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invaded-identity · 7 years ago

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50 Powerful Questions That Can Help You Identify The Signs Of Emotional Abuse

By Shahida Arabi, March 28th 2018 (https://tcat.tc/2pJokd0)

TW: Emotional/psychological/narcisstic abuse, coersion, general crappy-human-being shit

1. Does your partner enjoy humiliating you in public?

Not especially. Nothing stands out in my memory. I am often the butt of jokes, though.

2. What is the worst way in which your partner has used your own insecurities against you?

Telling me that I was going to fail at my future career. Triangulating with other women to make me feel bad about myself and my appearance.

3. Do you find that the way your partner treated you in the beginning of the relationship is unrecognizable from the way your partner treats you now?

I can’t even remember. We were so young, and it was 8-10 years ago. But yes, I do suppose it was very different.

4. How often does your partner make you feel sorry for them after mistreating you?

Every single time. It seems that everything is always my fault.

5. Are you persistently made to feel guilty for voicing your concerns in the relationship?

Absolutely. In his mind, we would work out if I would just “try,” and if I would “stop living in the past.”

6. Does your partner shame you about qualities or traits you have that they once praised?

I think so. I think at one point he appreciated my independence, wit, and opinions--or at least he acted that way. Now my only option is to agree with him, and never use sarcasm in any way that he decides makes him look stupid.

7. Does your partner shut down conversations about their behavior before they even have a chance to begin?

Yes.

8. Is your partner nicer and more respectful to others in public than they are to you behind closed doors?

Absolutely.

9. When your partner gives you the silent treatment, do they usually explain themselves or do they continue to ignore you and come back only to pretend like nothing ever happened?

Yes and no. Typically, there is an expectation that he will speak to me once I’ve apologized for what I’ve done to him. Though he does pretend like nothing happened in other situations.

10. Does your partner continuously claim that you’re too sensitive when you express your emotions?

No. He doesn’t verbalize that. He just gets angry when I express emotions and assumes that I’m wrongfully upset at him.

11. Do you find yourself questioning your own reality on a daily basis?

Not so much anymore, but yes. Typically my memory.

12. Have you been made to doubt things that you know for a fact your partner has said or done?

Yes. I caught him cheating twice, and he continued to deny it, call me paranoid, and change the subject.

13. Does your partner call you names when he or she doesn’t get their way?

Yep. Cunt, bitch, ass hole, whatever else.

14. Are you afraid to express your true feelings around your partner because of the way they’ve reacted to you in the past?

Yes.

15. Do you feel like your accomplishments are belittled, ignored or minimized by your partner?

100% every time. Typically ignored altogether.

16. How often are you made to feel insecure and invisible when your partner engages in conversations with people of the opposite sex?

Most of his friends are women, though I’m not sure he’s interested in a romantic sense, but pretty much always, unless they are a mutual friend.

17. Does your partner frequently compare you to others in a demeaning way in terms of appearance, personality, success or any other aspect of yourself they like to criticize?

Yes, it has happened.

18. Do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around this person, careful what to say or do just to avoid “offending” them?

Yes. I feel like I exist in an eggshell when he is around.

19. Does the way your partner looks at or talks about other women or men (whoever they are attracted to) make you feel uncomfortable?

Yeah. He can be really gross sometimes, he’s also started kind of leering at women. I suppose he’s better than other men, but it's still gross.

20. Has your partner reminded you of how lucky you are to have them, usually after an outburst?

Yep, something to the effect of “you aren’t going to find anything better, this is as good as it gets.”

21. Does your partner have frequent rage attacks when their ego is threatened?

Every time.

22. If you call out your partner’s behavior, do they become excessively angry?

I don’t usually anymore, mostly because I don’t care enough and I’m just biding my time (12 days), but before, when I wanted to salvage the relationship--yes.

23. Are you allowed to ever point out your partner’s mistakes, even in a light-hearted manner?

No, no, no. He is beyond reproach.

24. How often does your partner make you feel ashamed about qualities and accomplishments you used to be proud of?

Honestly, it’s been so long that I don’t remember the qualities I used to be proud of. I’m starting to find qualities that I’m proud of currently. The one I can think of is my independence.

25. Do you find yourself apologizing for things you’re not at fault for in the relationship?

All the time.

26. Has your partner ever compared you to others and made you feel as if you were in ‘competition’ with other people for their attention and love?

Yep. I’ve been told, “I have N___, I don’t need you for that anymore.”

27. Do you find yourself apologizing for the mistakes that your partner made but refuses to own up to?

No. He taught me long ago that this is a big no-no. I am not to apologize on his behalf. Big fight.

28. How many times has your partner accused you of having flaws that they themselves possess?

I don’t see this so much. Maybe that I’m antisocial and standoffish.

29. In what ways has your partner turned the things you used to enjoy doing into things you dread doing?

Hmm...like everything? Sex definitely. Though I’ve only been with him, I couldn’t stand it the last 6 months or so. I’m glad I don’t have to anymore--with him anyway. I miss sex in general at this point, though I’m not sure I’ve ever had good sex.

30. How does your body react when you’re around your partner?

Ohh good question. I think I tense up, try to make myself small. Try to shrink into the wall.

31. Do you feel overly anxious when you think about how your partner treats you?

No, not really. We’ve been fighting so much lately, and I’ve been standing up for myself, so I feel sort of desensitized at this point. But yes, I have in the past. Now I just don’t care.

