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The Chronicals of Adi’s Slutty Mistakes: Chapter 1

So as all stories start, there is a beginning, the start to all things on how little miss Adiria had gotten herself stuck in a mess. Let me begin with there was this girl named Adiria, but she goes by Adi. She has a sister, Sugar, her twin, her bestfriend her partner in crime. And a mother and father. Elysia and Aiden. They were amazing, Adi loved them so very much, they had always been there for her. They loved and cared for her so deep, she always felt safe and compassionate around them. They accepted her with her flaws and never abandoned her. She looks up to them and they inspire her to better herself. They live happily at this three story home. Adi is known to bring home fuck boys, her parents get a good laugh at how easily she gets over someone and is quick to hop to the next. Her mother agree’s with her father when he tells her that she needs a man that would be able to tame her, a man that is dominant and able to put her in her place. Adi’s father states that all the boys she’s brought around were too submissive for her and she agrees with him because she gets bored quick when she has control, when the one she’s with lets her walk all over him. Now, Sugar has always seen Adi as an independent girl, Adi was known for being a bitch. Well while Adi has been bringing multiple guys around, her best friend Vinny has never strayed from her, he was one that her perants wanted the two to get together, they thought Vinny was a good match for her. He was caring, sweet but also a huge asshole, and brutily honest. He was the one man other then father that would be able to tame her. But Vinny didn’t want a relationship, no matter how much she felt for him. Then there was Hellzie. A family friend, he was sweet and kind. He made Adi smile and giggle, she enjoyed being around him, there were always laughs, he was an amazing addition to their little family. Then there was Uncle Chris, he was someone Adi always went to for help. He was very nice and he was definitely a role-model figure, he’s seen some shit like her father. Adiria was happy with this little family she had. This was her wolf pack, her father was an alpha and kept everything in line. So now that I’ve gotten you up to date somewhat, lets slide into the first guy on her fuck boy list from this day in time, now there were several prior to this but this was when her parents had taken in this poor, broken Adi, the moment she became a Rage ♥.  Adi had hooked up with this guy named Jason, while he had been seeing a good friend of hers, Bri. No matter the fact that Bri was cheating on Jason during the time still didn’t make anything better. Adi was caught up in the moment, Jason fell deeply for her. Adiria was trying to make hints that they couldn’t be a thing because Bri. Jason took it as a hint that she wanted him to herself. Well one day, Bri had told Adi that Jason left her for Adi. Adiria didn’t know how to respond, she was shocked. This hot fling turned into something she didn’t think would happen. Adiria did care about him, of course, he was there for her when she needed him, she had recently gone through a traumatic event and he was there to keep her strong. But was she in love? Like he was with her? No.. no matter how much she tried. Well they became official. Adiria was going through some bullshit, a lot of drama had started when Jason left his girl for her. So Jason took Adi and they ran off. They stumbled a crossed this Clan, the Veritas. And she joined them, it was in fact the only family she had. One night Jason and Adiria decided to hit up this hang out place called the Misfits. A place where Adiria had met a lot of really good friends. Well there was this guy named Noir, he became close to Adi and Jason. Jason even started claiming Noir as his brother.. Adiria started noticing how clingy Jason was, and how manipulating he had became. So she decided to direct her attention else where, and it so happened to be on Noir, at first it was friendly, nothing too serious. But then, things lead to another and they ended up having sleeping together, behind Jasons back. Adiria left Jason because she was tired of his shit and she obviously didn’t love him like she was trying to. Aiden and Elysia had taken her in after the insident with Jason, gave her a place to call home. Then shortly after, she brought her twin sister into the family. And they were happy, they looked out for each other, but that’s not the end of how little Adi, had found her way into a messed up situation. 

