be.

[itfeelssowrong]

I am so sick of fighting myself.

I ain't okay and I'm starting to get out of ideas to get up again.

[itfeelssowrong]

Today I learned how to do yet another thing that will never bring me any professional success. Most importantly, I'll probably never be good enough at it for myself to feel satisfied.

Just like photography and music production.

One day, I'll join all of them and create a great music video.

[itfeelssowrong]

I don't know if writing things here does me any good but ah well.

I'm struggling very very hard to find motivation. It's kinda weird cause I love to do a lot of things! But I kinda do have an explanation for it. And it's awful yayyyy

So, this is the thing: for one, I've realized that I need people. I like attention! Which is weird to say. In itself that shouldn't be bad! But it kinda is cause I obviously shouldn't base my happiness around other people! Like, it's almost contradictory. We buy things to, purposedly, make us happy. Obviously that doesn't work. So, we buy things that allow us to make other stuff that we can share with people. To relate to other people. Be it music, cars, photography, computer stuff, whatever. That doesn't mean that we don't get enjoyment from doing those things alone. But I just feel this gigantic emptiness (heh) when I finish something I'm so proud of...and then have noone to share it with. In the moment it's not the worst feeling in the world but over time...it just makes me wonder why I'm here at all. And that's a scary thought! For fucks sake, I'm good at so many things. I can do so many things. I like so many things. I love people!

Ugh. It's crazy. You know what's 50% of what I'm feeling when writing these? "Look at yourself complaining about all this shit, you privileged motherfucker"

And it brings me down. I think I'll get up again.

Maybe one day I'll find what I'm looking for, whatever that is. I just want the goddamn motivation to NOT get in way. Just do it, bitch.

[itfeelssowrong]

I’m probably going to die while being blinded by the past.

It was manageable before, when I was a bit younger and I didn’t have much past of my own, and only had to think about the past of others. 

But now I do have a past now. And, together with all of the pasts I have never lived, they make me go crazy. 

Sadness comes from what I lived and what I didn’t live.

Sadness comes from what I am and what I am not.

Sadness is what I could’ve been.

Hopelessness is hitting me. Quietly, but hard.

I’m fighting it! I’m fighting back. I can fight! Yay.

I think the only thing I’m very very good at is at hiding that I’m quite bad inside to other people. And even to myself! 

Everything’s fine! ‘Tis just a scratch!

[itfeelssowrong]

I feel like I have to say this to myself every so often. No-one is the problem. I just haven't found the right group of people for me yet.

I refuse to believe, like I have in the past, that I am so weird and awful that no-one will accept me. And it would be kind of ridiculous to think that the whole world is out to get me and fuck me sideways.

But it's just hard when I'm trying my best. Trying my best to integrate with every single group of people I find to see if I can fit in.

It would be so much easier if I could just be happy alone. Happy with my own things. And God, do I have a LOT of things I adore to do and work and have.

I know what I have to do. Study what I have left to study. Gotta do my job. I haven't failed. I'm doing it. But it's hard with so little else to motivate me. To get me out of bed in the morning.

I love mornings. Haven't been able to enjoy them.

I love nights. Haven't been able to enjoy them either.

I love life! 😢

[itfeelssowrong]

Working hard.

Not backing down.

Being understanding of others.

Working hard.

Letting feels out.

Knowing how much I'm worth.

Working fucking hard.

What do I want?

Who do I want?

Do they want me?

Am I weird?

What is happiness?

Am I happy?

What am I doing wrong?

Am I doing something wrong?

Who are you?

Why are you listening?

Do you love me?

Should I love you?

What have you told me?

Does it still stand?

Why is it still in my mind?

Where did all these years go?

Am I old?

Do I want to be young?

Why is it still in my mind?

Heart or brain? Me or you? Yellow or purple? English or Português? Questions or answers?

Heart or brain?

Questions or answers?

Good questions or bad answers?

Heart or brain? Both! It's so easy!

Good questions or bad answers?

Bad questions with bad answers.

Who am I? I don't know who I am. I'm fighting and working hard. I don't know if I'm happy, but I'm definitely happier this way.

Good questions with good answers.

Happier? Happier.

[itfeelssowrong]

Hello

Haven't been thinking much about myself these last few days. Sometimes that's good. Focusing on what's important.

I hope.

