inveritatemea

[inveritatemea]

Intention vs Expectation

This week has been about realizing that expectations and control are fear based, and that you can’t control the outcome, because when you try, not only doesn’t it work, but you open yourself up to unhappiness and hurt. 

Today I realized that I have to let go of the outcome. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means that I am allowing myself the freedom to be in this moment and to have intentions that are free of control. I am focusing on being in this moment, however I am. My thoughts about my intentions are about feeling calm, clear and connected. When I feel calm, clear and connected, I am at my best. I can do my best work, and I am at my most peaceful. 

I am approaching this moment with love. Whatever comes up with I say this thought, I let it. I can feel it, in my chest, welling up. I love that too. Calm, clear and connected is my intention. 

[inveritatemea]

reminder

I was talking with Katie the other day about how the people you conflict with or don’t like are a reflection of something in you that you conflict with and don’t like. It reveals where you need to focus on.It is uncomfortable. That’s a good indicator too. wow

I was thinking today about my own personal work and my struggle for clarity and my circle of connectedness and the laws of attraction and how people who don’t align with my belief in my own value are no longer in my life. But some of them remain on the outskirts. Not gone completely. Peripheral

Thinking about those two things and thinking of turning that around. What’s the other side of this. Those negative people, some of them are not in my life, but are still attached. They are family. They are not in my immediate vision but remain always on the periphery.

Some negativity remains on the periphery and never leaves. Why? People you have conflict with are a reflection of something in yourself. They reveal where you need to keep working.

They are a reminder that it’s a choice. The incredible value of knowing your why. The reminder that struggle without purpose is suffering, and struggle with purpose is growth.

[inveritatemea]

holding space

It’s a hard thing, this reshaping of a life.... and in a lot of ways today feels like day one, all over again. It wasn’t the easiest day, but I made it through. I took photos, I had a nap (can I hear a hellz ya for naps?), and I visited some horses. All wonderfully restorative things. Today could have gone much differently, but I made the space for myself. Holding space is the most incredible and compassionate thing you can do for another person. Doing it for yourself feels like the most amazing gift.

I’m going to be ok. I’m going to be better than ok, in fact. One day at time.

[inveritatemea]

turn the page

I’m going to take the words of wisdom I last posted and use them to full effect today. The last remains of my old life, or at least the last five years of it, is gone. Turn the page. Over and gone, and it’s time to breath, forgive and move on. It’s hard, this reshaping of a life. I read an article yesterday that talked about signs that you are evolving. The feeling of isolation. The introspection. The fear. The lack of focus and restless feeling. Something about your left brain taking over things and your right brain being overwhelmed. It’s all normal, apparently. Many people feel all this and stop what they’re doing because it’s so bloody uncomfortable, when in fact they should lean into it more. 

So I’m leaning into it. I have come a long way in the last year. This last shedding of the old is particularly difficult, possibly because it is the last. Or possibly it’s the bit I hung onto longest because I wasn’t ready. Either way, I’m here at this new place. It’s raw here, and I’m feeling particularly fragile. It’s time to go slowly, and to be gentle with myself. Something I never really understood before this whole metamorphosis. Now I let flow what emotions come and I don’t try to stop them. I acknowledge them. And I let them go again. And I trust, even more wholeheartedly than before, that I will attract what I need, if I am open to the process. I’m hanging a lot on that trust. I know that I have come a long way, and I know this process works. That said, this is a shaky time for me emotionally. I am feeling even more vulnerable than normal, and the urge to crawl under the covers is pretty strong. It’s warm there, dark and safe. But nothing comes of being there. 

Breath.

Forgive.

Move on.

[inveritatemea]

No words of wisdom beyond this.

Breath. Forgive. Move on.

Happy weekend everyone

❤ ∞

[inveritatemea]

💡

New pledges are the worst. I have a long history of not finishing. I may have already mentioned it ... (yup, right here). So I was disappointed but not surprised when the day came and went and despite looking and thinking and trying really hard... I had nothing. No blog, no words, nothing even remotely coherent.

