iridescentmom

[iridescentmom]

IUD REMOVAL Day.

[iridescentmom]

I just want to catch a break. Idk if this is an ear ache or a tooth ache but two days it’s bothering me

[iridescentmom]

Sometimes I feel like I don’t express enough to the people that I love.. about how depressed I feel. Sometimes I just suck it up and act like I’m a bitch. But really I wish that maybe I’d find a sense of peace if I could get pregnant again (with the right person) of course.

I feel like I just live everyday, doing the things I need to do. Trying to find happiness again, and tbh it’s not around.

[iridescentmom]

You know what irks me?

Is that I’m making all these cute hair clips and I have no daughter to use them.

I’m literally an emotional mess that I’m trying to hide from everyone.

I wanna cry every other day.

I can’t find comfort in anything not even my hobbies.

[iridescentmom]

This weeks hyperfixation foods

•hot Cheetos

•sour cream

•cherries

•McDonald’s

•ketchup

[iridescentmom]

Mom thoughts.

I think this iud took the fun out of sex.

[iridescentmom]

Sitting at nanas gabe with babe today,

And I can’t help but think of how much at peace I feel.

She was THE most peaceful spirited woman I’ve ever met in life. Always caring, never said much cause of language barrier.

But this is the most I’ve ever felt at peace. Through everything going on…. She was a good woman. For the time that I knew her. And I really miss her beans I ate when I was pregnant.

[iridescentmom]

Tomorrow is hysteroscopy day.

And I’m nervous but I’m hoping for answers

Tired of pain. Tired of discomfort. But hey we did a thing

[iridescentmom]

Appreciation to all the people who sent money for this little guy to buy books.

[iridescentmom]

If anything ever happens I hope someone finds this blog.

[iridescentmom]

Found a car, didn’t get a response.

Got a shocking “hey you’re having surgery this Thursday” call this morning.

Hopefully we solve this since november bleeding.

I’m depressed. It’s taking over my life.

It’s like my little guy knows what’s happening this week cause I’ve gotten extra cuddles.

He’s literally all that makes me right now.

[iridescentmom]

Today we said goodbye to the car my papa had gotten me. 🥹

On to the next adventure

[iridescentmom]

Discomfort is adenomyosis

Discomfort is the pain that feels like labor.

[iridescentmom]

I think this whole week made me feel like I don’t have a family I could confide into.

[iridescentmom]

Seeing a memory of my little Pooh bear pregnant belly with Aria. Who would’ve known that was going to be my last week with her. Who would’ve known were coming up on her first Heavenly birthday.

Who would’ve known that I’ve been consistently irregular bleeding for almost for almost 7 months, and the bulk of it started in February.

This nasty diagnosis of mine, of a terrible regime of constant birth control, iron pills, anti-inflammatory.

I’m in pain. Constant pain that no one understands and I’ve succumbed to being numb to the mental pain and now it’s all physical.

I graduated therapy yall. So I guess that’s a win. Do I miss therapy. Fuck yeah.

But this physical pain, feels like being in labor again. I’m always upset, I can’t do much, I constantly bleed. I was two hospital trips away from a transfusion. These hormones suck. And now that I’m on this many meds, I feel like my stomach is in so much pain.

At this point do I even speak out? Do I tell my doctors

? Because lately it’s oh trial this? Oh well see. Give it time.

I’m at my limits. I’m still bleeding. Nothing feels the same.

And I don’t understand why people look to me for sympathy. I don’t give a damn, I lost my daughter. People are worried about irrelevant shit like a vacation? Or going shopping. No I lost my mental health losing my daughter. I’ve dropped relationships because I cannot see people the same anymore. I’ve lost myself because my health, is not getting better.

And I miss my baby. She’s with me in spirit. But this isn’t how my life is suppose to be right now. I don’t enjoy anything and I’m finding comfort in stupid shit. I can’t even eat and be happy because it just causes pain.

[iridescentmom]

It’s been months I’m trying to find out what’s going on with me. I got diagnosed with adenomyosis. I’m actively bleeding. I’m actively symptomatic.

I honestly feel like the doctors in my family. Don’t understand how much I am not OK. I went to the ER last night to try to see if they would see me and obviously my shortness of breath and my active bleeding was enough flag to get me in.

I message my primary care doctor and try to reschedule my OB appointment for sooner.

I’m living life with a low blood levels. I’m dizzy. I’m filling up pads quickly maybe about 4 to 5 diapers a day but I feel like crap. I’ve never felt so pale so out of it.

I’m questioning myself if I should just get a hysterectomy at this pointB if it’s even worth it.

As I’m sitting here at the Social Security office dropping off my grandma I realize that even with all my issues my family stop expect me to do all this crap for them.

I’m so tired.

[iridescentmom]

Happy one month In heaven papa 🤍