[inoalove-blog]

My Return

}{Post4:}{ So, I’ve been gone for some time now. I’ve fallen into a deep dark hole to where I didn’t feel like doing anything. Depression had taken me and I was drowning in self pity and fatigue but now I’m back and I am ready for what ever is thrown at me. It didn’t take much to get me to return to life. I realized that I was distant to those that cared about me. I went to my son’s field trip and it had me do a lot of thinking. I lost a lot of friends during my transformation even a family member but it hadn't broke me. I am like a phoenix, I have risen from my ashes of self doubt and I am free. I already feel like a different person. I feel more independent, I don’t care what others think of me. I’m not perfect, and I never will be. But I am hella strong, and nothing and no one will destroy me. The world may crumble around me but I will never break. I’ve recently been screwed over by my own sister, it had shown me that you cant even trust the one person that you thought wouldn't ever abandon you. Now I’ve had family abandon me, lie, steal, hurt and whatnot, but my sister was the one person I thought I could always count on. But she’s too focused on drinking partying and doing drugs with her friends to even care who she’s hurting around her. I disclaimed her as a sister, but unfortunately you cannot chose who is blood related but you can chose who you claim as family. I have real family, most of them are not blood related, but they are real, and true and they always have my back as I always have theirs. They accept me for my flaws, habits, and past mistakes. They’ve never abandoned me. In life, you’re like a tree. You will have the leaves, they come and go as they please, now you already know that they aren’t there to stay, you have some laughs, shed some tears, but you are already aware that they aren’t going to last forever so it doesn't hurt when they leave, you say your goodbyes and move on easily. But then there are the branches, those are the ones you gotta beware of, because they may seem like they are strong and will always be there and have your back but they will break on you, even when you least expect it and it will hurt, it will be painful because you’ve never imagine them just leaving you like that. Now, there are the Roots, there are only a few, not much, not many and they may not always be seen but they are there and they are there to help you grow, and build you up, they are there to see you rise strong tall and proud. You can always count on them. You don’t want to EVER mistaken a branch for a root or a root for a branch... In life you will need to find it within you to pick yourself up, you can’t always depend on others because the ppl they may have helped you stand up will be the same person to knock you back onto the ground. Stay strong, and never give up even if you are at the edge of your breaking point and always remember, no one is worth the pain. Stand tall and strong and proud. Believe in yourself even when you don’t think anyone else does. Your judgement is the only judgement that matters. ♥

[inoalove-blog]

Be strong, Stay strong..

}{Post 3:}{ What is normal? If you look up the definition of normal it reads “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected”. What is it like to be normal? I don’t think I’ll ever experience it. I’m not sure if I ever want to. The scars that I wear, are a constant reminder of the pain that I wear daily. What does it take to fit in todays societies standards? Are you good enough? I’ve already accepted my place in this world, have you? But why settle for “Good Enough” when you can go so much further. Shoot for the moon, that way, if you miss you’ll land amongst the stars. Sometimes I want to forget about my past, run far away from all this misery, sometimes I want to be numb, not feel a thing, but if we don’t go through the struggle then we will never know what is worth living for. The other day, I gotten a message from a friend, he wanted to commit suicide, he tried and failed. Now, I’ve always felt suicidal but to hear it from another, kind of makes you look at things differently. I want him to live, I want him to keep fighting. I told him to hold on, to stay strong that nothing is worth dying over. I told him so much, but why didn’t I ever tell myself that? How is it easier for you to tell someone to step off the edge but hard as hell to not move from the edge yourself. Why put someone’s value above yours? I’ve noticed that in life, there will be an endless amount of questions but so little answers. I’m broken but not defeated. If you’re reading this, you’re not defeated either. If you’re breathing, that means you still have fight left, hold on to that fight. Don’t let it burn out. Keep pushing yourself, even if it hurts so bad that you cry, that you scream out in pain. All my life, I put the blame on everyone other then myself on how I’m feeling. But really, it’s my own fault that I put myself through so much trauma. I look on the negatives rather then the positives. It’s one thing I still need to work on. My name is Noa, the meaning to the name is possessive love. What is love? If it only keeps getting taken away. I’ve been abused, by the one person that had said they loved and cared about me, the one person that gave me life. Try to picture your mother dearest holding you down as her boyfriend raped you, putting her hand over your mouth because her boyfriend didn’t want to hear your screams. Then after it happened, you just crawl into bed, crying silently into the night and hoping that when you wake up, it was all just a nightmare. Life sucks, yes. Life is hard, and challenging. No matter what you’ve gone through, no matter how close you’ve came to give up, you are strong. People will continue to test you, to try to break you. In the moment where you start to feel like they are right about you, should be the moment you rise, get back up on your feet and fight harder, even if it hurts. You don’t get to prove to anyone your worth, only yourself. You are your own judge. The moment you stop thinking the world owes you something, the moment you stop depending on others approval, is the moment you will feel the chains lift from you, the moment you will feel freed from all the agony, the stress. Who really has the say in what your life is worth? What makes others better then you? Forget about being normal, forget about fitting in. Focus on accepting yourself, focus on conquering the world. Some say there is nothing that motivates them anymore, but I’m sure there is at least something that is keeping them fighting. Maybe it’s a child? Maybe it’s vengeance, maybe it’s pain, maybe its religion. What ever it may be, hold on to it. I believe in you. When you’re lost in this world with me, not sure where you belong, I’m there with you buddy. You’re not alone. Stay strong. <3

