itcouldhappentoy0u

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

Something nice written by Amanda Cherewick, you can find more of her on facebook @ Healing Out Loud

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

I'm either high, asleep, or eating my feelings.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

5 hour nap and right back to it.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

"if you relapse you might not survive" is one of those hard truths to swallow. to accept your condition really is that grave. that you could make one wrong move and not be here anymore. that you could spend years and years making that move over and over, until you die sad and alone. that you'd have no idea exactly how it will end if you don't get clean again, but whatever happens will be horrificly tragic.

what used to be a medicinal relief, a fun time, a rebellion, became both your whole life, and your tomb. and the only option you have left is to tear down everything you think you know, and do your best to put a good life in its place. now that's scary as fuck. but it turns out it's not as scary as you thought it was and it's also incredibly worth it.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

August 12th 2023

Really struggling with relapse.

Can’t post on my main socials.

This is my outlet instead that’s safe at 120am on a Friday night/ Saturday morning.

Keeping some pretty dark secrets here.

As they say you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time. I’m sure it will come to the top soon.

Trying really hard to manage this disease. When I know it’s unmanageable and will only get worse if I don’t surrender.

But I said I’d never go back to recovery if I relapsed again. I know it’s my pride and my ego. And I gotta get honest with everybody about it if I want a chance.

Please pray for me- that I find the willingness to surrender again and for good, that I get the chance to before it gets worse, that I make it through this alive.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

nose bleeds and heart aches

you shine, glistening like a diamond

the smell of diesel in the air,

taste of aerosol drips down my throat

my gums numbed it spreads throughout my face

our dance is ritual, sacrificial

romanticized in every sense.

I was superman when we touched.

it was undeniable, you were the one

you would rescue me

white lines offering protection

bliss and joy in times of despair

confidence in times of fear

in time you showed your true self

and the horrors of myself

controlling and invasive

it’s in chaos we thrive

begging for one more night

promising to make it all right.

you lied

and so did I

you got the best of me, you did

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

Forgive Yourself.. Forgive yourself for all the times you let yourself down. Forgive yourself for all the times you hurt yourself. Forgive yourself for being hard on yourself when something didn’t go as you hoped, or when you didn’t make it as far as you thought you would. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you’ve made. Forgive yourself for the times you trusted the wrong people. Forgive yourself for loving the people you thought would always be there but weren’t. Forgive yourself for hurting others.

Forgive yourself for the future you. Forgive yourself for the person you are one day going to become. Forgiveness is a powerful tool & you need to learn how to Forgive yourself. Because no one can do it for you.

Forgive yourself..

~AllieMae

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

“I love the way you’re so open about everything”

Oh yea that’s the recovering addict part of me, it’s a learned trait .

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

addiction recovery tips

1. Protect your space. You don’t have time for bullshit anymore. Cut out the people you’ve been meaning to cut out. Make the most space for the people who have chosen to believe in you. Spend less time on social media. I’ve deleted my facebook and instagram apps. It doesn’t have to be permanent but you need to avoid triggers and to an emotionally sensitive person like many addicts are due to Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome social media is full of triggers. It’s shown that social media makes you compare your lives to others leading to a lacking mindset rather than one of appreciation for what you have.

2. Find a recovery group. The important part is making community outreach a regular part of your week. Some people go to meetings everyday. There are plenty of meetings out there. AA, NA, DRA, SMART recovery, recovery dharma… if you don’t like the meetings you have available I recommend going anyway to connect with people. Take what resonates and leave the rest behind.

3. Take it a day at a time. You don’t have to commit to being sober for a lifetime, though hopefully you get there eventually. Just be sober today. 24 hours. And then do it again tomorrow.

4. Be as open about recovery as possible. Shame is a normal part of recovery but the more people you’re open with the more chances you have for increasing your support network. Outside of meetings, a support network is very important. No one is an island.

5. If you need to, “kill” yourself. Kill the old you. You have a blank slate. You’re starting fresh. You aren’t defined by your past. Reinvent yourself. Dare to dream big. You’ll need to have hobbies and goals to distract yourself when you get urges. Because you will get them. And sometimes it will be very bad. It helps to have a routine activity you enjoy to engage your brain and tap into your rational mind.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

I want to build myself a routine. I'd want it to look something like this:

Godwyn's Four Things (Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual)

Physical - Minimum 20 minutes either walk or on stationary bike. Just roll out of bed and go

Mental - Reading JFT, SPAD, AQP, and anything else (not smut)

Emotional - Step work, journal, gratitude, draw or color

Spiritual - Meditate, shower with purpose

Unplugged breakfast

Check in with sponsor

Assess the day, make a list, make a plan

Maybe not so rigid but something along these lines.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

Me at 8 am - Today is a new day. I will take one step towards achieving my goals. 💪

Me at 8 pm - Maybe tomorrow! 😶‍🌫️

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

So give up on me

I'm a waste of time

I'm a long lost cause

Weighing on your mind

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

Maybe my problem is that if I continue to use, I know what will happen. I know that I will lose everything.

Where as if I get clean, and stay clean, the future (however positive) is unknown.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

Typing isn't terrible but there's a disconnect in the flow of it, like, if I'm writing with pen and paper, it's like my emotions let go into the fresh ink.

But with typing, there's a blockage.

[itcouldhappentoy0u]

My mom, who I have a relatively good relationship with, will be coming over today. She's bringing my father with her.

Him and I do not have a great relationship. I haven't spoken to him since January or February of this year.

Isn't this an excellent surprise.