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inthedarkbeforethedawn · 27 days ago

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duality of a day

2.7k || ao3

Carlos Reyes had a complicated relationship with his wedding anniversary.

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Hi, hello. It's been over a year, but I finished something. Enjoy!

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Carlos Reyes had a complicated relationship with his wedding anniversary.

It wasn’t a fact he was proud of, but it was undeniable. On the one hand, he loved TK, and he loved being married to TK. It had almost been an entire year and he still couldn’t say the word husband without smiling. In so many ways that day had been one of the best days of his life.

But in so many others, it had been one of the hardest. It was a wonder his heart hadn’t succumbed to the pressure of trying to feel so many things at once: the love that filled every part of him when he looked at TK across the altar, the bliss that washed over him when he was finally pronounced his husband. It was magical, and Carlos would cherish every second of that memory for the rest of his life.

And yet, that memory was only completely happy if he didn’t focus on what was missing.

Every single thing about that day had been perfect; a fairytale he had been writing for himself since childhood come true. Everything, except for the one person that wasn’t there.

Growing up a part of Carlos had always wondered if there was a chance he would get married without his parents there to see it. He had pictured all sorts of horrific reactions to him coming out and until it happened, the possibilities had haunted him. Even once that hurtle had been cleared he had never felt fully convinced; worried that the act of him marrying another man would be too much for them and that when the time came, they wouldn’t be there.

When the actual day came a small, desperate part of Carlos almost wished that had been the case. Knowing his dad wasn’t there because he didn’t approve would have been so much better than the truth. Knowing his dad was out there somewhere, choosing to not be there was better than knowing that he was gone for good and that Carlos would never see him again.

Sometimes in his memories, he was there; standing next to Carlos as he should have been: handsome in the tux he died in, smile wide and eyes bright with emotion as he handed Carlos the ring.

In that way, he preferred the imagined version to the real thing.

But in every other, there was no changing the day that it had been. He declared his love for TK in front of all their family and friends and made a vow to spend the rest of his days with him — even if recent events had shown him just how short that very well could be. He had been hugged by more people than he could name, and the song that TK had asked Tommy to perform for him touched his soul in a way nothing else ever had, or likely would again. It was so perfect, and yet it wasn’t.

So yeah, Carlos had a complicated relationship with his anniversary.

He knew that TK was aware. As the first one drew near his husband approached the topic as one might a spooked horse.

“Our anniversary is in two weeks,” he had told Carlos as if the date hadn’t been forever ingrained in his brain, “what do you want to do?”

Immediately Carlos wanted to deflect and just echo the question back to his husband. But he couldn’t bring himself to, because it felt like the wrong question. Maybe the better one was 'which anniversary?'

So he remained quiet in the wake of the question and TK rushed on, “We can do whatever you want,” he assured Carlos, “even if that’s nothing.”

At this, Carlos looked up from his plate and met his husband’s eyes across the table. “You’d be okay ignoring our first anniversary?” He asked, voice tinged with an incredulity he couldn’t shake.

“Carlos,” TK replied, setting down his fork and giving his husband his full attention, “every day with you is special, I don’t need to celebrate just one of them. Plus,” he added as Carlos smiled at his words, “I understand what you might be going through and I know it’s not easy.”

And Carlos’s smile fell at the reminder that TK had experienced this form of loss as well. It just wasn’t fair, not for either of them. “It feels wrong,” he said by way of replying, “to celebrate that day, considering what happened a few days before.”

TK nodded understandingly but didn’t say anything, and Carlos took that as a sign to keep talking.

“What’s worse is I know what he would say,” he told TK wryly. “He would tell me to not let him ruin our day, that we deserve our happiness, everything else be damned.” He paused to swallow down the tears that threatened at the thought, “Which then leads to me thinking that I can’t help but disappoint him, no matter what. I’m just too soft, again.

The dining room echoed with heavy silence as he stopped talking. He turned his eyes to his plate, not sure what he would see in his husband’s eyes but unwilling to find out.

“Carlos,” TK said softly, “you know your dad never thought that. He was proud of you – all of you. Big heart and all.”

“I know,” Carlos replied, voice barely a whisper. “But I spent so long thinking it, it’s hard to forget it.”

