iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

I am so fucking tired

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I hate everyone and everything

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Is my behaviour a symptom of abuse? Masterlist

Outside symptoms

Offering comfort and compassion while never receiving or asking

You’re hyper-independent and never ask for help

You downplay all the pain you felt thru your childhood

You’re so scared of failure it’s difficult to start anything

You struggle to take credit for things you did

You’ve can sense other people’s emotions as if they’re yours

You feel obliged to nurture, please and care for others

You struggle with chronic exhaustion and chronic pain

You don’t complain because ‘others have it worse’

You have the ability to endure everything to prove you’re strong

Living your life in fiction and Magical thinking

You had/have experiences with self harm

You’re scared to cut off toxic people from your life

Loud noises and figures of authority give you anxiety

Overtaking responsibility for everything

You feel compulsed to ‘act normal’ in every situation

You blame yourself for being stressed and procrastinating

You struggle with deep breathing, palpitations, overheating, dry mouth

Inside symptoms

Emotional symptoms of long term abuse

You have low self esteem and experience self-hatred

You feel that you need to be perfect, but others don’t have to

You crave approval from others very intensely

Anxiety while doing mundane tasks (cooking, cleaning, going out)

You don’t take happiness for granted, it scares you instead

You constantly feel pain and like ‘you need to get it together’

You’re afraid to feel your own emotions, you need a permission

You wish you had a physical evidence of abuse so it would count

You feel overwhelming guilt for things that happened to you

Confusing gaps in memory

You have cptsd symptoms

You struggle with intrusive thoughts and images

You’re always thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’

You’re uncomfortable with being comforted

You feel as if you crave abuse

You have trauma symptoms from childhood abuse

You have a sense of foreshortened future

You believe a tougher life will make you stronger

You believe that everyone deserves compassion except you

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

it’s time to shut down the lie that children who don’t grow up being hit, humiliated, and scared into obedience will grow up into spoiled, entitled, selfish monsters. there is zero truth to that. children grown in a healthy and nurturing environment will get a chance to grow up healthy. children who are raised by monsters who try to pretend that abuse is for the child’s sake and that the child would become a monster if not abused will be stripped of their health and will be denied an actual start in life and will be forced to fight for survival. I’ve had enough of abusers pretending they’re helping the child while they’re just taking and taking more and more away from them and leaving them permanently traumatized and emotionally injured. Don’t let them get away with it.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Me, having a hard time : It can only get better, right?

Things : *get significantly worse*

Me : Wow.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

Giving you food and clothing is the bare minimum

You don’t owe gratitude for food and clothes you needed as a child

You had the right for basic resources

Parents shaming you for costing money is ironic and stupid

What it means when they say ‘This is MY house’

My house = my rules is blackmail

Children don’t owe absolute obedience for being fed and sheltered

Physical abuse

You are allowed to refuse any touch, not only violence

If they ‘don’t know they’re hurting you’, why do they ignore or punish you when you protest?

Hitting children is irrational and doesn’t work

You cannot ‘provoke’ your parents to abuse you if they’re not abusive

Why do parents actually hit, manipulate and traumatize children

Blatant Lies

Care, nurture and affection do not make you weak

They’re lying when they say it ‘wasn’t that bad’‘

You wouldn’t have grown up spoiled if not for abuse

You got too affected by it’ is a lie

Your parents are not ‘just too emotionally immature’ to understand abuse

‘You’re not living in the real world!’ is nonsense

You’re not worthless, a burden, ungrateful, or stupid, and your parents know that.

