invisible-river

[invisible-river]

Sun 26 Jan

Missed a couple of days there. Mainly as there hasn't been a great deal to write about. Life at home dribbles along with my housemate who is also my wife - after the brief fumble of last week, the switch is most certainly back in the off position.

I have wondered about having an affair a while back. To try find a woman who is the mirror image of what I'm going through (her husband lost interest) and have hot sex. Of course the reality is much more messy, and the other part of the truth is that I don't want anyone else. I've no idea how this will play out.

I'm finding it hard to escape Donald Trump in the news. The fucker is everywhere. He and his entourage have utterly mastered the skill of dominating the news cycle. Everyone feeds on it. As I said before, my main concern is with that reprehensible fucker Elon Musk. I am amazed he is where he is in the world with so much power and influence in the hands of a guy who has all the incisiveness of a petulant child. He's a cunt. A properly exhausting, overrated, boring, self-obsessed manchild cunt. I can only hope that somehow he will be found out for the bluffing useless bastard he is in the days to come. It does promise much, this current scenario where all the tech bros are sucking Trump's wrinkled, shrivelled orange penis. Something will go awry sooner rather than later.

It has occurred to me that the numbers among the extreme rich in the world are getting so astronomical that the very circulation of wealth elsewhere is getting depleted. It's just a feeling, a hunch. But surely there must be a root in reality? Money is not a limitless supply, so if the ultra-wealthy hoover up extra trillions between them and stash it somewhere, there are that many fewer trillions left to go around.

[invisible-river]

Day 6

A pretty pathetic day of freezing my ass off in my office doing web design work. I'm grateful for it, going in there and doing stuff I'll get paid for, rather than sitting on my ass passing the time whatever way I can.

I haven't gone near music. All that entusiasm and optimism is fading very fast. I can't find any motivation to do anything about it either. There are some tracks to finish for an artist I've been working with, and they are sounding good. But the guy I'm hoping will help us get them released is just too busy on other things. Yet again, waiting around, depending on others.

Small wins of the day:

FInished watching The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King as an enjoyably mindless escape

Had a nice cup of earl grey tea and one of the last remaining Christmas chocolate cookies (so good)

Quit Instagram (well, deactivated but I'm never going back). That prick Zuckerburg wrapping his thin lips around Trumps shrivelled orange cock and sucking as hard as he can in the hope of some presidential favour (or at least lack of vengeance) shows his true colours and I want no part of it.

Bought some nice wine for the end of the week - Oloroso sherry, a Colchagua carmenère, Spätburgunder, Gewürtztraminer (for a katsu curry) and a delicious Meerlust chardonnay. I had that one over the holidays and it was properly gorgeous.

Didn't drink anything for the third night this week

I'm pleased to be cutting back on alcohol during the week. Not that I was ever a raging drunk or anything, but I want that discipline of leaving it to weekends and buying nicer quality wine instead of quantity. Plus it might lose me a few pounds if I can keep moving.

I'm trying to think how I would define the life I want if someone gave me the chance. It's so vague. Something around music, but not limited to a single sphere. I'd like to do some soundtracks, some gigs, maybe write and produce for others. I guess I'd love to have my own nice studio and a budget to get some gear... but even saying that I've more gear than I could ever need and half of it doesn't get used. I don't need a 1965 Fender Princeton Reverb, I just want one. Twat.

I miss playing live - used to do a lot more of that. I have been playing with some people over the past year and it has been life-affirmingly fun. We are talking of doing some shows, but I'll believe it when I see it.

My wife is in the bath. Time was when I would go and stare at her beautiful body and maybe even hop in. Even the thought of that sounds so ridiculous now - she'd hate that. She'd hate me invading her space now, as she has her Tuesday night bath. Her time. Her thing. This is what we are becoming - apart, parallel. Once the kids leave home it will be ten times worse. Not sure we'll survive it but I can tell you hand on heart that I don't want anyone else, ever.

[invisible-river]

Jan 20, 2025

Well, wonders never cease. My wife came to bed frisky last night for the first time in quite a while. It was all a bit of a fumble really... nothing like it used to be. But I guess it was better than nothing. She was wearing little pyjama shorts that just allow more access. I can always tell as my hand meets her soft thighs whether it's on or not. She angles her body and turns to kiss me. She kisses strong, tongue searching and the passion builds. Before long she is wet, and demanding my fingers inside her. I like to use two hands, one on her clit and one or two inside. Often she'll hop up and lie on me, her ass pressing down on my hard cock... but never once has she let it pop inside, which I still fantasise she'll let me do one day. Eventually she just sort of runs out of steam. Sometimes I'll get a cursory wank in return, she makes me come. Sometimes I have to do it myself with my fingers in her vagina, her kissing me. But not this time, sadly. I do love going to sleep with her scent on my fingers - I cannot ever describe how divine her musky smell is. Sweet, deep. An exotic perfume that can never be matched. Amazing.

It will be enough to make me feel OK for a few nights before the dark gloom of realising the best days of sex are over forever returns.

Trump was inaugurated today. I listened to the whole speech. I'm sort of past caring about it. All the modern constructs of wealth and power lie in the hands of a very small number of people who either got lucky or have learned to play the system. I do wonder where it will lead us. That cunt Musk terrifies me more than all the rest put together. He's the saddest most charmless fucker I think I've ever seen in the public sphere, and that's saying something. People say he's a genius but I just see a bully who won't take no for an answer.