[itfeelssowrong]

A start of a new week. The weekend should be the part of the week I'm looking forward to but nowadays it's the opposite. It's probably the prospect of meeting new people and facing new challenges. This sounds like corporate speak but yeah, it's true. I'm 26. I've been dabbling in a million different things at the same time but I'm managing to keep my focus straight, for once in my goddamn life. Yes my weekend was kinda miserable but once again I learn something new about myself. This is uncharted territory. I'm not the same, in a good way. In all the other ways I'm still the same. Which is good and I want to preserve that.

But for fucks sake, can I please find another group of people to get along with? It's annoying. What's the point of doing 10 things when I know that if I had more people around me I'd do 10 brilliant things? Like, fuck, scratch that. I don't care about things. I just need to feel happier! I can go to relaxing and awesome places all I want and pretend that it's okay that I'm doing it alone...but the farce doesn't last long. There's no amount of insta likes that can fulfill this desire of sharing the joy of nature, discovery, sound and vision enough.

I have a feeling it's gonna get better.

At least I don't break as easily as I did before. Kind of at a crossroad. Except I can't see what options I have.

So yeah, I'll keep doing what I know I gotta do. The rest is gonna have to happen kinda naturally. Hopefully fast cause fuck, yeah, I can do it this way, but I'd rather be a little bit happier!

This blog is about grim things about me. And I'm gonna kinda keep it that way. But for fucks sake! I love stuff! I love people! I love everything!

Maybe the focus on reality is gonna help everything else. To be a sound proposition of a man.

Heh. Enough. Goodnight.

[itfeelssowrong]

Alone

I feel lonely. Not in the romantic sense but in general. Like, it's increasingly difficult to find people that share the same passions as I have, that think the same way I do. It's frustrating. Even more so when I love so many things. It's awful.

[itfeelssowrong]

I swear I’m not making this up. Really. You know how I always talked about cycles - emotional cycles. Sadness followed by extreme sadness followed by some strength and then more strength and eventually I’m so happy and motivated about everything...and then some shit happens and I hang on for a while and I’m like “I’m okay!” and then it goes to shit.

I swear, this does not feel like my mind playing tricks on me anymore; as in, it’s not happening just cause I think it’ll happen. I feel like, when I’m supposedly happy, I’m just ignoring some annoying issues in my head. Like, not problems really! Just things that would make me sad. That makes sense, right? If I’m happy, I want to push those concerns away. And I don’t mean it like “oh I have this problem, I’ll ignore it and it’ll go away”. No. That’s not what I was doing. I was addressing each and every single problem in my life.

And now it just crumbled again. And I’m slowly going back up. Well, faster than I ever did, I think. All these years of living have to be worth something, right?

I do miss having people around me that like the same things or close to it, as me. It’s getting tiring to not have many people to go out with or many people to share things with except for my brother.

And to add to that, now I have some sort of social anxiety because of all this little episode of mine. I’m fighting it, directly, no matter how hard it is to feel so self-conscious around people. I feel like it’s important. The feeling of not confronting is worse. It stays in the back of my head. “You didn’t feel like going but at least you wouldn’t be judging yourself or worrying about people judging you for not going to x”.

That’s it for the moment. There’s a bunch of other worries circling around my brain but it’s okay. I can’t write ALL of it. Too hard.

[itfeelssowrong]

It’s okay. This will pass.

I’m not okay. I should be. It’s weird. What a terrible week. It’s been awful. It’s all my fault, in a way. Directly and indirectly. I want to have a good routine; have the week all planned out, at least for some stuff. But, well, since I have absolutely ruined my life professionally, I gotta abide by the rules of others. It’s not their fault and I do not blame them. Or at least I try not to. It’s not right. Anyway, I jump from goal to goal way too fucking fast. And hell, I’m doing everything to keep those goals in check. I’ve set two fuckign goals. Studying and guitar. That’s all. Rule is, do not be disappointed if anything else goes wrong. But those two things gotta be good. And they’ve been good!

But, clearly, my mind does not think the same. Heh, it’s weird when I talk about my mind as if it’s another person. Guess that’s the best way to describe it. It’s like I’m constantly fighting myself. And it’s even weirder when I think about when I’m good. Like, after that “being good time” always comes a “fuck how was I good, was I faking it???”.

It’s crazy! It’s goddamn crazy. And then I have these breakdowns that really do nothing but do me harm. But ffs, I’m running out of ideas to fix it! I know I have value! When I’m okay I’m a terrific person. I know it! I guess that’s why the vague thoughts of suicide die quickly.

Also, is it this fucking hard for other people to forget? Like, fuck. My memory is the goddamn worst. But I *cannot* forget people. I cannot forget feelings. This will not end well.