insearchofthelighthouse - Tumblr blog

[insearchofthelighthouse]

But I’ve never been anyone I knew;

Alice Notley, from Songs and Stories of the Ghouls (via sempiterial)

[insearchofthelighthouse]

How can a simple line be that ambiguous? Was it intentional? I want to ask about it directly, but there is also a part of me that just stopped wanting to know such things. As if I don’t care, as if it doesn’t matter anymore. As if my world will never stop turning just because I didn’t know... Yet..

What does your bio mean? That I’m your Day 1? That I’ll always be? Like I’ll always be your first love? Like I’m your constant since Day 1? Are you telling me that I’ll always be your first love, your day 1, whatever happens? Or is it because I will always be your Day 1, but I can never be your last. Is that it? How do you interpret it? Ahh.. What do I say? What should I feel?

[insearchofthelighthouse]

Told myself that I don’t care anymore. Told myself that I’m giving up. Told myself that I have moved on.

In the end, words can lie, but feelings can’t. Because, no matter how many times I deny it or force myself to believe that I don’t love you, I will always love you. I will always care.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

To be honest, most of the time, I think of the day when I'll be able to tell you everything. About what I'm feeling. About why I'm hurting. About this confused heart that cries for a love that never will be.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

Sometimes we fall down because there is something down there we’re supposed to find.

(via deeplifequotes)

[insearchofthelighthouse]

I am always up for work. There is no doubt about that. I’ll reply instantly when I need to work for the news organization. But talking about things that do no interest me drains me... so much that I just ignore the chats when I know they are nonsense. I’m tired, okay? And you don’t see that because you just think of them, not how I am doing. I doubt you even noticed that I’m not saying good mornings the past days. Because something is up. And I don’t have the window of time to tell you that. Maybe we agreed to make ends meet and balance this relationship, but this is not how things should work. I should never have to pretend. I should never have to hide.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

And, even at a time when you had to think of yourself first, you thought of us. I hope things get better soon. We will survive this challenge.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

For the moment I am really very, very tired of everything — more than tired.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

[insearchofthelighthouse]

This is the sign. This is the wake up call. It happened for a reason and this is that reason. I needed to be on my own, to stop relying on you, to reach my dreams and be successful. I had to realize that nobody is going to complete other than myself. I needed to lose you to love myself and improve and heal. I am so free.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

I guess you are right, though. Maybe, you are really not good for me. Because all good things just kept entering my life when you decided to let me go as your romantic partner. And, right now, I am so happy that I did not even think of thanking you for being an inspiration to all my achievements because you never were. I was my own inspiration. I - that self who once thought that nothing is going to be okay without you - have made the right decision. And, soon, I will be letting you go, too.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

I... I am scared that I might be getting attached again, so once I feel like I am becoming too much, I crumble and I just fade away. And who is to blame for this destruction? 

[insearchofthelighthouse]

Nobody knows how anxious I feel today. What if they decide that I’m not worth it, that I’m not deserving of the position? How am I supposed to feel? I know I’ve gone through worse, but this is something I’ve always dreamed of. How do I conquer this fear?

[insearchofthelighthouse]

Waiting makes you realize if you really want to be with someone that much. And waiting for over a year has made me realize that I can never be with you. I'm sorry. I think I'm starting to break my promise...

[insearchofthelighthouse]

I committed a terrible mistake a year ago today.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

Basically

“I am too young and I’ve loved you too much.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky / The Brothers Karamazov

[insearchofthelighthouse]

And I think I'm weird for counting down to the day that ruined me the most.

[insearchofthelighthouse]

This crossed my mind when you ended the romantic ties between us. You couldn't keep it from your parents and it's tearing you apart. You don't want to disappoint them too. You're the only daughter they have and they'll always look forward to your wedding, a church wedding as they are religious. Or you think that it's a sin - being in a relationship with a girl. Maybe that's why you're a "live-in-the-moment" kind of person. Maybe you just didn't imagine a future with me because of the challenges. Maybe that's why you're unsure. Maybe that's why you put an end to it. Maybe you're just not ready to fight for it. Maybe you just want a simple life and that can never happen with me.