I personally am guilty of placing obstacles in front of what I want to accomplish. Today was busy... I had things to do, places to go, errands to run. Otherwise known as obstacles (or avoidance... a future topic). All my self professed trying and looking and thinking, derailed by my own self created obstacles.  How bloody convenient. And yet, here I am, writing about it. 

I mentioned to someone that the more I try and force it, the harder it is, and the worse I get, and .... 💡 

I bet I’m not alone. I bet you do it too. Force something and it doesn’t happen, let it go, and it flows. Frustrating, but true. So what to do? Can we strike a balance between forcing creativity and letting go control over getting it done? Can we intentionally be open to letting things happen? 

There’s something to this force it/don’t force it thing. The paradox of doing nothing to get something done, and yet being intentional. Food for thought, maybe. But hey, the post is written. Not well, but hell. Better finished, than perfect, right? 

[inveritatemea]

doggone it

When I started really digging into this changing of my core beliefs, I had to continually remind myself of my why, my value, and my goals. I felt a bit like Stuart Smalley, (and doggone it, people like me). It was hard work to not feel like it wasn’t ridiculous and totally cheesy. On my best days, I could see the possibility it could work. On my worst days... well, I breathed. (Yup, small goals) 

Do any of you have these little daily practices? I am still continually reminding myself, immersing myself in positive posts, videos and audio clips, because I know that a good deal of my feathers are still impervious to it, and it rolls like water off a duck’s back, especially on my low days. I am now the secret follower of several “personal improvement” pages on Facebook that continually spew those great inspirational memes and quotes. Conversely, I ruthlessly cull negativity from my social feeds (you are free to believe what you like, but I don’t feel obligated to listen or watch.) 

Surround yourself with whatever it takes. Create the supports that work for you, because (come on... say it with me)  “I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.”

[inveritatemea]

enough already!

Being enough. Feeling worthy. It feels like lately my every thought can be brought down to this. I spent my entire life, literally, feeling unworthy. It took my entire life to finally realize it. (It’s down there, a few posts back, if you’re curious.) Now that I’m pushing back against this core belief, I am realizing some things. 

First, when you begin to change your core belief, the world around you reacts. Sounds like New Age mumbo jumbo, and believe me, I would have been the first one to call bullshit on that theory. But it’s true. I have always been someone who needs proof. I need evidence, or I don’t believe it. This thing works. It requires a leap of faith though... or to put it another way, the courage to be vulnerable and dare greatly. Trust that it will work out. No half measures though, you gotta go all in. I’m seeing changes. I am attracting the things I have been seeking. People that don’t align with this belief are falling away. It’s been happening for months (years?). When I realized my own value, others did too... or didn’t, and they are no longer in my life, and have no control over my future. 

Second, I am able to see others with a lot more empathy. We all have this ludicrous belief that we are not enough. On some level, it permeates the thinking of so many of us. There is some comfort to be realized in that fact. I am not alone. You are not alone. All of us struggle with this same thing, to some degree. The answer to reaching past this feeling of not being enough is in sharing it.  That leap of faith (yeah, it’s a theme, I know) is the answer. Dare greatly. Be all in, right now.  

[inveritatemea]

what comes next

“If you know that tomorrow you have to say something about something you noticed, about something that might help someone else, about an opinion you have that might stand the test of time, you will form those opinions, you will notice those things, you will invent that idea. And if day after day week after week you leave this trail behind of thoughtful examination of your world, you can’t help but get better at whatever it is you seek to do. And if as a byproduct other people read it and trust you more, that’s a jackpot. 

My goal is to be trusted in a way that I can make the change that I seek to have happen in the world. Return on trust. How do you gain permission to talk to people in a way that they want to be talked to? You don't do that with SEO and with gaming social media strategies. You do that by showing up in a way that you’d want someone to show up for you.”

~Seth Godin

A few months ago I picked up “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. The basis of her 12 week program is “morning pages”, where you write, every morning, before doing anything else, whatever comes to your head. I’ve been doing this for a few months, and on the rare occasion when I haven’t been able to, I’ve had this sense like I’ve missed something, forgotten something crucial, akin to that feeling when you forget to put your watch on or forget to pocket your phone. After listening to Seth Godin’s interview with Marie Forleo, I thought I’d try my hand at daily blogging as well... he has been blogging every single day for 26 years. Let that sink in for a moment. 26 years. That’s almost 9500 posts. On top of 18 books and countless articles, interviews, etc.... I think I can manage a blog post a day, right? 

