infamyoverinnocence

[infamyoverinnocence]

you walked away far before i did. (see: alex and lisa in wicker park.)

slept in your sweater tonight. saw you in my dream last night. only numbers have been on my mind. i miss you baby blue. mad but definitely in heaven. goodnight.

loveloveloveyouandimsorry.

[infamyoverinnocence]

great blank shadows cover your blessings. you paint a picture, but it takes an artist for a mural; to build up one that lasts.

this afternoon has brought me a lot. thinking like always, and more so anger than it all. not towards him, but you. cant be mad at what he didnt know, and in a situation where we all lose it feels like im the only one impacted. basement truths turn little white mattress lies, and futures in fragmented glass jars. my worlds a problem but my in-betweens are worse. worse than my head constantly in the clouds. worse than that dizzying feeling before the rest of the world blacks out and my only familiarity is your hands. where the ice fades like glass and crashes on crystal eyes that see clear by the headstrong collision and eyes locked, sewn on mine. i miss your shortcuts and white veiled ribbon wrists. your lithium eyes and kaleidoscope heart; the part that kissed every scar on the skin of my arms and the tip of my tongue, and somehow made it feel better. maybe my anger is the fact you never cared. because things got funny. you made a promise you never kept, and still i hope that when a new november pasts, your voice is on the other line. its unfair you have a floral garden to fall back on, while mine is dried bones and stock packaged nicotine. infamy far over innocence. my velvet days and soft skin speeches that told you, "if i love you, i want you to be happy." far before the tears in my eyes and the way i was conditioned to fall on my knees, but to you i was time passed, and my case is never closed. colliding heads and hearts underneath the suffocating pressure (pleasure) of it all. until then, ill thank your hands and how they move in the dark. messy and precise. intricate and intimate. meticulous and technical. cheer and a toast to you, my final goodbye and last final forever. the last finale that never was; a marriage grace that knew no bounds. the sunshine drew me in far the highest. melody your voice and the hands that took my heart beating and never gave it back. i wish this was a simple process. a simple form of immortality that rings genuine to never dying. concrete shoulders and bodies that burn faster than any flame. infinity means never forgetting. simple things like the way your sanity slips. a hand to hold farther for comfort. i still remember the night you told me my eyes said "i love you" far before my mouth did, and i never noticed you were trying to say it back.

"everybodys talking bout

the way you left your man,

ao, wave goodbye

and everybodys talking bout

the way you held his hand

so, we'll grip real tight"

xx postyardburial.

[infamyoverinnocence]

hollywood star eyes, gold decorated payment; headstrong collisions and crashing hands and hearts. simplicity is a warrant and im the arrest officer.

a worst nightmare is always a given. you never know until you make meaning of it. i think you mightve been my best dream on the other hand. im stuck in that crystal vision from last month; the one that clouds your vision and makes your eyes go white far before your face goes blue. its a simple dance number if you think about it. since i left (or since you stopped calling), ive answered every unknown number that could be yours. somehow im always in my head. im a dreamer, i told you. not a realist. idealistic vs logical thinking. but as of now i cant feel a thing. i feel like a saw victim. i wanna be in love again (more so justseeyou). document lips to eyes. smiles to hands. all the words that couldve been said if i wasnt so stuck. stuck & thats all i have. simple wide eyed baby doll, straw blonde you hit til perfection, and knobby fawn knees with hands always drawn to pockets. i wish i was your hollywood dream. (your starlit eyes, my wishful thinking.) notes and letters you’ll never get. new years go by and the burn in my eyes and fog in my head keep me grounded. you taste like kerosene on my tongue. all my decisions are bitter regrets, but better not acted upon. now i just miss what was. us, if we even count. the cards stacked up at high odds; and yet i took my chance. hiding your feelings is the new myspace. blogging is for posers. bottle it up. kidding.