32. How many ways have you wasted time trying to please your partner, only to learn that they are never satisfied with anything you do?

Every way. Almost every time. Only now he brings up the nice things I did--notes, gifts, traveling hundreds of miles every week-as the expectation for how he should be treated. At the time it was nothing, and never enough.

33. In what ways do you feel you have to ask permission from your partner before you do something?

I asked permission to get an iPhone instead of a Samsung. What to cook for dinner. When to visit my family. Anything really.

34. Have you ever gotten the sense that your partner is envious and hateful when you’re happy and successful?

I can’t pinpoint an example. But yes.

35. Does your partner seem happy when you’re in pain?

I would say no. But he definitely did seem to be happier with me when I was deeply depressed. Part of this was likely because I was so passive to his wants and needs, but I also feel like he has this romanticized view of depression. He sees himself as a savior. But he was mad that he couldn’t “make me happy.”

36. Does your partner often comfort you, come to the rescue and ‘play the savior’ for the pain that they themselves caused?

Omg ^^ Not so much anymore though.

37. Do you find that your partner gives you more negative feedback and criticism about yourself than they do encouragement?

I’m not sure the last time I was encouraged to do something. Maybe last year when I wanted to get on medication, he was very encouraging of that. He continued to encourage it after I decided it wasn’t for me.

38. Has your partner punished you for making choices independent of their opinion?

Yes.

39. Have you ever felt limited in your ability to see your loved ones because of your partner?

Yep. Though I can’t entirely blame it all on him--I spent no time with my mom for most of the high school and the entirety of undergrad. I only went home to sleep.

40. How frequently does your partner call or text you to “check in” when you’re not with them?

I never realized he did this. He’s very needy and can only go so long without attention. Usually, he’ll call me and then one or both of his parents. It never occurred to me that he was checking in because the conversation was always about him, but that would have made sense too.

41. Has your partner ever coerced you into sexual activities you weren’t comfortable with?

Most of the time lately. I’ve never felt comfortable saying no. When we were younger he would sit and pout and throw a fit and act “bored.” I had to initiate sex. For years he never did. It was always me chasing after him--even if I didn’t want it. If I didn’t ask him, he would get angry and treat me badly. Lately, it was just easier to pay the piper the first time, because if I demurred he would just come back a few hours later, and usually wouldn’t take a no then. At least this way I had some control. He never seemed to care that I was clearly not interested ahead of time, but got mad when I wasn’t enthusiastic during or afterward.

42. Has your partner ever made you feel guilty for not having sex with them?

Yes.

43. Do you fear leaving your partner, out of the fear that they might harm you or harm themselves?

No. I fear the chaos, badgering, and terrorism.

44. Does your partner discourage you from pursuing dreams or goals that would make you independent of them?

Not so much. I pursued my education and career which is now allowing me to get free of him. I think he just saw it as I would have a good job and could contribute a decent amount of money to the relationship.

45. How often do you feel like you’re pleading for your partner’s affection or attention?

Never now. But in the past, it was all the time.

46. How many times has your partner insulted you and made you feel terrible, all while claiming “it was just a joke”?

None that come to mind, but I know it happened.

47. Have you been told you’re too sensitive when you start setting boundaries with your partner?

Not sensitive. Generally just that I don’t care enough and I’m selfish.

48. When your partner is acting kind, does it seem out of place with the way they usually act?

Uh not necessarily. He vacillates between kind and pissed so frequently that its just part of his bull shit.

49. Does your partner treat you tenderly and affectionately one second, only to pull back and coldly withdraw?

Yes, when he wants to he’s affectionate, but when he doesn’t its nothing.

50. When your partner tells you they love you, do you have a hard time believing them because the way they act is anything but loving?

He hasn’t told me he loves me in over a year when he discarded me. I think this is because he now expects me to tell him first, and then he might say it. That is my responsibility--but I don’t feel that way. I do have a hard time believing him when he talks about wanting to make the relationship work. He just wants me to do shit for him.

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invaded-identity · 7 years ago

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Social Abuse and Communication Abuse: Abuse that will affect the way socialize and see yourself within a social group, and the way you’re able to express and communicate. Bold or copy ones done to you, italicize and copy if you’re not sure! Alternatively, just count how many apply to you and write down the numbers.

Communication abuse:

abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying

abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions

abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness

abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should

abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)

abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions

abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient

abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say

abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies

abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else

abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot

abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate

abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you

abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do

abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched

abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it

abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it

abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them

abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments

abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions

Social abuse:

abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others

abuser humiliating you in front of others

abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others

abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you

abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions

abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems

abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is

abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it

abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well

abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it

abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you

abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you

abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you

abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you

abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing

abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you

abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission

abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters

abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to

abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you

abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone

abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence

abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of

abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it

abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you

abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you

abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role

abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention

abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)

abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation

abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation

abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape

abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are

abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)

If you bold more than 5 of these, you’ve been abused and sabotaged from ever establishing a healthy way of expressing, communicating and socializing with others. In other words, no you’re not bad at expressing, you’re not bad at communication, you’re not at fault for struggling to socialize, this was done to you to sabotage you from ever having a healthy start. (also if you’re struggling with social anxiety it’s very likely abuse has played a part in it, or at least made it worse)

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