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something my therapist told me and might help you through difficult times: your brain holds resistance to change. you've been doing something for so long now, to the point that's what you consider normal or routine. you wanting to change that for one reason or the other will be conflicting, and your system will probably make you feel like that's not what you want or need, but remember it's just your brain playing tricks on you. you're on the right path, sweet soul, keep it going. i love you.

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I know this blog is meant to be more on the positive end and I don’t share much but I don’t really have places to talk so im just making a stupid little post about what’s on my mind bc im struggling so deeply. Im just going through a big bad depressive episode, im extremely isolated and alone in my life rn and I miss so many people. I miss my old best friend so much, I just want to hear their voice and talk to them but I’m so afraid to bc idk what they would think. And when I miss them I tell myself it’s for the best we that don’t talk anymore and that they’re probably doing better and that they didn’t need me anymore, and I don’t want to interfere, I just wish I could’ve been part of their life longer and that I could’ve gotten the chance to visit them. I wish I could know how they’re doing bc I think about them everyday still, I wish they could call me and tell me I won’t be alone anymore and that they miss me too. I feel like im so checked out all of the time completely now, everything is just happening around me and im too tired and unmotivated to be a part of it. I’ve lost so many people and feel like I’m left behind and like I am just too tired and exhausted to keep pulling myself back up anymore just to deal with the same shit and trauma and loneliness that I can’t shake. I hope there’s something changing for the better soon, I hope I’m able to do something on my end to fix things in my life.

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JZ

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If you have to get through the day one minute at a time it’s okay. Reaching the other side of this minute is not only real but inevitable, this anxiety, panic, depression, insecurity, jealousy, or any other feeling will pass. It’s okay if you can’t see that as a possibility, because even in your worst moments when it feels infinite, the time will pass anyway.

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There's a sorrow and pain in everyone's life, but every now and then there's a ray of light that melts the loneliness in your heart and brings comfort like hot soup and a soft bed.

-- Hubert Selby, Jr.

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Riley Samels on Instagram / Etsy

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you don’t talk too much. you aren’t too loud. you aren’t too needy. you aren’t too sensitive. you aren’t too this, or that. you aren’t too much anything. you will never be too much: you are you, and you are allowed to take up space. you are allowed to exist however you choose.

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You’ve done nothing wrong by eating. The guilt and discomfort will pass so please be kind to yourself.

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You’re either

currently ok

or on your way to ok.

It’s alright to be in a period of in-between.

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you can have a fresh start anytime. you can start again every day. every hour if you need! you’re allowed to put the past behind you. 

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Slow down, it's ok. Very few things in life are absolute

Deadlines can be flexible, career paths are flexible, relationships become close and far and close again, it's all going to be ok

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No, you aren't "behind in life".

But, it's okay to grieve the time you spent surviving. The time spent trying to figure out what was wrong. The time spent healing to become a person again.

It wasn't your fault.

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You have options. I promise you, you have options. Even if you blow up your whole life, change your name and train hop half way across the country- you still have options. So long as you are alive you have choices and chances. If you can’t see them, ask someone else. Ask a stranger or someone who loves you. Anyone not in your situation will have different a perspective. Stay safe and stay alive.

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i don't know who needs to hear this, but guilt, self-hatred and shame are not sustainable sources of growth and healing. you can't hate yourself into feeling better, or being better. you can't repeatedly punish yourself for your flawed humanity and expect wholesome results.