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Autistic spaces are getting so much more hostile towards people with low empathy, and it sucks

There was a subreddit I really liked, people were chill, and then there was a sudden influx of people making posts like ‘Autistic people have empathy! Saying we don’t makes us seem like monsters! Thats not a symptom!’ And people making posts explaining that no, actually, some of us do have low empathy got attacked and told they were wrong or ableist? And it sucks, because its just so hard to find a place to exist where you can be seen as not evil? I don’t know, it just hurts a lot to be told that

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Yeah, I have hyperempathy myself but I've noticed as I learn more about how my autism works that if I'm stressed out enough, or unwell, or overstimulated, etc etc - my empathy drops to zero, as well. I've learned to compensate for this by practicing cognitive empathy and compassion during it. I've always been like that, even before my (admittedly late) autism diagnosis. I used to think there was something wrong with me, that it made me a monster, and so I'd just completely isolate during those times so I didn't risk hurting anyone unwillingly. After my diagnosis and realizing what it was, I read up on cognitive empathy and do that now, instead.

But because I've always been like that, I've always been very sympathetic to those who don't experience empathy by default. In the vast majority of cases, they're always very kind and constantly worried that they're some monster or will hurt someone, which never happens. I've met very few who use that as an excuse to mistreat people, and those people had other untreated mental illnesses going on, not autism.

Autistic spaces are getting so much more hostile towards people with low empathy, and it sucks

There was a subreddit I really liked, people were chill, and then there was a sudden influx of people making posts like ‘Autistic people have empathy! Saying we don’t makes us seem like monsters! Thats not a symptom!’ And people making posts explaining that no, actually, some of us do have low empathy got attacked and told they were wrong or ableist? And it sucks, because its just so hard to find a place to exist where you can be seen as not evil? I don’t know, it just hurts a lot to be told that

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OOF 

(original text from article by devon price)

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"Everyone is autistic these days."

Or, and hear me out...

We were under diagnosed.

See, AFAB, POC, and trans people are severely under diagnosed.

I am AFAB and as white as they come. I showed classic autism traits as young as 6 months:

I didn't talk until I was 4, I cried and squirmed if touched, I showed no interest in others, I didn't hit my milestones, I didn't make eye contact, I lined up my toys by colour and size and showed intense interests.

My mum took me to the doctor 3 different times. The diagnosis? She's just taking her time.

See, up until quite recently, the old school of thinking was that AFAB people couldn't be autistic without intellectual disability, too.

POC are more likely to be viewed as just defiant and be given a personality disorder as a diagnosis, ignoring everything else.

Trans folk are misjudged or just outright ignored based on their AGAB. And in some places it's dangerous to be trans and autistic.

So, we're not faking or finding this trendy (although perhaps some online personalities are. I can't say). We've been waiting for answers for decades.

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Autistic spaces are getting so much more hostile towards people with low empathy, and it sucks

There was a subreddit I really liked, people were chill, and then there was a sudden influx of people making posts like ‘Autistic people have empathy! Saying we don’t makes us seem like monsters! Thats not a symptom!’ And people making posts explaining that no, actually, some of us do have low empathy got attacked and told they were wrong or ableist? And it sucks, because its just so hard to find a place to exist where you can be seen as not evil? I don’t know, it just hurts a lot to be told that

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I'm certain that if pressed my father, who owns 2k+ laserdiscs, 8 laserdisc players, 5k+ DVDs, who runs a blog where he makes near daily posts about movies and hosts a movie podcast, and who saw Spectre in theaters 27 times because Regal Cinemas offered an unlimited viewing card for fifty dollars, would insist that he is a Fully Normal Adult Man with no divergence, neuro or otherwise. After all what is not normal about doing a job where you have the same daily routine, down to recording the second half of your favorite morning talk show every day so you can listen to it on your commute home and drinking 4 liters daily of the only beverage that tastes good to you that you bring in a cooler that you carry to every one of your classrooms every day, except for in the summer, when you teach summer school and wear a different hawaiian shirt every day because you like them better than every other kind of shirt and have collected enough not to repeat for an entire eight weeks but feel that they break dress code for the rest of the year.

We went on a month-long road trip once and he got thirty tapes and recorded a month's worth of the talk show without listening to the second half so he'd have something to listen to when he was driving each morning on the trip.

He has absolutely no idea why his kids (one of whom was diagnosed as autistic in the 80s and the other was diagnosed with ADHD in their thirties) are so weird or how they got that way.

C'mon, Pops. I learned it from watching you.

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when i put the hashtag "actually autistic" im not excluding people who are undiagnosed. diagnosis is hard, if not impossible to get as a teenager or adult. when i say actually autistic i mean im an autistic person living my daily life being autistic, im not some facebook "autism mum" with an autistic son acting like they know better than actually autistic people. i can fully understand why someone might not be able to or maybe not even be looking to get a diagnosis. the process is dificult at best, ESPECIALlY if youre an adult.

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what people think having adhd and autism is like: Teehee i'm so quirky and i can't pay any attention whoopsieee teehee

what it's actually like: Okay it's 2, if i keep walking at this same speed i'll get there at 3... but then it's going to be 4 and then 5 oh god i'm so late i should walk faster... but if i walk faster i'll get there before 3 and if i get there earlier people will think i'm weird. wait is anyone looking at me right now? i forgot how to walk- just walk straight one foot after the other one foot after the other wait shit did i close the window before i left the hou-

oh, i'm here already.

