intrige

[intrige]

I hva cptsd and ocd, possibly adhd. And the other day i found out that: I have too bad of an eyesight to get lazer og the other ond with pernenant lences. Now that's a bummer for sure. But what knoked me down was that i have -12 with only 20% sight on my right eye. And on the left good eye i have -9 and 90% sight. But they tought it was at 70 for years until now, when we tested again. Så what made me almost cry when i found out is that: i have lived my whole life thinking ny left eye was at 100% and my right at about 50 to 60%. My collegted eyesight is 110 - 200. I am 110 % blind what the fuck? Hoat am i missing on whose with perfetct eyesight? Without my thick heavy glasses i would be helpless and die in the wild. There is an awful reason for thise shitty eyeballs. I was a premie, born at 24 weeks. 4 month before due date. I could've died, gotten braindamage for brainbleed or developed CP. But instead i thoughed out the infection i was born with and escaped desth many times. What i got instead was bad eyesight geens, eye damage from hosbital lights and a vein in my eye that almost made blind in the right eye. I am so damn lucky to be physically healty. Now at 30 yo i finally understad the gravity and conseqenses of my impairment. Wanna know the best part? I have a thein brother. His eyes are perfect. I literary can't get mentally ill. He's in perfect health. So while i ley here wondering if i will ever drive a car, having a neurpdivergent brain , and seasonal depression. He lives that big city life. He's in a punk band and meets girls from the too shelp. While I the wee blind lebian gotta all 15 of'em. My life is a joke. And if i was born just 10 years earlier i would not have survived. So yeah my brain sucks and my eyes sucks and my life sucks.

[intrige]

Sometimes I wonder if I truly am the eye of my own mind, of if it plays me like a fiddle to survive its own madness. How much more have it pushed down for me to deal with later? How many emotions awaits to reach the surface as a last ditch effort for me to actually listen? I know I need therapy, and sometimes during these past few months the need to self termenate has been strong. But I know what is happening. It's a self destruct button for suffering, it's so ironic isn't it? The brain wants to avoid pain at all costs, and when it figures out that IT itself is causing the pain, then it wants to turn itself off, forever. As if this clump of electrisity can comprehend what forever is, or that it will solve anything. My mom helped put words for it into my vocabulary. My Ego is fighting like hell with my Super Ego for survival. It's an internal comflict, a war of the minds. I am winning of course, my inner strength is luckily emense, I will prevail. I am truly beginning to properly comprehend how much of an iceberg the mind is, and that I need to learn to interpret the little I get to the surface for my own benifit. To take it as it is and not push it soemwhere for my own comfort. Listen to my mind, simply put. I have spent so many years surviviing one mental illness after another. Survival itself is so demanding for mind and body. I need to get better so I can do more than just survive. What is it they say about Marslow's pyramid, about how the basic needs being met before learning to live and self actualize? I think it is so for the mind also, not that THAT is a new revelasion. But I feel it now, differently.

I have greaved my life many times. How bad things have happened to me, how I was born with a sensetive brain, I was dealt a bad hand, yet, so very lucky. For living in norway, having afamily who loves me and can house me for the time being, for getting finansial aid from the gov cuz im so sick. Yet I have greaved my future and all the missed oppertinities I will have because of my mental health. But I am dead set on having a life with dignity, whatever that entails, with happiness and kindness towards myself. It is so easy for me to be kind to people, and animals, and children. But I am not very kind to myself. I have tried to be, I might need to learn that in therapy someday soon. We'll see how that goes once I get into the system again.

Thats all for now❤