A-99-day-journy-to-skinny 160cm; CW:54.4 GW:45 SW:59.5 HW:65.7
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Current weight: unknown (carpeted floors ugh)
Restricting for the sake of it? I don't have a goal and I am not delusional enough to think that this has anything to do with happiness.
It's just a cope for who knows what?
Anyways am gonna post this before my rational safe gets thinking too much 🤪
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Day 95-96
I decided that this reset should be for all dates before the 24th of August and thus the 24th data does count. Anyways the totals are(calories eaten - burned = total) 24th - 2912 25th - 766 26th - 737 Total of the total: 4415 My daily maximum food intake is 1200 atm, however for debt I decided to use 1300 just to give myself more leinancy for the time being. So 4415 - 3(1300) = 515 (my current debt) When this debt is accounted for, I will take parts of my past debt and slowly work on undoing that as well. For now I shall keep small goals though so I do not overwheml myself. Today the scale said 54 I know it should be lower, I feel like it may be food/poo weight and water weight. I also think that hormone weight may be impacting it as well. It’s been 18 days since I had my period thus period weight should be coming on soon if it hasn’t yet. Plus my weight keeps changing a lot from day to day. Today it was 54kg, 2 days ago it was 54.8. Either way, I will wait and see. I might need to recalculate my TDEE. I am not meeting my goal of 45kg by day 99 but I do hope to be below 50kg sometime soon. Also, my numbers were in the 52 range 3 weeks ago and I know that despite my binge eating, overall I have still stayed in a big deficit and thus even if my TDEE is lower than what I think it should be, I still should have lost at least a bit. So I really doubt that I’m 54 kg. Additionally I have also been doing more 2′s on the toilet so I think that period weight may be related to my issue.
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Day 94 - A fresh start
I am going to drop my debt at the moment and give myself a fresh start. It will make things easier for me and encorage me to actually deal with any new debt. I am going to have 1200 calories from now onwards and burn of 400 per day by walking. I did not meet my goal but I’m about half way there. I will get there. I still have time left till classes start back up again.
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When i was little i used to lock myself in the bathroom with my cat and cry. I did this everytime she screamed and hit me which was daily.
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Day 64-68
8770 = debt before (3532+972+1067+961) = 6532 - (1200x4) = 1732 (Extra debt) So debt now is 10,502. I am currently working it off. My intake goal is now 1200 since I’m in a bit of a senstiive binge phase and due to the side effects being too bad. Still waiting for my period to come in, it’s been ages.
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26/07/2022 - The day my mother officially became dead to me
I shall now list some of the reasons behind that -Does not communicate like a normal person, just screams, shouts and thretanes e.g. “do the laundry...lazy...sleeping till 12″ (note: her laundry) -She makes ultimatums she does not actually plan to stick to e.g. “you need to be out of the house within a week” (after we had an agreement for me to stay here for 6-7 weeks) -She insults and berates me e.g. lazy, disugsting, ugly, slob -Views me as inherently lazy -Ignored the ways in which I contibute, as far as she is concerned they do not exist and she does everything always -Does not care for my time at all -Prioratizes and has always prioritized men over her children -Has prioritized men to the point that I was in a situation where I could have died, instead I got lucky and ended up with scars and stiches. -Has allowed me to have to live in the same house as the thing that could have killed me. The big bad incident actually happened after a lot smaller ones. -Has decided to prioritized her relationship with a man who was a drug dealer over having a drug free household -When I was 15-16 she was planing to ditch/abandon me in the UK (where we live) and live abroad with her then-current-partner and their child in their new house. I was underage then could absolutely not finicially support myself at all in any way what so ever and would not be able to finish school. -Used to hit me when I was younger untill I grew old enough to be able to rival her physically, by that I do mean that she was going to hit me and I on instinct grabbed her hand and hit her instead. That is when she stopped. -Used to leave me at home when I was a child with no babysitter or way to enterain myself (irresponsibility) to go to work - I have a memory of when I was 3-5 and she left me home all alone because my toys were all over the living room when I was playing, that was not her going to work, she went to her friend. I still remember being little and crying because even when I cleaned