intentionalish

[intentionalish]

02 | Fear

Fear is a feeling. Danger is real. 

The other day, I heard this story of a Men’s Collegiate Volleyball Team that was about to play a championship game. On the day of the big game, one of their players did not show up. The referee allowed the team 20 minutes to find their last player, but to no avail, nobody knew where he was, which meant the team had to forfeit the match. The next day, the entire team confronted him and asked why he did not show up to their game, to which he answered, “I was so afraid that I would not play well, so I chose to not show up at all.” 

Former pro athlete and current author, Lewis Howes, writes about three different types of fear in his book, “The Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life Today.”

Fear of Failure

Fear of Judgment

Fear of Success

I fear all three, but the main distinction with my situation is that my own opinion is the only one that affects me. My mind constructs this idea that fear is the appropriate response to any of my feelings. 

I fear failure because I do not want to let myself down. I have this idea in my head that I need to be a provider to my family…a caring brother to my sibling…a devoted son to my parents…a leader at work…an example to my peers. I fear that if I miss a step or make a mistake along the way, then I will appear to be even one centimeter less than any of those symbols I long to be for others. My fear of failure is so strong that I would rather stay stagnant than risk letting myself down - I would rather not show up than risk my being the reason why we lost the game. 

I fear judgment because I care so much about showing up for the people I care about. The judgment that I put upon myself is probably 1000x of the judgment others might have on me. 

I fear success because I fear no amount of measurable success will be enough. If I won the $100 million PowerBall Lottery, then that $101 millionth dollar would keep me up at night. I fear that success is something unattainable for me, as I have already accomplished goals I sought to years ago, but I find myself craving more. 

I often wonder where this fear came from. I have always approached every new scenario with hesitation, but at what point did that hesitation transform into full blown fear? I have always had the ability to understand the repercussions of every situation before entering it, but at what point did that mindset transition to overthinking? I literally cannot pinpoint the last time that I did anything without first overthinking it first. Even something as similar as what I wear everyday weighs heavy on my mind despite me decluttering my wardrobe to about 100 or so items less than I had three years ago…at least I lived back then. I may have had a closet full of clothes, and a storage room worth of shoes, but at least I wasn’t afraid. Nowadays, if I even purchase a pair of socks that I actually need (because I had to dispose of a different pair due to holes), I fear that as well. 

I fear failure. What if this pair of $4.99 socks does not last me as long as it should before I need to replace it?

I fear judgment. What if this pair of $4.99 socks does not match with the one pair of shoes that I wear only for special occasions? Then, I will have misrepresented myself as the intentional minimalist I claim to be. 

I fear success. What if this pair of $4.99 socks becomes my favorite pair of socks? Replacing it will be almost impossible if this specific pair is discontinued. 

Even writing all of this, I feel as though these feelings are unreasonable, and yet they really are not. I know I’m not the only one. Fear may be a feeling, but it has to be the most crippling feeling in the history of existence. The vision of people who live their lives day-to-day with a carefree insouciance is something that I so long for, and yet it eludes me every second of every day.

[intentionalish]

01 | Purpose

The topic of today’s discussion is the idea of purpose. If you noticed, the url of this blog is “findingourpurpose.tumblr.com.” The reason why this was chosen is because purpose will continue to be a major theme throughout this blog. Purpose is something that I have struggled to define over the last few years. I have searched near and far, internally and externally to figure out the meaning of purpose, but it seems like each time I come close to finding it, I am further away than I had realized. That said, here is what I have discovered after years of trying to put a label on purpose - Purpose cannot be tied to one definition, and Purpose should be redefined constantly depending on what stage you are in life. 

Purpose is an idea that I had not explored until I graduated college. It was something that had been defined for me for my entire life up to that point. For over 20 years, my main purpose was to be a student, and this was validated time and time again by positive test scores, internships, and group projects. There was nobody around to tell me that this was wrong, so I assumed that I was following the right and only path. When I graduated, I fulfilled my purpose, and, for the first time since Kindergarten, I was put in a position where nobody was there to hold my hand and explain to me what my next steps were. 

It’s taken me almost two years to continue writing this blog post. In fact, I’m continuing this on March 6th, 2023, when I initially started writing on April 21st, 2021. Since then, I can’t say that this idea of purpose has changed at all. Purpose is still one of my daily struggles, and I still search for others to guide me to what my purpose should be. I scroll through pages and pages worth of Instagram posts attempting to compare my purpose to others not realizing that hours have passed, and I haven’t moved a single inch from where I had been sitting. 

Why do we search for meaning in others? Why do we allow others to define what our lives should mean to us? Why do we allow others to define what constitutes a “good” purpose versus a “bad” purpose? Will I ever have a purpose?

These are all questions that have run through my head over these past two years. I’m starting to feel as though these questions will never be answered. Whether anyone is okay with that is solely up to you. 

[intentionalish]

00 | Intro

What’s up, everybody? Welcome to, “I’ll leave you with this…”. My name is Patrick Del Moral, and through this blog, I hope to start a constructive conversation about different things happening in the world today -- things that may be covered by the mainstream media and things that are not so mainstream, but the main purpose that I hope you take away is that I am someone who lives an ordinary life. The people who I will be including as guests live ordinary lives, too. Even though we have ordinary lives, our voices and our opinions don’t have to be ordinary. I am a Filipino American who lives in the Bay Area. I went to a good high school. I had loving parents and a loving brother. I had great friends and family to encourage me along the way. After high school, I went to Community College. After a couple of years, I transferred to a four-year university. After graduating, I found a stable, corporate job, and after a couple years, I left and found another stable, corporate job. I think that a lot of people who have followed a similar script are afraid to do anything, say anything, or act in a way that goes against that script. I think that’s why we often look towards people in positions of power or influencers to carry our message and guide the decision making process for us. The reality is that we may not be in positions of power, and we may not be social media influencers, but the things that we talk about and deal with as part of ordinary lives are far from ordinary. The value of your message to the world should not be measured by a follower count. I think that people who, like me, follow the script of seeking regularity devalue their opinion. We do that by either avoiding discussing topics that need to be discussed in our communities or we limit our message to small audiences of only our peers. The goal of this blog is to show you that the conversation starts here. I often see on instagram and other social media platforms that people have begun to start using their social media platforms as methods to spread awareness of issues that are taking place in the world today - take instagram stories for example. I appreciate that, but I also recognize that an instagram story is as quickly skipped as an ad on Youtube. Through this blog, I want to give people the ability to share their story and their perspective on a larger scale. In future posts, we will talk about mental health in the Brown community, being Black in America, Asian culture and materialism, defining your style in a world of fast fashion, Community College, Sustainability in fashion, relationships, minimalism, and many other topics. With each post, I will be bringing on one of my friends or peers to talk things through and understand where we are in society with each of these topics. If you’re interested in being part of the blog or have any questions, feel free to message me on Instagram or send me an email.