Trump has never struck me as smart. His absolute lack of eloquence and self-awareness speak volumes. But I think I'm getting a handle now on why so many people love him. It's simply because they think the same way. When they cheer when he says he's going to turn back the clock on the green deal and the move away from fossil fuels, it's because they want that too. As uncomfortable as it is, a vast number of people just don't give a flying fuck about anything except themselves.

It's going to be a fascinating few years for sure.

[invisible-river]

Day 4

Feeling oddly optimistic.

I guess because there's a good chance I'll land that project I went for last week - and that will take the pressure off a bit. It's been so shit financially, this past year. I run my own business. I've never earned less money than the past 12 months and it doesn't feel good to be in this position. Well, the combo of earning less and still not really having a clue what I'm doing with my life. I'm good at some things - music being the big passion I guess. But I can also code and for a long time that was my bread and butter. Maybe it still is, but god it feels so much better when I'm busy on music projects and I'm able to tell people about them instead of saying I'm working on some fucking website.

Here are some of my many flaws:

I am a procrastinator and fader. I start things with great entthusiasm then slowly lose interest or just stop doing them

I bend the truth. Talk a good game but always somehow manage to extend the bounds of reality to make myself sound better.

I fancy the fuck out of a neighbour who is also a friend's wife. I so, so would given half a chance. Thankfully that won't happen.

I continue conversations on WhatsApp with ex-lovers, one of whom I had a long sex-drenched fling with on a tour. No longer any interest in her but even so...

Here are some qualities:

I'm good at music. Like, really good / professional. I have worked with a lot of famous people and I know I've got something that is beyond the normal. I am not famous myself and don't want to be - but I would like to make a living from it if I can in the near future.

I am good at getting people excited about things. I described a sparkling wine today and by the end the guy I was describing it to said he was totally intrigued and wrote down the name so he could get some

Despite the fuckups listed above, I am straight with people and like to be honest. I have good friends that trust me deeply and I them.

I have a long attention span and can apply myself beyond belief once I'm into a project I love.

I have wondered if I'm bisexual, but my taste in trying things with another man is so niche, I'm not sure it would even count. I don't want to kiss them, for example, or have any kind of romance. I'd just like to play with them for a bit, especially if part of a fun threesome thing. Dream on, asshole. Ain't gonna happen.

[invisible-river]

Day 3

There's a bit in The Two Towers where Eowyn looks back at Aragorn with a look of adoration in her eyes. I've felt that look on me before but even to imagine it is so alien to me now. I'll never have a girl look at me like that again... or at least I can't see a world where that can happen. It's quite a painful feeling.

I've been married for over 20 years. She is the love of my life, of that there is no doubt. But age and circumstance have taken her libido now, and she only finds physical joy in her dance classes. It's very hard to live with day to day, and we are growing apart like some iceberg that will eventually calve and dissolve into the cold sea. Good sex is a thing of the past. I'm left with the choice to find someone else for that side of the human need or just accept it. I eventually cracked under pressure before Christmas late one night and spilled my guts on this whole subject. She got teary and many things were said quietly in the dark, but fuck all has changed and deep down I know they never will. I have no more energy to talk about it.

Like a lot of men my age I guess it's all just reduced to the odd furtive wank with Pornhub while the family are out. Fucking pathetic. I get jealous of the ease with which young people seem to slide into bed in various TV shows, where sex is just a fun thing to do.

I don't spend my whole days wallowing in misery with this stuff. It's just brought home every night as she lies there on her phone or reading then turns off the light and says goodnight. Two feet but precisely one universe away from me.

[invisible-river]

Pretty uneventful day. I wrote a proposal for a job that in an ideal world I wouldn’t do but it could be a lot worse as the money isn’t bad and I know I can do it well and quite easily. The reason I’d rather not do it is that it’s a web development job and I’m trying to spend more time on music projects, but trying to get work in that world is an uphill struggle to say the least. I’m just taking whatever I can get to keep the wolf from the door - that hairy long-toothed bastard is starving and has a look in his eye I don’t like one bit.

I was supposed to be going on tour with an artist in February but that’s all gone to shit. Poor ticket sales mean the budget just isn’t there. So it’s toast. Fuck it. Would have been fun.

[invisible-river]

Jan 18 - David Lynch #RIP

This is my secret blog. I didn't know there was such a concept but I saw it on some fucker's New Year's Resolutions thing and fancied it.

The brilliant thing about this is no-one gives a fuck. Not a single person. I can say what I want and fully intend to. This is total selfish therapy. If you're reading it, fuck knows how you found it and I wish you well but you're unlikely to get much from it.

It's half past midnight. I’m lying in bed propped up on some pillows typing this. I'd love to be having some relaxed sex, but my wife's downstairs with her massage gun watching some show on TV. Those carefree intimate sessions before sleep are long gone and it's a fucking nightmare realising that's it, forever - made all the more galling because my wife is genuinely beautiful. She just doesn't feel those urges anymore.

The massage gun was a Christmas present which she loves (great), but now it sounds like they are digging up the road all the fucking livelong day (shit). I half wish I'd never got the thing. Noise-cancelling headphones help. I watched a bit of The Two Towers with a blanket over my head and laptop screen which makes a surprisingly good little mini-cinema, but now I'm bored of that so started this.

David Lynch died today but I don't know his work that well so I'm not really in mourning like some people are. Never even watched Twin Peaks. Have I even seen any of his movies? Fuck's sake - I'm such a cultural lettuce I don't really know what movies he even made except Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive. Going for a google of his films...

Oh right. He didn't make that many. I saw Dune. That's it. Hardly a fucking fan, am I?

I hope I keep this up but I probably won't. That's my thing. Start full of enthusiasm and fade like a child riding a bike up a hill. Wish me luck.