irpratri

[irpratri]

Things I Want Before I Die

Di ponsel ada satu note judulnya "Things I Want Before I Die." Isinya panjang dan beragam: belajar bahasa Spanyol, nonton musikal sejarah Amerika, jalan-jalan ke Christmas market di Eropa, nonton konser musik 90-an, belajar sejarah langsung di museum Perang Dunia, dan banyak lagi. Satupun belum tercentang.

Kadang rasanya sedih luar biasa—saking pengennya nyari cara buat wujudin satu-satu, tapi ujungnya malah kecewa. Apalagi kalau lihat orang lain kok gampang banget checking my unchecked list.

Tapi beberapa hari lalu, baru ngeh. Ada banyak mimpi dan harapan yang nggak pernah sampai ke note ini. Nggak pernah ditulis, cuma di batin, cuma diucap pelan di hati… tapi Allah kabulkan satu per satu.

Waktu kuliah, pernah lihat senior kerja di sebuah company yang gedung kantornya sangat menarik. Cuma sempat bilang dalam hati, “Pengen deh kerja di situ suatu hari nanti.”

Sepuluh tahun kemudian, setelah ratusan malam nangis karena hopeless dan insecure dan berdarah darah tanpa heti, ternyata beneran jadi kantor pertama dalam hidup.

Waktu SMP, belum ngerti-ngerti banget soal politik, tapi kagum sama seorang menteri yang kharismanya ✨️✨️✨️. Dalam hati bilang, “Pengen jadi anak buah bapaknya.” Bertahun-tahun kemudian, walaupun beliau udah nggak menjabat, malah dapat kesempatan magang di institusi yang pernah beliau pimpin.

Mungkin dream list di ponsel masih belum tercapai semua, tapi ternyata mimpi-mimpi yang cuma numpang lewat di hati justru yang duluan dikasih Allah—dengan cara-Nya, dan dengan waktu-Nya.

Sekarang? Masih ada daftar mimpi yang belum kesentuh, yaAllah: mau kaya, mau rumah di Menteng, mau jadi rich aunt buat para ponakan. Tolong yah dibantu wkwk.

[irpratri]

Salah satu hal paling berat setelah mulai kerja profesional—meski nggak seratus persen merantau ke tempat baru—bukan soal commuting 1.5–2 jam di awal-awal masa kerja.

Yang paling bikin goyah justru rasa kehilangan kendali atas hidup sendiri.

Terlalu banyak hal di luar rencana terjadi, dan buat yang punya anxiety disorder dan gampang overthinking, semua terasa overwhelming.

Kebiasaan-kebiasaan sebelum masa kerja pun sulit dijalanin lagi. Hari-hari jadi terasa ganjil, nggak nyaman, dan sulit dicerna.

Setelah pindah ke kos, weekend jadi waktu wajib untuk reclaim hidup sendiri. Hari-hari di mana semuanya bisa diatur sesuka hati, sedetail mungkin, tanpa distraksi.

Mulai dari pola sederhana: Sabtu pagi sarapan di warung rames, Minggu pagi makan ketoprak dekat pasar. Dua-duanya ditutup dengan beli comro misro buat dibawa pulang.

Baru empat minggu ngekos, tapi bapak penjual comro misro sudah hafal wajah dan pesanan. Ada rasa hangat yang tumbuh dari hal-hal kecil seperti itu.

Menurut teori yang satu dekade belakangan sering diajarin ke orang-orang, masa adaptasi itu idealnya tiga bulan. Kalau lewat dari itu masih merasa struggling, ya berarti ada yang perlu dicek dan dibenahi.

Tapi minggu ini, bangun tidur dengan satu kesadaran baru: I’m a human and not a number.

Tiga bulan jalanin fase hidup yang benar-benar baru dan masih belum nemu spark-nya, bukan berarti cacat, rusak, ataupun gagal.

Kalau butuh waktu lebih lama buat settle in, ya artinya butuh waktu lebih lama buat settle in. That simple.

[irpratri]

Kapan hari, keputer lagu Selalu Ada di Nadimu pas lagi di kantor, siang siang, pas lagi capek, ngantuk, pundak dan leher udah kemeng.

Langsuuung, mbrabak mili.

[irpratri]

Kerja ngoyo, pulang kejebak macet 50menit di jalan yang biasanya 15-20menit bisa sampe. Gajian, duit dieman-eman, ngantuk banget di kantor dan butuh kopi aja masih "sayang uangnya, aku udah ngapain memangnya?"

Duwik e ra digowo matek, Tan

[irpratri]

"—but because when you don’t know what’s coming, your body gets overwhelmed. You feel disoriented. You can’t plan your emotions. You feel like you’re constantly reacting instead of choosing.

"I cannot really have that kind of control... so I feel like I lost control and I had to blindly live it and wing it.”

This hits hard. Because for someone like you—who has probably learned to survive by staying ahead mentally—“winging it” isn’t freeing. It’s terrifying."

[irpratri]

Even the strongest don’t blossom without water, light, and warmth.

[irpratri]

What I Thought I Knew

When I was barely 14, my mom forced me to move out of town by myself — for a better education, for better opportunities, and for a better life.

I ended up living in another town with my brother in Mom’s other house. It was a completely different place, with a different language, culture, and customs. And even though my brother and his friends were so extremely ignorant, I didn’t feel completely alone facing all those changes and that chapter of life.