"and im comin to find you, if it takes me all night, wrong until you make it right, and i wont forget you, at least ill try and run, and run tonight, everything will be alright, everything will be alright."

x stupidlittleliestonight. 𝜗᭪

[infamyoverinnocence]

wake up, theres a new postal code in new york city.

she told me, fulfill your vision and poison the vengeance

mausoleum mondays and a horror picture couch

were all dumb, dirty and independent

and im waiting for the way i could drink and call you back

steel days and kicked to the curb with nothing ready to disgest

sewn down through the rest needle in my chest

you know im a picture well proven

theres high pitched sadness and downtuned hopes

broken glass homes and an excuse to leave with stones

where can you go when you have nowhere to stay?

ive payed attention and paved the road for mirrored dreams and possibities to come

surgical and procised, cleaning and clinical

ive found a diamond road made out of liars and fakes

but things bring you back and subtleties surrounded

you know constantly im wrong

but in what world would you ever have me right

give me a reason to leave because being me just isnt enough

barely broke out the chandelier

on a heartbeat clock

spilled teacup thoughts

heartbroken tongue

theres a knife i kept to drive it in my back

to reach my coffin faster

silver lives with bright eyes to match

my dedicated fear of losing

were irresistible in case you didnt know

[infamyoverinnocence]

im still waiting if you ever wanna come back, just so you know.

a normal way of life is hating how things end. no one will ever be happy with every outcome. this is one of those. funny how im sure you dont even think of me. /iwonderifmyclothesevermakeyouthinkawhilelonger. my thoughts are heat stricken dreams and hopes to see you again. if i had it my way i would run into your arms and hold you like our last goodbye never happened. i think about you with every song i hear and the tear paper words i write. a lovedrunk passenger. weeks worth of isolation and those holiday lights bring me back to you. you in my arms and your head anywhere you could manage to put it. my thoughts always come to me at night ive said, but more so when im alone and with no one to stabilize me. nothing flows out of my fingertips like those words and your name. fall is on its final day; and christmas couldnt come fast enough. theres a sickness plaguing the water, and im suffering from the worst of it there is. secrets meant to stay nailed on wooden floors and hard pressed down until we couldnt stand. your patience when i told you everything on my mind. last night i wore the clothes i remember seeing you in. my memory is all fogged up but i see things playing like an old polaroid movie. ive never known heartbeats and love songs. writing notes on plastered hearts and lies and comprehending the pattern of our breathing. im losing my shelter and selfishly climbing back to you. rain never feels so scarce when i can say i have you next to me. to see you break down and know i can do nothing. i miss your eyes and the tears in mine when you knew i had to go. not because i like to see you cry, but it was the last i saw of you at all. my wishes are being held in the mail and im not getting them back. you could count as one. i think i might be done for a while. ive never not loved but i always end up back here when i either say nothing or say it too late. i wish i told you earlier and perhaps had you longer or made you stay. cupid missed his arrow by making you love me but not keeping you here long. now im not sure where your love lies. im torn, but the sky knows i miss you. funny how all my words trace back to love lost and the word "miss". the way i was your support and reason just by existing, you said. isolation can bring up good thoughts and star ridden skylines. cooling down from the summer is down time, you just dont know it yet. to my dream and more, my heart misses what was. best night. worst in. (love) with you.

"and up until now,

i had sworn to myself that im content with loneliness,

because none of it was ever worth the risk—

well, you are the only exception.."

[infamyoverinnocence]

thanks for being there even if my heart burned it wasnt long enough.

i miss you tonight.

i could say that every night.

i have no distraction and no voice to tell me, "are you being illogical?"

i wish i couldve had you when i did.

all i want is you again.

my favorite thing will always be your name.

i miss the way i could look at you.

you know i loved you.

that day we said,

"it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss."

/

"now im falling asleep, and shes calling a cab,

while hes having a smoke, and shes taking a drag,

now theyre goin to bed, and my stomach is sick,

and its all in my head, but shes touching his chest now,

he takes off her dress now,

let me go

and i just cant look, its killing me."

[infamyoverinnocence]

im still waiting for your call. i wonder if it matters to you.