Constant undermining of your accomplishments is abuse

Not being allowed to talk about the past is symptom of abuse

Parents who want you to be happy vs look happy

You are not abusive for resisting abuse

When they claim ‘they didn’t mean it’, it’s still abuse

Your parents are responsible for their own actions regardless of how badly they try to shift blame on you

Psychological abuse

Blind Obedience is not required in a healthy upbringing

Disgust is a weapon abusive parents use on their kids

If they say they love you, but walk all over your feelings, they don’t 

Parents don’t have the right to enter your room to scream at you

Parents insisting for you to be ‘tough’ are doing it to hide the trauma

Even if a kid acts like ‘they can take it’, it’s still abuse

Pretending abuse is discipline will leave children permanently scarred

It’s inhumane to control and shame children’s reactions to abuse

Why don’t you already know this? vs Teaching you necessary skills

Acting like they’ll change is escape sabotage

Parents are responsible for protecting children from harm

References to how healthy parenting looks like

Not being allowed to be angry with your parents is psychological abuse

If parents want you to act way you did when you were little, they’re dangerous

Threats about how hard your life will be later on, are bad for you

Lack of continuity and ever-changing rules will cause anxiety

Forced obedience will lead you to abusive relationships

Parents acting like you’re a ‘bad’ is a shame tactic to control you

There’s healthy and abusive ways to give children chores

Revisioning the past and insisting you remember it wrong is gaslighting

If your parents make you suicidal, they’re abusive

Parents threatening ‘they could be worse’ is abuse

Always assuming the worst intentions for your actions is wrong

Keeping children hostage in abuse is torture

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Anger at the injustice/violation of your health/safety/wellbeing is a sign you are healing - you are starting to see the abuse from the perspective of an adult with compassion for a child, not just the scared/trapped child who had to idolize your abusers and sacrifice yourself because you depended on them to survive.

It doesn’t really matter “why” they did it, it’s time to stop focusing on them and focus on you. How did you feel? How do you feel now? You deserve a voice. You deserve validation. You deserve compassion. You deserve healing.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

What abusers believe.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business.��

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

If a child is so afraid of getting in trouble that they don't come to their parents when they make a mistake that could possibly put their health or even their life in danger, then those parents have failed.

If something goes wrong, and the first thing that child thinks is, "oh god, my parents are gonna kill me," then the parents have failed.

If a child is afraid of their parents, if the child sees their parents as an active threat instead of a source of safety and guidance, then the parents have failed.

A parents job is to protect, to teach, to guide.

If a parent makes themself a danger to the child, in any capacity, then that parent has failed.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

You have done your part in trying to understand your parents. You did consider where they were coming from and why they were doing this, and it didn’t help. You’ve done enough trying to forgive them. You’ve made yourself and your feelings irrelevant far too many times already. You’ve asked yourself ‘why don’t they love me’ far too many times. You’ve cried enough because of them. You tried to deserve their love for far too long. You walked with your heart broken and chest empty far too many times. You’ve done enough. It’s been enough. You walk free of this with no obligation or shame on your part. You’ve done everything you could. You’ve given them every possible chance to stay in your life. You’ve allowed them lead you on, with fear and hope in your heart, for far too many times. You don’t have to do it ever again.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Most people only care about the unfairness of the world when it’s unfair towards them. When the unfairness works in their favour they’re happy to be complacent.

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[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Every time I think I’m getting better I start to spiral again. And as much as my friends say they love and care and want to be there for me there are small instances/interactions that occur proving that they in fact can’t or do not have the capacity to. I feel so alone and tired. God I’m tired. I really did the whole staying alive out of spite shit. This is exhausting. To what end?

They have cost me so much. I will never get it back. Never. Not in the same way. Maybe not in time.Plans change. Timelines shift. I get that. But this??! It’s too much.

I just want some help. Not the cold institutional kind.

The “I get it”

The “you get some rest, I’ll take over”

The “you’re not selfish for wanting to save yourself”

The “I really don’t need you to prove anything to me”

The “I’m sorry I didn’t recognise the signs, but I’m here now and I’m willing to put in the work too”

The “love and joy shouldn’t be at the cost of your tolerance/peace”

That type of help.

The help I often give out so freely.

Fuck I’m tired.

I really just wanna go.

I hope i have the strength to stay again.

[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

Feeling Myself

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[iputsugarinmyspaghettisauce]

ICONIC