[inoalove-blog]

Does It Get Easier?

}{Post 2}{ I’m not perfect, nor do I ever wish to be. Perfect, is like my family, living a happy life, going to church every Sunday, having a really good job, going to a big fancy paid private school then some top university. Perfect is having a loving husband that is your high school sweetheart, then having two kids and a black lab. I’m not perfect, my family is. I’m a misfit, I never belonged. My fate was already decided before I was even born. Some say I shouldn’t let my mother’s actions defy who I am today. Which is true, but I don’t let them defy me. I am who I am. I’m imperfect, but what many people don’t understand. There is a beauty to imperfections. My life is a train wreck, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I may not be perfect, but I’m nothing like my mother. Last I told you, was how abusive she was, how her boyfriends took advantage on her and her daughter. Now I’m going to tell you what happened to little ol’ me. Well, after a while of misery, the state finally caught on to what she was doing. Me and my sister was taken from her and put into foster care. We stayed at my grandparents for a while. Mind you, I was used to going to a ‘ghetto’ school. As soon as I moved in with my grandparents I went into a school full of one race, I’m mixed. Racism is still alive, no matter who says what, people still quietly judge, and it’ll always be that way. But coming from having nothing to a school where everyone had it all, I was the outcast. I found my love for books, it was the only place I found freedom. I was the nerd in school. I got picked on quiet a bit. My grandparents loved me and my sister. It wasn’t their fault I was a troubled kid. Through them, I learned discipline. My step dad that I knew sense I was two years of age, fought for me and my sister and he gained custody, but not only a year later I go back into the system but this time I was by myself. He had gotten married to a female only a couple years older then me. Then from there I hopped foster home to foster home. I was scared. So, picture this, having your biological father abandon you, then having the man you looked up to as a father figure abandon you as well… kind of messed up huh? Thrown into a home full of strangers. I went through five different high schools in one year. That was the time I learned to stick up for myself. I was done getting bullied, I started finding other rejects, ones I could consider friends. I started skipping school and just not caring any more. I suppose I came close to be like my mother but at the time I really didn’t care. I stopped trying. In foster care you learn one thing for sure… there is always that one kid that is always to blame, I did my best to not be that kid. I stayed to myself, did what I was told till I was place somewhere else. Being alone started feeling easier as days went by. I was separated from my sister, at first it was very hard…. I couldn’t protect her, I couldn’t do anything. But I had to accept it as it was. I was on my own. My grandparents couldn’t take me in again because I was a trouble maker in their eyes. So, my aunt was the first choice before I went to the other homes. There was where I found out that there was a such thing of ‘choosing favorites’ Her son was always perfect in their eyes. I didn’t get anything, while he was spoiled rotten. All I did was write in a diary of how I was being treated, my caseworker gotten ahold of it and then I was thrown out into the foster care world full of strangers. I guess that is where I picked up my skill to lie, to fake being happy, to act like I’m okay. I’ve been in mental hospitals when people thought something was wrong with me they’d shove pills down my throat before they even asked how I truly felt. Why open to someone when they are just going to pass you to the next, right? I wear scars inside and out. I know I’m not the only one that has felt the pain of not belonging, I know I’m not the only one that fits in. To all of those that know this feeling, I know it sucks. But I praise you for being strong, for not giving up even if you’ve came so close to it. You’re warriors, true warriors. The greatest enemy was myself. I was a danger to myself, I fell into a very deep hole at a young age. If it wasn’t for writing, I would be lost. But there is one thing I wanted more then anything in the world, it was to get my voice heard, to make a difference in this sickened world. A world that doesn’t see me. I’m beautifully damaged. Can you see me now? Do you hear my screams? You wouldn’t understand unless you’ve walked my shoes. When I was young I smoked marijuana before, but it wasn’t till I was put into foster care that I smoked often. Yes I’ve done other drugs, if you really want to consider marijuana as a drug. I’ve gotten shot up with helium when I was younger, maybe only a couple years old, my mother wanted to test it on me, and I almost overdosed because of it. I’ve also done meth, to impress a boy. I was very stupid, I lived a life where acceptance didn’t come easy with me. I would of done everything to fit in… I did a lot of stupid things to fit in, but I’ll get into that on another post. For now I’ll end this post with a question. How many times does saying it’ll get easier take to actually start believing it yourself?