i saw your eyes the day you let me go. i wish i couldve held you longer and tell everyone to keep me there. for a moment it was only us, and the world was silent. i wanted more time with you. but unfortunately life isnt that fair. lately ive been thinking. thinking like always, but thinking about how things couldve been different. if that fight kept me longer i wouldnt have minded. now my voice and my hands feel foreign when you arent next to me. spending my days worrying about you, and any excuse to sneak out. i thought about you and missed your hand on my waist and even harder when we seperated. that letter i forgot about sits in my room with words left unsaid and left forever. im stuck. im jetlagged. physically im here but mentally im with you. every night i think of what it couldve been if i disappeared with you. sorry im not over the way you talk and the sweet way you helped when i couldnt help but cry. i miss the day i told you, "if he's what makes you happy then go for it." because even then i had you close to me. my bed can feel like a prison when im stuck and restrained when i cant move. when youre my final thought before i sign off into unconsciousness. the more i think, the more i hate myself for letting you get by me that fast, but some things are fleeting and that touch was one of them. i miss that ring and the way you held my hand; i was sick but you hospitalized me to health. i think ive loved you from the start. my head hurts and my heart pounds, and my head thinks before my body could ever comply. i hate the decision i made that got you away from me. still, i wait to hear your voice again. call me when you get the chance.

xo iwishicouldtellyou. ☆ ੭* ‧₊°

[infamyoverinnocence]

its been a while. (come say hi)

my head is a mess. a mix of missing you and missing her. every day i tell myself im over it but who knows if i actually am. fluttering and feelings i should be over. my love doesnt stay trained to one eye. these few days besides her have been you. i miss having your hand to hold when i cried. too frequently i let you see myself. in my dreams im in that nyc penthouse he never thought to give you. told myself that my thoughts only make sense when theyre about you but now i have her to think of. am i gonna be stuck? i talked to her for hours about everything and it made me realize why i loved her in the first place. unsteady focus. shes a phase but youre a feeling. a new feeling. my hands only make sense when you hold them. if not i hate looking at them. i only make sense when you compliment me. sorry for everything i never did when i had the chance. every day i wait for you to call me and now i wait once more. youre not far but couldnt be far enough. come back when you can. tell him about what happened. he deserves to know and i deserve for you to tell him.

x istillwaitforyou. ʚɞ

[infamyoverinnocence]

im a sweetness rather than a feeling (wrong words are purely situational.)

last night i cried you werent here. you think about what causes girls to go crazy and rip the stuffing out their teddy bear hearts and i think it might be you. lately my dreams have all been us and the tears that drain my eyes and keep me sleeping. "us" but so much not a thing. i left you parting gifts on my way out. funny enough i would answer every unknown call until i hear your voice on the other side, because how else would i know your thoughts and how your head works. revolving thoughts that go off like bombs and sparks that suffocate. growing up will tell you young hearts dont know enough but mine pumps blood faster than an old one. young lips know enough to speak and enough to regret not kissing you when i had the chance. something about disaster keeps pulling me back. cotton candy tears on ice cream wheels, im a sweet breakdown waiting to happen. crushed candy hearts mean nothing but sweetness because what would life be without a good taste? misery loves company but im a kid in a toy store. champagne sick on new years and chain reactions played by the light in your eyes and the star-crossed look in mine. my head is a battlefield and my thoughts are a genocide. im you and were going out of style. still on my balcony lit by hopes and dreams. sour faces take sips of drinks spiked by kerosene before the inevitable forest fire. hearts burn on pavement and youre third degree. its funny you get that far under my skin. not in a bad way because my pheromones are love and yours are stuck on a crystal vision. wouldnt lives make sense when you bring down the skyline for a view while im dying. hospital visits are my constant. "i cant commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital." sometimes my thoughts keep going before i draw a blank and fizzle out. they only come up right when i think of you. i cant stand by my word because every night i try to forget you and those fountain blue eyes (not blue by color, but blue by crying) my mind gives up on my thoughts when i look back at your sweater. i cried when i broke your bracelet and wondered if you ever wore mine. juvenile. i told you to be happy while mine said shine. that letter youll never get is stuck in the mail. passed but never received. you wont remember my face because faded photographs with no words are written to be forgotten. something like a simple fog. how else would love kick life if it didnt beat you down as well? thank you for our night that was taken away when i left in the morning. i sing the words on the ground and beg for differences. the moment i saw you i wish i wasnt so eager for your attention. goodnight to glass skies and interstellar eyes. this is for forever and the little spots in your memories you laugh about. someone finally understood but like a temporary feeling of course one had to leave. ill be sick until your birthday. until then, ill be waiting for you to call me.

"here in this life we seem so lost on this side of brightness we dont know where to go"

/ theonlyexception. ୭ ˚.

