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I got a text from one of my science center friends today. I dropped them from all ny social media and such after one of the mentally and emotionally worst summers of my life, to which they could care less and made me feel bad for feeling hurt. And ever since I've dropped them, I've felt much happier. And as much as I'd love to be friends with this person again, more than almost anything, I don't trust this to go that direction anymore. I don't believe they actually care, I think they're just going through the motions so they can claim they didn't abandon me completely and I don't want any of it unless I have proof that they actually give a shit. So unless something happens otherwise I don't think I'm texting back today

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I haven't wanted to hurt myself this badly in a long time so I think for my own sake I'm just going to drop these friends forever which will suck at first but they clearly don't want to be friends with me anyway so it's probably for the best for all of us

The friends that all I want to do is spend time with and had made apparent that I've wanted to hang out with them for weeks all just went to Cedar Point without me so instead of wanting to hang out with them now I kinda just want to hang myself

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The friends that all I want to do is spend time with and had made apparent that I've wanted to hang out with them for weeks all just went to Cedar Point without me so instead of wanting to hang out with them now I kinda just want to hang myself

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I never thought I would feel so alone thinking about people who were once my closest friends

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I've decided that I'm no longer going to text and try to talk to the friends that don't want anything to do with me anymore in hopes that they text me back just once. If they want to talk to me they can text me

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There’s a difference…

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So not only do my friends not want to talk to me or hang out with me anymore, but facebook just sent a facebook memory reminding me of how great my time spent with Chandler was and now I'm feeling emotions that I haven't felt in a very long time. And one of my friends that no longer talks to me is the one that used to make nne feel better when these emotions were happening. So yeah, I feel great right now

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I just joked about being jealous of one of my friend's friends, but I'm honestly incredibly jealous and I can't help it. He's a great guy but that used to be me, and that used to be the most fulfilling and happy friendship in my life and now I fucked it up and it'll probably never go back to a way where I'm as close to them as I used to be because I'm an idiot and this always happens. I thought this was the one friendship from which I would never feel so distant but I do and all I wish is that I could be the friend I used to be instead of just a bother

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11:11

All I want is for the people I consider to be my best friends to be best friends with me

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I've accomplished so much this past year, especially this summer, but I also lost my closest group of friends and some of the people I care about most in the world.

I miss them more than they'll ever know

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Sometimes I think that the reason I've been cleaning and taking better care of myself is that on the off-chance that Chandler visits that she would have something for which to be proud of me, and the reason I drink is because that's something I know she will never be

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So when I found out my previous girlfriend was dating my ex-roommate right after our relationship ended, I didn't really take it well and fell into a semi-super deep depression that really fucked up my schoolwork at the time. And then afterwards I found out that they were still together after she moved across the country and then I fell back into that slump again and now I have reason to believe that they're still together and she came to visit him and I'm starting to feel bad but now I'm thinking you know what? Everything that I've done thus far, everything that I didn't believe I was capable of that I came to this school to prove I was capable of, I have been able to do because she believed in me and because she loved and cared about me. So next semester I'm going back to the viewpoint of my first semester - I'm doing this for her. Not to "win her back", it's been 2 years and we're both in very different places in our lives and even though certain situations hurt still, dwelling on the past is no way to move forward. But rather I'm doing it for the person who believed in me unequivocally, who encouraged me to reach my fullest potential, and who is quite literally the reason I am alive today. Even if that person doesn't truly exist anymore, I cannot let her down.

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Fuck everything

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Sometimes I hear my phone buzz and I hope it's her texting me just to talk again

I’m still sometimes amazed that someone as amazing as Chandler is was dating a guy like me. I was so incredibly lucky

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I'm still sometimes amazed that someone as amazing as Chandler is was dating a guy like me. I was so incredibly lucky

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1 and a half hours left on my birthday and I'm only waiting for 1 birthday wish

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I just want everyone to know that I think the Amy-Rory relationship is the dumbest, most aggravating, and stupid relationship in the history of ever and it never should have been pursued as a storyline.

That being said, I love both of the characters. I just think their romantic relationship is a giant pile of dumb