[inoalove-blog]

Through The Ashes

}{Post 1:}{ All my life I have fought and fought for what I always wanted. I’ve cried and pleaded to finally be accepted. I hear more ‘No’s then I do ‘Yes’s. I’ve been pushed down and kicked. I’ve been abandoned and betrayed. My trust has thinned. Throughout the years, I find it harder and harder to keep fighting, but I don’t lose hope, I won’t lose strength. I’m a reject, a misfit. I don’t belong anywhere and I’m all alone. But I will not give up. I am Noa, and the world will hear my voice, they will hear my screams. Let me tell you a story about a girl, a lost confused girl, and her challenges she had to face. She had a mother, let’s call the mother Sue. Sue grew up in a Catholic setting. Her parents had worked for a living to give them the treasures that they had. Sue’s family came from Germany, they didn’t always have money, they had to go through the struggles to earn what they had. Sue’s siblings were good catholic children, they minded, they went to church every Sunday and preyed before every meal. Sue was a rebel, she wanted more then to be a saint. Sue ran with the wrong crowd of people and got messed up in drugs. Sue found herself getting in trouble with the law countless times, her parents tried everything in their power to help her, but she wouldn’t get the help that she needed. She didn’t think there was anything wrong with her. One night, Sue took off when she was only 16 years old and disappeared far away. Sue’s parents didn’t hear from her till they had gotten a phone call from the man Sue had been seeing. Let’s call him Wayne. Sue’s parents had to come get Sue and her newborn baby girl because Wayne couldn’t put up with Sue any longer. well that is the story Sue’s baby girl was fed. Sue’s family looked down on Sue and her baby girl, Sue lived rough, she couldn’t hold a job and she was off and on with several different boyfriends. Sue had a second daughter, and when her first had thought that things were going to start being normal, her mother went back to her old routine. Noa, was spending week days with her mother and weekends with her step dad, at least she wasn’t alone… she had her little sister. Noa’s mother liked to drink a lot, she’d get stupid drunk at night and forget to feed her children. Sue started abusing Noa after a while. Not Noa’s youngest daughter, when Sue would get drunk enough, she’d forget about Noa’s little sister, as if she never existed. Noa preferred it that way, it was easier getting beat then to watch her younger sister get beat too. But that’s only the beginning. Do you know what it’s like to go through hell? To feel loved then it gets ripped right from you? Stuck in a world where no one see’s you or believes in you. Where almost everyone has abandoned you at least once. I’m done with hiding in the shadows and waiting for someone to understand… some one that will take their time just to listen to me. Living with my mother, when growing up did have its good moments time and time again. But we lived poor. It was a blessing to go to school. I had one best friend, she made my childhood brightful. My mother chose guys and drugs over us, but we had each other through thin and thick. I despise my mother with a passion. Because of her, I learned to steal to survive, because of her I lived with unending anger towards the world, because of her I lost my virginity to her boyfriend, because of her I never knew the love of a family. There is one thing I am thankful of because of her, I’m alive. Despite all the bullshit that lady had put me through, I stand here today, strong, and alive. She may had given me breath to live, but she will never give me my strength to keep fighting, my strength doesn’t come from her, but from my child that will never have to go through the things that woman had put me through. Being the daughter of an abusive, alcoholic druggie made it hard for me to fit in, even with my own family. These next few days, I’ll walk you through all the pain I carry. This is my life, my story. Through the ashes, I am rising.