everything up, I was still at home all by myself and kid me didn’t understand why she wasn’t back like she said she would be if I cleaned up my toys. -My whole life has to revolve around her and what benefits her. She simply seens me as a person she can use. -Self centered, always wants to talk about herself and her life but has no care about mine, she doesn’t and has never even try to pretend otherwise. -Expects me to emotionally support her in regards to her life issues and will go on and on, it is very mentally exhausting. -Emotionally unavailable. -Smokes in the car with me and my sibling -Voulenteers me for things, most recent was dealing with someone setteled status, before that it was dealing with the funeral service and all funeral/death related matters of a drug addict my mom’s now ex-drug-dealer ex-boyfriend ended up unaliving with reckless driving. They are only over because he is in jail now. -Belives that I can’t do anything without her. -Allowed her ex boyfriend to punish me. -Brings her partners into the household and around us even if she has only known them for a few days. -Has never celebrated any of my accomblishments other than birthdays and even they were often minimal. -Pulled a face like she was going to laugh at me when I said that I got a job interview because it’s a job as a cleaner (2.5 hours per shift, 5 days a week, convient for me) and refused to explain but I’m getting the vibes that she thinks I won’t make it because I’m too lazy/too weak etc. -Likes to paint the idea that I have everything so easy unlike her -Has allowed people to be disrespecful towards me without doing/saying anything. E.g. her no-other-ex telling me to “go up stairs and check if you are there” which is both rude and also implies me to be such a fool that I would not even know where I am located. I think that emotionally she has been dead for me for a long time, however I am now entaring into a period of my life where I will never need her ever again in any way what so ever, thus overtime she can get pushed into the “alive but completely dead to me” box. there is most likely a lot more to this than what I wrote but my mind blocks out most bad stuff. Time for more, I am currently staying with her but will be out in 7 weeks, I’m super exited for that. Anyways: -She makes me sleep in my younger brothers toy room because there is a pull out couch in there. To actually sleep on it I have to get so many toys out of the way, he usaully burries the whole floor in toys and getting them out of the way takes about 30 minutes. Furthermore he is usally in there till super late. Yesterday he was in there till about 1am so my sleep is so limited. Additionally, he comes back in there super early in the morning so I get woken up after maybe 6 hours of sleep if I’m lucky. There is a room that no one uses with a bed that’s easy to access. But no, I am not allowed to sleep in there becase, just because she is a B. -
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She is once again thretaning to kick me out. She told me that I have a week to GTFO. At this point she is dead to me. Long ago we agreed that I would move in with her for 6 weeks during the summer between the start and end of my contract at my accomodations. Before that contact even ended (it’s still ongoing atm) she began naging me about moving in with her as soon as my classes ended. That was 2 months ago. I have been providing her with childcare 6 days per week since then. This sometimes involves me picking up my sibling from school (paying for the taxi myself, both ways), me babysitting while she is out on dates and whenever she is at work. Today I have been babysitting since 9am, she has gotten back home recently. In total it comes out to about 8 hours today, that is a whole days worth of work. I have done the dishes twice today, cleaned up the multiple messes he made and did other things around the house such as gathering the dry laundry. This is on minimal sleep since while she goes to bed early, my sibling likes to stay up till 1am. I did not get much sleep last night due to that. From 8pm-1am I was the one who was taking care of him. I did the dishes before bed, gathered the trash, fed him etc. Today will most likely be the same. I do view myself as a contributing member, I do all the things mentioned above and then help out with translating and other matters that require a good grasp of English. I feed myself and clean up after myself. I know that my babysitting saved her from having to give away half her income to a babysitter. I just can’t stand her, she always say that I never do nothing, never do dishes, calls be filthy and disgusting. She is a very nasty person and goes out of her way to be as mean as she can be. I am done with her, my goal for next year is to move out into my own flat as soon as my tentancy at my student accomodations ends. I have been and am still looking for a job, trying to find one that fits with my schedule asap. Hoping to gather some savings and so on.
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