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Autistic and Hating to be Perceive

Neurodivergent_lou

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A lot of what society deems as negative personality traits are actually autistic traits…

Neurodivergent_lou

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I hate hate hate hate HATE that most of the time when I’m searching for info on autism the results always regard autistic children and are written by allistic adults for allistic parents who hate autistic children

Like I’m just going “hehe hey google do other autistic people sensory seek in carbonated drinks” and Google is like “DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC BABIES REALLY LIKE DRINKING DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC DRINKS LIKE SPRITE AND COKE BECAUSE THEY’RE DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC BABIES!!!!!”

Best friend. The autistic kids you’re writing about so unkindly are going to become adults. And they’re going to be unhappy when they read that shit.

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I hate hate hate hate HATE that most of the time when I’m searching for info on autism the results always regard autistic children and are written by allistic adults for allistic parents who hate autistic children

Like I’m just going “hehe hey google do other autistic people sensory seek in carbonated drinks” and Google is like “DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC BABIES REALLY LIKE DRINKING DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC DRINKS LIKE SPRITE AND COKE BECAUSE THEY’RE DUMB STUPID LITTLE AUTISTIC BABIES!!!!!”

Best friend. The autistic kids you’re writing about so unkindly are going to become adults. And they’re going to be unhappy when they read that shit.

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I Thought My Autistic Meltdowns Were Panic Attacks

Neurodivergent_lou

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This still blows my mind

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This may just be my experience as an autistic person, but the kids I’ve nannied whose parent’s complain of ‘bad awful in cooperative selfish autistic behavior’ are… Not like that? At all?

Like, for example, I cared for a kid for a while who was nonverbal and didn’t like being touched. Around six years old? Their parent said that they were fussy and had a strict schedule, and that they had problems getting them to eat. Their last few nannies had quit out of frustration.

So, I showed up. And for the first little while, it was awkward. The kid didn’t know me, I didn’t know them, you know how it is. And for the first… Day and a half, maybe? I fucked up a few times.

I changed their diaper and they screamed at me. I put the TV off and they threw things. Not fun, but regular upset kid stuff.

Next time, I figured, hell, I wouldn’t like being manhandled and ordered around either. Who likes being physically lifted out of whatever it is they’re doing and having their pants yanked off? Fucking few, that’s who.

Next time, I go, ‘hey, kiddo. You need a new diaper?’ and check. ‘I’m gonna go grab a new one and get you clean, okay?’ ‘Wanna find a spot to lay down?’ ‘Alright, almost done. Awesome job, thanks buddy’.

I learned stuff about them. They liked a heads up before I did anything disruptive. They didn’t mind that I rattled of about nothing all day. They didn’t like grass or plastic touching their back. They were okay with carpets and towels. They liked pictionary, and the color yellow, and fish crackers, and painting. They didn’t look me in the face (which was never an issue- I hate that too, it fucking sucks) but I never had reason to believe that they were ignoring me.

Once I learned what I was doing wrong, everything was fine. Did they magically “”“become normal”“” and start talking and laughing and hugging? No, but we had fun and had a good time and found a compromise between what I was comfortable with and what they were comfortable with. (For the record, I didn’t magically sailor-moon transform into a socially adept individual, either. In case anyone was wondering.)

I don’t like eye contact. It’s distracting and painful and stresses me out.

They didn’t like eye contact either.

Is eye contact necessary to communication? No. So we just didn’t do it.

Was there ever a situation where I HAD to force them to drop everything and lay down on the lawn? No. So the thirty second warning came into play, and nobody died.

“But they never talked!”

No, they didn’t. And they didn’t know ASL, and they didn’t like being touched.

So you know what happened?

My third day in, they tugged on my shirt. ‘Hey monkey, what’s up?’ I asked. And they tugged me towards the kitchen. ‘oh, cool. You hungry?’. They raised their hands in an ‘up’ gesture. ‘you want up? Cool.’ and I lifted them up. They pointed to the fridge. I opened it. They grabbed a juice box out of the top shelf, and pushed the door closed again. ‘oh sweet, grape is the best. You are an individual of refined taste.’ I put them down and they went back to their room to play Legos.

“But they didn’t say please or thank you!” “But you should be teaching them communication skills!” “But!” Lalalalala.

1. The entire interaction was entirely considerate and polite. I was never made uncomfortable. I was made aware of the problem so that I could help them solve it. There was no mess, no tears, no bruises, no shouting.

2. Did my brain collapse into a thousand million fragments of shattered diamond dust out of sheer incomprehension? No? Then their communication skills were fine. Goal realized, solution found, objective complete. They found the most simple and painless way to communicate the situation and then did it.

Kids are not stupid. AUTISTIC kids are not stupid.

I’m willing to bet real cash money that the real reason the last few nannies had quit had a million times more to do with their own ability to cope, not the kid’s.

To this day, that was the most relaxed and enjoyable job I’ve ever had.

And I know I don’t speak for everyone. All kids are different. All adults are different. But in my time and experience, pretty much 95% of all my difficulties with children come from ME not being understanding enough. Every single “problem child” I’ve worked with turned out to be a pretty cool person once I started figuring out how to put my ego aside and let them set the pace.

Again, not speaking universally, here. I’m just saying. Sometimes social rules are bullshit, you know? People are people