There was the sound of a chair scraping against the floor and the next thing Carlos knew TK was behind him, leaning over and wrapping his arms around Carlos’s shoulders. He closed his eyes and leaned into the embrace gratefully. “I know what it’s like to have things you regret in your past,” TK said after a few more moments of silent embrace, “and I know what it’s like to feel that you’ve disappointed your parents in ways they can never forgive. But I was wrong about that; they always found a way to forgive me because their love for me was stronger than the worst things I had done.”

Carlos let TK’s words wash over him, trying not to picture a younger version of his husband young and scared that he had lost his parents’ love forever. It was easy, because when he closed his eyes he could see himself in that position instead: awkward and seventeen at the kitchen table, spilling his greatest secret and waiting for the pin to drop. But TK was right; it hadn’t been the end. It may have been rocky and there may have been years of silence that Carlos would never forgive himself for, but eventually they had cleared the air and it turned out that the love had always been there; strong and unconditional.

“I may not have been there for all of it,” TK continued, “but I was there for enough to tell you with absolute certainty that your dad loved you so much. And that he was so, so proud of you. You’ve never disappointed him, and he would hate to hear that you think you ever could have.”

“When did you become such an expert on my dad?” Carlos asked wryly, deflecting away from the rush of emotions that flooded him.

“Did you think you had the monopoly on father-in-law adventures?” TK asked incredulously. “You and my dad aren’t the only ones that went on a secret rescue mission together. Turns out there’s a lot of time to talk while you’re waiting for stuff to happen, and there was only one topic. That, and we used to meet up for lunch once in a while.”

So much about that day he has been kept prisoner in a stranger’s kitchen was hazy, but he did distinctly remember when he came to that it was his dad and TK there with him, wearing matching looks of relief as his dad wrapped them both in a hug that Carlos wished had never ended. More than anything he wished he could feel his father’s embrace one more time, but the memory would have to do.

“I know you’re right,” Carlos admitted. “But sometimes I think it’s easier to focus on the doubts than how much I miss him.”

TK hummed in understanding and squeezed his arms around him one more time before he pulled himself away and moved to the chair next to Carlos. “Do you trust me?” he asked, and Carlos raised an eyebrow.

“More than anyone,” he replied without hesitation, but he couldn’t shake a sense of suspicion. “Why?”

“Because I think I have an idea for our anniversary, if you’re okay with me making the plans alone.”

“No big parties or anything,” Carlos instantly objected, “but other than that, sure. I trust you, and it’s your anniversary too.”

TK smiled softly and reached across to squeeze Carlos’s hand, “Yes, and it will always be one of my favorite days, but this one is about more than just us.”

That was true, Carlos thought as TK began to clear the plates. Their anniversary marked many things. It was the day they had been united in marriage just as much as it was a day of mourning, but it also marked a day of healing. It had been a day for their family, both blood and not, to come together and celebrate life and love in the wake of such a monumental loss. There were empty seats where significant people should have been, but the love that had filled the space had helped to close those gaps a little.

But all of that didn’t exactly instill confidence that there wouldn’t be a party waiting for him when he got home that night. He didn’t think he was quite ready for that yet.

The day arrived with the same mixed feelings of joy and grief that had been haunting him since the start. As he opened his eyes he was immediately treated to the sight of the soft morning sun across TK’s face, and the love he felt for his husband filled him all over again. He reached out a hand to brush some of the dark bedhead splaying across TK’s forehead back, causing him to stir. When he opened his eyes, Carlos smiled at him. “Good morning, husband,” he greeted, echoing the words he had spoken the morning after their wedding.

“Good morning to you too, husband,” TK replied, a soft smile spreading across his face. “And happy anniversary. One year in, any regrets so far?”

“None,” Carlos replied with certainty, leaning over to give the other man a kiss lest there be any lingering doubts. “You?”

TK pretended to consider for a moment before laughing at Carlos’s affronted look. “None,” he echoed, reaching across the space of their bed to grab Carlos’s hand and wind their fingers together, turning their hands so their matching rings caught the morning light.

“Do I get any hints about what you have planned for tonight?” Carlos asked and TK shook his head.