[infamyoverinnocence]

words that have no place are still meant to be said.

everyday i bite my tongue to keep myself from calling you.

my hearts a junk box.

im discarded.

i scramble through my thoughts to keep you from being disinterested.

i crack like glass in your hands.

ghost town.

i feel like richey edwards.

a manic street preacher.

but you wouldnt have me not talking any less.

after this its nothing. im forced to move on with my life.

youstolethesunfrommyheart. x ⋆˚✿˖°

[infamyoverinnocence]

casualty is not something im familiar with.

what did it mean to you when you drew an engagement ring on my hand and held it like it was your world?

what did it mean when you said you loved me after our first conversation?

what did it mean when you hung up on him to hug me tight enough to cut my blood circulation?

what did it mean when that was when you told me you loved me?

unfortunately, not over it. im a electric shock and youre a system.

we drew hearts on our hands but mine faded first. my entire situation makes me feel fictional. memories of a new forever and retroactive love. you and your glares from behind me while i laughed with someone else— crossing out jealousy. when you talked about someone else you told me it was nothing, and you made it clear. me and my big dumb heart. i hate to admit it but the way your eyes would flicker and your hands never calm down when i left was a weird sense of appreciation. you panic. im in a state of constant recovery pushed by myself. someone punch me im dreaming. sorry, i mean pinch me. i need to get out of my head. im a slave to my emotions. im a crashing and a natural disaster. im a chemical. youre a reaction. cause and effect is a interesting thing when you think about it. not real anymore. i am a dreamer. a space cadet. travel across the stars and steal the moon to hand it back to you. fireworks shot under concrete tables. beauty of a sunset. carvings on stone and "remember me" on the mausoleum. ive seen myself at my worst and at my best and when i break down for you. forced but fine with intoxication. youre gonna make me a good man. a gentleman. someone who can keep a secret. the way you looked at me when we spoke to her and when we talked. simplicity and subtlety. yes im upset, but those who live in glass houses shall not throw stones. i miss seeing you through glass and the insanity of it all. the hearts and lies of heatwaves and the sheltered lives and target relationships. we were purely situational. your love for me was neverlasting but i think more of it. im a desperation and youre the opposite. youre nothing they think you are. a diamond ring makes you different and i could be one. i feel stupid and immature. thats what happens when im younger but that doesnt mean i cant care for you like im older. i cant give what he got but i can miss you and hope you think of me. i still hear that 8 o'clock drawl saying "meds!".

happyloveandlive. he loves you so.

"pushed up to the window to kiss you off". / "meand yousettinginahoneymoon.

if i woke up next to you, if i woke up next to you."

i was told to never let my feelings get the best of me. not by anyone but by my own words. today, tommorrow, and forever are when you get the best of me.

youre my feelings.

congratulations, starshine.

imissyoumorebytheday . xo ˚✧

[infamyoverinnocence]

crazy things like this seen to only happen to me..

first day i saw you.

first day you said you loved me.

second say we became friends.

second day i held you close.

third day i confessed.

third day you told me the same.

i had to leave the morning after.

"i hardly knew a thing about you,

i got lost in cape town, in cape town

i saw you, i met you

i loved you, i left you in cape town".

imissyoulikeimisschicago.x 𓈒⟡₊⋆∘

[infamyoverinnocence]

she told me everything she told him. (but unfortunately, im not mad about it.)

lately ive been thinking. thinking about life, about you, and about losing all the people who held me tight. you were one of them. im always happier in places i can be myself. i wonder if you like me half as much as i like you or you love him but the way you told him to wait just to hold me one last time may say it all. "i dont know.. you like, you light up when you talk about him... i dont know. its sweet." thats when you told me "you should see my face when i talk about you". lying but truths when you look me straight in the eyes. fighting for you not at you. i cry when you cross my mind because of the weight of never seeing you again or not being important anymore. i dont think you know even half of how much i think of you. you were in my dream last night. all i want is to run away to a place only we know exist. all my words slowly became "i,i,i" and "you, you, you". everything i say is more with memories than writing about once that never was. im miserable and unreadable. something is weighing on my chest and its a concrete secret i cant tell anyone. i miss the way you talk and how you told me you loved me after our first conversation. i hadnt known you well but known enough to know i want you more than he had you. i just want one conversation again. that can satisfy me even if its him who keeps you happy. "my head on your chest waiting to cave in, from the bottom of my.. hear your voice again."

mybiggestfearisbeingforgottenbyyou. xx ⊹₊⟡⋆

[infamyoverinnocence]

happiness in the little things but sadness in the bigger ones.

my(your) old shirt still smells like you.