I have a long history of not following through. Life long. Far longer than my newfound determination to stick to something and actually follow through. The day I filled an entire journal with morning pages was a momentous one. I will keep that book of scribbled pages forever. And the next one, and the next. I completed 1000 daily photo posts. I can do a daily written post. 

I can’t promise I’ll always have massively wise things to say, but I’ll do my best to bring my best. So, here we go.... let’s see what comes next. 

[inveritatemea]

Why Create?

This is an Arcanum post from February 2015.

Why Create? Recently I was challenged to think about what motivates me when I go out and shoot. What drives me? I've been hitting these walls lately, and it's been tough, trying to figure what's going on. So many questions and so few answers. I've been mulling over all of it since last week, when +Ron Clifford and I had a chance to talk. Today was something of an epiphanous day. I tend to pick up little snippets of information, ideas etc, from a lot of different places, and sometimes they all coalesce into something concrete. Various things I've read lately along with my conversation with Ron all pointed to getting to the heart of things. The truth of what drives me. Being totally honest. What is it about creating that I love? For me it's the process, it's not the subject, it's the whole deal, the hunt for a shot, all of the thought processes involved, seeing the intention, then editing and finishing the image. The entire process is zen for me. But that still leaves the "why". I tend to do a lot of free form thinking, especially when I'm walking. I have lots of opportunities, since I walk nearly every day. Today the free form thinking and all those snippets coalesced into a sort of personal revelation. It's funny, when they happen, they're earth shattering (and in this case, painful) , but in hindsight, they're so damned obvious, you wonder how the hell you didn't see them before. So forgive me if what I'm about to say is blatantly obvious to all of you lol. I create to explore relationships. But at the heart of it, I am exploring myself. Poking the tender bits to gauge the reaction and seeing if they can be mended. Attempting to prove to myself that I have worth. Realizing it left me a bit dumbstruck. Having some time to think about it more, thinking back on my past images, and it's so stupidly obvious. But more than that, the most exciting part, is that now I have a much clearer view of what I'm doing and how I shouldwill move forward. I feel energized now, even thought it's subzero January. 

Ok... so that was the distilled version. I’m going to expand on it a little bit now, without spilling the entire can of worms (or is it beans, I don’t know.... mixed metaphors lol). 

This question of why goes to our core beliefs, and everything we think and do and feel stems from it, whether we are aware of what they are or not. (The question of can we change those beliefs is another discussion, and I’d love to know the answer, because my core beliefs are not positive ones.) At the heart of my core beliefs is the rejection by my mother that goes back as far as I can remember. That rejection had a lifelong impact on my sense of myself, and my sense of my own worth, and by extension what I perceive to be my worth to everyone I meet. It made me very sensitive and attuned to the undercurrents of interactions between others. I create to explore those interactions. I’m compelled to capture what I see because I’m exploring myself. 

"In this love you are like a knife, with which I explore myself" 

Franz Kafka

I by turns need validation from others and don't care what people think. I don't necessarily need praise, but it takes very little to shake my belief in myself. (Not caring what people think is my defense mechanism, I think... a sort of passive aggressive oppositional defiance) Criticisms are internalized, examined, worried over, gnawed at, and put away, added to a lifetime of perceived verbal slights and attacks. It's almost as though I'm validating my mother's knowledge that I am, on some level, repulsive. She was right, she was right, she is right.

Fear of rejection is something that we all deal with on some level. It’s probably one of the most common fears people have for not starting a new venture. Fear of rejection for me goes beyond that to hitting the core of my belief system. I am only now at the beginnings of being able to push back on that. There are days when I fully believe in my ability to push through, and then days when it’s an impenetrable wall I feel I’ll never scale.

“Ultimately photography is about who you are. It's the truth in relation to yourself. And seeking truth becomes a habit.”

Leonard Freed

So my “why” is this. I create to explore relationships, yes, but that’s a broad statement. By exploring relationships, I explore myself, to understand myself and to heal myself.  Photography is the vehicle for that exploration and that discovery.