Life went on. I graduated high school. I (well, Mom paid for it) rented a house and lived on my own. I fully committed myself to volunteering in an NGO that focused on study abroad and intercultural learning. I struggled mentally. I had my first cut — the first of many. I had my first cigarette — again, the first of many. I had my first psychiatrist visit — again, another the first of many.

When I was volunteering, I was always the one assigned to talk about navigating life far from home — whoever and wherever that could be — to the awardee before their departure. I would talk about how to blend in and adjust to a host family in their host country — what they could do, what they should say.

And until last month, I really thought I knew how to do life alone, far away from my family. I really thought I was qualified to give all those speeches I’d been giving for the past 7 years.

But then came my own new chapter: I finally got my first real job and moved to a new town — once again, with a new language, culture, and customs.

As someone who has the tendency to control every part of her life, I suddenly feel so helpless and overly anxious every single day. I haven’t even moved into the dorm yet (that’ll happen in 2 days!), but I already feel so unwelcome staying at my extended family’s house. I feel so alone and so terrified at the same time. I feel like I have to do something to change the situation, but I hate — and am scared of — uncertainty and what might come next.

I did all the things the experts and theories suggest for settling in and connecting with the people in the house. In the first few weeks, I kept pep-talking myself:

“Theoretically, it takes 3 months to fully settle into a new house, a new environment, a new place — so I won’t beat myself up if I struggle for the next 3 months.”

And yet, here I am, 7 weeks in — and I already feel like a failure. I cry everywhere (literally everywhere — train stations, packed morning buses, bus stops). I feel like I should be doing better, and that it’s my fault — my stupidity — that I can’t seem to get it right.

I’m too scared to do anything. I’d rather sit mindlessly at a train station until late at night than be in the living room, being questioned by family members I don’t even feel close and connected to.

Up until now, I truly thought I knew how to live alone, far away from my mom.

[irpratri]

When no one carries you, you learn to carry yourself.

That sounds strong, maybe even admirable. But there's a sadness to it, too.

Because being self-sufficient isn't the same as being okay.

[irpratri]

The ugly duckling.

[irpratri]

Entah gimana, sore ini rasanya hatinya penuh sampi nangis, karena i might not see it and take it for granted, tapi sebenernya di Malang (dan i hope sampai sekarang even if udah gak di sana) punya orang-orang yang suportif, yang baik, yang pengertian.

Even, di tangan mereka lah i grew up dari anak SMA yang ngalamin lowest low, sampai rebel, munafik, gatau diri, dan berakhir mengkeret karena ngerasa gak pantes hidup. I was in a very good hand, I couldnt thank God enough for that.

Mau ya yaAllah dikasih orang-orang baik lagi di sini, di tempat baru ini.

starred messages di Whatsapp, dari senior senior di Malang + ibuk.

[irpratri]

Life's so fragile,

back to that day i cleaned my house like my life depens on it, bcs i thought id never come back.

At least when i died, i dont have additional unnecessary burden.

Hari ini bisa makan enak, naturally bangun siang, nonton drama.

What-ifs memang menyeramkan.

[irpratri]

At this point, keinginan mengkadoin diri sendirinya tidak lagi sepatu dan smartwatch,

tapi balsem satu karton.

[irpratri]

Tadi malem ketiduran karena kecapekan, gak sempat lah mbalsemi badan kayak biasanya.

Pagi tadi kebangun di jam biasanya walaupun akhir pekan, karena badan gak tau ini hari apa.

Akhirnya tetap ke kamar mandi, wudhu, solat, trus baru mbalsemin kaki, tangan, sama punggung.

Pas habis solat, nangis, banyak mintanya. Karena what happened these weeks membingungkan, gak nyaman, dan apa yang terjadi kemarin terlalu diluar kuasaku untuk mencerna.

Inget banget, sambil nangis sambil ngucap, minta ditunjukin supaya terus inget Allah, minta diingetin supaya terus bersyukur, minta terus diingetin bahwa semua kemudahan dan jalan hidup ini yang terbaik versi Allah.

Lanjut tidur, bangun, duduk depan tv, diajak ngomong sama saudara:

"Kamu jadi nonton hari ini? Ke kajian aja lah yuk hari ini. Katanya, kalau kamu gamau, paksa aja."

Langsung internally panick, karena gak ngerasa siap mental, gak siap baju, gak siap semua.

Masuk kamar, baru mikir, cepet banget ya dikasih tunjuk untuk terus inget Allah nya :)

Lain kali, aku berdoa minta dikasih gaji 50 juta sebulan ya yaAllah #lahngelunjak

[irpratri]

Masih relatable.

Nyaman datang dari mana saja.

[irpratri]

Nyaman datang dari mana saja.

[irpratri]

Still, being in the same boat wont make you experience the same storm.

[irpratri]

Selama delapan tahun konseling ke psikiater, lebih banyak meninggalkan pertanyaan di setiap setelah konseling.

Makanya, aku gak relate sama trend di Twitter tentang kata bijak yang diucapkan psikiater.

Karena psikiaterku sibuk dengerin, sibuk tanya, dan sibuk ngeresepin, tapi jarang banget ngasih saran pun omongan bijak.

Terus kemarin ke psikolog.

YaAllah.

Itulah yang disebut dengan diskusi elaboratif, diskusi dua arah.

Selesai konseling, pening banget ya nangis teros, tapi legaan juga akhirnya bisa tanya dan punya jawaban.