“Nope,” he replied almost gleefully and Carlos couldn’t help but feel suspicious. “All you need to know is to be here by 7.”

“Should I bring anything with me?”

“Just yourself,” TK replied. “You’re all I ever need.”

Carlos smiled again, wondering not for the first time how he had gotten so lucky. “7 it is then,” he confirmed before closing the distance between them with another kiss.

At promptly 7 pm he arrived at his front door, work bag slung over his shoulder and a bouquet in his hand. He paused for a moment, wondering wildly if he should knock or just let himself in, but the decision was made for him when their door slid open to reveal not his husband, but his mother.

“Mom?” he exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

“ Tranquilo , Carlitos,” she replied in a soothing tone, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. “Everything is fine. TK invited us.”

“Us?” Carlos asked, suspicion rushing back as he stepped through the doorway. But inside was not the crowd of people he had been fearing, but a table set for four and Owen Strand beside TK at the counter. Before he could ask any follow-up questions TK was at his side, greeting him with a kiss that took his mind off any of the questions he had meant to ask. “Hi,” he greeted when they broke apart.

“Hi,” Carlos replied, still a bit dazed. “So this is your plan.”

“Yes,” TK replied, suddenly nervous. “Do you like it?”

“Depends,” Carlos replied, “I’m not entirely sure what is going on yet.”

“Come here,” TK commanded by way of explanation and pulled him towards the dining room. The table was set for 4 as Carlos had observed upon entering, but what he had missed from the doorway were the framed photographs at the two empty seats. One was of Gwyn, her smile just as warm and bright as Carlos remembered. The other was of his father, broad smile on his face and warmth in his eyes evident even through the print and the tears that had gathered in his eyes. He looked to TK to see the same emotions reflected in his eyes even as he smiled.

“It didn’t feel right to celebrate without them,” he explained and Carlos swore he fell in love with him all over again.

“It’s perfect,” he told TK, unsure how his husband had known exactly what he needed when even he hadn’t. “Thank you so much.”

“I am always going to try and give you what you need,” TK replied. “I made a promise, remember? Through better or worse.”

“Which one is this?”

TK squeezed his arm as he leaned closer, looking at the picture of his mother. “I think this is a bit of both.”

Carlos wrapped an arm around TK’s shoulders to hold him closer, all the while thinking that really, that is all life was. A bit of better and a bit of worse, and sometimes a whole lot more of one or the other. The trick, he was coming to realize, was finding someone to share it with who could always be your better, even amongst the worse.

His musings were interrupted by Owen poking his head into the dining room. “Has this been enough time for you to have your moment or do you need us to make ourselves busy for a little longer?”

TK gave his dad a mortified look but Carlos burst out laughing, waving Owen into the room. “No, I think we’re done.”

“Good,” the older man replied. “Because I don’t want to step into anything or intrude, but I am starving.”

“Don’t worry,” TK assured him in a stage whisper absolutely meant to be heard by his father. “I reminded them that this will be an early evening to ensure that we still have plenty of time to celebrate later, just the two of us.”

“TK,” Carlos hissed, aware of the red creeping across his cheeks.

“Please,” his mother said with a roll of her eyes as she joined Owen at the table, “like we don’t know. There’s no shame in it, mijo.”

“Still,” Carlos protested, but he gave up when TK laughed beside him. “You are such a menace, TK Strand,” he chided, but there was nothing but affection behind those words.

“Yes,” TK agreed, “but I am your menace.”

“Yes, you are,” Carlos confirmed. “And you always will be.”

Carlos had no doubt that their anniversaries would get less painful as time went on, and he both anticipated and feared that fact in equal parts. The future was still a vast expanse in front of them and if the past had taught him anything, it was that nothing was promised. He looked from the photographs of two people who had been taken from them, and then at the two people seated at their table who would be there for them as long as they possibly could. Finally he looked at the man beside him, the face he wanted to fall asleep beside and wake up next to for the rest of his life. Maybe that wasn’t guaranteed, but this was, and Carlos was ready to savor every moment.

#I was just thinking about this during the ep #carlos and anniversaries and grief that is #and here was your beautiful fic just waiting just put the feelings into words <3 #also lol at “obvs i knew your dad remember we had to solve your kidnapping? also we did lunch.”

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