/

"but this time, i mean it

ill let you know just how much you mean to me

as snow falls on desert sky

until the end of everything

im trying, im trying

to let you know how much you mean."

imstillstuckonyou. x ౨ৎ⋆˚｡⋆

[infamyoverinnocence]

seeingyouinmydreamsalwaysseemsmorerealthanthefirsttime. (again, i miss you like no other.)

i met you in a dream. you didnt seem so happy to see me until you said you would kiss me for every chance you didnt get to. still the first words out of your mouth was his name, so i guess reality isnt much different when youre unconscious. /ifyoulovesomethingletitgo. i told you about that letter you might never get. every dream feels realer than the last. now im left with a hole in my chest all day about not being able to see you. maybe soon we can sit in sweetness and i can tell you all ive thought about you. youll understand when you remember my care for you. i wonder why you come to me late and mostly at night. love knows some bounds but you only reciprocate at night. maybe when youre next to him you think of me. but funny i dont even hate him. just hates when he makes you cry, or when he makes you laugh. or when i think of you and him and how happy you may be that you might not even think of me at all. we were playing wars as soldiers we didnt understand yet. borrowed nights and borrowed words. vintage letters and doves that dont send them on time. sorry so many of my words were about him and that fact you would roll your eyes when you hear it. roll your eyes but look at me twice because he wont treat you right. its not the expensive things but i can always give you a paper house. i was always told "its the thought that counts." hopefully it still applies. recently all my words have been "you, you you" but not me being your world. its funny when you finally have an experience and not playing with little toys dreaming of things thatll never happen. but in a certain case i guess thats where i am now. we were a gamble but i always said "place your bets and put em forward".

mywordsarebestwhentheyreaboutyou x ✮⋆˙

[infamyoverinnocence]

my best (worst) decisions come to me at night. /myfinalthoughtsbeforebed.

when i let you choose him, i was drifting off to sleep. i told you if i loved you then i would want you to be with him and i can stick to the little moments. now ive decided to get over it, since i doubt you think of me once like i think of you. now that im writing this i doubt that my decision was final. hows your voice to my understanding ear? how well can he comfort you when you cry? since the day i left i have not been without your gift. sweater to skin and imagining you to keep me sleeping at night. bracelets too big for my wrists and sweet gifts you send me because "i thought of you when i saw it". last night you were in my dream. maybe because i fell asleep in your clothes. i miss drawing hearts on your hands and using excuses to sneak out and leave. how else would you dream of me if not to think of that point of your life? maybe you can see my face in his. hear my voice in autumn winds because the later months never pass me by. if you loved me in his hand you might find someone else to replace me.. sorry, im upset again. and again. probably will be tomorrow. but weather forecasts are never certain so i might be your sunshine by the close. "herecomesthesun". cheers to sobriety and first words that set you off. you knew you loved me by day 2 and i loved you by the time i saw you. im infatuated. in love. its sweet. like sugar. pure sugar. he can love you but i appreciate you. i havent stopped smiling your way since we met. its not that i hate him. i just hate that i gave myself away. but missed opportunities and crying in sync is more to me than years. the day i left marked a weird day for us both. i wonder how you faced him after telling me you loved me. /cryingwhenwesaygoodbye.

thought of you as my mountaintop.

thought of you as my peak.

thought of you as everything.

ive had, but couldnt keep.

imstillyourporcelaindoll x ⁺ 𓂋 𓈒 ♡

[infamyoverinnocence]

i wish i made you choose.

you hung up on him the night i left but we both know who you picked. leaving you was hard enough but im a car crash waiting to happen. guess ill leave you as a line in my obituary if i never see you again, but call me a sucker for getting so attached. i just wanna be your princess and hollywood dream. evenings in new zealand and flowers by your doorstep. hes more to you than i can ever afford. i have my own and if i dont think he can be like you. hes not you but he can suffice. imnothimandyoumightbeglad/ you would never say my name to him so why keep our love a secret?

𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𐙚 ࣪ ⭒ istayinbedandonlywearyourfavoritecolors x